[this review brought to you by Insano Steve, who got a 4.0 after his freshman year roommate went mental]
I knew from the moment I first saw the trailer for “The Roommate”, that it was a must-see movie (not necessarily a must-pay-to-see). As a bad movie connoisseur, I was pleased when this film received less than 10% positive reviews. Comically bad acting and incoherent plots are what I’m all about.
The Roommate definitely delivered the bad movie I was hoping for.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
College student Sara finds that her new roommate Rebecca has an obsession with her, which quickly turns violent.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Plot: SPOILER: If you’ve seen the 1992 film, “Single White Female”, then you already know all the spoilers for this movie. The Roommate is essentially a remake. The setting this time moving from uppity NYC to the University of Los Angeles (good ole ULA!) Almost everything else is verbatim. SWF has the better acting. The Roommate has the better overacting.
And a more attractive cast.
Acting: The regular girl is played by Minka Kelly who is smoking hot, but not that much of an actress. She can play beautiful and horrified very well. Not sure if she can handle much more than that. Kelly is the real-life girlfriend of New York Yankee/son of a bitch, Derek Jeter.
The psycho girl is played by Leighton Meester. Though not as pretty as Kelly, she is obviously the better actress. She provides some decent chills in the movie, especially when she starts beating herself up (with a boxcutter!).
The other notable character is Minka Kelly’s boyfriend in the film, Stephen, who plays the douchebag fratboy with the heart of gold. His character spends the entire movie squinting for some reason.
Gore: Well, this was a PG-13 movie, so nothing could be genuinely be considered gore. But there were some notable scenes such as:
Belly button trauma
Mid-coitus homicide
Hyperthermic feline-icide
T&A: Very sad to report that there was none. Unfortunately, this is the price to pay for having semi-famous actresses. There are mild simulated sex scenes, and some gratuitous lesbian experimentation. But certainly nothing titillating. But, I have to give kudos for the random cinematography!
The WTF Moment:
“You Were Never My Friend”
My favorite scene in the film, was one of those obsession-movie clichés. While Kelly and Meester are at a coffee shop, they encounter a girl that Meester had terrorized previously.
A very bizarre conversation ensues. It’s always an awkward moment to meet up with an old friend who had tried to psychologically destroy you in high school.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
If you like bad movies, the Roommate will not let you down. Go in with the lowest expectations and you will be pleasantly surprised. You can forget what those 50 year old dinosaur movie critics say (hey Rex Reed, do the world a favor and kill yourself).
In a sold out movie theater filled with audience participation, the Roommate is a fun-filled 90 minutes!
There is a little subtext in the marketing campaign for The Roommate. Oh you didn't know? Well I'm a decoding master blaster and I'm going to break this subliminal marketing wide fuckin open. By now you've probably seen the trailer. You know it stars Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly. Seems Ms. Meester is on some fancy schmancy show on the CW....Gossip something. Minka Kelly however I DO know. As Mrs. Derek Jeter, she's like baseball wife #1.
Sure its a blatant ripoff of the vintage 90s Single White Female, but could this film be hiding something more?
Let's start off with the tagline:
"2,000 colleges. 8 million roommates. Which one will you get?"
the jaded viewer says: This statement is purely racist. What? Can't see it? What they're actually saying is if you don't get someone that doesn't look like you, they are completely fuckin crazy. Man your screwed if you get a brotha from South Central or a Latina from the Bronx. Thanks Hollywood for the advice.
Now on to GENERIC STILL PHOTO #1
the jaded viewer says: See our crazy white girl is Rebecca and she goes off our medication. What this is really saying is all white people have to be fearful of getting addicted to meth. Because the movie is saying if you start becoming a meth addict you can go from fun loving, beautiful normal white girl to a obsessive compulsive angry insane meth tweaker.
GENERIC STILL PHOTO #2
the jaded viewer says: Now where does the path of a meth addict lead to? Lesbianism of course. Seriously Hollywood? Your not so subtle subtext isn't so subtle. See college is a breeding ground for girl on girl action. Women meth addicts: all lesbians according to a recent poll.
GENERIC STILL PHOTO #3
the jaded viewer says: So where do meth heads get their fix? The streets of course. Remember when white people go to the projects, it's just to score some drugs. Of course this is a momentous occasion which one has to take a photo of. As a meth whore, it's Rebecca's duty to get her new roommate addicted as well. Who wants to get fucked up alone right? I mean look at that graffiti. It screams "we're in the fucked up dangerous part of town, there might be gangstas here".
GENERIC STILL PHOTO #4
the jaded viewer says: Look at that product placement. VAIO. Damn you Sony. The Roommate is going to be filled with more product placements than a Michael Bay film. Just you watch it. From Mountain Dew to KFC to American made cars, you'll be bombarded by 18-34 year old teen targeted ads. Sure this is all normal to you all because you can't even filter through the static. But after you see The Roommate, you're going to head to a Chilis because Rebecca and Sara went to a Chilis. Their in your head!
MOVIE TRAILER STILL PHOTO #5
the jaded viewer says: OK this isn't a production still but a shot from the trailer. Of course you can't use the privacy breaking, biggest social media network by name. So you make your own! Frienderz! Oh how I love fake websites in movies.
But of course this is slickly intertwined to get you to Facebook a little more. Open up your "likes" to the world. To slowly get you into the habit of divulging more info out into the Internet. Because if Facebook asked you, I think you'd post your social security number and mother's maiden name in your status right?
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Well now you're prepared to see the hidden meaning in The Roommate. What else can you "see" from the trailer? You tell me. Check it out below and let me know if you figure out what's the what behind the hot girls, glitzy lights, popular soundtrack and generic quick editing.
Also, The Roommate has got an interesting college marketing plan as they've been posting flyers with this phone number on it:
[this review is brought to you by Insano Steve who is back from the dead. Check out his other reviews and features in the right hand nav bar]
So, the jaded viewer asked me to review some movies for the site. Movies that he felt were so irredeemably bad, he could not physically review himself, citing fear for his health. Seeing that I'm pretty much the trash-TV expert, I figured I'd choose to do 'Killer Movie' because of it's reality show theme. And I was also looking to see something different than the usual horror crap. I'd say my tolerance for horror is pretty thin these days. You could say my viewing has become rather jaded (hey, see what I did there ...)
OK, the real reason I wanted to see this was:
It was on blu-ray, and I haven't watched any horror on the blu-ray yet.
The presence of hot-ass Leighton Meester (of Gossip Girl fame) in the film.
Let us delve into these items individually....
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A reality TV director copes with a spoiled celebutante and a show gone haywire when a masked killer starts bumping off the crew in this slasher-movie satire.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Blu-Ray: What can I say? blu-ray is the shit. It's freaking awesome. As Ferris Bueller would say, if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. You really get your money's worth for your HDTV with these blu-ray movies. Now, it doesn't make the plot/acting any better mind you. But you can actually see the pores in the girl's faces when they close up! For older women, Damn, blu-ray's your worst nightmare. So, no complaints for visual quality here. Top notch.
The lovely hot-ass Leighton Meester: I've never actually watched the Gossip Girl (I guess because I'm neither 15 years old, nor female), but I've been made aware of the hotness of Leighton Meester through the interwebs. So, it was nice to actually see her 'work' (without having to hate myself later). Well, suffice it to say, her appearance is very brief, despite her name getting top billing on the blu-ray cover art. Damn you false advertising! The lovely Miss Meester is only in 2 scenes, with 1 scene just having her screaming and dying. For the first time ever, I was actually rooting for the victim. Don't kill her, she's too cute to die! Sigh. Anyhow, she is super hot. She actually looks a lot like Minka Kelly (before Derek Jeter ruined her). Hopefully she will be featured more prominently in future projects which will allow us to see more of her 'talent'
Ugh. So 10 minutes into the movie and the hot girl I'm watching the movie for is dead. Shit. What to do? I heroically pressed on and watched the other 70 minutes. The plot you say? Oh yeah, probably should have gotten to that by now. The story is about this Zack Morris-looking guy who is directing a reality show in North Dakota about a small town high school hockey team. It turns out though, as filming starts, a bunch of people in town start turning up dead (like the hot-ass Leighton Meester). The lesbian super-bitch producer decides to run with the murder angle instead of the hockey bullshit (practical decision). The subplot involves a diva actress, named Blanca Champion (played by the not quite hot Kaley Cuoco), following Zach Morris around, in an attempt to learn about directing. Predictably, Blanca ends up hating the small town and being a bitch to everyone. Yes, her name is Blanca Champion.
The crew, which somehow ends up being like 10 people, all start dying off (duh!?!?). So who did it? Do you really care? Fuck does it matter? Everybody's potentially the killer! Ooooh, the suspense! Like all horror movies like this, whoever ends up dying isn't the killer, so theoretically, the suspense should increase as we approach the awesome reveal at the end. Alas, you can probably guess who did it, if you actually gave it some thought while watching (which I didn't).
Strangely enough, there were no black characters in this. Yup, all-white cast mother fucker! That's pretty shocking in a horror movie of this ilk. No rapper turned actors here. Actually, I found it kinda refreshing. Less cliches is always a good thing. And that's coming from me. You know I love me some black movies.
Now so far, this review looks like I hated it, and from looking at IMDB, almost everybody else did. Well, the title, 'Killer Movie' is terrible. But actually, overall, this shit wasn't THAT BAD. The reason for that was, the movie never took itself seriously. The characters are all pretty self-aware. Now I know self-aware movies are all the rage and by now have become pretty played out. But here, the characters do it without appearing snarky, which I personally appreciate. We don't need a generation of Junos. This movie was short, fun, and almost completely forgettable. Aint nothing wrong with that. The ending though, is so mind-numbing stupid, it's almost offensive. However, I can probably forgive that. It's not like we're gonna see a 'Killer Movie 2' (or at least I hope not).
Alright, on to the important stuff. Gore aka (Gore-ipedia): OK, well, the visual quality, as I said before was top notch, but unfortunately, that didn't really translate to the kill scenes. This flick was filmed in 21 days, so maybe there was no time for a good gore effects guy? Too bad. What we did have was: the hot-ass Meester gets decapitated by barbed wire (awful special effect there), some girl gets table sawed, lesbian gets hung by a chain, meat clever to some guy's chest, slacker gets arm severed (laughably bad effect), other lesbian gets garden shear-ed, and some poor bastard gets his throat slit pretty good. The slasher character is lame. He wears a hoody and a Jabberwocky mask. And he runs (frequently). Ho-hum stuff mostly in this department.
T&A aka (Nude-ipedia): God damn it. Alright, so I had come to accept that the lovely Leighton Meester wouldn't get naked. But nothing? At all? Seriously? The closest we get is some bra and panties in a simulated lesbian sex scene (it sounds a lot better than it was, very PG13). The next closest we get is Leighton Meester riding an ATV (and my overactive imagination). Overall, it wasn't a great cast in terms of 'hot girls I'd appreciate seeing naked' anyway, so maybe no huge loss. But in a shit horror movie like this, you'd still hope for at least one 'strong sexual content'. I was really looking forward to seeing some spectacular blu-ray tits. I guess that will have to wait to when I review some blu-ray pornography. Of course, that will be sure to happen when jadedviewer.com switches over from horror to a harcore-XXX review format later in the year. WTF moment: One funny ass moment that I'm sure the director was in on when they wrote it. Zack Morris-looking guy is looking for the killer in the woods (kudos for proactively trying to attack the slasher, good shit). So, Zack accidentally steps into a bear trap! His reaction? He grimaces. He acknowledges the pain. But no biggie. Mind you, he just stepped in a fucking BEAR TRAP! Instead of a massive compound fracture, he experiences some mild discomfort. Later, he is freed (off-camera), and looks just fine, thank you. Small stain on his jeans, a slight limp (like if your leg fell asleep). A BEAR TRAP! Good times. They make a great self-referential joke about it during the 'crazy credits'.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
So, in closing, Killer Movie, was for the most part, just another generic horror movie. However, for some reason, I found myself strangely enjoying it. Maybe it was the super low expectations. Or maybe, it was the 5 minutes of the lovely Meester. Or maybe, the fact that I actually found myself liking most of the characters (very rare occurrence in slashers). Whatever it was, it's the best horror movie I've seen in 2010! So, if you can get your hands on this movie for free, or via download, or if you just got $10.99 burning a hole in your pocket. Or if you have a hunger, that only a faux reality show horror comedy can satiate, then, damn it, go see Killer Movie. You could do a lot worse, ....
The Roommate
Acting: The regular girl is played by Minka Kelly who is smoking hot, but not that much of an actress. She can play beautiful and horrified very well. Not sure if she can handle much more than that. Kelly is the real-life girlfriend of New York Yankee/son of a bitch, Derek Jeter.
The WTF Moment:
