The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2011

It's that time of year again where I go through all the crappy and mediocre movies I've seen and give you my best witty jabs from each review. Everybody has their worst of 2011 lists. But as I try to AVOID bad films, sometimes I'm lucky enough to not have seen any of the garbage. But when I really hate a film, I'll admit, it turns into awesome funny reviews.

So enjoy some quote snippets from the crap chunks of movies I saw that made me smash a few walls with my head....yet again,

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"The Anniversary at Shallow Creek is full of countless cliches, ranging from 1st person camera creeping in shots to loud BA BOOM! sounds to get you to jump. It didn't have a mirror scare but get this, no cell coverage is replaced with the fact they couldn't even find their cell phones!"

-from The Anniversary at Shallow Creek review

"Bloodrayne: The Third Reich is the equivalent of seeing a monkey throw its own feces at a tiger. It's kinda goofy and totally outrageous. You're hoping to see the tiger just rip the monkey to shreds. But all we get is more feces thrown all over the place. Yup...there's shit all over the place."

-from Bloodrayne: The Third Reich review

"The ending is completely out of leftfield. Hell I think it's out of the 20 yard line. Come to think of it, I had no idea what sport I was watching. The movie spun out of control and ended up being one long scene of boring."

-from Bleading Lady review

"Closed for a Season is a 2 hour (!) pseudo horror film that potentially could have been a scary flick with an abandoned amusement park as it's backdrop but they didn't put in a ride for the audience to scare us at all. And the purpose of the awesome rides like roller coasters is to get a fright and thrill for 2 minutes. That's a helluva rush. Instead we get a ferris wheel (which is our maxed out conclusion, how appropriate) and the viewer has ridden a ride of a film that did absolutely nothing.....That's just freakin boring."

-from Closed for a Season review

"The fact that I could watch YouTube FAIL videos while I watched this flick shows how long these boring scenes were. I'll admit, I've got American ADD and it's not my style to watch long drawn out scenes that set up a BOOO! scare. But even the scares were like flat soda."

-from The Coffin review

It’s Hodder, Hodder
Gotta get down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin
Hodder, Hodder
Gettin’ down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin

-from Exit 33 review (where I use Rebecca Black's Friday to create a parody lyrical review of this film, click on the link to read all the lyrics)

"OK I've watched a few women scorn movies but I'm no expert. I tend to use logic like an alpha male and start asking pesky questions. Call the police? Why wasn't this an option? I've seen my share of Law and Order: SVU and clearly the police can arrest somebody and convict them in an hour."

-from Fatal Secrets review

"If you think watching this film is the equivalent of reading Mary Shelly's book, you'd be wrong. Very wrong."

from The Frankenstein Syndrome review

"Fright Flick is campy and corny and jokey...like Jokey Smurf. Sure the explosion in a gift gag is funny the first 3 times but after a while you want Gargamel to eat that motherfucker. We carefully encounter a reveal which can be easily figured out using your standard Sherlock Holmes detective manual."

-from Fright Flick review

"Wolf dude tells TB about his life and he is lonely. Score! TB falls for it and they get into the lovemaking. It's a love scene but Tori Black makes it seem like she's on the 5th hour of a gangbang orgy."

-from Half Moon review (starring pornstar Tori Black and also where I count how many times the movie shows either boobs, the moon or a werewolf)

"The Human Centipede 2 is a competitive horror viewing contest. The original was easy to stomach, participants easily digested everything they took in. But HC2 is seeing a dude eat beyond his capacity and then vomit it all up. Do you really want to see that shit?"

-from The Human Centipede 2 review

"Black and white might've been an attempt at art. This shit ain't art. This shit is shit."

-from Insano Steve's The Human Centipede 2 review

"What's left is a indie movie that's ambitiously slick for it's own good. I can buy that there are redneck sections of Canada, but government conspiracies and a town hiding one of helluva secret is a bit much. Director Brooks Hunter via the press release says the movie reflects his bipolar disorder and there are metaphors throughout. Clearly if I knew this I'd have probably seen a broken glass of milk as something other than a broken glass of milk. Sorry, I'm not that clever."

-from Kenneyville review

"The film itself is a miragy mix of Harmony Korine's early stuff and it's just plain boring. Add in the visual nausea and the meanderings of dialogue (and bad acting) it's a milkshake of nonsense."

-from My Name is A by Anonymous review

"The dialogue is clever but the actors don't seem to have the comedic timing I was hoping for. Sure you'll get a chuckle on a few one liners but mostly it's a rushed indie blockbuster film with lots of ambition. The movie was made in some dude's house (maybe without their knowledge!) and their isn't a lick of gratuitous nudity (well somebody was gonna ask)"

-from Ninjas vs Vampires review

"All in all, The Poughkeepsie Tapes is Dowdle's grand attempt to cash in on the mockumentary and found footage craze at the same time. I think if I had seen this in 2008 I would have called it "revolutionary" and "creepy scary". But in 2011, I'll say it is revolutionary and creepy scary but I'll add in one more thing. "Cheaply dated"."

from The Poughkeepsie Tapes review

5.) I've tasted human blood and it kinda tastes like purple drink. Why can't these creatures just buy some purple drink from the local 99 cents store instead of murdering innocent mall shopping teens?

I like purple drink too. Next thing you know purple drink gonna be sold at Hot Topic and mass marketed to suburban kids everywhere. Gone will be the days where people enjoyed the novelty of purple drink as a cheap, watered down grape tasting beverage. What was your question again?

-from Prowl review

"The thing about a film that tries too hard, is well it tries too hard. Respire treads on so many horror genres, it felt like like a movie montage."

-from Respire review

"I knew from the moment I first saw the trailer for “The Roommate”, that it was a must-see movie (not necessarily a must-pay-to-see). As a bad movie connoisseur, I was pleased when this film received less than 10% positive reviews. Comically bad acting and incoherent plots are what I’m all about.....The Roommate definitely delivered the bad movie I was hoping for."

-from Insano Steve's The Roommate review

"Savage makes a SyFy original movie look like a Hollywood blockbuster. It's not only that the characters are boring, the plot is laughable or Bigfoot is clearly taking HGH. It's that the movie is filled with scenes of people talking about a plot and subplots I didn't care about. I believe it was something about some forest fire, shady real estate deals, an armed robbery and a pregnant woman......All I cared about was seeing a vicious Bigfoot killing and eating campers. And even that sucked."

-from Savage review

"We've all seen mice experiments before and you know eventually it'll get to the cheesy middle. It's how the maze is conceived is what makes it exciting. And Shellter has an interesting way to get there but your going to go on a lot of dead ends before you get there."

-from Shellter review

"I don't get it....Every other reviewer seems to think this was a creative and unique take on the old Romanian legend that spawned the vampire. Maybe I have ADD and can't stand long, boring scenes of nothing. Maybe I don't get the humor in this. Maybe I don't understand why Romanians speak English. Maybe I don't get the fact the film is goofing around with a generational gap.....Maybe I just don't get this flick. "

-from Strigoi review

"It's the gore and splatter that drives Sweatshop, make no doubt about it. It's not reinventing the slasher genre but it's making sure the definition is being 100% adhered to."

-from Sweatshop review

"The entire film COULD and I stress could have been awesome. A horror comedy that relaxes the viewer, a ghost story that gets them edgy and a creature feature that gives you the sexual willies. But the first 2 never really got into the final story and by the end, you're not expecting much. Slices of Life is an unfired firework, ready to explode but nobody lit the fuse. Instead we're given sparklers and told "Have a good time kids!"."

-from 3 Slices of Life review

"I'm also a big Jamie Chung fan. I have no idea who Abbie Cornish is. And I have indeed seen Vanessa Hudgens naked."

"So the "dances" are actually the action scenes. Clearly OLD ME understands this film concept but TWEEN ME can't get enough of seeing Emily Browning do backflips and Jena Malone shooting a gun that weighs more than her."

-from Sucker Punch WTF List review

"I mean at times this movie got boring...I could only imagine what real ballet is like."

"This is like when Hogan went from the yellow and red to the black and white."

"Mila's been busted open!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!"

-from Black Swan WTF List review

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Also check out my previous year editions of The Best Quotey Quotables!

• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2010

• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2009

What's your worst horror movie of 2011? Got any quotey quotables you want to add from some not so good movies this year? Comment away!

The Roommate (Review)

The Roommate

The Roommate (2011)

Directed by Christian E. Christiansen

[this review brought to you by Insano Steve, who got a 4.0 after his freshman year roommate went mental]

I knew from the moment I first saw the trailer for “The Roommate”, that it was a must-see movie (not necessarily a must-pay-to-see). As a bad movie connoisseur, I was pleased when this film received less than 10% positive reviews. Comically bad acting and incoherent plots are what I’m all about.

The Roommate definitely delivered the bad movie I was hoping for.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

College student Sara finds that her new roommate Rebecca has an obsession with her, which quickly turns violent.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Plot: SPOILER: If you’ve seen the 1992 film, “Single White Female”, then you already know all the spoilers for this movie. The Roommate is essentially a remake. The setting this time moving from uppity NYC to the University of Los Angeles (good ole ULA!) Almost everything else is verbatim. SWF has the better acting. The Roommate has the better overacting.

And a more attractive cast.

Acting: The regular girl is played by Minka Kelly who is smoking hot, but not that much of an actress. She can play beautiful and horrified very well. Not sure if she can handle much more than that. Kelly is the real-life girlfriend of New York Yankee/son of a bitch, Derek Jeter.

The psycho girl is played by Leighton Meester. Though not as pretty as Kelly, she is obviously the better actress. She provides some decent chills in the movie, especially when she starts beating herself up (with a boxcutter!).

The other notable character is Minka Kelly’s boyfriend in the film, Stephen, who plays the douchebag fratboy with the heart of gold. His character spends the entire movie squinting for some reason.

Gore: Well, this was a PG-13 movie, so nothing could be genuinely be considered gore. But there were some notable scenes such as:

1. Belly button trauma
2. Mid-coitus homicide
3. Hyperthermic feline-icide
   

T&A: Very sad to report that there was none. Unfortunately, this is the price to pay for having semi-famous actresses. There are mild simulated sex scenes, and some gratuitous lesbian experimentation. But certainly nothing titillating. But, I have to give kudos for the random cinematography!

The WTF Moment:

“You Were Never My Friend”

My favorite scene in the film, was one of those obsession-movie clichés. While Kelly and Meester are at a coffee shop, they encounter a girl that Meester had terrorized previously.

A very bizarre conversation ensues. It’s always an awkward moment to meet up with an old friend who had tried to psychologically destroy you in high school.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you like bad movies, the Roommate will not let you down. Go in with the lowest expectations and you will be pleasantly surprised. You can forget what those 50 year old dinosaur movie critics say (hey Rex Reed, do the world a favor and kill yourself).

In a sold out movie theater filled with audience participation, the Roommate is a fun-filled 90 minutes!

The Vitals

• The official site
• Facebook Page
• The Roommate: What the generic still photos actually tell us
  

Rating:


(because it was so bad its good logic)

Check out the trailer.

The Roommate: What the generic still photos actually tell us

There is a little subtext in the marketing campaign for The Roommate. Oh you didn't know? Well I'm a decoding master blaster and I'm going to break this subliminal marketing wide fuckin open. By now you've probably seen the trailer. You know it stars Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly. Seems Ms. Meester is on some fancy schmancy show on the CW....Gossip something. Minka Kelly however I DO know. As Mrs. Derek Jeter, she's like baseball wife #1.

Sure its a blatant ripoff of the vintage 90s Single White Female, but could this film be hiding something more?

Let's start off with the tagline:

"2,000 colleges. 8 million roommates. Which one will you get?"

the jaded viewer says: This statement is purely racist. What? Can't see it? What they're actually saying is if you don't get someone that doesn't look like you, they are completely fuckin crazy. Man your screwed if you get a brotha from South Central or a Latina from the Bronx. Thanks Hollywood for the advice.

Now on to GENERIC STILL PHOTO #1

the jaded viewer says: See our crazy white girl is Rebecca and she goes off our medication. What this is really saying is all white people have to be fearful of getting addicted to meth. Because the movie is saying if you start becoming a meth addict you can go from fun loving, beautiful normal white girl to a obsessive compulsive angry insane meth tweaker.

GENERIC STILL PHOTO #2

the jaded viewer says: Now where does the path of a meth addict lead to? Lesbianism of course. Seriously Hollywood? Your not so subtle subtext isn't so subtle. See college is a breeding ground for girl on girl action. Women meth addicts: all lesbians according to a recent poll.

GENERIC STILL PHOTO #3

the jaded viewer says: So where do meth heads get their fix? The streets of course. Remember when white people go to the projects, it's just to score some drugs. Of course this is a momentous occasion which one has to take a photo of. As a meth whore, it's Rebecca's duty to get her new roommate addicted as well. Who wants to get fucked up alone right? I mean look at that graffiti. It screams "we're in the fucked up dangerous part of town, there might be gangstas here".

GENERIC STILL PHOTO #4

the jaded viewer says: Look at that product placement. VAIO. Damn you Sony. The Roommate is going to be filled with more product placements than a Michael Bay film. Just you watch it. From Mountain Dew to KFC to American made cars, you'll be bombarded by 18-34 year old teen targeted ads. Sure this is all normal to you all because you can't even filter through the static. But after you see The Roommate, you're going to head to a Chilis because Rebecca and Sara went to a Chilis. Their in your head!

MOVIE TRAILER STILL PHOTO #5

the jaded viewer says: OK this isn't a production still but a shot from the trailer. Of course you can't use the privacy breaking, biggest social media network by name. So you make your own! Frienderz! Oh how I love fake websites in movies.

But of course this is slickly intertwined to get you to Facebook a little more. Open up your "likes" to the world. To slowly get you into the habit of divulging more info out into the Internet. Because if Facebook asked you, I think you'd post your social security number and mother's maiden name in your status right?

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Well now you're prepared to see the hidden meaning in The Roommate. What else can you "see" from the trailer? You tell me. Check it out below and let me know if you figure out what's the what behind the hot girls, glitzy lights, popular soundtrack and generic quick editing.




Also, The Roommate has got an interesting college marketing plan as they've been posting flyers with this phone number on it:

1-866-666-6001.

Seriously, call it up. It's kinda hilarious.