With all this talk of Eli Roth's The Green Inferno, the cannibal movie is poised to make a comeback. I mean we haven't seen an awesome full native vs white man cannibal movie since the 80s. We've seen cannibal parodies and Bruno Mattei flicks. Hopefully Eli Roth will stick to the formula that have made Deodato and Lenzi horror household names. In a nutshell the white man must pay for trying to civilize the uncivilized.
When will the white man learn he can't control the cannibal natives. Be it for TV ratings or brainwashing the population, shit always hits the fan. Leave the poor blue smurfs alone (sorry wrong movie). All your technology doesn't mean shit when you got an arrow in the knee.
2.) Brains, Eyeballs and intenstines are fuckin tasty
Don't judge the natives because they like eating human sushi.
3.) The natives win because they have home court advantage
Civilized people don't know shit about the jungle. Can they swing through trees? Fuck no. Do they know the shortcuts to the river? Hell no. Natives know everything. You can run but no way can you hide.
4.) Documentary filmmakers have short life spans
It doesn't even have to be death by cannibals. I can only imagine the malaria, flesh eating virus and other fatal things that one can get in the jungle.
5.) When you see a body with a fuckin pole through somebody's mouth, it's time to fuckin leave
I mean it's common sense.
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Do you have others? Chime in below! What do you think about Eli Roth's new movie? Will it live up to Holocause, Ferox?
Oddly enough, I think I was one of the few who watched Andrew van den Houten's The Offpsring, the original movie The Woman is a sequel to. I gave it a "C" which is the equivalent of 2 spinkicks. I originally wrote:
"What the book and Ketchum tried to hint at is that these cannibals are like locusts and it’s in their nature to kill. Moreover, the “civilized” ex-husband versus the uncivilized cannibals act eerily similar when their lives are on the line. That’s the connection you should have made but the movie fails at this and all we’re left with is kid on kid violence for the sake of shock value."
With The Woman however, that connection is clearly made and the shock value is amped up to give you a fuckin punch in the nuts. What you get is a film that clearly satires the -ism it puts front and center and spews a vicious gore appetite, the squeamish may just walk out of the theater (which is what happened in Sundance).
Lucky McKee and Jack Ketchum with The Woman challenge your perceptions of civility by sending you scene after scene of what misogyny and sexism looks like on gamma radiated steroids. It's disgustingly violent and atrociously hard to watch but in this disturbed suburban nightmare, father demands he knows best and some may actually may agree. I was truly mesmerized by this tale of satire-sploitation. It's a film with exploitation characteristics but has so much to say as well.
The Woman will clearly be a "love it" or "hate it" film. It's a satire of the cookie cutter American family and the values they teach to their children. Even in this odd set up of a feral woman being "civilized", there is black humor and a few chuckles. The movie attacks traditional gender roles and the woman in The Woman maybe not be who we think she is. I have to say, it's a masterpiece of Americana horror satire, a film you have to respect because it hints at a truth that we all want to deny is real.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
Family man and lawyer Christoper Cleek (Sean Bridgers) must do what he can to protect his family when he comes into contact with a feral woman (Pollyana McIntosh) living in the woods near his isolated country home. Through a series of harrowing encounters Cleek and his family quickly discover there is more to this woman than anyone would suspect and that sometimes the devil wears a handsome face.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Let's get the nuthshell plot out of the way. We meet the Cleek family, Chris (Sean Bridgers) our alpha male, hunter and lawyer father, his wife Belle (Angela Bettis) who plays the obedient house mom, their daughter Peggy whose having teen issues that could be featured on MTV, their son Brian, a clone of his father and wee Darlin (their youngest).
Meeting this functional family in suburbia, one can only believe their is more to them than meets the eye. Chris is a motherfuckin patriarch of patriarchs. He is a throwback of man and he has "civilized" his family to know their roles. Discipline is handed out in physical abuse, where a Rick Flair "Woooooo!" would be said after every slap. When Chris discovers a feral woman (Pollyanna McIntosh) in the woods, his instincts (sexual) and other wise get raised and he decides to bring her home to the family for her rehabilitation. Like a sick dog, the family does has dear old dad tells them to.
Soon the dysfunction is hitting everybody in the family. Dad's being too comfortable with our savage in the cellar, son is becoming like dad and the the boiling point of mom is breaking. Secrets are revealed and the final 30 minutes are off the charts on the WTF scale. The Woman is a play on how those red states might believe is what America should be, spewing the same hate on the airwaves and brainwashing their children to do the same.
The performances are top notch with McIntosh delivering a seething anger through incomprehensible dialogue and emotional vengeance stamped to her face. She is beautiful but deadly and shows a flair aiken to Jenny Spain in Dead Girl. Bridgers is stellar as the misogynistic father who unleashes fury to get his respect. Bettis has a memorable scene when she unleashes her vent up frustration and anger. Great overall performances by the cast all around.
The Woman has a feminist agenda for sure. It dabbles on the identity of gender roles, maternal instinct and how compliance is just as deadly when nobody questions authority. It's easy to ask why nobody questions their father's judgement. But one should ask how savages can act civilized while we in the modern world do not. We cover our savagery with colorful dialogue, double entendres and we give B.S. reasons for our abuse.
The Woman shows America's contradiction in a bloody gory horror movie. When you remove the blood and gore, what you get is an examination of how mentally savage we might be. That's almost as sickening as seeing our Woman slaughter her captors.
Gore-ipedia
Ripped Necks Bloodied corpse Random neck trauma Slice and diced Oozing orifices Nude-ipedia
The lovely Pollyanna McIntosh gets naked (full frontal) multiple times
WTF moment
The family's secret The last 15 min
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
The Woman is headed towards my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2011 for sure. I was a little scared this wouldn't live up to the hype I gave it. It is the definitive Lucky McKee movie, the one that hovers above 76% on Rotten Tomatoes and deservedly so. No horror movie this year has made wince, cringe, nauseate and think all the same time. See The Woman.
In the first few minutes of Wrong Turn 3, we get full grade A boobies, pot smoking and ocular trauma. You gotta give a film its props for following all the cliches of a cannibal redneck horror film in its initial opening scene.
But that's where it slowly tumbles downhill. But that's not to say the tumble isn't fun. The thing about Wrong Turn 3 is your enjoying yourself while all the characters start dropping one by one. At the bottom of the hill however is a pile of corpses and you can't believe you actually witnessed this stinking pile of crap.
So horror minions, it's a review where I answer the burning questions you probably want to know before you see this or if you've already witnessed this semi atrocity, you want to hear the obvious questions answered in the most ridiculous way possible.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A group of people find themselves trapped in the backwoods of West Virginia, fighting for their lives against a group of vicious and horribly disfigured inbred cannibals.
(that sounds so familiar..doesn't it?)
Awesome Review-O-Matic
OK, let's play Who Wants to see a redneck cannibal movie?!?
Yah dude. And in this one he's like mega indestructable. I mean this hillybilly can survive gunshots to the chest, hooks to the brain and sharp poles in the stomach. WTF?!? Are their druids involved? Is his heart made out of black ooze? Does he control dream demons?
3.) I heard the plot is about of convicts and correction officers that have to survive against Three Fingers...so is there nudity in this?
Aside from the opening scene and some dead victim boobage, that sums up your Nude-ipedia.
4.) The token black guy totally dies tokenly...right?
Dude. Was there any doubt?
5.) I heard from another review that there are some Saw like kills in this flick. I love Saw so I'm going to put this on top of my Netflix que right after I search for porn. Is this true?
Correct-o-mundo. Here be your Gore-ipedia. I'm not sure how its possible for a redneck, cannibal inbred motherfucker to design Jigsaw like traps. I mean he's got a slice and dice trap, a sickle boobie trap, some wooden spikes trap and a barbwire type thingy. Who the fuck is this guy? Does he go to engineering school for trap making for the hideously deformed?
6.) So after watching the trailer, there seems to be some awesome splatter and gore. I like splatter and gore because I'm mentally unstable. Does that mean I'll like WT3? Well Mr. Unstable, I thought some of the gore scenes were pretty solid. Ocular trauma, pole in the mouth, pole in the mouth exiting out of the anus, road barbwire trauma. But the movie includes the WORST FUCKIN CGI I have seen...well since Dismal: Eat or be Eaten. Did these movies go the the 99 cents store of CGI? It's almost laughable...well because it is laughable.
7.) I heard from my friend's mother's uncle's half brother's priest's cousin once removed roommate that there is a scene of Convict vs Redneck ultimate battle? Really?
Yeah it almost as bad as watching the Yankees vs Phillies in the World Series.
8.) The NAACP told me this film is racist and sexist. I'd like to know. Is it?
Well you got a Mexican convict, a white skinhead and a convict that probably should be on to Catch a Predator...oh yeah all the white people all survive...so yeah its racist and sexist. Plus the portrayal of inbred, cannibal redneck Americans from West Virgina isn't true at all. They only say that only a few West Virginians are inbred, cannibal rednecks. Let's clear up the facts. West Virginia accounts for all 100% inbred, cannibal rednecks in America. So the point is you should never EVER go to West Virginia...or you will die.
9.) Final girl goes all final girly?
C'mon now...you know the answer to your own question.
10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?
Wow. The film throws a happy ending than explodes a WTF moment ending right after. I've never seen such balls to initiate a wildly ambiguous ending to warrant a sequel.
If you have any other questions, go and ahead and comment and I'll answer them in the most sarcastic and preposterous way possible. The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
So I'm going to give this 2 spinkicks. Remember, I'm grading on a curve. It's only 90 minutes and somehow spawned logic questions of..."How did Three Fingers survive a hook to the head, getting burned alive and then somehow getting ahead of the speeding getaway car?".
Yes horror minions, it's so dumb and stupid you probably will loose a few brain cells watching Wrong Turn 3. It's like moonshine on celluloid. But that doesn't stop us from taking a swig of this foul tasting concoction.
