The WTF List: Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake)

I took every body's advice and didn't watch this movie in the theater. I ahem....watched this movie via the magic of the internet. Bless you internet for saving me $12. Thanks to Insano Steve, we were able to dissect this heap of piling, smelly crap from the comfort of my home.

Sure, it wasn't the best quality, but at least I didn't spend my hard earned money eating overpriced popcorn next to Joe and Joanna Moviegoer and a couple of Jabronis. Let me just say straight out the movie isn't overtly terrible, it's just predictable and boring.

A mish mash of the originals, some new micronap garbage, a rewriting of Freddy's backstory, some choice scenes from the original and a cursing Freddy.

God that sucked ass.

So as I could never top my fake review of A Nightmare on Elm Street remake, here is a WTF list. Hopefully these mindless framed thoughts will invade your nightmares.

1.) Son of 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! (oops wrong movie)
2.) Is it reality or a dream? Am I actually watching this movie? OMG! I am. Sigh.
3.) Oh oh, John Connor is brooding like crazy. He's an uber brooder.
4.) New Freddy (I refuse to call him just Freddy because Robert England is the real Fred Kreuger) looks like a real life burnt victim. Who cares about realistic burn scars? I mean seriously...I prefer ridiculous fake burnt scars from my Dream Master
5.) Insano Steve says this blonde is on one of the CW shows so chance of her getting naked: 0%.
6.) New Nancy is the most yawnfest, boring, snooze final girl I have ever seen in a movie.
7.) Wow, New Freddy killed a dog. You so badass New Freddy.
8.) Gotta love that CGI glove through the chest!
9.) Why does this Joy Division wearing t-shirt motherfucker look like the douche from Twilight?
10.) Dude, there is an endless supply of energy drinks in any convenience store and nobody thinks to load up?
11.) This swim team is kinda lame and the entire scene is utterly pointless
12.) OMG, am I right? Is Freddy actually innocent in this one? I'm fuckin Nostradamus folks! I will read your fortune! I am a real life psychic!
13.) Micronapping is the "new twist" in this. It's blending reality and dream world. I was micronapping while watching this flick. I also took a shit while watching this flick.
14.) Son of 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! (isn't that now in repeating in your head? muhahahahha)
15.) People's shadows just infiltrated our "legitimate copy" of this movie. Insano Steve and I bust out laughing.
16.) Nancy looks at the supposed victims of Freddy. There is a Chinese kid and a black kid in the group school photo. C'mon Chinese kid! I know you can kung fu and muy thai Freddy. hoooooowaaaaa Bruce Lee his ass.
17.) Oh man he died while filming a video on YouTube....godammit. Why does the Asian kid always die???
18.) I like how the fake search engine GigaBlast is a real search engine. Good one Platinum Dunes!
19.) They really are fucking us in the ass by overusing the dream/not a dream gimmick
20.) Also, they had a mirror scare/false alarm cliche in here as well. Jeezus you fucks are lazy.

OVERTIME WTF List!

21.) They gave the jumping rope lullaby molested children lots of screen time and actual lines. I sincerely believe they are all 21 year old actors that look like 12 year olds. Thank you Chris Hansen.
22.) Nah, he didn't molest those kids. Those photos are fake I tell you. Freddy is innocent!
23.) Wow, we all know how they defeat Freddy and this actually is the worst of all of Freddy's demise/"death scenes".
24.) This overused cliche of riding along in the ambulance. It really bothers me as I think this doesn't really happen on planet Earth.
25.) The last cliffhanger is a mirror scare and ocular trauma 2D CGI. OMG, that was Uwe Boll bad.

There ya have it, my thought in micro-nap form. I forgot to add Freddy curses in this which made me LOL. This is a bad movie minions and you should all be ashamed of going to the theater and making Platinum Dunes rich (I know its not your fault as you all HAD to see this monstrosity).

I hate remakes. I hate Platinum Dunes. I hate New Freddy. I hate New Nancy. I hate micro-naps.

I hate this movie.

Son of 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs!

Freddy Kreuger vs An Insane Proctologist: Who will win?

Two movies come out today. Sure, I know 99.9% of you are going to see the remake today. But the 0.1% of the horror-verse will go see another movie...one I'm waaaaay fuckin hyped up to see. Yup. Today we go to the doctors office and see The Human Centipede.

So I've compiled some links from the jaded viewer archives for both movies to get you hyped up for both. My thoughts? I've already seen a child molester kill teens in their sleep. Been there, done that.

I've never seen a deranged doctor surgically connect humans from their mouth to an anus. It was an easy choice.

But these guys want your movie bucks. Make your choice.

Freddy says see my flick because......

• My fake Nightmare on Elm Street remake review (will any of my predictions come true?)
• My thoughts on the remake trailer
• The Many Deaths of Freddy (meaning the way Freddy dies) What was the worst?

Insane Dr. Giggles like proctologist says see my flick because......

• The Human Centipede stills (a picture is worth a 1000 words...these are worth 2)
• The Human Centipede trailer (aka I'm a fan of watching people get surgically connected by their anus)
  

Never Evaaaaaar Play NES Nightmare on Elm Street: The Game

In honor of the bastardization to come in the new Nightmare on Elm Street remake that comes out tomorrow, let's look back at the bastardization of the original Nightmare on Elm Street via video game form.

CineMassacre.com's hilarious video review says it all. Thank you Angry Nintendo Nerd for suffering through this for our amusement.

Check out the video below.

EXCLUSIVE!!! A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake Review)

A Nightmare on Elm Street

A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake -2010)

Directed by Samuel Bayer

I must be the luckiest man in NYC. Somehow the stars aligned again and after I got to see an early screening of Kick-Ass, I couldn't believe I got to watch the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street yesterday. April is starting out super awesome!

But my dream turned into a nightmare after I saw this turd of a turd.

Sorry folks, it's a big giant pile of heaping crap.

And I'm not alone. The crowd at the theater was equally vomitus. Towards the middle of the flick during a gratuitous chase scene that lacked any suspense, somebody yelled "Freddy you suck!" At this point everybody applauded, laughed and tossed their remaining refreshments at the screen.

I too joined in. So why the unhappiness for our Dream Master? Let's find out with a Q&A.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A re-imagining of the horror icon Freddy Krueger, a serial-killer who wields a glove with four blades embedded in the fingers and kills people in their dreams, resulting in their real death in reality.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

This NOES remake doesn't even deserve 10 Q&As so I'm going with 5. Let's get crackin!

1.) I heard Freddy Kreuger is in this and only has 1st degree burns. He also has "a different outfit" he wears other than the sweater, fedora and glove. Is this true?

Yes folks. The burnage is sad to say the least. It's like Freddy got singed by boiling water. The makeup here is atrocious. And the different outfit is true my horror minions. He wears an almost clownlike "alternate" outfit towards the end of the flick.

My jaw dropped. The bastardization of Freddy had only yet begun.

2.) So how's the new Nancy? I heard she gets naked in that bathtub scene and you see boobage. So is it a shot by shot remake from the original scene?

You see some side boobage but the other good solid nudity comes from Skinemax stars playing high school cheerleaders. You'd think this scene would be solid but Platinum Dunes spins this into a dream sequence that is littered with cliches. From mirror scares, to hallucination scares to some cackling and those damn kids jumping rope, this entire scene and movie could be labeled "CLICHED HORROR MOVIE" by the Dharma Initiative.

3.) Damn man, wasn't there anything good in this flick? C'mon the gore and splatter are fuckin A right? I heard Freddy performs some ocular trauma on an unsuspecting nerd.

Dude, the 2 words I hate to hear in any horror flick are in full effect here: CGI gore. Sigh. I mean this CGI gore makes Diary of the Dead look like Savini effects. Sure you get some solid dream deaths, one in particular involving a locker that you don't want to open as well as Jesse getting some much needed R&R to hell. But Freddy's actual kills with the beloved glove are the worst since Revenge. You have an awesome weapon and they underutilize it here.

4.) Is Freddy going to go all Stand Up Improv or will he make me pee in my pants?

Haley is horrible as Kreuger. Some of the one-liners are flat and his scary-tude is non existent. But that's not the worst part...oh no folks.

Here we go with the giant screaming head twist!

FREDDY KREUGER IS INNOCENT!!!!

Yup he didn't molest or kill those kids. I'm not going to tell you who really did it but this is why the audience was going bonkers. They singlehandidly destroyed the mythos in 90 minutes. Why or why Platinum Dunes?!?! You sonnavabitch.

Gore-ipedia

Not even gonna get into this. I mean it had 100% CGI gore. That doesn't count.

WTF moment

Umm dude he's innocent.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

OK, my last Q&A is below. Scroll down after the picture if you want to read a BIG ASS SPOILER. Seriously, you'll want to read this.

Rating:

0 Spinkicks!!!

5.) Is this review one big April Fool's joke?

Oh yeah. 100%. I didn't see the movie and I have no idea what the fuck happens. Shit, the flick could have unicorns as far as I know. In any case dude, if Freddy turns out innocent we all should riot.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Did I fool you? You should no better....it's April fuckin first.

Happy April Fool's Day!

The Trailer