Oh Lifetime Movie Network, how many stupendous reasons are there for your existence? Countless, in my opinion. The most important though is that you have taught me many a life lesson where my parents, school and society have failed. You fill in the holes of the information women are missing and desperately need. I never would have suspected that I wasn't my parents' child, that the sudden disappearance of my best friend was suspicious or that a high school friend may be planning to steal my unborn baby if it wasn't for you. Your practical and plausible stories are timeless parables that prove how underrated women are.
20.) Any guy that is nice and/or telling jokes is automatically suspect of any crime just committed or a dark past. He's just too happy.
In every movie, the culprit of any crime or wrongdoing is the person you least suspect... and a man. So, who would you suspect less than the very nice guy just trying to help you with what you're doing? In actuality, though, he's just covering his tracks and using to you do so or making sure that you never find out. No guy is ever just nice. Thanks for the alert, Lifetime.
19.) Step parents, surrogate mothers and nannies always have an ulterior motive.
Any movie involving a step parent, surrogate mother or nanny has never ended well. It usually ends in a kidnap and/or ransom and always complete uncertainty of who the true mother and father are. Basically it becomes 'Days of Our Lives' with the moral of 'this could happen to anyone'. So if you've ever wondered if you were adopted, you are probably onto something.
18.) High school is just one big, raunchy burlesque house and no one is good in any way.
Every movie about high school is always about the dangers of it. Every girl is basically a prostitute who hates all of her 'friends' and every adult believes she is a golden child. Every guy is numbed to their life and surroundings and just waits for girls to approach them offering sex in hopes of being popular. No one has any brains or morals and if you try to, the aforementioned kids will systematically try to destroy your life. Don't worry though, because the other outcast kids that literally lurk in the shadows will help you.
17.) Men are bad. Period.
I think the basis for all for all Lifetime movies is evil of men. They always do something wrong in some way. Most of the time they are the bad guys. But, in the few movies in which they aren't the antagonists, they are just a hindrance to the women, usually telling her she's crazy, ignoring her or something else completely messed up. There are a few instances in which men do help women, but if there is, there's also at least one other man impeding her efforts. So, just steer clear of men. Nothing good comes from them. At the very most, they can only help women, but other women can do that, too. So, women really have no need of men.
16.) Women are smarter, stronger and more trustworthy than men.
As you can see from #17, there's really no use for men, because there's nothing men can do that women can't. Due to the fact that men are just bad, they can never be as good as woman in any capacity, especially in terms of character. You can never trust a man and he's too blinded by his evilness to think intelligently or with any fortitude. Women have to rely on themselves for that. Men are basically helpless without women. Again, thank you for the lesson, Lifetime.
15.) Basically everyone you know has a dark past or at least one deep, dark secret they are running from.
If you think people are capable of leading relatively innocent, honest and quiet lives, then think again! No one can just spend their lives in a small town without amassing at least one unspeakable secret. And people who have not lived in only one place are probably running from something. You better presume these people (and everyone in general) are guilty of something and be very suspicious... especially if they're a man.
14.) At any given time in your life, there is at least one person plotting to destroy you.
Evidently, jealously is the most abundant emotion in people, and the downfall of women, because it's usually another woman that wants to destroy your life. Men are too stupid to be jealous of you. This also ties into why you should always be suspecting people, but it's little more tricky, because you have to be on the lookout among your own kind, women. So, if you have found one of the decent men that comprise the 0.5% of the male population that is good, have children and an adequate job, you better be on watching out for a new women trying to befriend you and existing friends acting weird. Either of those situations adds up to your life slowly being ruined.
13.) Ghosts do exist - and usually have been wronged by a man.
One foundational element in Lifetime movies is bitterness and the ability to never forget. And, apparently this bitterness continues until wrongs have been righted, even after death. Since men are bad and responsible for most of the evil in the world, they undoubtedly have caused most of this bitterness and women won't forget it and definitely won't rest until these horrible acts have been amended. And also since most men are only capable of bad things, there is one long laundry list of angry alive women and even more dead ones. And according to Lifetime, they will NOT leave you alone.
12.) Your life can be turned upside down in a matter of 30 minutes or less.
It's the same timeline in every movie. Everything starts out hunky dory, then BAM, one thing happens and everything the woman believed is a lie and her life will never be the same. Of course, 45-60 minutes later the problem is solved, but according to Lifetime, insane events happen quickly to all normal people and every crazy thing can happen to everyone. In a snap, you can find out that your parents aren't really your parents and the guy pretending to be your best friend is actually your demented half-brother wanting to use you as bate to find your real parents, because they are hiding from him. Oh, and he's in love with you. It can happen just like that. The lesson of the story is don't get attached to your life, because you are really the only thing you know is true.
11.) Don't believe that your parents are your parents until they prove it.
Going along with #12, how can you ever really know your parents are parents? You can't tell by having your mom's eyes or your dad's hair. Baby photos and birth certificates mean nothing either. DNA tests are truly the only way to tell. You need to have this done once in your life to make sure you weren't actually kidnapped as a pawn in the feud between these people and your real parents. You just can't trust anyone... especially your 'father'.
10.) The only thing worse than a man is a rich, manipulative woman.
Being worse than a man is hard, but some women manage to be. These are usually the girls from high school mentioned in #18 that have only gotten worse with age. Obviously, you should be wary of rich and manipulative people, but it's about 10 times worse when it's a woman.
9.) Being psychic is quite common - and they're always right.
Apparently, there are a plethora of people walking around knowing what has happened or what will happen to anyone they touch. These X-Men-like creatures keep these talents quiet, because it's also a dark secret. So, at any given moment, you really have at least 1 person around you that can peer into your life. Go to your happy place.
8.) Cops never want to help and are actually more harmful than helpful in any situation.
In every situation where someone is overjoyed that the police have arrived to save them, the cops are either useless or make the situation worse. Conversations usually go like this: "Officer, I saw a hand banging on the window in the basement twice. There is someone down there!" "Lady, you are sleep-deprived and bored and we have to take into account you're a woman, which automatically makes you delusional. You're seeing things that aren't there. Now, we're going to go back to cruising around. We'll be back in an hour when you're running around holding a knife, bleeding and finally have some evidence." Basically, if policemen are there to help you, they won't, and if they're there about a situation that you're involved in, you will be blamed. The cops are just bad no matter what. They're mostly men, too. Coincidence? I think not.
7.) The law is useless.
There's always a way to have your children taken away without any proof, but it's almost impossible to convict a guy of a sexual crime. The law never works for the good person and is always twisted by bad guy to favor him. Lifetime movies prove that laws are unjust and we actually lived in a country with tyrannical rule.
6.) The only people with impeccable integrity are young mothers and outcast students.
Anyone who is popular or highly esteemed has committed some bad deeds to earn that position and they are willing to do anything to keep that status. The only people capable of any good are those in the lowest positions, such as single, poor mothers and ignored high school kids. Evidently, the isolation makes them good and the only people you can trust.
5.) Underage drinking WILL lead to kidnapping, rape and/or death.
In every instance where someone underage drinks, a horrible atrocity happens. Girls are kidnapped, and possibly raped and killed. Parents are terrified to try to break up a party, because they might get hurt by the animals these high school kids turn into. Basically, hell breaks loose when someone under 21 drinks. When someone over 21 does though, nothing out of the ordinary happens. So, instead of showing that drinking is an actually unsatisfying way to have fun or numb yourself, which leads to lax morals, judgment and and an overall downgrade of life that nothing good comes from, Lifetime goes with the angle of scaring kids into thinking that if you drink you will deal with the decision of kill or be killed.
4.) You are smarter than everyone you know and no one else understands.
There isn't one Lifetime movie where the main character has a single person sticking with them throughout the story. Each person at one point must stand against their friends, parents, husband, sister and of course, the law to prove something right, which is obvious to the viewers, just not anyone in the movie. Lifetime teaches you to prepare for this, because you WILL have to prove a murder or that your child is really yours at some point while everyone you know is lined up against you. Again, you see that you are all alone, the world is against you and you can only count on yourself. Your only chance at finding understanding is finding some outcasts.
3.) If you have 1000 pieces of evidence to prove something, no one will believe you still.
Going along with #4, you will never be believed no matter what you're saying. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Officer! Something horrible happened to my best friend, Mary! I haven't seen her is 2 weeks and 'HELP' is written in blood on her walls!" "She's fine. If there was something wrong, it would have been reported. Lady, you can't come to the police every time you guys have a cat fight." And if you have video of your best friend's husband cheating on her, you might as well burn it, because she'll never believe you and might accuse you of trying to get him all to yourself by tricking her into breaking up with him. When you're certain that a relationship is obsessive and can prove it, then you will called a bitter person who hates relationships. Let it be a lesson that helping may actually hurt you and no matter what no one will believe what you can prove.
2.) Your paranoia is founded and are actually just healthy cautions.
Are you afraid of the random person you knew from high school that just moved into your neighborhood though you now live in another state? Or, do you not instinctually believe a woman when she tells she's pregnant? Good! That's just using common sense. Lifetime has taught that anything and everything can be a lie. If the soccer coach is keeping your daughter late at practice, don't just believe it was for the good of the team. There is probably a statutory relationship going on. So, be wary of the cable guy, even when you schedule his visit and the mailman, because he sees all of your mail. And, when you go to the doctor, be careful what he's 'checking out'. There are people all around you lurking with deep, dark plans to hurt you in ways you never thought of.
1.) Every actor has been desperate enough to be in a Lifetime movie at one point in their career.
It's no secret that Lifetime isn't the highest quality of entertainment, this list gives some hints as to why. It's been starting point or fall back for countless actors from John Stamos to Heather Locklear and many others that you've barely heard of or scarcely remember. One of the funniest things (besides the amazing story lines) about Lifetime movies is seeing the scores of actors that show up and the roles they play. I'll never forget watching Fred Savage kill DJ Tanner from Full House or Tiffani Amber Thiessen trying to escape from her abusive husband. Okay, I probably will, but that doesn't mean it wasn't entertaining.
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