5 Lesser Known Presidential Monster Hunters

 

Oh sure you know the Abraham Lincoln legend.The Vampire Hunter president. 44 presidents and he gets all the fame for staking vamps and preventing an apocalypse. But let's not forget these other lesser known legendary presidents who battled the supernatural from the Oval Office.

5.)  John Adams/Johny Quincy Adams: Leprechaun Hunters

Father and son took on the menace of killer leprechauns who looked to bankrupt America.

4.) Benjamin Harrison: Troll Hunter

Post civil war president Harrison took a rag tag group of former Union and Confederates soldiers and battled trolls in Colorado

3.) Chester A. Arthur: Sea Monster Hunter

Arthur made new steel war ships in order to battle the ongoing threat of sea monsters threatening the east coast of the US....and he did it victoriously.

2.) Harry S. Truman: Nazi Zombie Hunter

After WWII, Truman had to battle the new threat. Nazi zombies. Defeating a zombie SS army by zombie Hitler, Truman made sure the Nazis were gone for good.

1.) John F. Kennedy: Succubi Killer

Kennedy had to battle the evil but beautiful succubi in all it's forms, seducing them as they seduced him. If it were not for Kennedy, the queen of the succubi, Marilyn would have destroyed us all.

Are you now educated by these other presidential American heroes? Good. See Lincoln wasn't the only one.

The Cabin in the Woods (Review)

The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Directed by Drew Goddard
Written by Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon

The Cabin in the Woods was suppose to come out on February 5th 2010. It didn't. The poster and trailer were released December of last year. We had to wait 2+ years for this to come out. As a hoarder and fanboy of all that is Whedon, I was getting annoyed and was losing any hope that this movie was ever going to be released. They delayed it to 3D it. Joss and Drew cried foul. Would we ever see this???

And yes we all would. But as April 13th approached, I knew Cabin would be my must see movie of the year. I was having Whedon withdrawal and even though he was giving us Avengers, it was mainstream Joss. With CITW, we were getting vintage Joss. Teamed with Drew Goddard (a Buffy/Angel alum writer/director) we were going to get the answer to that age old question...

"What would happen if Joss Whedon (and Drew Goddard) wrote a horror movie?"

And beyond my wildest expectations, The Cabin in the Woods is the best horror movie of 2012. To go even further, it probably is the best horror comedy of the last 10 years. My fellow jaded viewers, CITW is better than Scream (sorry Wes) and all its bastard children. Tucker and Dale vs Evil hinted towards a meta aware horror comedy but CITW goes lights years beyond that.

Simply and concisely summarized, Cabin is a meta self aware revolutionary horror comedy that takes those structured horror cliches, be it the stereotypical characters, the irrational choices, the set direction and the mythos and goes all man behind the curtain on it. Joss and Drew go all Wizard of Oz-ing on the horror genre and it's so brilliant, so awesome and so fucking clever you will leave the theater in a state of pure happy happy joy joy bliss and understand why #CabinintheWoodsisEPIC was trending on Twitter.

It's a horror reference machine, sending you cameos, trends and cliches a mile a minute and it asks you to get it. Do you get it? Do you understand the parody of what you're seeing? You don't? Then go ask somebody. Go watch the Universal classics, the slasher franchises, the Kubrick masterpiece. Then you'll understand why Cabin is going to spawn it's own genre and some bastard children of it's own.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Of course, the movie is about 5 friends who go to a cabin in the woods. But in the opening scene (in classic Whedon fashion) the twist which is SUPPOSE to be in the middle of the film is the one that starts you off. Any way of plot points and spoilers will ruin the movie for you so I will now not mention much of it (like CTK @ Planet of Terror did in his review). What I will do is answer my standard Q&A when I review a slasher film (because I'm jack full of spaz tuna) and also go in a bonus round, let's cyberchat in the comments. Go, go gadget Q&A!

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check...and it has so much more that I'm getting giddy and a horror boner talking about it.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Check. Rated R motherfucker. They're real and they're spectacular.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check. A blonde bimbo slut, a stoner "fool", the dumb jock, the smart guy and your standard prepackaged final "virgin" girl. Oh how you will howl with laughter at Fran Kranz's performance as Marty, the stoner. He spews Whedon-logue as good as Xander Harris.

4.) No Plot?

It's really a trick question as of course there is a plot and it's fuckin awesome. When you drank a can of New Coke, you know it's just a version of the original formula. Oh how I love the original formula. Classic Coke with a twist of sassy.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. You will yell out in delight and make a mess in your pants. You will see a lot of fanboy O faces.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. There are LOL scenes of WTF by the various "things". The blood and splatter are top notch. Lots of everything I said above with a point that may impale your brain. Hint hint.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends the hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Wow. Joss get out of my head. This describes our stoner Marty to a tee. Though the legend is more of the "Here is what the fuck is going on" to his friends and the audience. Marty is using is sight beyond sight. That's the real power of weed.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. The Whedonesque dialogue complete with Buffy speak is as always fuckin brilliant. Sure, "teenagers" are spewing dialogue written by 30 and 40 somethings but it has always worked when done by the Whedon players. The jokes are spot on timely and hilariously LOL. The play on words and reverse logic make it all the more fun. It's dialogue and conversation that is probably written in a conventional way and then Whedon-ized to make it funny. Remember, Joss actually talks like this.

9.) Gratuitous cameos of horror legends (a famous man of the box, classic Universal monsters, Kubrick tweens) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Check. SPOILER ALERT!!! This link here will give you all the info you need.

9a.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Check. But it's the final girl we see at the end playing "Le Director" that you'll be cheering for.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Actually...well.....ummm....no?

************************************************************

The Cabin in the Woods will be remembered as a game changer in the world of horror. It's a horror movie within the making of a horror movie. The Whedon elements are pure mythological magic, where he introduces something new to an audience that has long forgotten or chosen to forget why we all love the horror genre.

Goddard and Whedon break down into the slasher formula and ask the questions we've all asked before, during and after the movie. We've always questioned character motivations, absurd coincidences, elaborate backstory and heroic save the day moments but never has it been put in a movie so brilliantly and with such style and and LOL zingers.

A new generation of millennials has now been introduced us to the topsy turvy world of Hellmouth 101.

Nude-ipedia

A spectacular pair of mangoes

Gore-ipedia

Mucho slaughter via slasher weaponry
Mucho victim fodder via various slasher methodology

WTF moment

SPOILER ALERT!!! (scroll over to see)
----> (I'll never see unicorns the same again)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Cabin in the Woods is clearly the film to beat as best horror movie of 2012. So many Buffy/Angel/Dollhouse alum I was oozing Whedonesque Fanboy-isms like a motherfucker. Everybody go see this movie. NOW. Drop what you're doing and see it now. Why are you still reading this?

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

The Shortround: The Code (Review)

Lots of new Shortround posts this week. Here's another one where you can actually watch for yourself. From Mark Blitch comes The Code, a horror comedy short that part Buffy part Shaun of the Dead.

The tagline says it all: Put it on your Google Calendar

Watch the short below and then read my review.

The Code - watch more funny videos

the jaded viewer says: At 6 minutes, The Code cleverly polishes it's Buffy dialogue and Shaun of the Dead references while throwing in cameos chock full of horror icons. It's funny and knows the stereotypical horror cliches it parodies. I like the cliched opening of a douchebag alpha male with the supposed dumb blonde though I was 100% sure she was a Buffy in disguise.

The vampire, chainsaw slasher and Bigfoot were solid surprises but Taylor Brandt as zombie Shaun steals the show with his loyalty for Google Calendar. Obvious reference aside, it made me LOL and the makeup and FX won ton of awards at the Splatterfest Festival in Houston.

Good job by all those involved and I'm happy you all were able to see it as well.

Check out the links below for more info.

Film - http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/65eu
IMDB - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2059297/
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Code/246951718683504
Metal Sandwhich Films: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Metal-Sandwich-Films/190463734328735

Strigoi (Review)

Strigoi



Strigoi (2009)



Directed by Faye Jackson



I don't get it.



Every other reviewer seems to think this was a creative and unique take on the old Romanian legend that spawned the vampire. Maybe I have ADD and can't stand long, boring scenes of nothing. Maybe I don't get the humor in this. Maybe I don't understand why Romanians speak English. Maybe I don't get the fact the film is goofing around with a generational gap.



Maybe I just don't get this flick.





Boring Plot-O-Matic

Podoleni Village may seem like a typical Eastern European town, but when a young local named Vlad goes searching for his grandfather’s runaway dog, he uncovers a mysterious death. As Vlad digs deeper into the possible murder mystery, his trail leads him to the Tirescus — an ex-Communist couple who happen to be the richest landowners in town. Though Vlad is determined to confront the Tirescus, his quest takes a sudden detour when he learns that the two bullies may be bloodsuckers in more ways than one…

Strigoi: The Undead is a Vampire movie that defies categorization. Shedding a fantastic light on a post-Communist Romanian village, the film introduces us to an ancient myth: Strigoi, the belief that people who’ve been wronged can rise again after death to seek justice and satisfy their thirst for blood. A deeply human take on an old horror story, this dark comedy explores the old world versus the new and delves into the heart of modern Romania.

Awesome Review-O-Matic



Faye Jackson's Strigoi is a British indie flick that uses the old Romanian legend of "strigoi" to get back the vampire to its roots. The central character Vlad is a young 20-ish hipster and former med student who's looking for guidance in his life. Returning to his hometown in Romania, he encounters his mom, grandpappy and a cast of townies who have a secret that they are trying to cover up.



Filled with slight goofy humor as the strigoi infiltrate the lives of Vlad, his family and the town, none if it really clicked for me. Lots of 'logue filled with generational gap humor and investigative protocol. I probably wasn't really paying attention but if the movie were interesting, I'd be on alert. None of the humor was very funny and none of the scenes were remotely memorable.



The monsters weren't really that terrifyingly funny. And running at 106 minutes, you need a good pace to keep somebody like me interested.



Maybe I missed the point, the humor and whatever was going on in this flick. I'm just going to mark it as a gap in my jaded viewer memory.



The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis



The movie is being released via Breaking Glass Pictures on their Vicious Circle Label. These may not be the vampires you're looking for. Move along.



The Vitals

• The official site

Rating:

1/2 a



Here's the trailer.

Stake Land (Review)

Stake Land



Stake Land (2011)



Directed by Jim Mickle



When I saw the trailer for Jim Mickle's Stake Land, I have to say I got excited. Mickle's Mulberry Street to me is one of the best films to come out of the lame-o After Dark Horrorfests. So after tackling zombies, the next logical step has to be vampires right?



Stake Land draws a world of post apocalyptic America filled with non sparkly vampires and religious extremism taken to it's most extreme. Comparisons to The Road meets the Walking Dead meets Red State have to be made. And these are all good things in an above average flick. Characters come first in Stake Land, with eerie scenes of a wrinkled and abandoned America coming in second and finally fight scenes coming in at bronze.



There are no 3D gimmicks or star power to drive Stake Land. That's the beauty of a straight forward genre piece by Mickle. You're here to enjoy the road trip of these rag tag strangers who are looking for the mystical New Eden. Like in all road trips, you're going to get bored a few times along the way and Stake Land does suffer from stretches of boring nothingness. Not even a hint of dialogue to get more character development.



But clearly you have to take the good with the bad. Stake Land is a safe bet, a sunny day in a world of the bloody thirsty.



Boring Plot-O-Matic



Martin was a normal teenage boy before the country collapsed in an empty pit of economic and political disaster. A vampire epidemic has swept across what is left of the nation's abandoned towns and cities, and it's up to Mister, a death dealing, rogue vampire hunter, to get Martin safely north to Canada, the continent's New Eden.



Awesome Review-O-Matic



No extensive review here. I'm sure you can browse through the IMDB external reviews to get what you need about plot and such. I'm going to just give you a few thoughts on the film via list form because well I can't come up with coherent sentences.

• Mister (Nick Damici) is one badass vampire motherfuckin hunter. A tough guy's tough guy. No jokey slayer. Nuff said.
• Martin is Daniel-son, padwan and youngling. I like how the opening credits are a freakin training montage.
• Their one man wolfpack includes: a nun, the lovely pregnant Danielle Harris and a Marine brotha
• I loved the backdrops of burnt out cars, houses and vampires hanging on ropes. Just great post apocalyptic scenery bordering on a Hollywood set design. This might not be to far off from the real America.
• Jebedia and the Brotherhood seems like a extreme satire on all that is Republican religious right wing nutzoids. I know these people actually exist but in Stake Land they come out as a crazy cult bent on survival. It seem to unbelievable to me but I'll give it a pass
• The American government and military seem so half ass in a vampire apocalyptic world. I would hope they wouldn't fold this easy.
• The father-son relationship between Mister and Martin is solid, pretty much the driving force of the flick.
• The action scenes are straightforward. Gunshots, slicing and dicing, stake through the hearts, yada yada yada.
  
  
• Who dies first...the nun or the brotha?
• The final battle is sad and sadder and saddest
  
  
• The ending is clearly a nod to all zombie flick endings

Stake Land is indie horror with a precision pulse on the genre. A lot of indie films try to emulate a post apocalyptic world be it zombies or vampires but Stake Land is one of the few that does it right. It's a little slow at times, yes even boring at points, the characters aren't totally flushed out, a few hiccups with the plot and story but all are minor grievances in an otherwise fresh take on the vampire run amok genre.



I can only guess where Mickle will go next. Maybe werewolves? How about a regular slasher flick? Maybe even a killer shark. I can see Mickle headed towards some big budget remake and I'm praying that doesn't happen.



That would be a stake right through my fuckin heart.



Nude-ipedia



Nada



Gore-ipedia



Your standard stuff



WTF moment



Danielle Harris.....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis



The movie is now out on DVD via IFC Films. I'm sure you can Netflix it or whatever. It's a good solid 140 min and has a few themes running through it for the more intellectual horror fan. You'll definitely leave feeling like you've seen a solid horror flick.



The Vitals

• The official site

Rating:





Trailer

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (Review)

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (2010)

Directed by Uwe Boll

I don't think I've seen a Uwe Boll movie since Postal.

Avoiding Uwe Boll movies isn't to hard. But Brendan Fletcher (a Boll regular) reminds us that the reason Uwe Boll's names keep popping up on the Interwebs is because websites give him the free coverage he knows he'll get if he keeps making fucked up movies. For every Auschwitz he makes, he does make a Bloodrayne 3.

So I'm as guilty as everybody else when I review this 3rd installment of Bloodrayne. I try to go in and hope it's tolerable but it's inevitable that this flick was doomed from the start.

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich is the equivalent of seeing a monkey throw its own feces at a tiger. It's kinda goofy and totally outrageous. You're hoping to see the tiger just rip the monkey to shreds. But all we get is more feces thrown all over the place. Yup...there's shit all over the place.

In between the lovely Natassia Malthe as Rayne slices and dices, has lesbian sex then in one of the most WTF moments ever has sex with a resistance fighter in the back of a Nazi truck where they are prisoners headed to their execution. Read that sentence again. Got it? Now that's Uwe Boll making sure we get ample boobage no matter what the situation.

I don't have to lecture you on the Uwe Boll movie game to film process. It's pretty shitty all around. So here are some pics and clips to save you 70 minutes of your time.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Rayne fights against the Nazis in Europe during World War II, encountering Ekart Brand, a Nazi leader whose target is to inject Adolf Hitler with Rayne's blood in an attempt to transform him into a dhampir and attain immortality.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK you probably want to see Natassia Malthe naked because as well as killing Nazis and Nazi vampires she still has time to get some lesbo sex and fuck in the back of a Nazi trunk. So this be your exit to see her boobage. See am I not thinking of your best interests?

Let's check out some pics.

There isn't any way I could maintain eye contact with Rayne

These aren't your Indiana Jones Nazis

I don't know why she's wearing that leather hat thing either

Sometimes you gotta kill Nazi vampires in a bikini

Here's some clips. I'll set them up for you.

Here's Rayne distracting the soldiers with her cleavage. It works every time.

Lots of voice over dialogue just to see her cleavage.



She just had lesbian sex 2 minutes before this action scene.



Here's the trailer.



Nude-ipedia

Natassia Malthe gets naked for all of us

Gore-ipedia

Lots of standard slice and dice, decaps and vamps turning into ooze

WTF moment

Really? A sex scene in the back of a moving Nazi truck where your like 5 min away from being executed?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Ummm I liked Kristinna Loken better.

Rating:

Ninjas vs Vampires (Review)

Ninjas vs Vampires

Ninjas vs Vampires (2010)

Directed by Justin Timpane

Well let me first say I never saw Ninjas vs Zombies, Justin Timpane's first cult film. Maybe that's a good thing as I can judge Ninjas vs Vampires without any baggage.

Clearly a film with a title like this makes you think you're going to see some SyFy smoke and mirrors bad CGI, bad acting and incoherent plot. And that's not to far off from the truth. Ninjas vs Vampires is a b-movie low budget spectacle with mediocre CGI, quirky acting and an incoherent plot. But all of what's above is what makes it likable.

I wouldn't go as far as to call it "It's so bad, it's good" but what I will say is it's got a DIY indie spirit that pushes it into a Rebecca Black Friday likable. Ninjas vs Vampires is a pop culture machine of funness. It never takes itself to seriously, zings in cleverly clever one liners and has some not too shabby fight scenes. Bringing in the elements of the kung fu film with the retardedness of the cliched vampire genre, NvV is a cult classic for the horror fan who thinks they've seen it all.

Score one for Team Ninja.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Ninjas battle vampires for the fate of the world in this all new Action-Horror-Comedy from the creators of 2010’s cult smash, Ninjas vs. Zombies! Moments after down-on-his-luck Aaron is rejected by the girl of his dreams, they both are attacked by blood-sucking vampires. Driven to save her, Aaron tracks down the mysterious ninjas, who wage a nightly war against the forces of darkness. Now, as the vampire overlord Seth plots to destroy mankind, Aaron has only one choice - join the ninjas, save the world, and get the girl... or die trying.

Sexy, funny, shocking, and bloody, Ninjas vs. Vampires delivers an action-packed comedic adventure unlike any other!

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Well a standard review would be pretty much be boring. So I'm going with random Karate Kid and Buffy quotes to get you in the mood of the film.

"Get him a body bag! Yeah!"

Seems like we our BFF's Aaron and Alex stumble unto a full on war between vamps and ninjas. One begs to question if this is what happens everyday in Suburbia, America. I like to think a daily war happens between these two groups at the Hot Topic.

"To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you. Why am I still talking to you?"

The vamps are straight out of the Joss Whedon rejected characters list. Your typical Anne Rice metrosexual, his horny whore, a few Jay and Bob rejects, some Phantom of the Opera dollar store dweebs and a "I'm a crazy homicidal vamp guy". Plus vampire henchman.

"Wax on, wax off"

So our ninjas are of the non asian variety. I mean I figure asians trained in karate are in short supply in the indie horror world. Their's your Willow clone witch, 2 Caucasian Akira's, an ex vampire (see like Spike!) and our new recruits.

They get inducted and we're off to fight the vamps.

"We like to talk big. Vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people, billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs."

So the vamps have some sort of plan, set traps and want some sort of amulet. It's not really important. What is is how when our vamps battle our ninjas, we get our standard supply of Blade fire poofing. Lots of CGI done on a Mac here. Lots of sliced legs, punctured CGI blood and vamps going all flamey combustion.

Some of it is indeed laughable but you start to realize what kind of movie you're watching. OK guys, read this because it's technically important part of the review.

Ninjas vs Vampires is a b-movie horror fandom flick made my horror fans who love b-movie horror flicks. Timpane, his crew and his actors homage all the genre films and make fun of the one's they loathe. From insults of "sparkling vampires" to quotable quotes uttered in a Scooby Gang fashion, it's a love letter to kung fu flicks and vampire cheesiness.

And you either buy into watching this fan made film or you don't. We've all watched our share of fan made shorts, trailers and films on YouTube. This one is just done more professionally, relatively speaking.

"Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, karate good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?"

But of course that doesn't mean it's all happy skippity doo. The dialogue is clever but the actors don't seem to have the comedic timing I was hoping for. Sure you'll get a chuckle on a few one liners but mostly it's a rushed indie blockbuster film with lots of ambition. The movie was made in some dude's house (maybe without their knowledge!) and their isn't a lick of gratuitous nudity (well somebody was gonna ask)

I sometimes don't understand why a low budget indie has to order the complete package of cheesy CGI, ridiculous costumes and over the top dialogue. Or wait...is that the point? Is that intentional? Hmmm I'd like to know. Did they want to go in that direction to make it more funny. Hell even BtVs look kinda bad compared to todays CGI.

In any case, Team Ninjas prevail in the end and a double kicker sets up another sequel.

I'll admit, I didn't get bored watching Ninjas vs Vampires. It has some delicious hotties to look at, has some adept fighting scenes and a few ha ha's that make it tolerable. It's a little ambitious yes, but it's so self aware that it probably knows it's ridiculous.

Hell, I mean the title says it all.

Gore-ipedia

Pixels of gore and splatter

Nude-ipedia

Sigh...none.

WTF moment

The vampire henchmen are kinda dumb as bricks

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Need a vampire and ninja film fix? This be the film for you.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Facebook Page
  

Rating:


Here's the trailer.

Let Me In (Review)

Let Me In

Let Me In (2010)

Directed by Matt Reeves

Didn't I already review this?

Oh yeah I did. As most horror fans already watched Let the Right One In (review here), we all probably were comparing the original while watching the remake. I can't say I blame you. I did the same thing.

Everything I wanted to say is pretty much in that original review. The American remake is almost similar to the original though upon reflection I have to say the Swedish film is a little better.

Why?

Oddly enough, it's because I saw it first. Something about seeing the Swedish version and watching superb characters, a mesmerizing story and that stellar invitation scene the first time around sticks in your mind. Seeing a replay in all American speak makes it less powerful sorry to say. That's not to say the film is any less better. It's still strong with stellar performances by Chloe Moretz and Kodi Smit-McPhee.

Director Matt Reeves does a beautiful job of shooting the film, the story still emotionally impactful and the performances top notch. But it's that damn elephant in the room (the original) is kinda standing there going...."What? I wasn't good enough?"

I'm totally stealing from my original review.

Let the Right One In [or Let Me In] is a movie that is a journey in to a fantastic world, where the love of two people, be it tweens or grownups, is complicated, tender and always full of hardship.

But choices have to be made. And everybody has to live with the consequences.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A bullied young boy befriends a young female vampire who lives in secrecy with her guardian.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Seriously. I'm not going into an in depth review here. I wrote all my thoughts about the Abby and Owen relationship in my original review. I explored the themes, the relationship and the vampire mythos they created. So read that in my first review. So what else is there to talk about?

I'll say this. Chloe Moretz (who was last seen in the awesome Kick-Ass) gives an outstanding performance as Abby. From playing a vicious Hit Girl to tender blood sucking vamp, she shows a clear understanding of what makes her characters tick. Her blood dripping savageness is mixed in with an innocence lost. You have to applaud the balance of her performance as Abby.

Kodi Smit-McPhee (who I last saw on The Road) does a good job as Owen, our bullied tween. He has a soon to be love struck champion feel to him. Like in the original, Owen is not overtly shocked by seeing Abby's true nature but mesmerized by it all (and even possibly blinded due to his undying love for his new girl).

What I didn't like was the overt use of CGI to make Abby look like Blade in Blade 2. WTF was that all about? The original film lacked any of that and worked. Reeves figured he'd Clover some field into Let Me In and it totally wasn't necessary.

Finally, I was waiting for the invitation scene (which I have said is utterly inventive as it is brilliant) and I'll admit the Swedish version handles it a little bit better.

Check out the original.

The blood dripping from the ears and the eyes. It looks like Eli is crying. Also the way its shot, you see Eli's face dead on like Oskar does. In Let Me In, its a bit more distant. Abby has her head down and you can't see the pain that's being inflicted.

It's still a powerful scene in Let Me In but clearly it's done so creatively and in your face in Let The Right One In, it hits you like a ton of bricks. I hate to compare but I HAVE TO. The remake was made only 2 years after the original. 2 years!!!!

Let Me In is one step below the original but it's good enough to stand on it's own for the American viewing audience. It has the alienation, the loneliness and it develops the relationship of two people (no matter their age) as they connect in the frigid winter of Nowhere, America.

I'd like to say it had the same impact as Let the Right One In, but I can't. The remake was made because Let the Right One In was so successful and so powerful. If the original didn't captivate us, no way would Hollywood goes all remakey. That's what Reeves had to realize. And that's exactly what Director Tomas Alfredson said about the remake:

"Remakes should be made of movies that aren't very good. That gives you the chance to fix whatever has gone wrong. I'm very proud of my movie and I think it's great, but the Americans might have another opinion. The saddest thing for me would be to see this beautiful story made into something mainstream. I don't like to whine, but of course - if you spent years on painting a picture, you'd hate to hear buzz about a copy even before your vernissage"

(vermissage meaning the start of an art exhibit)

(from MoreHorror.com)

I couldn't say it any better.

Gore-ipedia/Nude-ipedia

Neck trauma
Acid face
Blood and blood and blood

WTF moment

Invitation Scene
Pool Scene

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you can't stand subtitles, watch the remake. But if you want to see the original in its now classic glory, it's the only way to see it. And because of this, we have 2 ratings.

Rating:
1/2 (if you've seen the original)

Rating:
(if you haven't seen the original)

Check out the trailer.

What is the worst apocalypse for humanity? (The Results)

A few months back I posted my Top 10 Worst Apocalypses. My #1 choice of the most horrible apocalypse to inflict humanity was a zombie armageddon. It looks like you all agreed as out of 199 votes, a zombie apocalypse won convincingly with 25% of the vote. Coming in second was Virus (16%) and Nuclear at (14%).

From the looks of it nobody is scared of vampires (cuz they twinkle?) and robots. I was sure robots would be a little higher as I got them at #4 on my list. And nobody is really scared of alien slavemasters either.

I got some interesting comments as well you can check out here. If we run out of oil, you'll be begging for some zombies instead.

Thanks to everybody who voted. New poll will be coming soon!

The 10 Worst Apocalypses

With the Walking Dead just kicking ass on AMC, I was originally going to post a list of things that logically would kinda suck during a zombie apocalypse. One of the main things would be all the freakin flies and maggots that would infest the dead. Shouldn't we see flies buzzing around each zombie? Also, a few weeks into decomposition, its maggot city right?

But I digress.

It's no shock that a zombie apocalypse to me is the king of apocalypses. I mean the dead walking around is pretty much fucked up as you can get. Limited human survivors and a constantly growing army looking to eat your brains guarantees an end to the world. But what other types of apocalypses would suck?

Here is my list. I hope you include your own in the comments. I'm also putting up a poll in the right nav bar so you can vote on which you think is the WORST OF THE APOCALYPSES.

Now head to your fallout shelter ASAP!

10.) Water Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: Think Waterworld. Say because of global warming the ice caps start to melt and we all gotta live on boats. I'm not good with boats and get sea sick pretty easily. Shit, I don't want to grow gills either.

9.) Religious Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: You'd think I'd say it would be God vs the Devil or angels vs demons. But that's not the kind I'm talking about. It would kinda suck if the world collapsed into a collective war over religious ideology. Oh shit you mean that's happening now? Fuck.

8.) Asteroid Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: You know where I'm heading. Yup Armageddon and Deep Impact territory. The impact of the asteroids would eradicate a large population but the fallout would cause us to probably all live underground. We probably wouldn't have Internet either.

7.) Natural Resources Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: On Discovery Channel they once theorized if we ran out of oil all hell would break loose. Wars would breakout all over the world as each country horded gas and oil. We really do need all the stuff we dig out of the Earth and it would be madness if gas cost $100 a gallon.

6.) Vampire Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: I recently read Guillermo Del Toro's The Strain and he really details a widespread pandemic if vampires elected to go all vampy and not be all secretive about their intent. Daybreakers illustrates that we could all be infected pretty fast. A vampire world with consist of no sunlight and an overwhelming thirst for blood. But the superhuman strength would be fuckin awesome.

5.) Virus Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: An airborne virus spreading across the planet is the most frightening and MOST REALISTIC thing that could happen. We've had our scares with Ebola and Mad Cow. Say we get a virus like in Stephen King's The Stand, we'd all be fucked. Quarantine zones, wearing masks and hazmat suits. Say the virus turned us into flesh eating mutants? Who would I get to play XBox Kinect with?

4.) Robotic Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: Skynet goes self aware. Your jacked into the Matrix (which doesn't sound so bad). A war between the machines is gonna suck. When your Wii starts attacking you, all hope is loss.


3.) Nuclear Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: It's The Road and it's depressing as hell. Sure Mad Max may look fun with their dune buggies and Road Warrior shoulder pads but the 100 or so years in the fallout shelter would kinda suck.

2.) Alien Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: We're not alone. But after they destroy all the major cities and start a human genocide you'd hope we would be. A virus from a Mac ain't gonna work dude. Being slaves to an alien race is pretty much the worst case scenario. No way we can beat their technology if they're using fuckin force fields. Plus being destroyed by aliens would be demoralizing as you'd think humanity could do it better ourselves.

1.) Zombie Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: Like I said, a post apocalyptic zombie world would just plain the best worst. Zombie corpses, flies and maggots. All major cities uninhabitable. I mean the walking dead would stink like crazy.

Plus I'm not good with firearms. Maybe I should brush up via Call of Duty.

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Well that's my list. What do you think is the worst of the apocalypses? Go ahead and vote in the poll to the right and if you got your own list, share it below.

And if I flipped the question around, what would be the best apocalypse that you think we'd all be able to survive? I'm thinking vampires (we got daylight!).

Share your thoughts!

Midnight Son (Trailer)

Everybody thinks it would be cool to be a vampire. You live forever, you get to have super strength and possibly even hyptonize hot girls to do your bidding. Sure, there's that sunlight problem, crucifixes are a nuisance and that overwhelming thirst for blood.

Beats being a zombie though right?

From the jaded viewer inbox comes this indie vampire flick entitled Midnight Son. Here be your plot:

MIDNIGHT SON is the story of Jacob, a young man confined to a life of isolation, due to a rare skin disorder that prevents him from being exposed to sunlight. His world opens up when he meets Mary, a local bartender, and falls in love. Tragically, Jacob’s actions become increasingly bizarre as he struggles to cope with the effects of his worsening condition. Forced by the disease to drink human blood for sustenance, he must control his increasingly violent tendencies as local law enforcement narrow their focus on him as a suspect in a series of grisly murders.

The new chic movie thing to do is make realistic supernatural flicks and it looks like Midnight Son strives to make the bloodsucker night creature more believable than ever. With a few vampire flicks already making that claim, we'll have to judge to see if Midnight Son can hold it's own.

Check out the trailer below.

For more info check the linkage:

• Website: http://www.midnightsonmovie.com/
• Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/MidnightSonMovie
• Twitter: http://twitter.com/midnightsonfilm
  

Temptation (Review)

Temptation

Temptation (2009)

Directed by Catherine Taylor

The UK too can churn out its own versions of DHARMA Initiative "GENERIC LESBIAN VAMPIRE FILM". The perfect example is Temptation, which plays out like a bad modern day Anne Rice novel.

All the cliches are here and they follow a Macarena beat down to the super cliched very obvious ending.

If I wanted my fix of a lesbian vampire film, I'd watch anything from Jess Franco. But you've gotta cash in on the vampire craze which is still alive and kickin. True Blood, Let the Right One In, Daybreakers and *gasp* Twilight to keep you tuned into the 24/7 convenience store that is vampire. They should have read my Vampire Rules 101.

At least those all have clever premises. Temptation has hot British chicks with red contact lenses and plastic dollar bin fangs.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Catherine Taylor's seductive and tantalizing vampire tale unleashes an onslaught of bloody killings, sexual excess and vampiric desire set against a lush, colorful London night life of swinging singles and nocturnal predators. Beautiful, young professional Isabel (Caroline Haines) is out on the town with friends. One too many is the least of her problems when she is saved from the clutches of a serial rapist by a centuries-old, ruthless but gorgeous vampire, Aurelie (Rachel Waters) - but at what cost.

Now under Aurelie's spell and with an intensifying taste for blood, Isabel has only 48 hours to decide whether to give in to her lustful and crimson cravings or end it all before it's too late. Temptation brings a fresh and new look to the vampire genre with atmosphere, sensuality and filmmaking bravado.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

No extensive review here. Let's just list vampire cliches ok?

• Our protagonist? Semi hot British blonde
  
• Let's begin the movie at the end...then have a finale where we began the movie!
• Cabbie on passenger rape violence
• A French vampire with fiery red hair
• Rapid fire music video edits and cuts
• Flashbacks to things we just saw 2 minutes ago!
• Vampire suckage
• Dreams of the vamp who made you in 80s music video fade montages
• Hmmm I can't seem to eat regular food and the sunlight hurts me...it must be that time of the month
• Gratuitous black and white cop investigation
• The douchebag boyfriend that becomes the first meal
• Nightclubs with burlesque and over elaborate dance numbers
• Hot, sexy vampire vixens making meals of the clientele
• Flashback to 1700s vampire origins
• More flashbacks to things we saw 1 minute ago!
• More lesbian vampire nekkidness and kissing
• Why is it nobody believes in vampires in vampire movies?
• The old debate: should I be a vampire or get a spontaneous combustion tan?
• Let's kill the vamp that sired me because I'm a "good vampire with a heart"
• Look who's a vampire too supposed twist ending!

Temptation is generic as they come in this super duper sub sub sub genre of vampire films. I really can't get into the same old story.

I love the sub genre of vampire films but if you don't do anything different, you FAIL. This story has been done to death and either you twist the Bram Stoker's vamps into something creative or you make a zombie film.

On second thought, please don't.

Gore-ipedia

Sliced throats
Blood oozage
Knife trauma
Neck trauma

Nude-ipedia

Various quick cuts of boobies but none from our vampyro lesbos

WTF moment

Those flashbacks of things we saw 6 seconds ago

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you want to get your vampyro lesbos on, Temptation is your quick fix. It's now on DVD via Vicious Circle Films from Breaking Glass Pictures. What can I say? This is a movie that I didn't want to sink my teeth into. (classic cliche pun...thank you thank you)

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.