10 Things from 70s Times Square that exploitation movies need to bring back

Exploitation and grindhouse movies these days are no longer that exploitative. Sure Tarantino and Rodriguez can call their movie Grindhouse, but somehow if I'm not offended by it, it's not really exploitation. Planet Terror, Death Proof, Machete and Hobo with a Shotgun are all solid flicks but these as you would expect are sanitized Hollywood flicks for the masses.

70s Times Square could care less about the masses. They catered to the guy with the fedora, large sunglasses and trench coat. The true grindhouse films wanted to shock the shit out of you for 70 or so minutes. Bad dubbing, recut and edited foriegn flicks, and retitled films were the standard. But you'd have a wide selection of the WTF and outrageous. Movies that would offend you, test your limits and obliterate your tolerance for the absurd.

Clearly we've all grown up from our 70s scumminess and we'd hope to be a more tolerant and equal society. But a tiny part of me wants to see some exploitative absurdity, something that goes waaaay extreme that you can't believe what you just saw. A millennial Pink Flamingos if you will. 

Will we ever see any of these things/subjects ever made into a feature to call themselves real exploitation?

1.) Super duper racist films

Fight for your Life was completely nuts. Thing about this plot. 3 escaped inmates, a white trash redneck, a Mexican and an Asian violently assault a black minister. You've offended every race in America in one movie. Movies like Goodbye Uncle Tom supposedly cashed in on the blaxploitation craze but 70s grindhouse cashed in by being so offensive, you'd think a race riot would happen in the theater.


2.) Sexually violent deviousness

Ahhh clearly the 70s grindhouse could care less for women. Boobs, butts and skin all to be killed off in horrific fashion. I think of the ridiculousness of Patrick, a movie about a comatose man with psychic powers uses them to manipulate a hot nurse. The kills were wickedly hypnotizing and spawned an even more sexually violent sequel from Italy!

3.) Midgets and Freaks

Have you seen the movie Freaks? It was made in 1932 and starred actual midgets and freaks. Clearly we have to be PC about our little people and visually challenged these days. But the ironic part is this film is actually pretty good, shows them as normal people and featured a part of our society that would have been ignored.

4.) Pimps and Hookers (in Atlantic City)

The only time you see pimps and hookers is on HBO's AC Hookers. Oh what fascinating lives these two groups lead and somehow, yes somehow this could be exploited into some awesome movies if you think of it.

5.) Cannibals a Go Go

It's not like there are anymore cannibal tribes in the world anymore right? Right? I mean even if you stereotyped some tribe to be killer cannibals, it's not like they'd actually see the flick. It's the genre I miss the most. Devil white man gets comeuppance for trying to civilize the savages. It's the formula with a message and the gore.

6.) Mondo Schmondo

 Have you seen the footage of Filipinos crucifying themselves on Easter Sunday? No? Then YouTube it. This shit still happens. All countries still have some crazy, wacky rituals and I don't think we've seen them all.

7.) Experimental Surrealistic Nonsense

We all need a little Alejandro Jodorowsky in our lives.

8.) Something Japanese

Rule 34. If you've thought of something so fucked up, so nasty and so disgusting, chances are the Japanese have made a movie about it.

9.) Slashers who are plain old crazy

Luther the Geek was a movie about a carnival freak who bit the heads off chickens and drinks their blood. He then proceeds to kill random people while clucking. We need more films like this.

10.) The New Christina Lindberg

We need a movie where a girl next door vixen gets violated and then goes all revenge served cold. This is an untapped genre begging and pleading to resurface.

What 70s/80s subgenres from the olden days do you miss? Will we ever see any of these highly offensive subgenres/topics/things ever made in the Hollywood machine or the indie underground?

Chime in!

Could the Jaded Viewer outsmart (or die horribly) against these infamous slasher icons?

I was watching an episode of Tosh.0 and Daniel Tosh started naming celebrities he thought he could beat up. It's pretty funny video and it got me thinking, if I were a final guy trapped in a horror movie, which top horror slashers could I outsmart?

Based upon my educational level, my vast knowledge of horror trivia, tactics and experience, I think I could do well against certain slashers and pretty much get sliced early on against others. So below you'll find a list of slashers and whether or not I could outsmart them and escape scot fuckin free.

I want you fellow jaded viewers and my horror blogger alumni to try this experiment as well. List a bunch of slashers and think really hard if you could come out a winner. Don't be asshole/douche and think you could really get away from all of them. Share your lists and we'll all pretend to be smart motherfuckers!

Here's mine!

1.) Jason Voorhees

the jaded viewer says: Fuck yeah I could outsmart Jason. I'm not that freakin clumsy, won't trip running away in the woods and I'm pretty sure I'm in decently physically fit cardio wise. Jason waits for you to board yourself up in a house or cabin in the woods. Fuck that shit.

I'm running all night, even in the dead of night until I reach pavement of a highway. I'll bring a water bottle with me.

2.) Freddy Kreuger

the jaded viewer says: When I dream, I'm totally not in control. I don't know how to dream properly (lucid dreaming or whatever it's called) and I'd totally get Inception killed by the son of 1000 maniacs.

3.) Michael Myers

the jaded viewer says: The king of slashers and the smartest maniac on the planet. Michael was calculated, methodical and damn clever. I wouldn't last 10 minutes if I was hanging out in front of the Haddonfield 7-Eleven.

4.) Jigsaw

the jaded viewer says: Fuck y'all. If I need to hack my arm off I'm doing it to live. But knowing Jigsaw, his traps always have a damn twist so my likely survival probably hovers around 20%.

5.) Chucky

the jaded viewer says: He's a fuckin doll. Outsmart Chucky? Hell I could actually kick his ass. I'll show him who's the Good Guy.

Name a slasher in the comments and in my follow up to this post, I'll let you know if I could win or die a horrific death. If you have a horror blog, choose a few slashers and ask yourself if you could beat these icons of horror.

Savage County (Review)

Savage County

Savage County (TV 2010)

Directed by David Harris

[this review is from The Jaded Viewer 2 DVD Giveaway Winner Kim K. She suffered through these awful flicks like a real soldier and for that I'm giving her a honorary jaded viewer gold star of awesomeness]

I was warned - these movies won’t be making any "best of" lists. Watching them was a test of will. I have a short attention span. I'm rating them not by spinkicks, but by how many failed attempts it took me to actually sit down with the movie long enough to watch until the end.

"Savage County"

David Harris is a first time director & this was a low budget, direct-to-video production. I have a soft spot for new artists trying to get an edge in, even if I’m not a fan; and judging by their Facebook page, he does have a following, which he is clearly catering toward. If you’re an 11-15 year old who is new to the horror genre & enjoyed the web series this was a spin-off from - you could potentially love this movie. It is the training bra of horror.

The plot follows a group of high school students about to graduate as they road trip out into the countryside one last time. When a prank goes wrong, the kids accidentally kill the eldest of a family of creepy homicidal hillbillies. Creepy hillbillies get pissed. Storyline marches forward into a watered down version of some of the most familiar (and successful) horror themes we know and love. (See: Deliverance, Texas Chainsaw, Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn, House of 1000 Corpses etc etc)

‘Recycled’ doesn’t necessarily resign a movie to a fate of suckage. When you’re playing to human fear, there are only so many threads to explore. Filmmakers in the genre build on and borrow from each other almost as a rule. But you’d better add something original to make it stick in people’s heads if you’re going that route. The fact that one of the hillbillies vaguely resembles Willie Nelson is not enough for me

As for the kids, we’ve got a small group of token everything out in this cornfield. The jocks, the cheerleader, the “good girl”, the punky loner, the nerd, the black kid. All of these stereotypes hung out together in your school too, right? There is one particularly useless girl back at base, whose sole job seems to be talking into a webcam and cueing awful music. The movie keeps awkwardly cutting back to her and it was precisely these moments that made me wonder if I needed to take another break.

The plot unfolds. Kids freak out after the accidental murder. Split up. Make one stupid decision after another. Cops get involved. Oops - cops are sided with the hillbillies. Hillbillies torture and pick off kids. The script remains one dimensional, and ends predictably while still leaving loose ends (I fear a sequel’s in the works); yet for a tween slasher-flick, it delivers what is expected and is certainly not the worst ever made. Though it did leave me feeling mildly lobotomized.

I rate this movie: 3 failed attempts.

Check out the trailer. I doubt you'll last :30 secs before you stop watching.

Dream Home (Review)

Dream Home

Dream Home (2011 - USA)

Directed by Ho-Cheung Pang

I take pride in watching Category III Hong Kong flicks. I loved the Anthony Wong driven The Ebola Syndrome and Dr. Lamb, video nasties that were fucked up beyond recognition. So it's been a while since I've seen a Cat 3 HK flick but having seen Dream Home litter a few best of 2011 lists, I knew I had to seek this beauty out.

And what did it do? It slaughtered a few of the other flicks from my 10 story top 10 list and moved right into the building (see what I did there?) Dream Home is an uber slasher exploitation film that not only will make inner gorehounds FAP but make the intellectual cinephile think and FAP as well. Rarely does a Cat 3 make you think. Usually you think you're gonna watch some vicious kills and see some boobies. But with a stellar performance by Josie Ho and director Ho-Cheung Pang satirizing the desire for the have nots to have at any costs, it's a tour de kill slasher film of 2011.

Dream Home does suffer with issues with realism, the kills are somewhat comic bookey and there is a serious issue with the use of flashbacks that may confuse some viewers. A subplot of affairs and pacing issues also hurts the film a bit as does the super strength of our uber killer. But all that aside, Cat 3 HK flicks have always had a bit of slapstick and oddness about them that makes them mesmerizing to watch.

Dream Home is my dream movie. Fuck yeah.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Cheng Li-sheung is a young, upwardly mobile professional finally ready to invest in her first home. But when the deal falls through, she is forced to keep her dream alive - even if it means keeping her would-be neighbors dead.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's break this down movie down by different sections of an apartment building.

The Lobby

Cheing Lai (Josie Ho) works as a telemarketer for a bank around 2007. She's a regular office drone leading a typical life (working 2 other jobs, taking care of her father and brother, being a mistress and whoring it...you know typical shit). However, she has a dream. She wants to live in an apartment looking over the ocean bay of Hong Kong. Despite her lack of funds to buy this apartment she is willing to do anything to make her dream come true.

It's not everyday a movie opens with some suffocation via plastic bag and plastic handcuff restraints. With Dream Home, you get sucked in and the movie starts to establish a pattern of Cheing Lai going to slasher school while we also get flashbacks of her life as a child which establish her motivations for what happens in the present.

The Living Room

Soon we start seeing our girl in action as she slaughters her would be neighbors all in one night. The odd part of this is I usually root for the slasher and was kinda mystified by my lack of cheering as it seems silly to kill your potential neighbors to bring the price down of an apartment. But the slaughter is magnificio! Our first kill scenes revolve around a pregnant woman who is brilliantly suffocated via suction (you gotta see this shit...fuckin crazy...see below)

....and the old reliable ocular trauma makes a cameo. But as the movie went on, Cheing Lai showed she was vulnerable, getting wounded in the midst of her battles and though we shouldn't empathize with a cold blooded killer, I was hoping she'd be OK.

Maybe it's because she's a woman but oh have Cat 3 flicks changed. Cheing Lai rivals Anthony Wong's throne of being the hardcore of hardcore slashers.

The Kitchen

I mentioned previously the movie employs ill timed flashbacks. First with Cheing Lai as a little girl whose family has to deal with being forcibly removed from their apartment by Triads working for greedy developers. Later she sees the plight of her family and the tole of her dad being sick and not being covered by health insurance.

The flashbacks show up without any notice and sometimes I got lost in where I was. Early on years were subtitled in but it's a bit confusing as one can't tell where we are with the story. I'll say the flashbacks do give you a glimpse of our slashereta's motivations of why this apartment by the sea is so important. Sure it's not justification to kill people but for a crazy insano like Cheing Lai, I guess it is.

The Bedroom

Ahh the bedroom, because that's where the good action all takes place. Cheing Lai's best kills when she home invades a group of Chinese hipsters, whores and drug dealer. The movie climaxes in the kill scenes here with a variety of creative kills ranging from intestine spillage, toilet trauma, glass beaker neck stabbings and wood to mouth Fangoria approved slaughter. And some J. Bobbitt. Because's what's a slasher movie without a penis trauma right?

It's a testament to non CGI-ness of it all. Cheing Lai also gets some luck to get out of the mess she's been in as the cops want to bust in and stop the madness. It's this ridiculousness that makes Dream Home a little fantastic. Can a dude still smoke a joint while his intestines are all over the floor? Dream Home says yes.

The Patio

With all this fuckin awesome slaughter, the movie poses a few ideas about why our mistress of slasher-dom does what she does. The movie satirizes what one is willing to do to buy her own home which in turns plays out the notion of how the housing crisis evolved. Sure Cheing Lai goes the fuckin beserk route to get the price down by the real estate agent by murdering a bunch of people in the building but in retrospect the working class, even the poor are willing to do what it takes to own their own home thus taking those shady deals from the Fannie Mays and other home brokerage companies. Should they have known better? Of course. But somebody should have told them it was wrong. These companies didn't.

As the flashbacks indicate, the HK government seemed to conspire with the mob and real estate developers to remove poor people from their homes in order to replace them with luxury high rises. It seems we can then conclude that the movie was implying that the working class wanted what was originally theirs. Cheing Lai is the embodiment of that.

The movie ends in irony and it's pretty obvious that nobody will live happily ever after. But what Dream Home establishes is a why in the midst of the chaos. The slasher genocides these people for her own selfish reasons but in a way the movie wants us to ignore that she's killed innocent people and empathize with her working class background.

Dream Home is intelligently designed to be an effective satire and an uber bloody and gory slasher which is to say, not an easy thing to do. Ho drives the movie, her performance yings to a woman who has lived harshly than yangs to her being a vicious, cold blooded motherfuckin killer.

I have not seen a HK Cat 3 movie that's left an impact this much like Dream Home. I think I've grown as a horror fan in that I'm not easily glamoured by wicked gore or spectacular splatter anymore. I expect my wickedly gory and spectacular splatter slasher flicks to say something about the world I live in.

Dream Home does just that.


Nude-ipedia

Whores show boobies
Simulated sex and BJs
I love Cat 3 nudity!

Gore-ipedia

See my descriptions above
So much awesomeness and creative kills, it should go into the Hall of Fame

WTF moment

The whore gets floor boarded

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Dream Home came out in Hong Kong in 2010 but was released in NA and EU in 2011. It's available on DVD via IFC Midnight. Rarely does one see a Cat 3 film and say that it's thought provoking. Usually I go and say that shit was hilariously fucked up. I can proudly say that it's both!

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

The Cabin in the Woods (Trailer)

Look at that release date from the poster. Hahahaha. It was suppose to come out 2 years ago! It's not surprising as The Cabin in the Woods was filmed in 2009. Director Drew Goddard with co-writer Joss Whedon had me salivating at this movie but it totally disappeared when MGM went bye bye.

Here be the plot:

“A group of five friends going on a quiet cabin retreat scratch the surface of something so massive and horrific that they can only begin to fathom what might possibly be going on just as time quickly runs out.”

Starring Chris Hemsworth (pre-Thor) and Whedon favorites Amy Acker (Fred!) and Fran Kranz (Topher!) I have to say I'm kinda psyched for this. Kranz looks to play final guy and can recite Whedon lines in his sleep.

And WTF is the weird invisible forcefield and unseen tech angle in all this??? Whedon is my Master now and if he wrote this, it can't disappoint. No fuckin way. Check out the trailer and share your thoughts.

Sweatshop (Review)

Sweatshop

Sweatshop (2009)

Directed by Stacy Davidson

"It's always the quiet ones that cut your dick off while you're not looking"

-Token black guy DJ

It's rare to see a film that takes the slasher formula and hammers in the gore relentlessly. If there is one thing that nails this down, it's Sweatshop, a splatter soaked gore-o-thon that gives us sex, beats and a big fuckin sledgehammer.

Director Stacy Davidson and writer Ted Geoghegan clearly went for the jugular in this film. I'll get to the gore in a second but the cast of characters who we'll get to meet are the anti-Hollywood Hollister/American Eagle bunch of white people. They're ravers/punk rockers/crustycore motley crew sorta bunch and kudos to the costume department for making them all stand out in their own way.

A few plot points are scattered around, a few LOLs dabbled in but the gorehounds will rejoice when "The Beast" and his banshee she-demons get their kill on. It's the gore and splatter that drives Sweatshop, make no doubt about it. It's not reinventing the slasher genre but it's making sure the definition is being 100% adhered to.

Sweatshop's The Beast is a slasher even Thor would be scared of.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of friends break into an abandoned factory in order to throw a impromptu party; unaware that it is not as empty as they originally believed.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I review every slasher flickwith my handy jaded viewer slasher checklist. Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Sweatshop achieve everything on this list?

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check. The Beast's backstory is never told, we don't even know why he wants to kill these glow stick motherfuckers. He's got a pimp fur coat and a welding mask and his fuckin large...like Butterbean large. I'm going to assume he's an inbred redneck as that's what I always assume.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Definite check. The raver-tastic Krystal Freeman who plays Lolli shows us her lovely lovelies (that's boobs) and it's mucho fantastico. Top it off with a sex scene with a fat guy and..... ::shivers::

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check. Clearly there's a final girl in here somewhere. We have Charlie, the greedy raver in charge, Scottyboy the mohawk sex fiend, Wade the hillbilly, Jade the malicious vixen, Lolli the slut, Miko the other slut and a token black DJ.

4.) No Plot?

Check. Kids have a rave in an abandoned warehouse where a Thor envy slasher kills them. What more you want?

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. I'll say that they went old school with this one.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hammer frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. Top notch over the top gore in this one. Severed heads via a hedge clipper, sliced heads via machetes, entrails and intestines ripped out and many many many splatter inducing, modified sledge hammer wallops that result in pancake ravers. Ocular trauma, penis trauma, hand trauma, neck trauma...there be a whole shitload of fuckin trauma in this.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Nope. Nothing. Nada. Nobody really takes charge. Everybody fends for themselves. Bunch of savages in this town.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

There are a few jokes that made me chuckle but overall it's the final rave scene at the end where The Beast goes exterminator on the raver "roaches" that had me laughing.

9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Nope.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Check.

************************************************************

Sweatshop isn't the most creative slasher movie but it's the most bloodiest one I've seen in a while. It's got its gimmicks (ravers doing ravy things) and a masked slasher with a weapon that would make Jason Voorhees jealous. The characters are your standard cardboard cutouts of not white teen suburbia but cutouts of what we think ravers dress and act like. I mean they had them drinking and smoking weed...but not doing meth or taking E? WTF?

By the end of the first hour, the body count is quite high and your waiting to see what the hell will happen in the final 30. And I'll admit it doesn't disappoint. It's a crazy gore soaked ending.

I've always said that if you have gratuitous nudity, some semi interesting characters and a formidable killing machine, you've made a decent slasher film in my book.

You may not have expected it, but Sweatshop cuts off a good solid dick.

Gore-ipedia

See checklist item #6

Nude-ipedia

Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous

WTF moment

That hammer is seriously pimped out

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Sweatshop is being distributed via Screen Media Films and was released on DVD September 13th. Sarah Jahier of Fatally Yours has a quote on the DVD box (which peaked my interest in watching this) and a Bloody Disgusting and Dread Central gave good reviews.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Like Sweatshop on Facebook!
• Follow Sweatshop on Twitter!
  

Rating:
1/2


Check out the trailer.

Tucker and Dale vs Evil (Review)

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2011)

Directed by Eli Craig

Sometimes looks can be deceiving and that's never been more evident in Eli Craig's Tucker and Dale vs Evil.

The fun in Tucker and Dale is that it takes the redneck/hillbilly slasher and turns it upside down. What if the hillbillies were just regular Joe Schmoes and the douchebaggy college kids were the dumb schmucks that caused 'da killin.

If you ever saw Wrong Turn, Friday the 13th. Texas Chainsaw and Hills Have Eyes films, you can grasp where this is going. It's been a while since I've seen a horror comedy that knows the genre its making fun of. All the stereotypical elements are dropped in from the music to the scary general store owner to Dale's maniacal laughter. But all are misunderstood elements that twist the hillbilly horror genre into a world of strange coincidences and full of LOLs.

It's a film that definitely holds its own in the Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland horror comedy pantheon of films. Tudyk and Labine are a comedic duo of devilish funnies. I'll say it right now. It may be the best horror comedy this year. It hits all the right banjo notes, is awesomely quick witted and a very clever parody of redneck slashers.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Tucker and Dale are two best friends on vacation at their dilapidated mountain house, who are mistaken for murderous backwoods hillbillies by a group of obnoxious, preppy college kids. When one of the students gets separated from her friends, the boys try to lend a hand, but as the misunderstanding grows, so does the body count.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The formula is followed to the tee. Group of douchebag, frat potheads head to West Virginia (I mean seriously where else could this movie take place?) for some camping fun. You got the polo shirt (collars up) dickhead frat boy, his goofy friends, the one hot blonde chick (Katrina Bowden), the slutty girl and get this TWO! token black people (a guy and girl). They are easily spooked by their surroundings as well as our heroes Tucker (Alan Tudyk) and Dale (Tyler Labine).

The misplaced stereotypes hit a mile a minute as our college kids think Dale is a carbon caricature of all that is redneck. But in reality Tucker, the confident thinker with dreams of a vacation home and Dale (a shy but smart bowler) are just regular folk doing regular things and somehow get caught up in a web of stupidity caused by our frightened college dweebs.

And the jokes are pure Three's Company like. From out of context conversations to Tucker yielding a smokin chainsaw, all the comedy revolves around Tucker and Dale's unfortunate events as they vacation and fix their vacation fixed upper. After they rescue Ally (the hottest blonde I have seen this year) after an accidental lake incident, she starts to realize Tucker and Dale are not what they thought they were. She and Dale bond because as you all know the fat guy always scores the hot chick.

But where Tucker and Dale shines are the ridiculous self deaths of our college kids. Impalements via trees, via sticks, via wood chipper and via gunshots are LOL hilarious. All are caused by the kids themselves with Tucker exacerbated tells the inept policeman: "Oh hidy ho officer, we've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house, when kids started killing themselves all over my property."

The movie does tend to drag a bit towards the end. A rescue goes awry and dogs are in danger. Ally goes all therapy session as Dale and Chad (our douchebaggy leader) try to talk things out. But the fiery conclusion is a bit over the top as Tucker and Dale try to rescue Ally from the clutches of Hollinger boy.

Tucker and Dale vs Evil is full of ridiculousness and genre cliches turned inside out. It works because the audience likes our heroes. Tudyk and Labine work well together acting as perfect clones of beer guzzling rednecks. Labine of course known for his work on Reaper and Mad Love (I remember him fondly for Dead Last) gives us the lovable unconfident fat guy he plays so well. Alan Tudyk (Firefly and Dollhouse 4 life!) is the perfect counterbalance to Dale. If your not a fan of The Tudyk, you will be after this flick.

Eli Craig makes this work because he knows what we look for in this sub genre. And by twizzler twisting it all around and making us root for Tucker and Dale, he's giving us a gimmick we haven't seen before. The movie has won a ton of awards via the festival circuit and a sequel is already being hinted at.

Whoever Tucker and Dale take on next is going to be in a world of hurt. Hurting from all the laughter they'll inflict to the audience.

Nude-ipedia

Katrina Bowden in skimpy outfits is hotter than any naked chicks

Gore-ipedia

Self inflicted deaths are o plenty and they are gruesomely hilarious
Impalements in various forms
Accidental fire combustion

WTF moment

The safety is off

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Tucker and Dale vs Evil will be released by Magnet Releasing and will come out on August 26th via VOD and September 30th in theaters.

This a must see for all horror fans. It's that damn good.

The Vitals

• The official site
  

Rating:


Here's the trailer.

Help get Before The Mask: The Return of Leslie Vernon made!

The best horror movie of 2007 needs your help for a sequel and from the synopsis it looks pretty interesting. Leslie Vernon wants to do a Part 2 and as you can see in the video below he needs your help to get it done.



By pre-ordering the BluRay/DVD and buying other stuff, YOU THE VIEWER help the film get made and ensure a sequel can be greenlit. BTM: The Return of Leslie Vernon is one of the best slasher mockumentaries in recent years and for them to follow up with a sequel would be insanely awesome. By PRE-ORDERING the movie, you help to get it made.



It's funny because just recently I wrote up this post about filmmakers bribing us for money and now I'm considering actually donating to get this made. Just like Indie GoGo and Kickstarter, there is a donation structure with the most expensive being:

• GET KILLED IN THE MOVIE! That's right every horror fans' wet dream come true! Air trans & hotel incl. Seriously low on avail. Limit 1 per person!: $7,500
  
  
  
  
• OWN LESLIE VERNON'S OUTFIT SCYTHE & MASK! The Ultimate B4TM collector's item! VFX will make 3 that Nathan Baesel will wear during filming: $5,000

I never said these sites were a bad thing, though I questioned the ridiculous donation structures to get the fans cash. But now I can see the benefits of such a venture. I may just buy the Blu-ray to help support the film.



There has been lots of talk of supporting indie horror. This is as supportive as you can be.



Head over to the official Facebook site for more info.

HELP LESLIE VERNON RISE FOR A SEQUEL!

5 Social Media Sites that would reinvent the horror movie

I've been thinking a lot how our lives have all changed with social media. I check my iPhone constantly. On the train to work, waiting for my food, on the shitter (yeah you do it, don't lie).

I'm pretty sure 95% of the people who are reading this are on Facebook. I'm betting 60% are on Twitter. Maybe 30% on Foursquare.



The funny part is that our horror movies don't reflect this. Every new horror movie you see, some poor soon to be dead schmuck is still on his Nokia flip phone. OK maybe I'm exaggerating as iPhones and Droids have popped up and touchscreens are the new cool phone (if there are appropriate product placement dollars anted up). But I figure that horror movies have always pushed the boundaries of being creative. Horror has always gone over the edge be it in their tolerance for gore or via nudity. It's the one genre where gimmicks can be experimented with to see how an audience will react.



So if I had my own studio, I'd start to try out new gimmicks. There have been preliminary attempts to incorporate social media into horror. Check out this pilot concept via Germany called Last Call where users would submit their number and one of the characters would call a random person in the theater asking for help. It's a different concept where a midnight crowd would have fun with. But I'd take it a step further.



Why not intertwine all 5 social media sites into your movie? Blend in real life with fiction. If you're thinking this sounds like an ARG (alternate reality game) you're not to far off. So I've listed below the benefits of how we could blend Web 2.0 into a horror movie. Of course this won't succeed without an actual awesome plot, colorful and interesting characters and kill scenes that are creative and inventive. And if it's a slasher film, we'll need a standout slasher with an aura of mystery. But look at the benefits these social media sites could offer. Here is what I would do.



5.) ARG



the jaded viewer says: OK not really a social media site, playing an ARG say on the official site would set the stage months before the release date of the movie. This has worked well with video games and movies already so its proven it drives interest into your film. This would be way above EA's Majestic but more in line with what ABC did with Lost or WB's The Dark Knight.



Say in order to solve a cryptic message from our killer, players had to go to real life places all around a major city or around the web. Sites would be created solely to make an intricate web of direction and misdirection. Back story could be filled in via fake sites and news articles.



The best thing an ARG does is to mix real world with fake world. Flyers in one city with a clue or a billboard in another city with another clue would build up hype like nothing that's ever been done before. An ARG is perfect for a horror movie, plain and simple.



4.) Facebook



the jaded viewer says: Obviously fake Facebook profiles are all the rage. Tons of movies have done them to create interest for their flicks. A Facebook page is one thing, but the creation of Facebook profiles and their friends from the movie would make it all seem to eerily real. This plays into the ARG of it all and tons of cool shit could be done. Weird Facebook messages left on our characters walls weeks before the "supposed events of the movie". That's some solid ARG-ing. Photos of said people would probably add some love to our characters (or fuel hatred for the haters). In any case, Facebook has to play a part in this because of its massive reach.



The best part is that you could add them as a friend and comment on their status updates. I mean obviously the Internet would be fueled by racist and dumb comments (its gonna happen) but for the people who want to play along, it's kinda cool.



3.) YouTube



the jaded viewer says: Obviously viral videos will play a part in intertwining our movie with our ARG. Footage of our characters or mock crime footage would play an appropriate part in getting the viewer intrigued. But I would take it a step further.



Just like the Last Call gimmick, I'd show a scene where our characters "discover" the footage online and the only way to see it is to go online and check it out. This would happen while watching the movie. OK OK. I know what your saying. Use your phone during a movie? WTF DUDE!!!



First the 3G would crazy explode (here's hoping WIFI can be installed in the theater). Plus who wants to fuckin start YouTubing during the movie. It's dark, its annoying and people are gonna get upset they have to do this. I'm thinking the same thing.



But KNOWING this is part of the movie would give it a cult film-ish feel. Like you're playing a part in the movie. I'm thinking you maybe could download this video before you go to the theater to avoid the massive bandwidth issues. Think if the views this video would get during each screening. I mean somebody could watch the video before they see the flick. It wouldn't make sense without any context but I'm sure a majority would go in to see the film blind and adhere to the social media rules.



It's only a problem if somebody doesn't want to play along and I think it's kinda fun to get to watch what the characters are watching and somehow piecing it all together.



2.) Foursquare



the jaded viewer says: The new kid on the block. How can checking into places be scary? Well by possibly leaving traces of where our characters are in relation to say the killer. I'm not Foursquare user but I figure somehow we can bleed Foursquare into real life locations. Maybe even use it to make fake locations where viewers can follow where our characters have been. It would also add a level of suspense by our killer or killers.



Killer X is now the mayor of the Leatherface Chainsaw factory.



or



Johnny Victim unlocked the "Being a douchebag" badge.



Clearly, I'm not really thinking this out to much but I'm sure we can make location play a factor into our movie.



1.) Twitter



the jaded viewer says: Clearly, this would be the apex of all social media tools to use in a horror movie. Viewers would follow the characters or the killer or whoever to see what they may be tweeting. And the thing is it would be a silent partner. What does that mean?



At different points in the flick, maybe during some discovery or tense scene, you'd have to check a characters Twitter account to see what's the what. The stuff happening on Twitter might be something happening off camera. I'd even go as far as when the movie premiered, it would be a live Twitter feed. I'm sure it would be hard to not check out the Twitter feed before the movie premiered. Maybe add a few tweets creating some pre-story and having that intertwine with the ARG, Facebook, YouTube and Foursquare elements.



Twitter's real timey-ness makes it a perfect tool to merge social media with horror.

*****************************************************************

Well these are just a few ideas rolling around my head. I'd like to think social media could amplify a horror movie in a way that's never been done before. I'm not that creative to come up with a story where all these things play a part but I'm sure somebody is. There have been movies where social media is a plot point in a horror movie but using the technology in a way where it blends reality/faux-reality has at least got to be attempted.



Now that I think of it, this is either the best idea I've ever had or the worst. Tweet me what you think.

Exit 33 (Review)

Exit 33



Exit 33 (2011)



Directed by Tommy Brunswick



Really? $20 to fill up a tank of gas?



Clearly this film takes place in bizarro world. Exit 33 is not a good movie. To say it's a piece of crap is to insult crap. I mean that poster says it all doesn't it? Kane Hodder and his menacing stare armed with a tire iron? This is the best you got for this man?



Sigh.



What could have been a Hodder Hatchet-like performance turns to crap. Exit 33 is the equivalent of Rebecca Black's "Friday" but with dead bodies. Let me use her lyrics to illustrate this:



[Verse 1]



7am, waking up in the morning

Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs

Gotta have my jerky, gotta have it smoked

Seein’ everything, the time is goin’

Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’

Gotta get down to the gas stop

Gotta kill some babes, I see my customers



Kickin’ in the front seat

Sittin’ in the back seat

Gotta make my mind up

Which girl can I kill?



[Chorus]



It’s Hodder, Hodder

Gotta get down with Hodder

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin

Hodder, Hodder

Gettin’ down with Hodder

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin



Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)

Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)

Fun, fun, fun, fun

Lookin’ forward to the Hodder



[Verse 2]



7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway

Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly

Fun, fun, think about fun

You know what it is

I got this, you got this

My friend is by my right

I got this, you got this

Now you know it



Kickin’ in the front seat

Sittin’ in the back seat

Gotta make my mind up

Which girl can I kill?



[Chorus]



It’s Hodder, Hodder

Gotta get down with Hodder

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin

Hodder, Hodder

Gettin’ down with Hodder

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin



Gettin’ down on Hodder

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend



Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)

Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)

Fun, fun, fun, fun

Lookin’ forward to the Hodder



Yesterday was a blonde girl, Thursday was a black girl

Today i-is brunette, Hodder (killin’)

We-we-we so excited

We so excited

We gonna have a ball today



Tomorrow is some random dudes

And Sunday comes after...wards (killin a hipster)

I don’t want this weekend to end



I won't include the rap verse. Wasn't that painful? Now you know.



Boring Plot-O-Matic



A few miles off Exit 33 lies Ike’s Last Chance Gas, an old, forgotten hideaway where the reclusive Ike pumps gas and practices his taxidermy skills. Though he might come across as a simple soul, Ike has a dark secret: he’s obsessed with women who have enchanting eyes — eyes he wants to keep for himself. Now, as four friends make their way to their 5-year high school reunion, they all make the mistake of taking Exit 33, and they won’t be making it back to the highway any time soon.



Awesome Review-O-Matic



I decided to tweet out my thoughts as I watched and hit up a couple of awesome horror bloggers Fred from Full Moon Reviews, Matt from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, CTK from Planet of Terror and Geof at The Man Cave. Here our a few of their tweets surrounding the most important portions of the flick.



INITIAL THOUGHTS



fredthewolf: It's not a good flk at all. Hodder is the best part about it. I was bored watching it.



Mattsuzaka: It's not, but it's slightly entertaining in its ineptitude. I enjoyed it as a low-level B-Movie, that's about it (and) when I saw it had a 2.8 on IMDB, I had a good idea what I was in for!



realmancave: if you haven't watched Exit 33 yet, you are luckier than me.



THE CUSTOMERS



So Kane has kills because his dead wife tells him to or some such nonsense. However, nobody notices and Ike seems to get a ton of customers. This is summed up nicely by Matt and Fred in a few tweets.



Mattsuzaka: You have to wonder how this dude gets so much business when he certainly isn't getting repeat costumers!



fredthewolf:And no one ever wonders about the abandoned cars that park on the same spot of the road. Sigh...



THE DRIVING SCENES



Speaking of the road, the driving scenes are LOL bad.



fredthewolf: BTW, fave part were the driving scenes. Haven't seen backgrounds that good since Airplane!



planetofterror: that movie is so fucking terrible. Worst green screen scenes ever.



THE HODDER



But the reason we all watch this is for the Hodder. But it seemed like Kane was really giving much effort on this film. Here are mine and Geof's tweets on Kane's performance.



jadedviewer: I'm watching exit 33. Kodder is like giving it 13 percent effort in this flk.



jadedviewer: This Kane Hoddef flk is the "4 the paycheck" equivalent of Tony Todd doing those final destination flks



jadedviewer: Kane is just randomly punching women in the face. This should be a sitcom



jadedviewer:Kane's trademarked menacing stare just made a cameo! Oh wait his face is always like that



realmancave: Kane from WWE would have mailed in a better performance than Kane Hodder.





THE BATHROOM



More killin ensues via ocular trauma, slice and dice (you figure out where he the jerky comes from) and then our final girl shows up. This then gives our first look at the bathroom which has no stall doors, is covered in blood and filth and shit and doesn't have toilet paper!



Mattsuzaka: It reminded me of a time when I had to take a shit at a bar during a metal concert. The stall didn't have a door. That was scarier than Exit 33. Well, except for the crappy gas quality.



fredthewolf: Yeah, she was pretty hot. But I'm not into girls who use shitty toilets without paper on the seat 1st.



Suffice it to say, the only way you can get through a horrible film like this is to RiffTrax/MST3K it with some horror blogging friends. Exit 33 is boring, dull and a waste of the Hodder. If only they auto-tuned it, maybe it would have turned out better.



Nude-ipedia



A sex scene with clothes on is not acceptable under any circumstances for a horror movie



Gore-ipedia



Tom Savini is spinning in his grave (oh wait he's alive)



WTF moment



Kane punches women in the face...randomly



The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis



The movie is now out on DVD via Breaking Glass Pictures horror arm Vicious Circle Films. If you need to worship the Hodder, watch it. All others don't exit on Exit 33. I gave it 1/2 a spinkick because my review is awesome because of this crappy film.



The Vitals

• The official site
• Read Chuck Norris Ate My Baby Review of Exit 33
• Read Full Moon Reviews Review of Exit 33
• Follow Matt on Twitter
• Follow Fred on Twitter
• Follow Geof on Twitter
• Follow CTK on Twitter
  
  

Rating:

1/2 a



Check out the trailer.

The Anniversary at Shallow Creek (Review)

The Anniversary at Shallow Creek

The Anniversary at Shallow Creek (2010)

Directed by Jon D. Wagner

[screener provided by Breaking Glass Pictures]

"I did not go on vacation to die"

-One of the characters who dies in The Anniversary at Shallow Creek

Sigh.

If the Dharma Initiative dropped horror movies on the Island, this one would be labeled "GENERIC HORROR MOVIE". It's pretty clear from the beginning to the end of The Anniversary at Shallow Creek that we're going to be accosted by horror cliche after horror cliche. And it's a relentless onslaught of cliches. And these aren't BB gun bullets, their armor piercing cliches that are the size of watermelons.

You might be asking what kind of cliches could go through the jaded viewer's bullet proof jadedness? Let's start with the poster's "inspired by true events". C'mon, this plot is to ridiculous to be real. Add in stereotypical cardboard cutout oversexed white kids, a trip to a cabin in the woods (or the desert?) and a masked sniper killer and it's cliche land, where all your horror cliches come true.

Shallow Creek recycles old horror plots, adds a supposed twist and is so predictable you'd start believing your psychic. I tweeted to fellow horror blogger Michael Allen of 28 Days Later Analysis that I was viewing this film (he had already reviewed it) and I guessed the killer 15 minutes in. He totally confirmed my suspicions. It's shit like this that offends us horror bloggers. We're to smart for a film like this and for an uneducated horror viewer, they're bound to probably think it's the next Scream.

Suffice it to say, only a movie like this would make me wish for the lone pseudo innocent kid to die.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When Sam and Paige decide to escape the stress of medical school for a romantic getaway in the mountains outside L.A., their four best friends end up tagging along and turning it into a weekend of partying. Little does the group know that their beautiful lodge has a dark history: exactly one year before, the house was the scene of a grisly double murder - and the killer was never caught. Now, as night falls and the group drinks beer by the bonfire, a predator hides in the darkness, watching them all through the crosshairs of a sniper rifle. In an instant, the friends' night of partying turns into a bloody fight for survival.

The Anniversary at Shallow Creek is a slick homage to horror classics and a clever update of the genre that never leads where the audience suspects. As the kill count rises, the remaining friends find themselves to be pawns in a horrifying game - one that promises to test their survival skills and the strength of their relationships.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

For this review, I'm going to quiz you on what you would do when faced with an actual horror cliche from this movie. Your job is to pick what the MAIN CHARACTERS chose to do.

Got it? Let's get it on!

1.) You've got to study for your final medical exams, but your girlfriend wants to get freaky at your secluded uncle's cabin in the woods. What do you do?

A.) Invite all your douchebag friends to the your secluded uncle's cabin in the woods
B.) Fuck the cabin, get freaky with your GF in your apartment
C.) Study for your exams ensuring yourself a career and long life
D.) Play Modern Warfare on your XBox 360

The answer is A. The clear cut cabin in the woods formulaic cliche gets this film started. Turns out the locals seem fucked up as well. Did anybody not see Deliverance?

2.) You've heard over the TV that 2 teens got murdered in this neck of the woods a year ago today. At the cabin you meet the suspicious overly friendly neighbor. You're horror spider sense is tingling. What do you do?

A.) Party on!
B.) Head back to civilization
C.) Party on by dropping roofies in the girls drinks
D.) My spider sense is probably on the fritz

The answer is A. Remember, these horny college white kids have a limited brain capacity. Sex and beer (and this is for both males and females). There is actually no depth to these characters. I mean I actually don't remember any of their names. I think their was a blonde, a brunette, a dorky kid. The one redeeming quality is the girls got softcore. I mean no nudity at all in this flick. Just some bra and panties PG-13 crap.

3.) A 11 year old kid shows up and wants to hang with you awesome bro's. Do you....

A.) Let the kid hang out with you, shoot a BB gun and join in on party
B.) Tell the kid to go home
C.) Tell the kid to go the fuck home
D.) Tell the kid to go the fuck home because you plan on getting your freak on

The answer is A. Why is their a fuckin kid dying to hang out with you douchebags? Isn't that all suspicious?

4.) You're sitting at a campfire drinking beer and toasting marshmallows and your friend gets his head blown off by a sniper. Do you....

A.) Head inside, lock the doors and find a cell phone
B.) Make a break to the car and high tail your way out of Dodge
C.) Start freaking out and take cover
D.) See B.

The answer is A. The movie started resembling Kill Theory (which I liked) and its all about survival. Where that film started pitting the characters against each other (plausible) everybody in this film wants to help each other survive (totally not plausible). When faced with a life and death situation, people think about themselves. That's what people do. And it actually makes for a solid horror theme.

5.) The killer is taunting the remaining survivors by strewing the bodies of victims throughout the house. Do you....

A.) Go to an isolated part of the house and lock yourself in
B.) Use the darkness as cover to make a grand escape
C.) Find a weapon to defend yourself
D.) Make a grand stand against your attackers

The answer is A. I have no idea why'd they do this. It's so fuckin stupid.

6.) You're a girl tied up and told to make a decision. Kill your brother or your boyfriend. What do you do?

A.) Kill your brother
B.) Kill your boyfriend
C.) Kill yourself
D.) Once they untie you, reach for the scalpel they gave you and try to stab the killer with it.

I'm not going to give you the answer on this one but here's a hint. She should have totally went with D but she didn't.

Did you get everything right? No? Then you may need to watch more horror films. There is some sort of twist but I'll be damned if it makes any sense. It has something to do with an anniversary. The ending is drawn out as it tries to prove to the viewer how clever the writers were when they made this bullshit up.

The Anniversary at Shallow Creek is full of countless cliches, ranging from 1st person camera creeping in shots to loud BA BOOM! sounds to get you to jump. It didn't have a mirror scare but get this, no cell coverage is replaced with the fact they couldn't even find their cell phones! The acting is atrocious as is the odd montage scenes bridging the last acts together.

It's a muddled mess of nonsense where motive is clearly ambiguous. The double whammy ending made me mad and I almost punched my TV. If they did a double feature of this film and Drew Goddard/Joss Whedon Cabin in the Woods (which hasn't been released yet) you would probably get to see what they were going to make fun of in terms of cliches.

Dammit, when is that film coming out?

Avoid this movie and search out other newly released films from Breaking Glass Pictures. As 28DLA suggested, go with Dawning which was a solid flick.

Gore-ipedia

Blown up cranium
Slice and dice
Neck trauma
Gunshot splatter

Nude-ipedia

There's more nudity in a copy of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue than in this film

WTF moment

The ending after the ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

It's a generic horror movie. You'll have more fun watching your screen saver than this film.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Facebook Page
• Breaking Glass Pictures Shallow Creek Page
  

Rating:
1/2 a


Check out the trailer.

Director Eric England defends "cliched" Madison County trailer

I usually only post a trailer of an upcoming horror movie if I really like the flick or I think it's inventive, creative or unique. We can watch these trailers anywhere, so there really is no need to post it up on the jaded viewer.

But I did get a press release for an upcoming slasher film called Madison County and I checked out the trailer. So what's this about?

Madison County is about a group of college students that travel to a remote, mountain town called Madison County to interview the author of a tell-all book on the accounts of the grisly murders that happened in the town over two decades ago.

Upon their arrival, the author is no where to be found and the townspeople state that they've "not seen him in years." They also deny that Damien Ewell, the notorious murderer, ever existed and that the murders never happened. As the kids start to dig around to get their own answers, they come to find that the stories, and Damien, maybe more real than the townspeople are letting on.

Now check out the trailer.

Let's break this down like Donkey Kong.

• Naked blonde girl running on a dirt road
  
• Redneck Cannibal Town, USA
• Dumb urban college students
• Private Property? Fuck that!
• Deserted house with wind chimes!
  
• Slasher with pig mask and big fuckin ax
• Local townie that warns dumb Ambercrombie and Fitch dumb white kids to leave
  
• Quickly edited running around montage
  
• Slasher swing and a miss
• Hostages with no hope of surviving
• A random oozing of blood
• A name to our slasher that sounds really familiar
• Face molestation
• Title Card!
• "Inspired by True Events" declaration
• Last "scare" shot

Yeah I just listed many of the cliches and slasher formulas we've seen before.

So why am I talking about a cliched upcoming slasher flick? Because it's a cliched slasher flick. The director of Madison County Eric England recently wrote an interesting article defending his movie and trailer in his blog which you can find here.

He wrote: "I didn't pitch this film as "the most original slasher film ever made" when I tried to get it made. In fact, slasher films themselves have been done to death. But that's exactly why I wanted to make Madison County. I LOVE Slasher films. Love them. And I want to see them live on."

He goes on to say that he loved Adam Green's Hatchet and that most movies are retelling of the same stories over and over again. Well this got me thinking. Can I really bash Madison County's trailer because I think it has those overused slasher cliches when I wrote a review of Hatchet and Hatchet 2 praising the slasher cliches in Adam Green's films?

Ah ha you're saying right now. Would I be a hypocrite for doing such a thing? Am I contradicting myself for asking indie horror filmmakers to make creative and new films but praising films that follow the same old formula? For instance, I liked Laid to Rest for being a cliched sorta new slasher film and Slither for being an homage monster slug movie. If I like those Hollywood is going to keep remaking those flicks. I'm just contributing to the Hollywood machine aren't I?

Regular loyal jaded viewers know I support indie horror and will try to hold judgement on a movie before I see it. But when I watch a trailer that seems generic, I kinda start forming an opinion in my head. After seeing so many horror movies, especially slasher flicks you know what's coming. You know all the tricks, the stereotypical characters, the BOO! shots. The one thing that Hatchet had going for it was the kill scenes were pure blood drenched gore-tastic moments that made your jaw drop....literally.

So I make a call out to Mr. Eric England.

I want to know what's different about Madison County from the other slasher films we've all seen? Explain to me why I should see college kids get sliced and diced in Redneck Country, USA by a slasher in a pig's mask?

Every new slasher is a little different, has a unique backstory and can kill in new and inventive way. I'm hoping Damien has a little creativity in him. Hell he has some farm supplies he can arm himself with. Let me know what's going to separate Madison County apart from the rest. That's all I ask.

As for my fellow jaded viewers, my question is this. Are we all being hypocritical when we praise a slasher flick filled with the same old cliches but demand Hollywood stop making remakes?

What do you all think?