Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (Review)

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (2010)

Directed by Uwe Boll

I don't think I've seen a Uwe Boll movie since Postal.

Avoiding Uwe Boll movies isn't to hard. But Brendan Fletcher (a Boll regular) reminds us that the reason Uwe Boll's names keep popping up on the Interwebs is because websites give him the free coverage he knows he'll get if he keeps making fucked up movies. For every Auschwitz he makes, he does make a Bloodrayne 3.

So I'm as guilty as everybody else when I review this 3rd installment of Bloodrayne. I try to go in and hope it's tolerable but it's inevitable that this flick was doomed from the start.

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich is the equivalent of seeing a monkey throw its own feces at a tiger. It's kinda goofy and totally outrageous. You're hoping to see the tiger just rip the monkey to shreds. But all we get is more feces thrown all over the place. Yup...there's shit all over the place.

In between the lovely Natassia Malthe as Rayne slices and dices, has lesbian sex then in one of the most WTF moments ever has sex with a resistance fighter in the back of a Nazi truck where they are prisoners headed to their execution. Read that sentence again. Got it? Now that's Uwe Boll making sure we get ample boobage no matter what the situation.

I don't have to lecture you on the Uwe Boll movie game to film process. It's pretty shitty all around. So here are some pics and clips to save you 70 minutes of your time.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Rayne fights against the Nazis in Europe during World War II, encountering Ekart Brand, a Nazi leader whose target is to inject Adolf Hitler with Rayne's blood in an attempt to transform him into a dhampir and attain immortality.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK you probably want to see Natassia Malthe naked because as well as killing Nazis and Nazi vampires she still has time to get some lesbo sex and fuck in the back of a Nazi trunk. So this be your exit to see her boobage. See am I not thinking of your best interests?

Let's check out some pics.

There isn't any way I could maintain eye contact with Rayne

These aren't your Indiana Jones Nazis

I don't know why she's wearing that leather hat thing either

Sometimes you gotta kill Nazi vampires in a bikini

Here's some clips. I'll set them up for you.

Here's Rayne distracting the soldiers with her cleavage. It works every time.

Lots of voice over dialogue just to see her cleavage.



She just had lesbian sex 2 minutes before this action scene.



Here's the trailer.



Nude-ipedia

Natassia Malthe gets naked for all of us

Gore-ipedia

Lots of standard slice and dice, decaps and vamps turning into ooze

WTF moment

Really? A sex scene in the back of a moving Nazi truck where your like 5 min away from being executed?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Ummm I liked Kristinna Loken better.

Rating:

Karl the Butcher is back! (Violent Shit 4 Trailer)

If this is the first time you've heard the name Andreas Schnaas, well I'm here to educate you my gorehound minions. Schnaas is the director of the infamous Violent Shit Trilogy. Let me take you to a time when horror bootleg VHS tapes at horror conventions were the norm and 3 German directors redefined the low budget splatter film.

With Schnaas was Jorg Buttgereit (Nekromantik and Nekromantik 2) and Olaf Ittenbach (Premutos, Burning Moon). The only way to see their films was to trade on the internet or go to a horror fest and buy a badly dubbed VHS copy. These 3 left their mark in the gorehound hall of fame. Mind you their movies had no plot, their films badly subtitled and had no budget, but that was made up for in the buckets of blood, gore and guts they put on the screen.

So Schnaas who last made a Troma distributed film called Nikos the Impaler is back to his roots with Violent Shit 4.0: Karl the Butcher vs Axe. Who the fuck is Axe? I have no idea but from the trailer I noticed a few things:

• NYC seems kinda apocalypticized
• Egypt too
• Umm lots of people are kinda dead
• Metal Masks from 1989 look the same in 2010
• Karl knows kung fu?!?!
• Gratuitous nudity!
• Arterial spraying! (looks like Schnaas got $5 extra dollars this time around)
• Karl is gonna knock some heads this time around (PUN SO INTENDED!)

Check out the trailer below. Thanks to Cinema Suicide and The Horror Geek for the heads up.





Here are my mini reviews of all three movies for the record. I wrote these circa 2002.

1.) Violent Shit

Andreas Schnaas is a cult horror icon throughout the underground horror community. Everybody has heard of the Violent Shit Trilogy. Holy splatter and guts Batman! This is utter torture in the worse way.

Shot on video trash, VS is an exercise of guerrilla film making. A plot is non existent, but Karl the Butcher, our delusional and insane serial killer armed with a butcher's knife goes frolicking around the back, waaaay back German woods hacking up victims who just happen to be there.

The gore is very artificial but in a comical sorta way. Arms get cut off, heads get beheaded, intestines fall out, victims get cut in 2. It's a total ripoff of FT13th but Karl the Butcher has its moments and Violent Shit is fuckin violent shit.

2.) Violent Shit 2: Mother Hold My Hand

The best movie of the trilogy. Looky here! An opening title sequence. Classic splatter. No holds barred dismemberment's, intestines, yada yada yada.

3.) Violent Shit 3: Infantry of Doom AKA Zombie Doom

We conclude with Zombie Doom. Schnaas, you would have hoped by now would have had a budget to make a decent flick but alas he tries to intermix some American movies he must have seen (bad move Andreas!) and add some goofy humor.

Basic plot: Karl Sr and Jr. are reunited and have started a cult. Members train and of course if fail are unfortunately dismembered and killed. A former member (let's call him Chinese guy) and 2 castaways land who unfortunately land on the wrong island must survive Karl Jr's game...humans are hunted for sport. (you so original Schnaas!)

Cult members die, splatter galore, dismemberment's, disfigurements, tit impaling, head impaling, gutted stomachs. You got the picture? A little letdown from Part 2 but it's got the goodies.

So what do you all think?

Blood Creek (Review)

Blood Creek (aka Town Creek)

Blood Creek (2009)

Directed by Joel Schumacher

Look at that. That's not a typo. This film was actually directed by Joel Schumacher. So 75% chance this is gonna suck. I mean this is the man who gave us Batman nipples. I think the only flick I liked of his was 8mm.

But I digress. Lion's Gate poops out horror movies into the dollar bin every year, sometimes they give low budget theaters a chance to screen their horror line. They did the same thing with Midnight Meat Train, a film that deserved a chance to be pushed mainstream and to be seen because it was awesome.

Well what we got here is a Lions Gate clunker that could have easily been on After Dark's Horrorfest lineup. Blood Creek is a very odd flick. It starts out all Martyrs like and then becomes Nazi occult demonology kung fu.

I mean it stars Dominic Purcell. And if your watching a movie with him in it, there is a 100% guarantee he's going to punch somebody in the face.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A man and his brother on a mission of revenge become trapped in a harrowing occult experiment dating back to the Third Reich.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I don't have enough brain power to actually review this movie so I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions that you were gonna ask anyway.

1.) West Virginia has Nazi zombies?

Ummm. Yeah sorta. Supposedly a Nazi officer named Wirth who with orders from Hitler goes to West Virginia (West Virginia has redneck cannibals and Nazi zombies...note to self: NEVER EVER GO TO WEST VIRGINIA) in the 30s to dabble in some occult Nordic rune stones. He entraps a German family and becomes a redneck cannibal.

2.) So what does this have to do with brothers? Are they redneck cannibals too?

I'm going to say nope, they aren't. Seems Vic (Dominic Purcell) went missing on a fishing trip but mysteriously pops up and tells his brother Evan (Henry Cavill) to help him kill a family. Of course he doesn't explain why he wants to slaughter mom, dad, sis and big bro. I mean if you said:

"Bro, we need to kill them because they tortured me in a shipping container and fed me to an undead Nazi officer bent on world domination!"

Would you believe him?

3.) So the brothers and the family are the good guys?

Yup. The family turns out to be good plus they haven't aged since the 30s. The daughter Liese (Emma Booth) knows all about Wirth and his plans for taking over the world because she stole them and went to www.nazioccultforbeginners.com.

4.) So I heard this Wirth guy has rules he has to abide by and he has powers like he can melt your face. I hate fuckin rules in my Nazi occult monster movies. So are there boobies?

Nope. Sorry dude, no boobies of any kind. But as for the rules, poor Wirth has more things he CAN'T do than a freakin vampire. See below.

• He can't enter a house with blood rune markings
• He can't fight you if your wearing the bones of his ancestors
• He can't drink his own blood, it will poison him

As for powers, he's got:

• He can reanimate the dead (humans and animals)
  
• He's got killer nails
• He can transform and develop a 3rd eye of DOOM!

It's not as awesome as it sounds. Trust me.

5.) Are there horses in this? I love horses, they are such beautiful, peaceful animals. They are so majestic and strong and brave.

Yup, there are horses. In one scene, Vic and Evan shoot a horse to death by riddling it with shotgun shells. They blow chunks of horse meat all over the house. Horses rock.

6.) How's the splatter content? Will I say "Fuck yeah!" in any of the gore scenes?

Gore is solid here. Lots of oozing yellow puss, blood and various excrement. Wirth's Nazi zombie makeup is top notch (as you can see on the cover).

7.) I heard the CGI makes Avatar look like Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. Really?

What planet you on Avator boy? The CGI and visual effects are laughable at best. You could see better effects from the prize out of a Cracker Jack box.

8.) I know the Nazi's stole the Ark of the Covenant and searched for the Holy Grail. So is this based on true events?

Yes it is. Is it time for your meds yet?

9.) So does Dominic Purcell inflict violence in every scene he's in?

You betcha **wink wink**. I mean has there ever been a TV show or film that Dominic Purcell's starred in that he hasn't punched somebody in the face? The man loves punching people in the face. He's so good at it.

10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

Yup. Seems other Nazi occult agents were sent all over West Virginia to look up Runes. Here's hoping we send Indiana Jones after them.

There ya have it. That's your Blood Creek FAQ. The fact that I didn't see a creek in this movie is the least of my gripes. There is blood, there is no creek and there is no town. So what is there?

There is one helluva bad movie.

WTF moment

Horse-acide

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This came out yesterday on DVD. You may be tempted to rent this, Netflix it or *gasp* even buy this, I implore you...DO NOT! But hell, you may not listen to me and think a Joel Schumacher horror film is worthy of an hour and a half of your time.

Let me remind you of two words: Batman nipples.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.