"You know I would love an American studio to trust me to make a comedy, I would be so good"
That's a quote from Jean Claude Van Damme from his reality show "Behind Closed Doors". I'm not sure how I missed this as I knew he was making a reality show but figured I'd never see it as it'd be on some Bulgarian cable channel. It's actually on ITV (UK) Thank the Google gods, it's on YouTube.
So I've only watched the first episode and here's is what we get.
- We meet JCVD's family (minus the wife) Mom, Dad and his kids Kris and Bianca (a semi cutey)
- We see scenes from "Weapon" his new movie (this is probably the only footage we'll ever see from this flick)
- JCVD starts crying for no reason about how "we have to save this place [the world I guess is what he's talking about or it could be a Dennys]"
- The Eagle Path was JCVD's "environmental film" and it's still and probably never will ever be released
- He has his shirt off like 90% of the episode
- His son is totally riding his dad's coat tails
- JCVD gets a cameo in some Russian comedy directed by an American?!? He thinks he's playing Napoleon but instead he's playing a 19th century Van Damme...wait say what?
- He then starts partying at a fashion show in Kiev. At this point there is a 99.9% chance he's going to OD on whores, booze and coke. Probably in that order. Damn this is getting good.
- Note to self: Kiev has some damn hot looking hotties
- The cutaway breaks are hilarious (JCVD spinkicks, JCVD pets a puppy, JCVD giggles...seriously I'm not making this up)
- Bianca and Kris take a puppy to a vet (the puppy is suffering from a case of worms and his peeing and crapping everywhere) QUALITY TV here folks.
- Scott Adkins plays out a scene with JCVD (probability of a JCVD spinkick: 1.2%)
- "I have an addictive personality...we will go to hell together" Yes this is a quote. I don't no what he's trying to say either.
- JCVD waits for his new puppy to make "poo poo". Like I said jaded viewers, QUALITY FUCKIN TV here.
- JCVD heads back home to Brussels and we have an extended scene of Van Damme waiting for his luggage in the baggage carousel. It's a tense scene. Will the baggage show up? Is it lost? Is it damaged? Did it fall out of the plane mid flight? Holy shit! We don't know!
- JCVD cleans up dog piss
- OMG!!!! Jean Claude has a DOG SANCTUARY!!!!!! Van Damme is my fuckin hero.
- Oh I forgot to mention JCVD wears various colored "JCVD" hats
- He plays with his dogs on the beach while snorting some coke