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20091130

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Hanger (Review)

Hanger

Hanger (2009)

Directed by Ryan Nicholson

Well Hanger is a movie that alot of our female horror bloggers are NOT going to watch and certainly not review.

Sometimes horror is still a boys club.

There is still a part of the horrorsphere that is still extreme,vulgar, disgusting and nasty. Movies that throwback exploitation and grindhouse and make it tampon fuckin bloody. This isn't your sanitized Tarantino/Rodriguez shit. This is over the top fucked up shit. Lowest Common Denominator gave us Black Devil Doll (review here). Header (review here) gave us a new term for some fucked up shit. And Frank Henenlotter recently spawned Bad Biology (review here).

But Plotdigger Films Ryan Nicholson whose Gutterballs (full review here) and Live Feed are smack in the middle of this extreme horror genre is back with his 4th film Hanger. I loved Gutterballs, ranking it #6 on my Top Horror Movies of 2008. But I'll say straight out, as much as I appreciate all the glorious exploitation shit of old, I just couldn't dig the flick. But that isn't to say it doesn't have its moments.

Put the kids to sleep and get your barf bag ready, it looks like we're DeLoreaning back to the VHS horror of old.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Pulled into this world to take you out! HANGER is a horrifying tale of revenge...beginning with a back-alley abortion and ending with a bloodbath so vicious that it brings a new meaning to "an eye for eye".

From pimps to dealers, from hookers and junkies..."Hanger" washes the filth away with their own blood, cleaning the streets and making way for the ultimate showdown of good vs. evil. Diving headfirst into the depths of human depravity, Plotdigger Films plans on turning the world of horror inside out and letting it all hang out to dry!


Awesome Review-O-Matic

(Warning! This review is probably filled with language that will offend some. Just because the movie is highly fucked up and offensive itself)

It's easy to get psyched when you see one flick you love and anticipate the next film of that director. So Hanger got me hyped after watching the trailer. But oddly this was 80% extreme nastiness, 10% porn and 10% plot. Gutterballs for all its nastiness had some balance in the equation, Hanger seemed to be overflowing like a clogged up toilet.

So lets breakdown the equation.

10% plot

Debbie Rochon plays Rose, a whore of whores who gets knocked up then subsequently killed by her pimp Leroy. (Leroy also disposes of a tranny as well (Lloyd Kauffman in a cameo)) Leroy is a bad ass brotha, with gear and anger issues. Because Rose can't trick due to her "pregnant, fat ass" he kills her by hanger abortion trauma, thus killing mommy and deforming the unborn son. 18 years later, Rose's favorite John, gets Hanger (the deformed son) out from the streets, gets him a job at a recycling plant and gets him some pussy. (not necessarily in that order)

Soon Hanger is hanging out with Russell, another freakazoid working at the plant. Russell is a Chinese pornhound that cares only about drinking and getting laid. Wade Gibb plays Russell and does the old yellowface act (white man playing a stereotypical Chinese caricature) and somehow turns in stellar, hilarious performance. His Mr. Woo like rambling gave me a few ha ha's and its something you think would be offensive but comes out as funny as hell.

Suffice it to say, John and Hanger go seeking revenge against Leroy because he killed their momma and favorite ho, respectively.

10% porn

Well lets get our Nude-ipedia out of the way right? Lots of breasts and boobage galore in this one. This isn't your Vivid shit here. More like Bangbus. Whore boobies and a gratuitous masturbation-interruptus scene involving Candice Lewald. Round boobies, sagging boobies and wallpaper of porn. Thank you Ryan Nicholson.

80% extreme nastiness


Most other Gore-ipedia scenes involve a killing of a hooker, a fat Jehovah's Witness and some man rape via roofies. It's typically gore-max and it's all done in a utter violent nasty streak. Somehow most of these scenes you'd think would be the shock value you signed up for end up blah. Blah, blah blah. Clocking in at 80 minutes, I guess there was no time in the movie to set any of these scenes up. Shit happens, kill scene, next.

The nasty of the uber nasty is seeing Hanger's fucked up face. He's not just deformed but seriously scarred. Russell is a little yucky too as is another worker at the plant Phil. They throw poop diapers at each other and sort all the gooey and vomitus garbage.

The dialogue is cluttered with every vulgarity and sexual nastiness you can think of. Blowtorch mediaval torture. What else can I say? The only creativeness is Russell's diatribes as he talks to Hanger. Blowjobs, tossing salads and abortions are the vernacular. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the fuckin city. With that, the ending is a little too anticlimactic and a big SHOCKER scene is no where to be found. When a movie offends you this much, you want them to go over the edge and just go "Fuck it, how can this scene be a little more fucked up?".

Hanger lives up to the movies Nicholson has created. It's Troma-ish and has that piss ass drunk feel in movies like Street Trash, Maniac and Combat Shock. It's definitely not for everyone but Hanger claims the top spot of being the nastiest film of 2009.

Ryan Nicholson takes each of the genres of old and makes his version. And trust me his versions are meaner, sicker and more depraved. As much as I like Gutterballs, Nicholson's street revenge, exploitation flick is fucked up, but without the creativeness I was looking for. Maybe he'll make a shaky cam BWP or PA like flick, unsanitized for us grindhouse fans. You listening Ryan?

WTF moment

Seeing Hanger's face for the first time

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The DVD released November 17th. More from the MySpace site and the official site.

If you want to watch what the extreme fans watch, go see Live Feed or Gutterballs first. Then when your ready, you can watch Hanger. Also, to build up your stamina for these type of flicks go see the others I mentioned. If your a noob, go see Cannibal Holocaust first. If you can stand that, you can be ready for this flick.


Rating:
1/2


Check out the trailer below.


20091128

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Movie Review: DE ESPALDAS (Cuba, 1956)



DE ESPALDAS
"Backs Turned"
aka CUBAN CONFIDENTIAL
Cuba, 1956
Directed and Produced by Mario Barral
Screenplay by Mario Barral, Francisco Pazos, Francisco Forcade, Oscar Luis Lopez
Cinematography by Manuel S. Conde
Edited by Michael Cerone
Music by Jose de Aguilera
CAST:
Emilio G. Navarro
Maria Brenes
Jose de San Anton
Manuel Estanillo
Armando Martinez

A man awakens to find his mood troubled. While walking to work he unknowingly wanders into a graveyard and so begins an existential musing that lasts for the rest of the day and the film. Mostly he aimlessly wanders the streets, constantly asking himself ‘Why?” when stumbling across social injustice. He ponders the evils of sick children, poverty and Marxism. At one point he flashes back to a fortune teller and her witchy words make him believe he has power over life and death. He informs a dying boy that he will not die after all, only to hear mere seconds later that the child has gone and croaked anyway. This does nothing to alleviate his mood. While stopping outside a prison, a warden appears and asks him to speak with a man condemned to die. It is his last wish to speak with the first man the warden comes across. The doomed man explains that his only real crime is being ugly, and therefore impossible to believe when he claims he did not murder his beautiful lover. Our hero does believe him and comes away more convinced than ever of the hopelessness of the world. Which is only further exasperated by a chance meeting with a random floozy (perhaps prostitute – the narrative is unclear) with whom he tries to make sense of the days events before her angry husband comes home to beat her in what appears to be a daily ritual. All his sadness and misery are solved, conveniently, by his return home. Met by his adoring children and maid-like wife, our man in Havana is welcomed by the warm embrace of family, of middle-class life and most importantly perhaps, of television. The films ends with the entire family gathered around its hearth-like glow, entranced by its angst-easing flicker. In an odd and ostensibly poetic bit of casting, his family are all played by the same actors who portrayed the various shady characters encountered in his long’s days journey into TV-illuminated night.

DE ESPALDAS has serious artistic aspirations. It’s full of 50s European-esque arty angst a la Bergman or Italian neo-realism, but it just doesn’t work. Don’t get me wrong – it’s still an entertaining and interesting movie. Just not for the reasons it is intended for. The hero’s completely ridiculous voice-over monologues seem almost like a parody of existential navel-gazing, it’s so over the top and full of square-jaw sincerity. Despite its utter seriousness of intent, it comes across completely comedic. The English dubbing may have something to do with this, sounding as though it were recorded through a megaphone rather than a microphone. The music, too, seems at odds with the grave events unfolding. It’s a swath of typically 50s sounding library cues more at home in a pirate adventure movie than a film about a man touring through the suffering of the world. It creates an unintentional frisson which works in spite of itself, but only though an unhealthy veil of snickering irony. The film’s best moments are the hand-held street scenes, particularly a lively street carnival, filled with outrageous, campy costumes. Meant to represent the main character’s disorientation, it the only time when the movie feels alive and in it’s own skin. The rest of the movie, with all it’s labored conscientiousness, feels a bit off, a bit fake. There’s also a palpable, and uncomfortable, feeling of propaganda about the whole thing. The condemnation of the socialist organizers, for instance, or in the film’s obvious pro-US middle class values of the finale. It’s weird and disconcerting and makes the whole thing even more interesting, despite the blatant flaws of the film on its own terms.

Little information is available about Director Mario Barral. He appears to have died in 2000, only two years before his son, Rolando Barral, himself a media celebrity in the Miami Cuban exile community. Mario worked mostly in radio, television and theater in pre-revolutionary Cuba during the 40s and 50s. He was the head of CMQ, Cuba’s largest and most successful television studio during the medium’s infancy. After the revolution, Barral made his way to Miami where he continued to work in Spanish language media, even publishing a series of poetry books and writing and producing several plays. DE ESPALDAS was his first film. His second, and last, is CON EL DESEO EN LOS DEDOS (“With Desire in the Fingers”), an even more obscure film which reportedly never played outside Cuba, LOS DEDOS is described by an IMDB reviewer as “one of the serious attempts of making a(n) … erotic film in Cuba in the late 50's”. But judging from this one available film, Barral was no natural film-maker. ESPALDAS is mostly stilted and crude, exuding only a whiff of cinematic poetry here and there. Obviously an attempt to make a serious “art film” ESPALDAS is compromised by Barral’s limitations as a director and by the awkward propagandic impulses bubbling just underneath the film’s surface. Something Weird Video has this film available as either a VHS (this is how I saw it) or a DVD-R. In typical exploitation ballyhoo fashion their catalog drastically oversells it, describing it as a “lost art film masterpiece” or a “bargain basement Bunuel”. It’s neither, though still of interest to those wanting to dig into the often obscure world of South American cinema.

Special Thanks to David Wilt for additional biographical info.

20091125

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Thanksgiving means killing poultry! (Poultrygeist's Musical Numbers)

Thanksgiving means killing poultry! Poor little chickens and turkeys dying for your gluttonous stomachs. You bastards! Makes you want to be a vegetarian right? WRONG!

Turkey is just too damn yummy.

But if you watched Troma's Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead you'd think twice about reaching for that drumstick. The jaded viewer is going on hiatus for the Thanksgiving break but the least I can do is leave you some ha ha's while I'm gone. Poultrygeist is indeed one of the funniest Troma films to come out in a while and the musical numbers in this sleazy, oddball flick are hil-freakin-larious. So sing-a-long and enjoy!

(of course after watching these videos you'll totally lose your appetite)

Poultrygeist - "Revenge is a dish best served fried!"





Poultrygeist - "Longing to Live/Waiting to Die"






Poultrygeist - "Murderous General"






Poultrygeist - The Music Video





The 2 musical numbers that are missing are "Generous General" which is an awesome satire musical on fast food and "Slow Fast Food Love" is not anywhere to be found on the interwebs because it has lots of boobies.

Hope you enjoyed all that. Of course I could have posted the standard Happy Thanksgiving post with Eli Roth faux slasher Thanksgiving trailer or did what Freddy in Space and post the Thankskilling trailer. But Matt-suzaka over at Chuck Norris Ate My Baby posted all the horror themed Thanksgiving movies he could find.

Brilliant stuff. So today and tomorrow, go ahead and leave your links via the comments to some Thanksgiving related posts. I want to see what the creative horror blogosphere has come up with on Turkey Day.

And if that turkey comes alive right before you carve it up and starts attacking you...let me be the first to say....I told you so.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

20091123

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Universal Soldier: Regeneration (Trailer)

Doesn't that poster make you wanna kick some ass?

I wouldn't be the jaded viewer if I didn't inform (ahem force) you to know what was the latest movie of our beloved hero Jean Claude Van Damme. I told you about Karate, I told you about The Eagle Path and now we unleash the trailer for Universal Soldier 3: Regeneration!

Dolph Lundgren and UFC champ Andrei "The Pit Bull" Arlovski are tag team UniSoldiers against the one and only JCVD. Are you psyched? Are you mega psyched? Are you super mega psyched? We here at the jaded viewer are super duper mega psyched times infinity!!!

This comes out in theaters on..oops sorry my bad. The DVD comes out on January 5th 2010. Sigh.

Here be the plot (in case you forgot or sorta cared)

A crazed Chechen nationalist, BASAYEV, seizes control of Chernobyl, site of the infamous nuclear meltdown, and threatens to unleash a radioactive cloud unless his nationalist blackmail demands are met.

LUC DEVERsEAUX (Jean-Claude Van Damme) joins a U.S. team of revived UniSoldiers secretly held in deep storage. Their mission: retake Chernobyl and disable explosives that will unleash the radioactive clouds. Luc is surprised when he finds one of the reactivated UniSoldiers is a clone of his old Sergeant, ANDREW SCOTT (Dolph Lundgren). But the cloned Andrew has no recollection of Luc.

As the team furiously battles its way into the Chernobyl plant, they are caught off guard. Using a mind-control chip, Baseyev turns Andrew against his own comrades. Now surrounded, wounded, and out-numbered, Luc must battle Andrew, and save the world.

OK enough of the chatter. Here's the trailer!! Woohoo!!!





Thanks to Twitch, JoBlo and a few other sites for the heads up.

If that wasn't enough Van Damme for you, check out some awesome related linkage.

jaded viewer related linkage:

JCVD (Review)
Top 10 Scenes in Bloodsport
Top 10 Villains from Jean Claude Van Damme Movies
Bloodsport Kumite Brackets
Rewind: The Greatest Martial Arts Fighting Tournament Movie Ever Made
The Eagle Path (Teaser)
the jaded viewer's spinkick rating system

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Caçador de Pesadelos 2 (2009)

Sinopse:

Kyoichi Kagenuma está de volta, ainda atormentado por suas habilidades indesejadas. habilidades que lhe permitem ler os pensamentos e entrar nos sonhos de outras pessoas, e ainda debater o suicídio como um meio de acabar com tudo, tudo que ele quer é ser deixado sozinho com a sua miséria.

Mas a solidão não virá, pois uma garota do ensino médio, Yukie Mashiro, chega à sua casa dias após dias pedindo para libertá-la de seus pesadelos recorrentes, mesmo quando deixado sozinho Kagenuma é atormentado com visões da sua mãe que se suicidou quando ele era apenas uma criança.

Espíritos, cabelões, sons horríveis, tem de tudo nessa sequência muito aguardada no mundo inteiro...

Trailer:


Dados do Filme:
Título Original: Akumu Tentei 2 / Nightmare Detective 2
Gênero: Horror
Lançamento: 2009
País de Origem: Japonês
Duração: 102 min
Direção: Shinya Tsukamoto

Elenco:
Ryuhei Matsuda...Kyoichi Kagenuma
Yui Miura...Yukie Mashiro
Wako Andô...Mutsumi
Miwako Ichikawa...Itsuko Kagenuma
Hanae Kan...Yuko Kikugawa
Toshiyuki Kitami...Tetsuji Kikugawa
Hatsune Matsushima...Akiko
Ken Mitsuishi...Takio Kagenuma
Shungiku Uchida...Kiriko

Dados do Arquivo:
Servidores: Vários
Tamanho: 700 MB.
Formato do arquivo: Rar
Formato do Video: Avi
Idioma do Audio: Japonês
Legenda: Português
Codec do video: XviD
Codec do audio: MP3
Resolução: 640 x 352
Taxa de frames: 23.976
Qualidade do Vídeo: DvdRip

Links dos arquivos:
Parte Única - 1 2 3 4
Legenda - Aqui ou Aqui ou Aqui

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20091122

0

Ink (Review)

Ink

Ink (2009)

Directed by Jamin Winans

Terry Gilliam and David Lynch would be impressed by Ink.

In the world of indie cinema, most films go into generic period pieces of romantic dramedies. Rarely do you see a film that boldly attempts to be ambitiously creative and visually stimulating. It's always the big studios that go ga ga and make movies with CGI porn and non existent plots.

But Jamin Winan's Ink is a movie that defies the stereotype of independent cinema. The Denver based director has made an adult fairy tale that paints surrealism and story on a canvas of dreams.

It has everything you would like to see in a movie. A deeply thought out story, very honest and interesting characters, top notch CGI, a look and feel like no other other movie I've ever seen. Would you not pay to see this?

Well, it seems last week nobody was actually paying for it as Ink became one of the most downloaded movies on BitTorrent. I can't stop you from d-loading it but I can tell you why it's been getting the praise and the downloads.

After watching Ink, I'll say straight out, it's one of the best indie movies I've ever seen.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

As the light fades and the city goes to sleep, two forces emerge. They are invisible except for the power they exert over us in our sleep, battling for our souls through dreams. One force delivers hope and strength through good dreams; the other infuses the subconscious with desperation through nightmares.

John (Chris Kelly) and Emma (Quinn Hunchar), Father and Daughter are wrenched into this fantastical dream world battle, forced to fight for John's soul and to save Emma from an eternal nightmare. Separate in their journey, they encounter unusual characters that exist only in their subconscious. Or do they?

Ink is a high-concept visual thriller that weaves seamlessly between the conscious and the subconscious. Ink has been hailed as the new "it" movie.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The filmmakers have compared that film to Alex Proyas's Dark City, Kelly's Donnie Darko and Del Toro's Pan's Labyrinth. It mostly resembles Pan's in its surreal world of light vs dark. I like to think it has a comparison to Terry Gilliam's Time Bandits and The Adventures of Baron Munchausen as well. But honestly, I can try to think of other movies it feels like, but Ink feels like well....Ink.

We've always been told in story or fairy tale that there is a world between sleep and wake. This is Ink. Winan has created a mythos where "Storytellers", beings who create our good dreams battle Incubuses (who grin evily, wear large glasses and have window shaped TV paintings in front of their face) who give us nightmares. Oh it seems Legion-ish yes, but the parallel is all Lifetime Movie of the Week (in a good way) where a father John tries to connect back with his daughter Emma.

So what the hell is this about you may be asking?

In the middle of a suburban night, a mysterious dream scavenger named Ink (who wears a patchwork cloak and has a large nose) kidnaps Emma's dream soul (she is in a coma in real life) to bring to the Incubi so he can join their nightmare clan. In a very jamtastic opening battle, Emma is protected by the Storytellers or dream angels (who look like young 20 somethings from Hot Topic).

The battles play out invisible to the real world. And in this aspect I was impressed. Kicks and punch, kung fu madness destroy the settings they are in. A house's tables, cabinets and windows are all destroyed during the battle but reintegrated and fixed in milliseconds. I gotta admit, it is an impressive visual, done a little Matrixy but done super duper well.

Ink, now with Emma in tow takes her on a journey into this styilized universe of dreams and nightmares. The visuals are a surrealistic journey into metaphors and subconscious nightmares. Sort of like Eraserhead and Tetsuo but slightly calmer and in enhanced HD. The dreamworld we see is like your TV with the brightness at 100.

Later they are joined by another Storyteller who is taken prisoner and soon plays friend to young Emma. Ink soon realizes he has to find 2 codes in the dreamworld to gain access to complete his mission, deliver Emma to the Incubus to become one of them.

In the parallel story is John, Emma's father. He has become a hardnosed businessman who lost custody of Emma to her grandparents after his wife died. We see his life become all about his work and a very uber emoticon scene has John confront his father in law who he blames her his loss (for both his wife and daughter).

John's journey is told in quick glimpsey flashbacks, as we see good times with his wife and the aftermath of her death. However, John is helped by the band of 3 storytellers and a Pathfinder who try to keep the Incubi (who've manipulated John to keep to his current fate) away from him. The storytellers objective is simple. Help John and Emma reconnect and save two souls.

Got all that?

Well, once you watch the movie it all becomes very clear and non ambigious as I just described. There are alot of different things all happening at the same time which is why the movie clocks in at 140 minutes.

One of the most impressive scenes has got to be the "chain reaction" created by the Pathfinder which ultimately helps John find his daughter. Winans connects scenes that occur on a city block, random occurrences all blending together to accomplish a car crash. Simply a fantastic scene that pushes the plot and turned out genius in design.

Ink is full of humor, action, drama and pure mesmerizing visual candy. The performance by Chris Kelly is stellar. Playing John's downfall and redemption is striking to watch and by the end, he'll surprise you with his other role. Newcomer Quinn Hunchar's Emma was Dora the Explorer uber fun.

The only gripe is it's fragmented structure and John's narrative being a little over done. It's a little con in a near perfect film. Many of our mythological beings are also not made clear, but when you attempt to watch something that's intellectually stimulating as well as artistically challenging, that's bound to happen.

Ink is the sleeper hit of 2009. I had posted the trailer in February and it intrigued me then. After having watched it I can only say I am not doing it justice in my review. It stands alone as something you have to experience for yourself. So stop downloading Zombieland and buy, rent or Netflix Ink.

Because when you watch Ink, you may forget if your awake or sleeping.

WTF moment

Who is Ink?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Please don't torrent this. It's now available via Amazon.com DVD and comes out on Blu Ray on November 24th. It's also on Netflix and iTunes as well.

The DVD is full good stuff too. Special features include a Behind the Scenes featurette and a very cute interview between Chris and Quinn.

Head over to the official site as well for some uber awesome Ink goodies as well as the Facebook and Twitter pages.

Rating:
1/2

Check out the trailer.






jaded viewer related linkage:
Ink (Trailer)
Ink Screening

Tags:
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20091119

0

Vampire Rules 101 (or Vampire Self Defense for Beginners)

I've never seen Twilight and I have no intention of ever seeing this twat-tard of a trilogy. But I do have a fascination of the mythos of vampire lore. I'm not talking about ancient Lestaty type crap but the fact that popular culture (be it books, TV, film and the Interwebs) have given a bunch of rules for vampires to have to deal with.

Insano Steve hates any monsters or supernatural beings that are hindered by rules that prevent them from eating, devouring or killing helpless young teenagers. I agree. It's just a drag that vampires are now burdened by so many laws and barriers that prevent them from sinking their teeth into some young hottie.

So let's analyze a few of these supposed rules and weaknesses the present day vampire has to deal with.

1.) Sunlight

the jaded viewer says: Why does sunlight kill vampires? Nobody knows. This is just plain dumb. Ooooh creatures of the night right? Tons of good shit happens during the day. Baseball games, picnics. Vamps need to get some coffee too. Recent vampire lore has broken this rule recently. I mean honestly, this is such a freakin handicap for vamps it's totally unfair. Half their day is completely shot. Let's just waive this one from the books.

2.) Reflection not seen in mirror

the jaded viewer says: How does one comb ones hair? Just cross this rule out. Dude needs to shave and the femvamps need to apply makeup. Nobody wants to see an ugly vamp right?

3.) Holy Water

the jaded viewer says: Holy water don't work against werewolves, zombies or demons. Why vamps? This one is totally goofy. Next!

4.) Garlic

the jaded viewer says: In the history of monster mythos, only the vampire could be threatened by a white, smelly vegetable. Jeez.

5.) Silver

the jaded viewer says: Why not copper? How about gold? Nickel?


6.) Crosses

the jaded viewer says: In Dracula 2000, they pulled out the Judas card explaining vamps were descendants of Judas which is why they hate crosses because it reminds them of Judas's betrayal of Christ. But do you realize that all you need to do is put 2 sticks together and cross them and you got a ADT security system MacGyver style. How's a vamp going to get some when all you need to do is put your arms together and give the Degeneration X symbol?

6.) The Invitation

the jaded viewer says: Well this one begs the question of "What qualifies as a home where a blood sucker has to get invited too?" Say I got a vacation house in the Hamptons...am I still protected? And the invitation reply is so ambigious. How about if I don't make rent for the month...its not my home anymore technically. Can they still enter? Still gotta love the scene in Let the Right One In on the vamp invitation rule being broken by poor Eli. (Check out the scene here)

7.) Holy Ground

the jaded viewer says: They can't enter churches? How about synagogues? Mosques? Temples? How about if I have one of those "Bless my Cubicle" sign. Can they come in?

8.) Wooden Stakes

the jaded viewer says: Not much to say here but if vampires were real, Walmart would sell wooden stakes for $5.99.

9.) The whole counting grain thing

the jaded viewer says: Jeez. That's like forcing people to watch Ernest goes to Camp movies over and over again.

10.) Can't cross running water

the jaded viewer says: So if I'm being chased by a vamp and it starts to rain...I'm cool?

11.) Feed on blood or die

the jaded viewer says: Thank goodness for True Blood.

I can't think of the others. Maybe thats all of them. Honestly, all these rules have totally made vamps seriously disadvantaged. If you kill a vamp, it's like their civil rights have been fucked with. I mean yeah they got super human strength, awesome teeth and that living forever thing is kinda neat. But if they go outside, they're pretty much toast.

Blade 2's reapers kinda made some uber vamps a little more scary but the generic vamps are totally screwed. I'm sure we can rewrite some of these dumb rules and come up with a good list that keeps em a little evil and very frightening. Hell, get rid of all these rules and start fresh. I'm sure we can make a better, more intimidating creature of the night.

Finally, I think somebody should make zombies vs vampires. That would be a totally awesome monster PPV right?

0

DVD Review: BORN OF FIRE (Mondo Macabro)



Mondo Macabro has done it again. They’ve uncovered a mostly unknown and completely unique film and given it the red carpet, 5-star treatment. BORN OF FIRE is an imperfect film, but is such a bizarre and visually stimulating piece that its faults dissipate quickly from your mind. A mystic-minded horror-fantasy with a healthy dollop of art-film gravitas, BORN bends and slinks around most of your “normal” preconceptions of genre or mainstream narrative. Its Islamic context gives it a refreshing texture that is effortlessly exotic (it would make a fine double feature with another Islamic art-horror: Kutlug Ataman’s THE SERPENT'S TALE). The film carries you along by magick and music, by imagination and emotion rather than plot, which is somewhat weak. A concert flautist’s chance meeting with a mysterious woman takes him unexpectedly to Turkey to investigate the circumstances of his father’s death. His father had gone to Turkey to study under “The Master Musician”, a man of supernatural musical talents who is somehow responsible for his death. This investigation leads to obscure revelations concerning the end of the world by excessive solar and volcanic activity. Our hero must prevent this occurrence by a musical dual with the Master, who, it turns out, is essentially Satan.

The synopsis above does not, and cannot, possibly convey the impact this movie has. It’s full of weird and mysterious events which make little or no logical or narrative sense: a woman stoned to death by flowers instead of rocks, a djinn who responds to a sung Muslim prayer by shooting flames from his eyes, a vulture crashing through a shattered windshield on a rainy London night, the hero’s mysterious woman-friend, possessed by the djinn sends a steam of menstrual blood down her leg into a salt-water pool which later becomes a cocoon containing a monstrous moth that somehow causes her death when it hatches. Taken apart, these events hardly attach themselves to the “save the world by atoning for the sins of the father” thrust of the BORN’s plot. Taken together, with the other-worldly ambiance which seems to seep subconsciously into your mind, these images and many others like them form the dream-like corpus of the movie. Your perception abandons the narrative and floats along this metaphysical, surreal visual stream. Occasionally the spell is broken, mostly by clunky, tin-eared dialog (“The music originates here. The fire is its source” for one example) which reads almost like poetry on paper but sounds insufferably pretentious when voiced aloud by the actors. And the plot itself sometimes comes off half-baked, as though perhaps compromises during the film’s production limited the material that could be filmed, giving it an unintended ambiguity. But ultimately, ambiguity is OK with me, as long as the film itself is interesting enough to carry it through. BORN OF FIRE is, if nothing else, very interesting.

The DVD is total aces. The 1.85:1 widescreen presentation is spot on and beautiful. I could find no fault in it. A ton of relevant extras round out this great release, most notably three interviews with cast and crew. Director Jamil Dehalavi discusses his career and BORN OF FIRE in particular in great detail which is gives the film some nice context. As an aside I might point out that Dehalavi seems to agree with me about the dialog, insisting that you could do away with it and not adversely affect the film. Peter Firth is next and is very charming, and although proud of the movie seems still a little befuddled by it. Perhaps the best interview is with Nabil Shaban, who plays a deformed dwarf who in some ways becomes the main character of the movie. He seems to be one of the few people to be able to give a comprehensive answer to questions concerning what the film is actually all about. I’m not sure I agree with him 100% but his views are articulate and entertaining. Shaban is wild-eyed and enthusiastic throughout, discussing his career and the film with contagious affection. Highly informative, if rather brief and to the point, text pages by MM CEO Pete Tombs plaster you with further details about the movie, its production and cast. A VHS sourced trailer completes the package, along with the always-there MM preview reel, which sadly has not been updated to include this movie, their previous release GRADIVA or the upcoming SADIST WITH RED TEETH. All in all, this is a delirious and wonderful film let down somewhat by its own story, but is given an amazing and well-rounded DVD presentation so that thousands more people can make up their own minds about it.

20091118

0

The Canyon (Review)

The Canyon

The Canyon (2009)

Directed by Richard Harrah

Remember when the Brady Bunch went to visit the Grand Canyon? Wow what an adventure that was. A ghost town, a gold digger, little indian boy in trouble. What a family vacation!

Well, this is totally the opposite.

Lori (Yvonne Strahovski) and Nick (Eion Bailey) are your stereotypical newlyweds who instead of going to Hawaii and getting stalked by killers or going to Mexico to check out some ruins they take a mule ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

You gotta love the dumb, urban couple that tries to take on mother fuckin nature.

Don't worry folks. Nature wins.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A survival story about a honeymooning couple who get lost in the wide expanse of the Grand Canyon.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I've been to the Grand Canyon. It's an awesome place. Full of awe and wonder and really damn hot. But as a kick ass born and bred New Yorker, I for one will never pretend I'm Mr. Survival Man.

So lets condense this badboy into some juicy nuggets of prepackaged info. They consumate the marriage, they hire a eccentric guide, and then they tour uncharted canyon lore.

So lets pretend you're the character Nick in The Canyon and you have to Choose Your Own Adventure, here's some of the choices you may have to make....(spoilers ahead!)


1.) The Grand Canyon is out of hiking permits, do you....

Wait until next year and go have more sex at the motel. Turn to page 63.

Hire an eccentric odd man you meet at the bar to be your guide. Turn to page 2.

2.) You are completely lost in the Grand Canyon, your guide was just bitten by a rattlesnake and has died and you've walked 3 hours in scorching heat. You now are faced with a large mountain in your way.....

Backtrack and reverse course hoping you can make up the time you lost. Turn to page 93.

Say, "Fuck it!". I can climb this mountain. I've seen it on American Gladiators, it didn't look so tough. Hey I might fall and break my leg in a very grotesque fashion, but at least my hot wife can comfort me with her spectacular cleavage. Turn to page 69.

3.) Your leg is now completely broken and you can have your wife do one of two things...

Send her to get help all alone and leave you to probably die a slow and painful death. Turn to page 76.

Have her amputate your leg with a rusty knife (yeah it's going to hurt a fuckin lot). Turn to page 54.

4.) Your wife gets attacked by a pack of hungry, wild coyotes do you....

Help her fight these animals off, sacrificing yourself for her. Turn to page 104.

Pretend your passed out from that unscheduled surgery. Turn to page 48.

5.) After not eating for 3 days, suffering from heat exhaustion and your leg being infected do you...

Die. Turn to page 66.

Die after help turns up. Turn to page 66.

Its a long, slow burn of a movie that like the canyon goes on forever. Best to avoid this movie, book a trip to Arizona and see the real thing.

The Canyon has such big illogics in it, characters that feel blah and many other WTFs. Killer, coyotes?!? Really?

The best part is seeing Yvonne Strahovski's awesome cleavage. Yeah I said it.

Gore-ipedia

Unscheduled leg surgery

Nude-ipedia

Yvonne Strahovski's awesome cleavage

WTF moment

Smart coyotes?!?!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Grand Canyon is an awesome place. It's truly an 8th wonder of the world and everybody should go at least once to the Canyon.

Seeing The Canyon isn't a substitute. It's a waste of 100 minutes. Flip over to the Discovery Channel instead if you wanna see the awesomness.

Or to NBC's Chuck to see Yvonne Strahovski's awesome boobies.

The Canyon was released on DVD yesterday November 17th. It's available via Amazon.com.


Rating:









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20091117

0

Wapakman (Official Trailer)

I don't know how I missed this debut trailer of Wapakman after being overcome with Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao hype over the last few days. But after seeing him demolish Miguel Cotto on Saturday night and retaining the prestige as the best pound for pound boxer in the world, after watching 4 24/7 episodes on HBO and hearing him sing on Jimmy Kimmel, you'd think I'd be all over this (I posted the teaser a while back)

Better late than never, right

Manny Pacquiao is the hero of the Philippines, an athlete who is regarded as the best boxer by all. He's defeated the best of the best. Marquez, Morales, Barerra, De La Hoya, Hatton and now Cotto. And so seeing him battle a hot vixen with supersonic breasts, a lava man and a giant crab should be no problem right?

Wapakman is going to rival any zany or insane Japanese movie with its crazininess. Here be the plot.

Magno is an ordinary man whose world revolves around his five kids while his wife, Magda, works as a nurse in Italy. One night Magno meets an accident. A car crashes into his truck and, upon impact, a big explosion takes place. Miraculously, Magno survives unscathed. The blowup is caused by Walo-walo, an organic substance which stores energy that is almost as powerful as nuclear energy. Soon, he wakes up and feels like a new man. Lighter. Faster. Stronger. Interestingly, his newfound powers start helping him become a better dad. His wish of being faster, smarter and stronger for his family is coming true. He assumes the identity of their favorite superhero - WAPAKMAN!

Soon, Magno learns that Magda has come back to take the kids with her to Italy. Magno wants his family to be together - happy and whole. He doesn't want to let go of the kids. But can he be a good dad in the eyes of his kids and still be a superhero? Magno knows that with Wapakman around the world will be a much safer place for his kids. This is a responsibility he just can not turn away from, but if it means losing his kids ... Can he give up being a superhero if it means saving the world? It is the hardest choice he has ever had to face and he must make a decision. Fast!

Directed by Topel Lee, and also starring Batista (from the WWE) and some other top Filipino stars, the movie is scheduled for release in the Philippines on Christmas Day, December 25th.

Enjoy the awesome trailer courtesy of Twitch.



20091116

0

The Shortround: Wade (Review)

Hot off the presses from the jaded viewer inbox of awesomness is a little short entitled Wade. Thanks to director Haynze Whitmore who sent me a screener of the film. After watching the trailers (you can see them all below) I was expecting a zombie exploitation flick. It's a little of both and you can see bits of Ash in the titular character.

Here be the plot.

WADE is a short film about a war hero that has to adapt to a small town after serving years in the armed forces. He takes a job as a bug exterminator and often feels the urge to go head to head combat with the bugs using army artillery. Disaster strikes when a chemical company does illegal spilling of a bizarre toxic waste and begins turning people into the living dead. Wade has to go back to his roots as a solder and save this small town from damnation.

the jaded viewer says: Whitmore filmed this short in Cheboygan, Michigan on what indie film directors call "a shoe string budget". Unfortunately it shows. The grindhouse, staticky feel got my gore adrenaline pumped early on but when we're introduced to Wade, it's hard to like our anti-hero asshole. He's got a scratchy voice, a severe smoking addiction and hates on everyone. As opposed to Ash, who uses humor and sarcasm, Wade comes off a little difficult to like. But I guess that's his charm. Raspy voice, wifebeater and muscle car. That's Wade in a nutshell.

Wade's day as a bug exterminator has him smoke bombing a lady's house, yelling at his GF, drinking the booze and investigating zombie slaughter. The good stuff finally comes in buckets and drum full of top notch gore and splatter. Zombies attack, zombies eat flesh and zombies get capped via headshots. In the shadow of darkness, Whitmore pulls off some good effects that Raimi would applaud. The movie is very surreal as well, combining some over the top performances from the cast with a hoola hooping girl trio music number.

Overall, Whitmore does his best to compact Wade's story into a short of a would be feature film. I am amazed by the drive indie filmmakers have when making their ideas come to life. You have to applaud the effort by Haynze Whitmore and his crew for making dare I say a first...an exploitation/zombie film. It's a first effort that can only get better on the more than likely sequel.










Wade was screened at the Madison Horror Festival and had two nominations and one win at the Terror Film Festival in Philly. Head over to the MySpace site for more information.

20091115

0

Samurai Princess (Trailer and DVD Release)

It's been a while since a featured some crazy Japanese splatter and gore flick. But if there is one to point out, it has to be from the mind of Kengo Kaji, who wrote Toky Gore Police (full review here). Here he wrote and directs Samurai Princess which is just more insanity and gore (with effects from Yoshihiro Nishimura) and starring Aino Kishi and Mihiro, two Japanese AV stars (thats Japanese porn stars for the uninitiated)

With porn stars in the lead...do I really need to actually give you plot? OK, see below.

When 11 of her friends are raped and murdered, leaving the Samurai Princess (adult video star Aino Kishi) the only survivor, she becomes infused with her comrades' souls. Transformed into an android, she sets out to avenge their deaths. Dai Mizuno co-stars as the princess's human partner in this Kengo Kaji-directed gore fest that features breast grenades, detachable chainsaw limbs, deadly guitar riffs and more.

Check out the trailer below. The DVD comes out November 17th.





Well now that's over with, I know you wanna see pictures of boobies right?

Aino Kishi's likes are: sex and slaughter

Mihiro's like are: sex and American horror bloggers

20091113

0

The Unbelievable (2009)

Sinopse:
É sobre uma equipe de tv que corre atrás de filmar espíritos pela Ásia...
por isso tem várias histórias...necrotério amaldiçoado, voodoo chinês, vila assombrada, mulher possuída, homem enforcado que quer voltar...
a última história foi a melhor...um castelo assombrado...cara...essa deu medo...
o filme começa meio confuso, mas depois fica legal...mas é muito forte...principalmente na história de Voodoo...o Arte do demônio(que trata sobre esse assunto)é filme da xuxa comparado a esse aqui...


Trailer:


Dados do Filme:
Título Original: The Unbelievable
Gênero: Horror
Lançamento: 2009
País de Origem: Hong Kong
Duração: 80 min
Direção: Fong Sai Keung

Elenco:
Szeto Fat Ching,
Rachel Chan,
Priscilla Wong

Dados do Arquivo:
Servidores: Jumbofiles
Tamanho: 946 MB.
Formato do arquivo: Rar
Formato do Video: Avi
Idioma do Audio: Cantonês
Legenda: Português
Codec do video: XviD
Codec do audio: MP3
Resolução: 640 x 352
Taxa de frames: 23.976
Qualidade do Vídeo: DvdRip

Links dos arquivos:
Parte única legendada - Aqui

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