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20100629

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Extraction (In Development Trailer)

The picture above has warranted some serious urban legend status. Americana hadn't really seen a camel spider and were of course freaked when this circulated on the interwebs. Stories were rampant. Mutant spiders attacking our soldiers?!? Holy fuckin arachnid! So you'd figure somebody would go ahead and create a horror movie by now based on this which is when I stumbled upon this doozy of a trailer from IDX Studios. It's a little SyFy original but it's pretty cheesy fun. Vitals are below.

IDX Studios production of a teaser of Extraction directed by Tom Martwick. Produced by Milko Davis and Russell Reed. Music & Sound by Alvaro Morello.

"EXTRACTION" is a movie project in development. The story is about a platoon of soldiers that become hosts to a new enemy. In an already unstable region, they must battle against a muted species of camel spiders and prevent a sinister military cover-up that could backfire.

I thought the trailer was silly though but I gotta admit, I'd watch this if it was a full length movie. But for now, its like a 3 minute short and it's gorey fun.

Check out the trailer below!



20100628

0

Rec 2 (Review)

Rec 2

Rec 2 (2009)

Directed by Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza

I've admitted countless times I hate POV horror movies. Diary of the Dead and Cloverfield were pieces of crap in my opinion. But recently, I've been seeing some cinema verite/1st person POV horror that's been solid.

Evil Things ended up #18 on my Top 20 Horror Movies of 2009. I gave the original Rec (review here) 2 spinkicks. It was scary as hell but just dizzying and generic zombie sorta stuff. There were good moments and I wrote:

"The 1st 20 or so minutes sets up the chaos to come. The 2nd 30 is so minutes is everybody trying to find out what the fuck is going on and the final 20 is a survival horror at its best."

So going into Rec 2, I knew the SWAT team was going to get involved, we were going to get some possessed zombie kills and I was gonna get nauseous again. Cue the Dramamine.

Rec 2 is a superior movie to the original. It's amped up the infected, brought in the heavy weaponry via SWAT officers and thrown in some crazy Spanish hipsters who get exactly what they deserve. What you end up with is a sequel that twists and turns you on every scene and makes you big gulp in complete darkness.

After the flick ended, I tweeted...Wow just wow. That says it all.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The highly anticipated sequel to one of the scariest films of all time, [REC] 2 picks up 15 minutes from where we left off, taking us back into the quarantined apartment building where a terrifying virus has run rampant, turning the occupants into mindlessly violent, raging beasts.

A heavily armed SWAT team and a mysterious government official are sent in to assess and attempt to neutralize the situation. What they find inside lies beyond the scope of medical science—a demonic nightmare of biblical proportions more terrifying than they could have possibly imagined. Above all it must be contained, before it escapes to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting world outside.


Awesome Review-O-Matic

As I always do, let's start off with what the formula for shot on video, POV horror films.

1.) The camera "person" films everything
2.) His friends become part of the video
3.) Something sinister starts to scare them
4.) The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

1.) The camera "person" films everything

Continuing right after Rec, SWAT is called to our quarantined building. Their orders are to take a "medical" official to the building and see what's what. So who films everything? In Rec 2, Rosso a SWAT team officer is told to film so as to document what's going on. Soon our SWAT team are going up all the same places we saw our tenants did in the original.

Plot is explained as we find out whats up with these zombies. Seems our med guy is a priest and we've got a Vatican conspiracy, demon infection and the Medeiros girl being Agent 0. You know its the rehashed plot from part 1. Soon our crew is being attacked but they fire back with machine gun kellys and are chased throughout the building.

My gripe with these POV movies has always been the guy holding the camera never does shit. But as Rosso is told to do this and actually does things to help, it seems natural. In addition we've got SWAT cam as the cops have head cams on their helmets. This was actually a clever camera gimmick as it gave us a different POV instead of the one camera shot.

2.) His friends become part of the video

Our SWAT team shows true emotion. Their mission compromised, all they want to do is get the fuck out. It's high anxiety and it feels real. Most of the characters feel pseudo real in Rec 2. From the cops to the priest to the Spanish hipsters and fireman guy....wait what the hell did I just say?

Yup, seems Plaza and Balagueró saw Diary and Cloverfield and added in some camera happy kids as well. They end up in the apartment building leading to yet ANOTHER different POV as they are filming everything too. I sighed when they started these scenes as I didn't want to see annoying kids doing stupid things. But shit hits the fan and the 2 groups meet leading our kids to get what they deserve for being so fuckin annoying.

3.) Something sinister starts to scare them

Lots of the POV shots are nicely done. With the SWAT, we get our Silent Hill meets Call of Duty MW2 shoot em up perspective. It's clever and I did get a little jumpy at some scenes including one in an air duct and another in a hallway. You never know when a possessed demon kid is crawling upside down will come at ya.

The hipster kids and a fireman looking for his buddies from Part 1 get in the act as they too are attacked. The shots are designed for maximum WTF and they accomplish it with some long extensive panning shots.

Most of these scenes work, as they did in the original. However, this time we get some maximus goreificus leading to a Gore-ipedia that includes shotgun blast to the head, ripped necks and POV blood and guts.

4.) The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

I didn't like originals ending and Rec 2's ending is pretty predictable. But it isn't without some WTF. Night vision comes into play and we seeing our demon girl in the flesh. Back is our intrepid reporter Angela who joins our remaining survivors to stop this demon infection from spreading.

There is "the final shot" in Rec 2 and it's quite a whopper earning it full WTF Moment credit. It's pretty intense and makes it feel all closed looped in a sense in our Rec series.

I gotta say, the Rec movies are the best this POV genre has to offer. They are solid flicks and use the POV gimmick very well. Rec 2 does jack up the scares, the claustrophobia and the tension. Out of all the the POV movies I've seen, Rec 2 is so far the best of the rest.

Coming from me, that's a high compliment.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Thank Barcelona the directors of the original made the sequel. They didn't miss a beat at made sure their vision was in the sequel. At times it reminded me of Demons, Demons 2 and Iglesia's Day of the Beast.

Rec 2 comes out July 9th in limited release. For now, it's the best sequel in this genre, well until possibly Paranormal Activity 2 comes out.

Check out the official site and the Facebook page for more info.

FYI. I still haven't seen the American remake Quarantine yet. I don't plan to.

Rating:

Check out the trailer below.



20100624

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Die a Violent Death (2010)

Sinopse:
Ele é naquele estilo que virou moda, várias histórias diferentes no mesmo filme, e claro que todas as histórias interligadas...
muitos cabelões, Teke Tekes, e tudo mais...umas histórias são boas e outras medianas...
e claro que tem aquela estória mais comédia...
- "Flame" é sobre um rapaz que, após a morte da namorada, começa a lembrar-se do que realmente teria acontecido na noite de sua morte.
- "Imprison" é sobre um jovem que é encarcerado numa delegacia e cuja cela em frente a sua ele acredita ser mal assombrada.
- "Revenge" aborda aquela clássica historia do cadáver escondido no edifício que começa a aterrorizar a todos.
- "Haunting Motel" é sobre dois jovens que levam uma garota de programa para um quarto de motel mal assombrado

Trailer:


Dados do Filme:
Título Original: Tai Hong
Gênero: Horror
Lançamento: 2010
País de Origem: Tailândia
Duração: 100 min
Direção: Poj Arnon, Chatchai Katenut, Thanwarin Sukhaphisit, MarussaVorasingha

Elenco:
Mai Charoenpura...Phii Dao( segment "Haunting Motel" )
Akara Amarttayakul...Arm( segment "Flame" )
Supakson Chaimongkol...Nuan( segment "Revenge" )
TAE ...Gong( segment "Imprison" )
Uttaporn Teemakorn...Niranam( segment "Imprison" )
Wiradit Srimalai...Puu( segment "Revenge" )
Pimolrat Pisolyabutr...Pang( segment "Flame" )
Kachapa Toncharoen...Phii Naknaen( segment "Haunting Motel" )
Vasana Chalakorn...Crazy Hotel Lady( segment "Haunting Motel" )
Ratchanont Sukpragawp...Thua( segment "Haunting Motel" )
Arisara Thongborisut...Jawys( segment "Revenge" )

Dados do Arquivo:
Servidores: Jumbofiles
Tamanho: 922 MB.
Formato do arquivo: Rar
Formato do Video: Avi
Idioma do Audio: Tailandês
Legenda: Português
Codec do video: XviD
Codec do audio: MP3
Resolução: 512 x 288
Taxa de frames: 23.976
Qualidade do Vídeo: DvdRip

Links dos Arquivos:
LinkParte única já legendado - Aqui

Se quiser saber mais sobre os filmes de terror asiáticos e encontrar aquele filme tanto desejado nos visite no orkut “Japanese Horror Films”
Valewwwwwwwww
† Mortaiter's †
***d-.-b***
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Charts and Graphs make funnies

Magically deliciously tasty as you can see from the chart above. GraphJam.com, part of the Cheezburger network is hilarious. They are the community responsible for FAIL blog and Failbooking. Their user generated graphs are pretty LOL and perusing the non horror ones, you get into that Powerpoint sense of humor.

So I've compiled the best horror graphs and charts from GraphJam.com below. Enjoy!


song chart memes
see more Funny Graphs

song chart memes
see more Funny Graphs

funny graphs and charts
see more Funny Graphs

song chart memes
see more Funny Graphs

funny graphs and charts
see more Funny Graphs

funny graphs and charts
see more Funny Graphs

funny graphs and charts
see more Funny Graphs

funny graphs and charts
see more Funny Graphs

20100623

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10 things that would lead to a jaded viewer apocalypse

If you carefully read my reviews or features or whatever, I've come up with an inside joke or a running gag about the site. If somehow I ever got a quote from one of my REVIEWS on a DVD cover, I would immediately end the site.

So far this has not happened as of yet. The probability of this happening I think is around 30%. Not too good because A.) most of my reviews have profanity and B.) I really doubt I have any good quotes a company or filmmaker could use.

I'd like to point out I've come close. My quote appears on the DVD cover of Incest Death Squad. But the loophole here is that the quote is from my review of THE TRAILER and not the review. I also had a quote of mine in the trailer for Dead Hooker in a Trunk. Alas, this is in a trailer so that doesn't count either.

I'm thinking if a filmmaker or marketing company paid attention or *gasp* likes my site, they wouldn't want it to end and would thus never put a quote of mine on a DVD cover, but c'mon now, that's just silly. They don't even know about the gag....hmm until now. Well that's sorta contradictory of me right? I want to see my name and site quoted but I don't want to end the site. That's why this works on both levels...hehehe.

So which is why I'm adding more to the list of things that would lead to the site going atomic. If any of this happens, the jaded viewer would go bye bye.

If you're worried, trust me these things are not likely but could happen (yeah a few of em are preposterous, but whatever, it's funny no?)

10.) An actual apocalypse (aka the end of the world)
9.) Marriage (however if the wife to be was pro jaded viewer...it would keep the site alive!)
8.) A horror movie wins best picture at the Academy Awards
7.) I get a kiss from Sarah Michelle Gellar
6.) Both my arms get severed
5.) I win the lottery
4.) I reach 5,000 followers on Twitter
3.) I get to be a zombie in a Romero film
2.) I do a shot with Jean Claude Van Damme
1.) My quote appears on a DVD cover of a horror movie

Well now all of you are in on the joke. It's fun to share the gag. Now, only time will tell if any of these things ever happen. Until they do, the jaded viewer keeps on truckin.

20100622

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Natureza do Mal (2007)

Sinopse:
Em Natureza do Mal uma floresta sem nome é cenário de vários contos e lendas sobre uma influência que teria sobre jovens, vindos de longe para cometer suicídio ali. Quando a polícia descobre que um estupro seguido de assassinato ocorreu ali, uma grande investigação é iniciada e um suspeito é detido. Mas isso não é suficiente para uma detetive, que pede ajuda a um botânico para analizar a real influência do lugar nos seres humanos.

Trailer:


Dados do Filme:
Título Original: Sum yuen
Gênero: Horror
Lançamento: 2007
País de Origem: Hong Kong
Duração: 98 min
Direção: Danny Pang

Elenco:
Qi Shu...Detective C.C. Ha
Ekin Cheng...Shum Shu-hoi
Rain Li...May
Siu-Ming Lau...Mr. Tin
Suet Lam...Commissioner Wong
Tommy Yuen...Shu-hoi's assistant (as Man-on Yuen)
Lawrence Chou...Patrick Wong (as Tsun-wai Chou)
Cub Chin...Producer of TV show

Dados do Arquivo:
Servidores: Vários
Tamanho: 700MB.
Formato do arquivo: Rar
Formato do Video: Avi
Idioma do Audio: Português
Legenda: Não tem
Codec do video: XviD
Codec do audio: MP3
Resolução: 512 x 288
Taxa de frames: 23.976
Qualidade do Vídeo: DvdRip

Links dos Arquivos:
Partes dublado - 1 2 3 4

Se quiser saber mais sobre os filmes de terror asiáticos e encontrar aquele filme tanto desejado nos visite no orkutJapanese Horror Films
Valewwwwwwwww
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***d-.-b***
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NEW TENANT (Hong Kong, 1995)



NEW TENANT (Hong Kong, 1995)
San fong haak (Cantonese)/ Xin fang ke (Mandarin)
“New Neighbor”
Universe Film Productions/Galaxy Films
Directed by Anthony Wong Chau-sang
Produced by Leung Hung-wah
Written by Lau Wing-kin, Leung Hung-wah, Anthony Wong Chau-sang
Cinematography by Tsang Chun-chung
Art Direction by Danny Yuen
Music by Raymond Wong Ying-wah
Cast:
Anthony Wong Chau-sang
Dolphin Chan Hoi-hang
Lawrence Ng Kai-wah
Dayo Wong Chi-wah
Parkman Wong Pak-man
Yip Wing-cho

With stomping Canto-metal blasting away on the soundtrack, the movie begins with actor/director Anthony Wong getting a haircut from UNTOLD STORY director Herman Yau made up like Paul Stanley from Kiss. It just gets weirder from there. It’s 1994 in Hong Kong and Wong is being discharged from a mental hospital. He claims he can no longer remember why he was originally admitted and therefore must be fully recovered. His doctor approves and, seemingly a bit of a Jesus freak, prays with him, and seems more mentally unstable than Wong does. Out on his own, our hero rents a flat in a building scheduled to be condemned in three months. Although he is the only current tenant he occasionally sees neighbors going in and out, only to later find their respective apartments empty, apparently for years. On his first night, he dreams (or does he?!?) that his face has become grotesquely disfigured and his hands have begun to stigmata. Rushing in a panic out his front door, he is confronted with the oppressive image of the hospital again, beckoning him to return. The following day, while sitting down to defecate, he is intruded upon by a rotund, mustachioed gentleman who, unable to see Wong already using the facilities, promptly whips it out and starts pissing directly on him. Blessedly, he disappears, but Wong is understandably upset and confused by this odd plot twist. Rushing into his living room he is astonished to find several people having a get-together in his apartment. They can neither see nor hear him. Anthony Wong, unsurprisingly, freaks out. These flashes continue and eventually he finds that one member of the household can at least hear him, a cute teenager improbably named Dolphin (also improbably the name of the actress playing the part and Wong’s girlfriend at the time). While in her room he happens to notice a calendar on the wall. He has suddenly found himself in 1984. Anthony Wong has become unstuck in time.

This brings us to the second act of the film, wherein Wong and Dolphin became acquainted and even sort of romantically involved. But soon enough the sinister strains of the first act begin to creep back in. Dolphin’s sister Whale (no really, that’s her name) goes missing soon after becoming engaged to the odd duck Anthropologist who lives downstairs (played by ubiquitous Category III leading man Lawrence Ng). Dolphin suspects that he has done something unspeakable to her, but really only because he makes weird noised at night that she hears through the ancient piping in their building. Dolphin and Wong sneak into his apartment one night to investigate and spy him opening a brief case and carefully inspect a mutilated canine inside. Convinced of his culpability, Wong checks in on the nutty professor back in 1994. He audits a class of his on the anthropology of human sacrifice. He speaks with unreserved passion about the cannibalization of loved ones in some “savage” societies, proclaiming the act to be the ultimate in intimacy. Confronting him afterwards the creep confesses to ritual murder and cannibalism of Whale and gives him a knowing look, perhaps somehow aware of Wong’s cross-time continuity. NEW TENANT spirals down from here into its unabashedly weird and incoherent climax. I don’t want to reveal too much, but I will tell you this about the end of the movie: It makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

Which is OK with me, really. This is a most unusual HK flick to be sure. There aren’t many pulp films from the former British colony that are so damned confounding, save perhaps for Wong Kar-wai’s ASHES OF TIME, although NEW TENANT is nowhere near in the league of that masterpiece. There’s an odd, unsettling tone to parts of the film that are genuinely creepy as well as hints that there is something more complex going on in the narrative, although it never really leads anywhere. I suppose there is something here about the anxiety over the ’97 handover to mainland China, but that’s not all that clear to me. Despite these failures in plot and theme, NEW TENANT is compulsively watchable and fairly bewitching. It’s a unique beast for its time and place, with an arty and austere mood, blanketed with a dissonant unease that rubs against the grain of the more commonplace commercial HK fare. It also features one of the oddest soundtracks I’ve ever heard, with the aforementioned metal opening, a bizarre assortment of what sounds like Russian folk songs and one of the most improperly scored love scenes in recent memory. As Wong and Dolphin are finally able to see and feel each other and therefore get it on, a tinny, jaunty Casio keyboard ragtime ditty tinkles merrily and mysteriously in the background. Many scenes are attractively eerie, and the narrative confusion adds to the incipient mystery of the production, adding a layer of pleasing weirdness even as the story stumbles. But just as often jarring bathroom humor and a sappy romantic streak undercuts this uncanny ambiance, reminding you that no matter how weird it may be, this is still ostensibly a mainstream Hong Kong pop cinema artifact. NEW TENANT never really finds the correct balance for these disparate strains. Still, it’s well worth the effort to track it down.

Acclaimed character actor Anthony Wong is the complete auteur of NEW TENANT. As star, co-writer, and director, Wong is responsible for both its successes and failures. According to an article by Lisa Odham Stokes and Michael Hoover in the Fear Without Frontiers book he also contributed music to the film, but I can find no other references to this credit. Perhaps he is composer of the metal theme at the start of the picture? Born in 1961 to a Chinese mother and an absentee gweilo father, Wong grew up an outsider and this perspective has informed his work throughout his long career. He has starred in upwards of 160 films, many of them as unrepentant heavies in horror flicks and gangster movies. He is perhaps the former colony’s best actor of such roles, always almost scarily believable as he chews up the scenery and occasionally the other actors. NEW TENANT was his debut as writer and director with only one other film, TOP BANNANA CLUB, a romantic comedy of all things, in that capacity. NEW TENANT was made for pennies sometime in 1994/95, and took some time to actually be released. As befuddling as this film is to a western audience, the average HK ticket-buyer must have been even more confounded by the ambiguous plot. Ambiguity not being a common attribute of 80s/90s commercial films, it is not surprising that TENANT struggled to find an audience. It is reputed to be one of the lowest grossing movies made during that decade. It has even struggled to find a recent cult fan base in the west, despite the exploito fame of Wong, star of underground faves EBOLA SYNDROME and EROTIC GHOST STORY 2. Despite its many faults it deserves a wider audience than it has thus far received.



Texts consultated for this review:

Charles, John, The Hong Kong Filmography 1977-1997, McFarland & Co., 2000

Stokes, Lisa Odham and Hoover, Michael, "Enfant Terrible: the Terrible, Wonderful World of Anthony Wong", Fear Without Frontiers, FAB Press, 2003

Dannen, Fredric and Long, Barry, Hong Kong Babylon: An Insider's Guide to the Hollywood of the East, Hyperion/Miramax Books, 1997

0

The Descent 2 (Review)

The Descent 2

The Descent 2 (2009)

Directed by Jon Harris

When you make a sequel to a movie I declared as the best horror movie of 2006, I can only sigh repeatedly as I know it won't live up to expectations. So as I watched Descent 2, I knew I'd be scratching my head, WTF-ing and getting irritated by all the shot by shot suspenseful scenes being mimicked by the sequel.

And yup I did all those things.

What I didn't realize is how they'd strip the aura of the original frame by frame. And this is where I take this review. The Descent 2 is not terrible nor is it breaking into the sequel Hall of Fame. It's an average flick that almost could be called a remake of the original. The new crew took Neil Marshall's original, bloodied it up with some severe neck and head trauma and put in a few slick kills.

But how it contradicts the original and has absurd plot points can't be ignored. So what you end up with is half a Descent. And you have me breaking this down with serious WTF-ness. The following review HAS LOTS AND LOTS OF SPOILERS. If you haven't seen the original or Part 2, it be best you stop reading....well NOW.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Distraught, confused, and half-wild with fear, Sarah Carter emerges alone from the Appalachian cave system where she encountered unspeakable terrors. Unable to plausibly explain to the authorities what happened - or why she's covered in her friends' blood - Sarah is forced back to the subterranean depths to help locate her five missing companions.

As the rescue party drives deeper into uncharted caverns, nightmarish visions of the recent past begin to haunt Sarah and she starts to realize the full horror and futility of the mission. Subjected to the suspicion and mistrust of the group and confronted once more by the inbred, feral and savagely ruthless Crawlers, Sarah must draw on all her inner reserves of strength and courage in a desperate final struggle for deliverance and redemption

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Hey jaded viewers. Well I'm glad I can write a spoiler filled review. Now I don't have to leave out anything that would have ruined the film. OK so I'm gonna break this down with "coolness of the original" DESTROYED by the sequel. I'm also going to add what I liked in Part 2. That's fair right?

1.) The original casts are all women spelunkers

The original says:
Do you know how cool this concept is? It broke down the tradition of male domination. in a horror film. To see women all cast was refreshing and they were not too bad to look at either.

The sequel says: Well lets put in some guys to kill. But in the end the women will rule the caves. Part 2 has alpha male testosterone going all wonky and the women have to show what's what. The cast is diverse this time, Brits, an African American woman and your run of the mill Americans. Ugh. Damn men seem to fuck up everything don't they with their bravado and their guns and their ill timed sexual advances. Thank goodness the women all prevail in the end.

2.) Claustrophobia and complete darkness makes everything suspenseful

The original says: Spelunking is taken to the extreme as tight spaces, cave ins and complete darkness get you scared shitless. Add in night vision via a camera and you don't know what to expect.

The sequel says: Yup those things all worked so we're going to do it all over again. More tight spaces, more cave ins and more night vision. They even revisit the same places as the original. Quick glimpses of the crawlers, more crawling holes and making daring escapes and more caverns with water that have to be navigated. I did like the gratuitous jumping on the hanging dead body from Part 1. That was kinda cool.

The thing is we've seen it all before. Sure a sequel is suppose to rehash the original but like seeing a movie with a twist ending, watching the same movie again doesn't have the same effect. The originals magic of cave exploring is a one time thing. It loses its eeriness and suspense the 2nd time around. This results in a semi-FAIL from the sequel.

3.) The Crawlers aren't intimidating anymore

The original says: Seeing the crawlers for the first time was a smash into your noggin. Creatures who lived in caves, lacked eyesight and only could sense you via sound. Plus they were wicked blood thirsty carnivores.

The sequel says: Gone are the chase scenes where our creepy crawlies stalk our lovelies. Now we got pure set ups where our crew gets taken out one by one. They're still hungry but was it me or did the Crawlers get lots of screen time in this one? Golden rule says less screen time for our evil the better the movie. Seeing them repeatedly and in a pack ups the YIKES! factor but it loses their mythic out of nowhere quality. Plus just a few hacks into the head by some rock climbing equipment or a rock smashing easily kills em.

Hell I think I could take on a pack of em by myself.

4.) What's the deal with Sarah?

The original says: The original had 3 endings. So in the US ending, Sarah was the lone survivor. The UK ending has Sarah dying. So this sequel obviously goes by the US ending. But lets get to Sarah and why we all liked her. Sarah's daughter is referenced as is her tension with Juno because Juno had an affair with her husband. Both are key points to her character and why what she does in the movie is so justified. She cares for her friends and her pick axing Juno makes it more "Yeah bitch Don't mess with me!" fitting.

The sequel says: First, the premise that they force Sarah who is utterly traumatized by the whole experience to go back into the caves to find her friends is utterly preposterous. Also, to take a crew deep into a cave system that's unexplored is just plain stupid. I knew creepy old timer 49-er guy was shady to begin with. Seriously, the logic here is severely bastardized. I can't tell you how completely speechless I was as I watched this.

As for Sarah, all her issues are completely ignored. There's a vague reference to her daughter, she explains how Juno "died" and the key chain makes a reappearance. She's now a pro with the caves and crawlers. She barely speaks but shows the same "save a life" attitude as she guides our potential lone survivor to safety.

I'll admit, the fact that the puddled water we see in the original that was filled with blood is now replaced with crawler feces gave me a LOL.

And then the WTF Moment happens....

5.) Holy hamburger phone! Juno is alive!!!

The original says: Last we saw Juno she got pick ax-ed by Sarah and was left for dead as the crawlers approached. She got what she deserved for abandoning her friends and cheating with Sarah's husband.

The sequel says: We all knew she would return in the sequel as she was one of the best characters in the original. I knew she survived once Natalie Mendoza was cast. But this seriously fucks up the original in a mega way. The girl we wanted to die is alive and she's now freakin an expert crawler assassin.

She has a brief catfight with Sarah which is to be expected. But that isn't really developed. They should have introduced Juno earlier to create Sarah vs Juno uneasiness. Bad sequel. In the end, Juno has a change of heart as she saves Sarah as she's about to be pulled down the abyss handcuffed to stupid sheriff guy.

They actually redeem Juno! Well how about that. Her death is actually something you could see coming a mile away (hmm maybe she's still alive) and we're now suppose to feel empathy for her. This is quite comparable to Darth Vader. Vader is mega evil #1 and in the last 3 minutes of Jedi, we're suppose to care he did the right thing? Fuck that.

6.) Arterial Spraying is magically delicious

The original says: A few choice scenes of gore and splatter. Nothing I'm writing Bloody Disgusting about.

The sequel says: Amped up Gore-ipedia in this one. Ripped necks with gushing blood, Feces cesspool bath, picks to the heads, rats in dead bodies, a sliced off hand via rock pick and others. Wow, way to amp up the splatter guys.


7.) That ending sucked

The original says: Depending on the ending you watched, you either got a happy generic one, a sad one or a WTF one.

The sequel says: Sarah and Juno: friends til the end I guess. That was illogical don't you think? Also, creepy old coal miner guy fucking up the black woman for the crawlers. That made no fuckin sense.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

It's a mix bag for me for The Descent 2. I'm giving it 2 spinkicks. It's not horribly bad and it's not awesomely good. It's the same ole crawler poop mixed in with awesome kills, nothing more and nothing less. I loved seeing my girl Juno again but this was a pseudo remake if there ever was one.

Rating:

Check out the trailer below.



20100618

0

The Horseman (Review)

The Horseman

The Horseman (2009)

Directed by Steven Kastrissios

It's been a while since I've seen a straight balls hurtin revenge movie. I still believe Chan-wook Park's Oldboy is the standard though Kill Bill puts out the ultraviolence pretty solidly as well. But that's the past.

Welcome to Australia's version of revenge.

And as the old adage goes, if you see one uber violent revenge movie this year....well let it be The Horseman.

Steven Kastrissio's The Horseman is a climax of alpha male Fight Club fists of fury meets a dish best served cold. The journey we take with Christian, our grief stricken father whose daughter was snuffed by a porn/snuff ring is suspenseful and filled with clashing of pure poetic violence.

Check your guns and katanas at the door. No need for that wimpy shit here. Christian uses a variety of elaborate torture weapons from knives, hammers and pliers to exact his blood fury. So what do we end up with?

A soon to be classic revenge movie that is no holds barred one of the best the genre has to offer.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

An action-packed, multi-award winning Australian thriller,
The Horseman features a range ofpowerhouse performances in an unflinching study of grief & retribution. Explore the dark fantasies we all dream up as Christian (Peter Marshall) grieves over the suspicious death of his teenage daughter.

As he travels through rural Australia to investigate, he picks up Alice (Caroline Marohasy), an awkward young runaway and an unlikely bond develops. But as the crime is pieced together, an ugly truth is revealed and Christian spirals down a dangerous path.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The Horseman plays out the revenge story pretty straightforward. Christian finds out his daughter is dead, gets a mysterious DVD of his little girl in a gritty porn film and then he goes all Nic Cage (ala 8MM). Soon he's hunting the porn distributor and all the actors involved in violating his daughter.

Nothing new here on the story. Even George C. Scott kicked some ass in Hardcore. But the difference here is Peter Marshall's performance as Christian. As with guilt and grief, his pain is played out through out the movie. It's pure raw emotion intertwined with flashbacks of his little girl when she was 5 years old.

The one gripe I had was we could have been given more back story of the relationship between himself and his runaway daughter. Why did she turn to drugs and become all streety? Character development would have brought us closer to Christian, though I was 70% pulling for his character to get his vengeance on. It would have been nice to get this to the high 90s.

As he goes through the list of targets, they all die horrific deaths. Here be your Gore-ipedia. We got knife neck trauma, sliced throats, penis trauma, sledgehammer pulverizing, blowtorch medievalness and nipple malice.

The one thing that separated The Horseman was the seemingly realistic fight scenes. Pure clumsy punches and kicks that are not Matrix staged. Mano y mano shit here. Dudes getting thrown into walls, using any weapon on hand to get an edge and pure punches to the face. Though its hard to believe our 44 year old father can kick the ass of villains half his age, he gets his ass kicked as much as they do.

Soon he picks up a hitchhiker Alice (Caroline Marohasy) who seems to be a runaway herself. They develop a father-daughter bond which gives him the opportunity to redeem what he's lost and potentially save what he couldn't save before.

This all ends in a climax of jaw dropping violence as Christian takes out the last remnants of the snuff ring. This of course is not without the tables being turned and the torturer being tortured. It's a tried and true formula in revenge films and The Horseman is uncensored in its portrayal. I'm not sure why I think it works but it does. I felt for the father, I got a happy when he put the smackdown on these scummy motherfuckers and I liked the redemption aspect.

Having seen this movie on quite a few Top 10 lists, I now know why. So I will give The Horseman a belated Honorable Mention for 2009. This is a revenge thriller that has wall to wall WTF moments . Guns don't kill people, a handy toolbox does.

Nude-ipedia

Slightly Nada

WTF Moment

Remember that famous Marsellus Wallace quote: "What now? Let me tell you what now. I'm a call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggers, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm a get medieval on your ass"

Well you get to see a scene with pliers and a blowtorch. Nuff said.


The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Horseman is available on DVD and BluRay (via Amazon.com and others). It's a pound your face awesome revenge movie. But don't take my word for it. Or do because you trust me. Hell if I know.

Check out the official site and Facebook page for more info-rama.

Rating:

Check out the trailer below.



20100617

0

The Shortround: IFC Grindhouse Short Film Showcase

I caught this little compilation on IFC. It's IFC's Grindhouse Short Film Showcase and there are quite a couple of solid ones in here. A funny zombie film, a mini short by Lars Von Trier, a Polish short about a group of kids and a short starring David Arquette who has a nosebleed that doesn't stop.

The 2 you can view online now are "I Love you Sarah Jane" and "Occupations". Also, I've included the trailer for "Nosebleed". I highly suggest you watch it for Sarah Jane and Nosebleed. Really good shorts that surprised me. Enjoy!

"I Love Sarah Jane"
Directed by Spencer Susser





"Occupations"
Directed by Lars von Trier





"Nosebleed" (Trailer)
Directed by Jeff Vespa


20100616

0

Hot girls in tight tank tops stranded in the desert should be in 3D (Thirst Trailer)

Thirst, not to be confused with Chan-wook Park's vampire film Thirst, is so your standard Hollywood straight to DVD flick, it's so easy to make fun of. The greenlight process of a flick like this has gotta involve a conversation between studio execs that sorta goes like this:

Studio Exec A: "So we got a budget of a few million for a horror film, what should we make?"
Studio Exec B: "How about a horror movie where some young, good looking B-list actors get stranded somewhere in the middle of America without any cell phone coverage?"
Studio Exec A: "Yes, that's perfect. How about we strand them in the desert? We won't have to make any sets for that and save some money."
Studio Exec B: "You read my mind. But this sounds familiar. Didn't they already make this?"
Studio Exec A: "Yeah it was called The Canyon, but that starred that hot chick from Chuck. INSTEAD, we'll have 2 hot chicks and a couple of generic white guys."
Studio Exec B: "That's totally original. The horror fans will we blown away by this concept"
Studio Exec A: "We gotta have the hot chicks in bikinis. Because according to our research, Males 18-34 love hot chicks in bikinis."
Studio Exec B: "Agreed"
Studio Exec A: "So I'm thinking their van will be spooked by a wild animal, crash and they will lack a spare tire and any food or water. You know man vs nature stuff...like that movie where they got stranded in the ocean"
Studio Exec B: "Open Water"
Studio Exec A: "Exactly. We'll have them battle rattlesnakes, coyotes and all sorts of desert enemies."
Studio Exec B: "But in the end, the thing that will kill them is themselves"
Studio Exec A: "Nah I think it should be coyotes that kill them"
Studio Exec B: "OK, we'll see about that. Who can we get to star in this?"
Studio Exec A: "How about that girl from Mean Girls?"
Studio Exec B: "Umm she's kinda a drug addict sir"
Studio Exec A: "No the other one"
Studio Exec B: "She's way out of our budget after she was in that Megan Fox movie"
Studio Exec A: "No the other girl"
Studio Exec B: "Umm sir, Ms. McAdams would be quite expensive for this movie"
Studio Exec A: "OK lets go with that last hot girl...Lacey something"
Studio Exec B: "Lacey Charbert. Yes she is quite attractive and she's made a generic holiday horror movie already. Also, I'm sure we can get the blonde vampire from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, she was in Hatchet you know"
Studio Exec A: "Yes, she would be perfect. For the guys, hire anybody. Nobody cares about the guys in these movies"
Studio Exec B: "Very good sir"
Studio Exec A: "Can we make this in 3D?"
Studio Exec B: "What would be in 3D, the cleavage sir? It would just be to much money to do in 3D."
Studio Exec A: "Dammit, our research says males 18-34 love 3D. OK, if it can't be in 3D were going to have to add more rattlesnakes and coyotes."
Studio Exec B: "I will get on that right away sir"
Studio Exec A: "Horror fans will love this film! It's totally original and has hot chicks in bikinis. We're going to make tons of money!"

You know I'm 100% on the money that's the conversation that went on. So here be the plot for Thirst, which gets released on DVD June 22nd.

Thirst tells the story of two couples who suddenly find themselves lost and alone deep within the California desert. As each sweltering day leads to the next, social norms unravel. Soon their thirst for water begins to dominate and define their love, as primal survival forces peel away all remnants of civilized social veneer.

Well sometimes you gotta forgo civilized social veneer when your dying. Here's hoping it gets too hot and they do away with the tank tops.

Without further ado, here is the trailer.





Hot chicks in bikinis!!!

20100615

0

Incest Death Squad 2 (Premiere Date and its Free Online!)

Cory Udler dropped me another line for Incest Death Squad 2. It seems all of us are going to see this for free on September 17th.

Incest Death Squad 2 will premiere September 17th, 2010 live and free online at HorrorSociety.com. There will be one showing of the film for free at the website then the film will be available for sale at the film’s official website.

Well that's some good news. I know its a few months away but Udler has told me this flick has more carnage, boobs and body count. What more can you possibly ask for?

From the press release, seems like this movie had trouble booking a theater for its premiere. Seems Wisconsin theaters don't want to screen a movie on a Friday or Saturday. Fuckity fuckers.

Last year, the premiere of “Incest Death Squad” at Market Square Theatres in Madison, as part of the Madison Horror Film Festival, played to a sold out crowd of rabid horror fans. This year, Udler found the resistance from local theatres to a Friday or Saturday night premiere to be completely off-putting.

"It’s amazing that a local film, with a local director, local talent and local businesses featured would be met with such a response in a city that prides itself on its “buy local” mentality. But basically, I wanted to premiere the film on a Friday or Saturday night in Madison at a local Madison theatre. It was either ridiculously expensive, and or I was told time and time again that the theatre doesn’t rent out on Friday or Saturday nights.” Udler said.


Well the online horror community will reap the benefits of this movie being available not only in Wisconsin.

Check out the trailer here and my review of IDS1.

Also head over to the Facebook site and the official site.

20100614

0

Macabro (2009)

Sinopse:
Os recém-casados Adjie e Astrid partem em uma viagem pela estrada com três de seus melhores amigos. A viagem é interrompida abruptamente quando se deparam com Maya, uma garota sem rumo que aparece sem explicação no caminho deles. Tudo o que ela diz é que foi roubada. Eles decidem levá-la até sua casa isolada na floresta, onde a garota vive com a família. Como agradecimento, a gentil mãe de Maya insiste em dar uma festa. A noite se transforma em um inferno sangrento para os amigos.

Trailer:


Dados do Filme:
Título Original: Darah
Gênero: Horror
Lançamento: 2009
País de Origem: Indonesia
Duração: 95 min
Direção: The Mo Brothers

Elenco:
Shareefa Daanish,
Imelda Therinne,
Arifin Putra,
Ruli Lubis,
Julie Estelle,
Ario Bayu,
Sigi Wimala,
Daniel Mananta,
Dendy Subangil,
Mike Muliadro


Dados do Arquivo:
Servidores: Jumbofiles
Tamanho: 908MB.
Formato do arquivo: Rar
Formato do Video: Avi
Idioma do Audio: Bahasa Indonesia
Legenda: Português
Codec do video: XviD
Codec do audio: MP3
Resolução: 512 x 288
Taxa de frames: 23.976
Qualidade do Vídeo: DvdRip

Links dos Arquivos:
Parte única Legendado - Aqui

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0

If You Had One Horror Genre Related Wish, What Would It Be?

Big Daddy Horror Reviews did an ongoing series on the question above. And I decided to take part.

What was my answer?

In a nutshell, I wanted to know where the Asian, Black and Hispanic final girls were in American Hollywood movies.

Read my full response here.

Well here is the addendum. You'd think by now we'd have a black or a hispanic girl lead our oversexed teenage victim fodder to the middle of Nowhere, USA. But no. We still got the white, sly and wholesome final girl stapled into Hollywood horror. I mean I think its time we break this glass ceiling of minorities not being the survivors of a slasher onslaught.

Brandon from Big Daddy Horror Reviews left perfect examples of this actually happening in horror movies when I posted a Random List of things you DON'T see in horror movies. Camp Slaughter had a *gasp* fat, black final girl. Also he mentioned a horror movie called Fraternity Massacre on Hell Island with a gay final guy! Can you believe it?

It takes an indie mentality to take such risks and when they do, it makes the film more interesting (though you still have to make a good horror film either way). I've yet to see any of the 2 movies above but holy fuckin cow, I'm going to put these on my radar.

In the latest installment of Friday the 13th remake, we had a token black and Asian guy playing oversexed nerdos. I love the slasher formula as much as the next guy and these guys were gonna die by the hands of J-man, but I'm beginning to think its getting kinda boring.

In the Nightmare remake, we didn't even get any minorities in the flick. Sure, that's how it was in the original but geez, its not 1984 anymore, its 2010. I think there is at least one black girl in the town.

We've broken a few barriers with slashers being racially diversified but our heroes and heroines should be too. I think the audience would be colorblind when it comes to cheering for a Chinese final girl, if and only if she was not a stereotypical character.

On the other side of the coin, its not enough to put a person of color in a lead role. The final girl or guy has to have some character, something the audience likes (be it big boobs, female empowerment, smart or clever). And that doesn't matter if your black or white or whatever.

When will this actually happen? Probably not anytime soon. The suburban audience wants to see themselves in a horror movie and Hollywood knows this. So were going to get the same old shit until some indie movie succeeds by changing the perception of the final girl and then Hollywood will take notice and copy this "new" idea.

If wishes were horses.

Check out the other responses to this question via Big Daddy Horror Reviews.

20100611

0

"This film is cursed!" LORNA disc to be delayed.



Mondo Macabro have announced that their highly anticipated DVD of Jess Franco's amazing LORNA THE EXORCIST will be delayed.

To quote from their blog:

"Due at the end of this month, it will now be a month or so late. This is due to circumstances GENUINELY beyond our control. Trust us, if you knew how hard we’ve worked to get round this, you’d be minting us medals rather than hurling epithets. In our defence, we’d like to point out that in nearly 50 MM releases, this is the first time this has happened….so…apologies..."

Sad, so sad. Pete Tombs was nice enough to share with us what exactly had gone wrong with the materials they had received from the licensor:

"LORNA had been turned into a porno movie in Italy. They removed more or less all the plot and replaced it with hideous porn inserts. The ending was almost completely gone. It was a disaster. The english soundtrack did not match either. The worst fuck up I have so far encountered in nearly 15 years of doing this!"

The good news? They seem to have been able to fix the probs and it will still be published. The even better news? The legendary "power transference by dildo" scene exists and will be on this disc for all to behold! The following screengrab confirms this beyond all doubt.




While it may not be on time, and it may have nearly ruined the sanity of the Mondo Macabro brain trust, LORNA THE EXORCIST will surely be one of the DVDs of the year.
If you so desire, you may put your faith where your wallet is and pre-order this masterpiece here.

Here are some other screengrabs from MM's blog. For those of us who've only experienced this movie from 7th generation bootlegs sourced from ancient SECAM VHS tapes, these are a true revelation!





0

Temptation (Review)

Temptation

Temptation (2009)

Directed by Catherine Taylor

The UK too can churn out its own versions of DHARMA Initiative "GENERIC LESBIAN VAMPIRE FILM". The perfect example is Temptation, which plays out like a bad modern day Anne Rice novel.

All the cliches are here and they follow a Macarena beat down to the super cliched very obvious ending.

If I wanted my fix of a lesbian vampire film, I'd watch anything from Jess Franco. But you've gotta cash in on the vampire craze which is still alive and kickin. True Blood, Let the Right One In, Daybreakers and *gasp* Twilight to keep you tuned into the 24/7 convenience store that is vampire. They should have read my Vampire Rules 101.

At least those all have clever premises. Temptation has hot British chicks with red contact lenses and plastic dollar bin fangs.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Catherine Taylor's seductive and tantalizing vampire tale unleashes an onslaught of bloody killings, sexual excess and vampiric desire set against a lush, colorful London night life of swinging singles and nocturnal predators. Beautiful, young professional Isabel (Caroline Haines) is out on the town with friends. One too many is the least of her problems when she is saved from the clutches of a serial rapist by a centuries-old, ruthless but gorgeous vampire, Aurelie (Rachel Waters) - but at what cost.

Now under Aurelie's spell and with an intensifying taste for blood, Isabel has only 48 hours to decide whether to give in to her lustful and crimson cravings or end it all before it's too late.
Temptation brings a fresh and new look to the vampire genre with atmosphere, sensuality and filmmaking bravado.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

No extensive review here. Let's just list vampire cliches ok?

  • Our protagonist? Semi hot British blonde
  • Let's begin the movie at the end...then have a finale where we began the movie!
  • Cabbie on passenger rape violence
  • A French vampire with fiery red hair
  • Rapid fire music video edits and cuts
  • Flashbacks to things we just saw 2 minutes ago!
  • Vampire suckage
  • Dreams of the vamp who made you in 80s music video fade montages
  • Hmmm I can't seem to eat regular food and the sunlight hurts me...it must be that time of the month
  • Gratuitous black and white cop investigation
  • The douchebag boyfriend that becomes the first meal
  • Nightclubs with burlesque and over elaborate dance numbers
  • Hot, sexy vampire vixens making meals of the clientele
  • Flashback to 1700s vampire origins
  • More flashbacks to things we saw 1 minute ago!
  • More lesbian vampire nekkidness and kissing
  • Why is it nobody believes in vampires in vampire movies?
  • The old debate: should I be a vampire or get a spontaneous combustion tan?
  • Let's kill the vamp that sired me because I'm a "good vampire with a heart"
  • Look who's a vampire too supposed twist ending!
Temptation is generic as they come in this super duper sub sub sub genre of vampire films. I really can't get into the same old story.

I love the sub genre of vampire films but if you don't do anything different, you FAIL. This story has been done to death and either you twist the Bram Stoker's vamps into something creative or you make a zombie film.

On second thought, please don't.

Gore-ipedia

Sliced throats
Blood oozage
Knife trauma
Neck trauma

Nude-ipedia

Various quick cuts of boobies but none from our vampyro lesbos

WTF moment

Those flashbacks of things we saw 6 seconds ago

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you want to get your vampyro lesbos on, Temptation is your quick fix. It's now on DVD via Vicious Circle Films from Breaking Glass Pictures. What can I say? This is a movie that I didn't want to sink my teeth into. (classic cliche pun...thank you thank you)

Rating:

Check out the trailer below.