The WTF List: Scream 4

Well it took me a year later and I finally watched the meta first master at work, Wes Craven. Yes folks, I watched Scream 4. I'm well aware that New Nightmare is the one of the ones that started it all and so I give the man his due. But clearly I'm in a Cabin in the Woods state of mind and having seen that beaut of a flick before Scream 4 has warped my tiny little horror mind.

Here's a few tweets I shelled out while watching.

@jadedviewer Watching scream 4. It's amazing there hasn't been product placement from Verizon claiming excellent 4g coverage in woodsboro

@jadedviewer Chromeskull should be asking for royalties from scream 4.

@jadedviewer The thing about scream 4 is even though the characters are knowledgeable of horror flks they still follow the conventions. It's meta to a pt

That last tweet sums up what I kinda thought. But here's a WTF List to add to it all.

1.) The intros were quite catchy I must admit. Though I love my bimbos blonde and perky
2.) I can't believe they brought back the originals....kudos.
3.)  I can honestly predict the killers in the first 15 min. I'm fuckin uncanny X-Men with a lame super power.
4.) I hope one day Emma Roberts does Pretty Woman 2
5.) Hayden Panettiere's mandatory wardrobe in any movie or TV show should be a cheerleader's outfit
6.) I guess I'm getting tired of the movie within a movie references...that or I'm old
7.) Have all the noobs seen the original trilogy?
8.) Clearly they are pointing out the fact the hatred of the American horror remake system. Oh Dimension, you are so fuckin guilty yourself
9.) Thank goodness for these films or Neve Campbell would be at the tent at Chiller Theatre in NJ
10.) The movie cop ineptness is a thankless job. It's hard to this stupid.
11.) This clearly had the best phone coverage of any horror movie I've ever seen. No dropped calls!
12.) They still have cinema clubs in high school?
13.) I'll admit, I've never seen Peeping Tom.
14.) The knife still looks fake (pun intended)
15.) The end monologue and motivation from the killer is daftly clever. It's scary in a way that makes you think.
16.) The victim fodder still do the most horror cliche-eey things. Alison Brie doesn't stay in her car? Call 911? Though her chest jiggling makes me happy
17.)  I'm thinking the Ghostface outfit isn't the most comfortable slasher uniform.
18.) I know millennials watch the horror classics I grew up watching and laugh at them.
19.) The horror trivia had me SMH.
20.) Scream 4 is part meta, part remake zingers

Scream 4 wasn't bad. I actually liked it and I had no doubt Craven/Williamson would make a film worthy of the name. It's a repackaged, re imagining of the original and it made me smile for it's witty self awareness. But all in all, it's a sequel and I've come to accept what this franchise is.

I always thought Billy's line was brilliant.

"...don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!"

 Actually, that's not the case anymore. It seems in Scream 4, it makes them copy the original.

10 Hipsterish Things Some Horror Fans Say and Do

I wrote on my Facebook page:

Everybody should calm down and stop being elitist horror fans for a sec because you saw Battle Royale. How about the fans who READ the book? They're more hipster than the ppl who saw the movie. But they better not make a film about Ennis Preacher or I'm gonna bust heads....

Well don't I sound all fuckin hipserish right??? It got me thinking that we horror fans say and do some hipsterish things (sometimes we realize it, sometimes we don't). Oh I do them too, don't get me wrong. But when you think of horror fans in their late 20s, early 30s and older there is a level between these age gaps that have them acting like the vile Williamsburg scum we all despise. We are all guilty. Girls, that dark eyeliner is horror hipster-nista. Dudes, that beard you're growing? Alpha hipster. Here are few of the things I notice. I'm gonna get shit from this I know. Fuck.

1.) Anything made in the 70s and 80s is a fuckin cult classic

Remember, millennials think Scream is a cult classic and that was made in the 90s.

2.) We tell noobs to see the originals before the remakes

Sure Hollywood bastardizes the originals but some of our "originals" are remakes too.

3.) We're too good to see a movie based on a bestseller because we saw a cult movie based on a cult best seller

What could I be talking about?

4.) We all wear ironic horror t-shirts with humorish text or 80s slasher nostalgia

Yup I own a few of these Fright Rags.

5.) We constantly refer to Cannibal Holocaust and Blair Witch Project as the best found footage flicks. Everything else sucks.

Many of you will disagree with this. I just want another cannibal movie.

6.) We rage when Hollywood skull fucks our childhood by remaking horror movies, yet we go en masse and see these shitty movies

How ironic right?

7.) We all have horror blogs

I just called myself a horror hipster douche bag. I'm a sonnavabitch.

8.) We tell noobs that we've seen obscure, foreign, hard to find, banned video nasty films.

Most of these are on Amazon.com.

9.) We also say the French, Japanese, Chinese, Canadian, British, German make the best horror flicks these days.

We don't watch any of these because we hate subtitles.

10.) We've all met Kane Hodder, Ken Foree and Tiffany Shepis at some horror convention.

And we've all made that our Facebook profile photo.

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Guilty as charged? What other shunning the mainstream things have horror fans done they may not be aware of? Now I'm going to watch Addio Zio Tom because you never heard of it.

5 Horror Movies Hollywood will NEVER remake (because they don't know how to)

OK, maybe I shouldn't have said NEVER. Because knowing Hollywood, anything is possible if they think they can make a buck. Hell I was going to put Hitchcock's The Birds on this list but according to IMDB there is a remake on the way. Sigh.



I always assume Hollywood would never touch the horror classics to remake. And you'll see some are on this list. But here are 2 flicks that probably won't be remade either.



HONORABLE MENTIONS



Cannibal Holocaust



the jaded viewer says: No way Hollywood exploits this exploitation masterpiece. I mean its still offensive today as it was 1980. But then again, a remake of Faces of Death is on the way so I could be wrong.



Jaws



the jaded viewer says: I'm pretty sure Spielberg will never make a remake or allow a remake of his classic to ever appear on screen again. We can kinda make movies around a killer shark (ahem Shark Night 3D) or different killer fish (ahem Piranha 3D) but a whole remake with all the classic characters. Never gonna happen.



Here's the top 5.



5.) The Blair Witch Project



the jaded viewer says: Surely the classic 1st person/shaky cam/found footage originator is going to be remade at some point right? But like I say, I don't think Hollywood knows how to remake a movie where the characters are pseudo real people. You might think they'd just rewrite it a bit and show the scares we all saw in 1999. But part of the creativeness of BWP was the actors had no idea what would happen. Could Hollywood attempt to do this today? They could but it would probably turn into the campers tweeting their way into the woods.



4.) Freaks



the jaded viewer says: Just like Cannibal Holocaust, this would be waaaay offensive to remake in this day and age. Currently, Freaks is #23 on the best horror movies of all time on IMDB. Remember, real midgets and the like were cast and I'm assuming little people (I think that's what they want to be called) would absolutely freak out (see what I did there?) if this was remade. It's exploitation genius back in 1932 is now sadly a buried genre today. Hollywood knows this would be toxic, never ever to be remade.



3.) Suspiria



the jaded viewer says: Hollywood I don't think will ever remake Dario Argento's classic because well they don't have a clue about how to make Italian Giallo. And because Argento's Giallo totally went into a clusterfuck with the whole Adrien Brody thing, we'll probably never see any attempt at Hollywood to revitalize this genre. It's probably better this way as it's hard to imagine Argento allowing this to happen.



2.) The Exorcist



the jaded viewer says: Sure there have been prequels, but there has never been a mention of a whole remake of the classic. And Hollywood knows, if they fuck it up they would be totally screwed. But I don't doubt Hollywood wouldn't try it but it's hard to think they'd do it half ass. Attempting a remake would be so fuckin scary for Warner Bros. they know nothing and I mean nothing would change how we feel about the original. Every actor/actress cast, every production still, every little change to the story would be super analyzed in this Web 2.0 day and age.



Would you watch a remake of this classic? It might be the first one where viewers actually boycott a remake of a film. OK I'm probably going a bit overboard there.



1.) Brain Dead



the jaded viewer says: It's to be argued if Peter Jackson's Braindead is the penultimate zombie flick of all time. It's definitely top 5 zombie film of all time. And with zombies somehow still bankable in the Hollywood system, you would think one studio exec would be like "well we could remake Braindead. It's like on every top 10 zombie movie of all time list". It's amazing there hasn't been any rumor of this being remade.



And that's why it will probably be never remade. Because there is no possible way to remake Jackson's gore soaked classic without resorting to CGI stupidness. And if you're thinking that Jackson himself would remake his own classic (or even make a sequel) I think he's probably to big time to do it.



In any case, one of the greatest gore and splatter flicks will remain untouched from Hollywood's hands...and seriously that's a damn good thing.

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OK am I wrong with these picks? Which of these flicks do you think has a good chance of being remade? Any other flicks you think should be on this list?



Sound off jaded viewers.

The Jaded Viewer's Predictions for 2011

I had a few features I wanted to write about what we should all expect in 2011 via film but they all sorta made sense to go list a few Nostradamusisy predictions instead. When in doubt, always go with a list I always say. Who knows what 2011 will bring in the world of horror but I'm going out on a limb with my guesses and predictions.

If any of these come true, I've got proof I'm psychic. Now place your bets.

1.) Steampunk will be Hollywood's Newest Exploitation

With Sucker Punch coming out which will probably be the equivalent of 300 in terms of success, Zach Snyder will initiate a Hollywood bandwagon for all that is steampunk.

2.) We're going to see a lot more Exorcist type movies

With The Rite comes out this month, we're going to see more devil in a child movies. The Last Exorcism's succes and Exorcismus, this is just the tip of the iceberg for devils vs priests.

3.) We're going to see less horror remakes

Just because Hollywood's already milked the shit out of every horror franchise

4.) Remember shaky cam shot on video cinema? We're going to get a film like that every month.

And it's going to be in 3D.

5.) Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods will be better than Kevin Smith's Red State

Two fan bases collide but somehow Whedon will prevail because his movie will be funnier.

6.) Zombies and Vampires will jump the shark....say hello to werewolves

With Teen Wolf coming to MTV, I smell more howling wolves coming to the big screen.

7.) There will be less Exploitation and Grindhouse throwback flicks

Sure I'm going to see Hobo with a Shotgun but we're going to see indie filmmakers turn their backs on these type of flicks.

8.) Gladiator movies will make a comeback

From Spartacus to Hercules to Conan, we're going to see more overgrown men with swords slicing and dicing.

9.) We will have 1 hyped up Japanese or Korean remake

I hope it comes from Takashi Miike or Chan Wook Park.

10.) The French will blow us away with a horror flick (which will probably end up #1 on my Top 10 List for 2011)

They've been quiet for a while. I think they're going to make a flying zombie film that's somehow intellectually stimulating.

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OK that's my list. What's yours? What are your predictions for 2011?

The WTF List: The Crazies (Review)

The Crazies I've noticed has ended up on a lot of Top 10 lists of late. Because I'm always late I figured needed to see this to see what's the what. So what's the what? It was OK. A decent horror remake that actually lives up to the original by making it modern and believable. I'm not sure this movie is making the Top 10 of my list but it was filled with some good moments and a few moments of utter panic.

The Crazies gets a WTF List because you've all seen it already and I drank some tainted water.

On to the list!

1.) Wow, Iowa looks demographically correct. I didn't spot one minority in the entire flick. Hollywood went believable in this one.
2.) I like my crazy in small morsels of childacide
3.) If you've got a bonesaw in a movie...it has to be good
4.) Never humanize the gas mask wearing army... I like my military vague and scary
5.) That is Radha Mitchell as the hot blonde doctor...I forget sometimes my Pitch Black cast members at times
6.) One thing you can count on is redneck hunters will kill for sport whether or not they are infected or not
7.) Pitchforks aren't utilized in enough horror movies...somebody bring us the pitchfork slasher!
8.) If you got a flamethrower in a film, you've won points on my scorecard.
9.) I thought Iowans were good citizens and did everything the government told them...you know like dying.
10.) Oh mama, what a carwash scene. This is your WTF Moment and it's a helluva scene. Note to self - go to bikini car washes only
11.) Everybody turns crazy eventually...that's why you have to be friends with people who already crazy....because they turn normal...or more crazy. I'm not sure which.
12.) So if the wife gives birth will the baby be crazy too? I wanna see crazy baby in its own movie.
13.) Knife through the hand trauma through the neck trauma was pretty good trauma
14.) I realized I would be screwed during some sort of mass population apocalypse. I have no hand to hand combat skills, no firearms and I can't run really fast. But the one skill I do have is that I can mooch on people that do have those things.
15.) I've been to Des Moines, Iowa. That's the most middle of America I've ever been to.
16.) If your acting crazy in New York, we'd give you our loose change.
17.) There has gotta be better containment procedures than killing everybody. You know, maybe give them 20 Advils...or better yet 3 Aleves.
18.) A bomb being detonated in Iowa wouldn't prevent me from not going to work the next morning...that fallout is like a million miles away
19.) They should have had the same character in Romero's Crazies where they had the crazy scientist.
20.) Was it better than the remake? Ehhhhh it was OK. But with DADT now repealed I think we'll have a less eviler army, don't you?

Now, I'm going to drink my bottle of Fiji water. I doubt its tainted.

EXCLUSIVE!!! A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake Review)

A Nightmare on Elm Street

A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake -2010)

Directed by Samuel Bayer

I must be the luckiest man in NYC. Somehow the stars aligned again and after I got to see an early screening of Kick-Ass, I couldn't believe I got to watch the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street yesterday. April is starting out super awesome!

But my dream turned into a nightmare after I saw this turd of a turd.

Sorry folks, it's a big giant pile of heaping crap.

And I'm not alone. The crowd at the theater was equally vomitus. Towards the middle of the flick during a gratuitous chase scene that lacked any suspense, somebody yelled "Freddy you suck!" At this point everybody applauded, laughed and tossed their remaining refreshments at the screen.

I too joined in. So why the unhappiness for our Dream Master? Let's find out with a Q&A.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A re-imagining of the horror icon Freddy Krueger, a serial-killer who wields a glove with four blades embedded in the fingers and kills people in their dreams, resulting in their real death in reality.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

This NOES remake doesn't even deserve 10 Q&As so I'm going with 5. Let's get crackin!

1.) I heard Freddy Kreuger is in this and only has 1st degree burns. He also has "a different outfit" he wears other than the sweater, fedora and glove. Is this true?

Yes folks. The burnage is sad to say the least. It's like Freddy got singed by boiling water. The makeup here is atrocious. And the different outfit is true my horror minions. He wears an almost clownlike "alternate" outfit towards the end of the flick.

My jaw dropped. The bastardization of Freddy had only yet begun.

2.) So how's the new Nancy? I heard she gets naked in that bathtub scene and you see boobage. So is it a shot by shot remake from the original scene?

You see some side boobage but the other good solid nudity comes from Skinemax stars playing high school cheerleaders. You'd think this scene would be solid but Platinum Dunes spins this into a dream sequence that is littered with cliches. From mirror scares, to hallucination scares to some cackling and those damn kids jumping rope, this entire scene and movie could be labeled "CLICHED HORROR MOVIE" by the Dharma Initiative.

3.) Damn man, wasn't there anything good in this flick? C'mon the gore and splatter are fuckin A right? I heard Freddy performs some ocular trauma on an unsuspecting nerd.

Dude, the 2 words I hate to hear in any horror flick are in full effect here: CGI gore. Sigh. I mean this CGI gore makes Diary of the Dead look like Savini effects. Sure you get some solid dream deaths, one in particular involving a locker that you don't want to open as well as Jesse getting some much needed R&R to hell. But Freddy's actual kills with the beloved glove are the worst since Revenge. You have an awesome weapon and they underutilize it here.

4.) Is Freddy going to go all Stand Up Improv or will he make me pee in my pants?

Haley is horrible as Kreuger. Some of the one-liners are flat and his scary-tude is non existent. But that's not the worst part...oh no folks.

Here we go with the giant screaming head twist!

FREDDY KREUGER IS INNOCENT!!!!

Yup he didn't molest or kill those kids. I'm not going to tell you who really did it but this is why the audience was going bonkers. They singlehandidly destroyed the mythos in 90 minutes. Why or why Platinum Dunes?!?! You sonnavabitch.

Gore-ipedia

Not even gonna get into this. I mean it had 100% CGI gore. That doesn't count.

WTF moment

Umm dude he's innocent.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

OK, my last Q&A is below. Scroll down after the picture if you want to read a BIG ASS SPOILER. Seriously, you'll want to read this.

Rating:

0 Spinkicks!!!

5.) Is this review one big April Fool's joke?

Oh yeah. 100%. I didn't see the movie and I have no idea what the fuck happens. Shit, the flick could have unicorns as far as I know. In any case dude, if Freddy turns out innocent we all should riot.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Did I fool you? You should no better....it's April fuckin first.

Happy April Fool's Day!

The Trailer