The WTF List: Sucker Punch

I'm a sucker for movies where the critics just tear up the film. So realizing that Sucker Punch which got a 22% rotten rating on Rotten Tomatoes and also the fact I decided to have some fun with the production stills I HAD to watch this for myself.

And I'll admit after watching the whole damn thing, I don't really know exactly what the purpose of Baby Doll (Emily Browning) mission was to "escape" is exactly. But whatever. I'll admit, seeing hot actresses wearing skimpy clothing kicking ass with a full orgy of CGI at Zach Snyder's disposal is not too bad as one might imagine.

So on to the WTF List.

1.) As this being my first Emily Browning flick, she is damn hot.
2.) It's PG-13 but basically they're at a speakeasy where the customers fuck the dancers. Yup totally PG-13 in my book.
3.) Steampunkers are weeping as they watch this
4.) I've never seen samurai statues get smashed by a hot blonde girl in a sailor moon outfit (how can one not like that?)
5.) It's American live action anime in a nutshell.
6.) Let me just say this. I'm a big Jena Malone fan.
7.) I'm also a big Jamie Chung fan. I have no idea who Abbie Cornish is. And I have indeed seen Vanessa Hudgens naked.
8.) Nazi zombies vs an A-team of hot girls. Seriously...how can one not enjoy watching this?
9.) So the "dances" are actually the action scenes. Clearly OLD ME understands this film concept but TWEEN ME can't get enough of seeing Emily Browning do backflips and Jena Malone shooting a gun that weighs more than her
10.) I forgot to mention this is the hottest mental institution...well evaaaaaar. I'd like to get declared insane and sent to this place.
11.) Dragons make everything better.
12.) The fact that all these actresses are like super hot makes every scene tolerable to watch.
13.) The CGI is all style and pretty much what you get. It's CGI eye candy that gives you a headache but whatever.
14.) A robot can't be cut by a sword. Just saying.
15.) If the Japanese made this type of film (and they have in some form or another) we'd call it "super cool" and "awesome". Hollywood makes it and we think it's Hollywood blowing its wad full of CGI and scantily clad hot girls. I see no difference here.
16.) Men are so evil. We should all be ashamed of ourselves.
17.) You know this is just the female version of 300 right?
18.) Wait..Emily Browning and Abbie Cornish are Australian??!? Really?
19.) That escape was easy as pie. They probably got tips from Michael Scofield.
20.) Wow that ending is kinda depressing.

Declare this movie fit for tween boys everywhere. Sure it's devoid of any plot, it's all eye candy (CGI and hawtness) and is full of steampunky action scenes but I dug it.

I'm not crazy right?

Sucker Punch Photos are Weapons of Mass Erections

Ahh that photo above is my current wallpaper. I'm a big fan of Jamie Chung (and sort of a big fan of hot girls named "Jaime" in general). But that photo is clearly the PG for this PG-13 flick. There are a few more below that will get those guns cocked. (you see what I did there? I'm going to do that a lot)

Sure on some level, I enjoyed Zach Snyder's other flicks (300 and Watchmen) and I predict that Sucker Punch will lead to one big Hollywood steampunk revival. But I digress. A flick like this is clearly hitting on Snyder's base of amped up alpha horndogs who want to see hot girls blowing shit up. This is all about CGI bullets killing CGI targets and cutting to hot American actresses in retro Sailor Moon outfits in super duper slo mo.

And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that.

How can you go wrong with a cast of attractive women including Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Jamie Chung, Vanessa Hudgens and Carla Gugino? Add in some sword play, some giant machines and blimps and you're sure to see the theaters packed with tweens and teens.

But let's check out the photos. They seem to be subliminally telling us something more than what's on the surface.

Go team go! Chicks with guns is your generic photo of awesomeness. It says we may be 5"2 and the guns weigh more than all of us combined but we can so kick your ass.

Did you see the size of that gun she fired at us? It was bigger than her.

Must. Maintain. Eye. Contact...

Sure it looks like the dressing room of a strip club but the fishnet stockings say otherwise.

[Wipes drool]....Does that say Gold Diggers in the background? Clearly it's a hidden message about.....oh whatever [drools...]

Bow-chicka-bow-wow....did you hurt your knee? I'll kiss it and make it all better Vanessa Hudgens. I know you're a sweet innocent girl who would never have nude photos of herself all over the Internet right?Ahem...RIGHT???

The audience will clearly not know WTF is going on so let's write down our goals on this here blackboard. We need a map, fire, knife and key. Can somebody post this on Facebook so we can remember?

So your like the creepy old guy that gives me the Sword of Omens...right? OMG! LOL! FTW!

Meow! Meow! I smell a cat fight coming. I think it's about who's going to go on stage next.

Clearly they just shot CGI bullets into a CGI target causing a CGI explosion leading to a sychronized landing and gratuitous slo mo pause. Clearly right?

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Well there ya have it. Some tidbits on what you may have missed when checking out the Sucker Punch photos. You know you're going to thrust yourself into theaters this Friday to check out this steampunk homage (steampunkers around the world are weeping BTW). Never has movie made nerds and geeks turn into beta blocking alpha males like Sucker Punch.

I call it steampunk action porn....set to Led Zeppelin. And you know what?

There's nothing wrong with that.

Here be the trailer.

The Jaded Viewer's Predictions for 2011

I had a few features I wanted to write about what we should all expect in 2011 via film but they all sorta made sense to go list a few Nostradamusisy predictions instead. When in doubt, always go with a list I always say. Who knows what 2011 will bring in the world of horror but I'm going out on a limb with my guesses and predictions.

If any of these come true, I've got proof I'm psychic. Now place your bets.

1.) Steampunk will be Hollywood's Newest Exploitation

With Sucker Punch coming out which will probably be the equivalent of 300 in terms of success, Zach Snyder will initiate a Hollywood bandwagon for all that is steampunk.

2.) We're going to see a lot more Exorcist type movies

With The Rite comes out this month, we're going to see more devil in a child movies. The Last Exorcism's succes and Exorcismus, this is just the tip of the iceberg for devils vs priests.

3.) We're going to see less horror remakes

Just because Hollywood's already milked the shit out of every horror franchise

4.) Remember shaky cam shot on video cinema? We're going to get a film like that every month.

And it's going to be in 3D.

5.) Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods will be better than Kevin Smith's Red State

Two fan bases collide but somehow Whedon will prevail because his movie will be funnier.

6.) Zombies and Vampires will jump the shark....say hello to werewolves

With Teen Wolf coming to MTV, I smell more howling wolves coming to the big screen.

7.) There will be less Exploitation and Grindhouse throwback flicks

Sure I'm going to see Hobo with a Shotgun but we're going to see indie filmmakers turn their backs on these type of flicks.

8.) Gladiator movies will make a comeback

From Spartacus to Hercules to Conan, we're going to see more overgrown men with swords slicing and dicing.

9.) We will have 1 hyped up Japanese or Korean remake

I hope it comes from Takashi Miike or Chan Wook Park.

10.) The French will blow us away with a horror flick (which will probably end up #1 on my Top 10 List for 2011)

They've been quiet for a while. I think they're going to make a flying zombie film that's somehow intellectually stimulating.

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OK that's my list. What's yours? What are your predictions for 2011?

NYC Haunted House - Steampunk Haunted House (Review)

You would have thought 3 haunted houses would have been satisfied my scare quota but as Halloween creeps closer, a few more haunted houses in NYC are getting buzz. After Nightmare: Superstitions, then Blood Manor, then Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House I figured the trifecta was complete and I could relax, take it easy and rewatch Trick R Treat.

But I realized there were other haunted houses in NYC that I missed. With that hanging over my head I couldn't NOT go...right? Dammit. I've already been to 3, hell let's make it 4.

I read about this Steampunk Haunted House in the NY Times and I knew I had to go. I mean it wasn't your traditional haunted house. Check out their description of the place below.

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In this truly immersive experience, audience members are thrust into a beautiful and terrifying dreamscape of neo-Victorian elegance and phantasmagoric clockwork horrors. Once inside, audience members are separated, until one by one, they find themselves alone, lost somewhere within the three sprawling floors of Abrons’ majestic century-old playhouse. From there, they must choose where to go, exploring innumerable twisting hallways, looming balconies, and labyrinthine cellars. All the while, a whirlwind of mechanical apparitions, wraithlike sleepwalkers, and gear-powered beasts hurtle through corridors and lurk behind every corner and within every room.

Created by Bessie Award-winning artists, the Steampunk Haunted House is an integration of contemporary installation and performance art, and is an accessible, fun, utterly breathtaking experience. Unlike traditional haunted houses that rely on gore or graphic violence to horrify their patrons, this event chills, delights, and terrifies its audience without having to show a single drop of blood.

Haunted house tour groups are admitted incrementally into a labyrinthine world that trades conventional devices of blood and gore for the more terrifying nuances of suspense and meticulously engineered surprise. The aesthetic of steampunk offers a fresh, romanticized view on technology and fashion by making it retro, set in an alternate, anachronistic Victorian-era that retains a pre-industrial elegance.

Like most attractions of its kind, this is roughly a twenty-minute experience.

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I kinda knew what steampunk was. Its sorta a blender of 1800s Victorian style with modern day tech. Think an iPhone but with transparent gears and gadgets. But how would this be converted into a haunted house? I knew I wasn't going to get my traditional BOO! factor but being a haunted house you'd think the actors would utilize funky gadgets to scare you. I kept also thinking I'd see some kooky outfits like Sherlock Holmes style wear with a jetpack or a woman in a corset wearing a mechanical arm extension.

But none of my imaginative neo-tech was realized as I went to Abrons Art Center's Steampunk Haunted House attraction. So what was the reality check? Simple. Steampunk Haunted House is a walk through mesmerizing steampunk art with a ballet of neo-noir Agatha Christie surrealism. This is not your tweens or teens haunted house. It's a up close and personal performance art set to breathtaking steampunk backdrops.

So what's the experience like?

The Disclaimer.....

Serious warning to all you haunted house enthusiasts. This isn't your traditional catch em off guard and scare em haunted house. It's more of a open house to different scenes in different settings that have a steampunk flavor to it. If Vortex Theater's Haunted House was on the extreme scared shitless end of the haunted house spectrum, Steampunk is on the other end. More relaxed, more eerie and more subtle with their performances.

This is a haunted house for steampunk enthusiasts and also for people who are interested in seeing what steampunk is all about.

The Walk Through.....

The first steampunk gear your given is a vintage lantern flashlight gizmo. It helps guide your way through the theater. As they began, a performer silently guides you to hold on to rope as they lead you to a section of the theater. It's designed to give separation to all the participants so you'll encounter the performers in a wide variety of ways.

You are free to roam the playhouse as the action takes place all around you. Each part of the playhouse is filled with exquisite steampunk sets and the silent performers scene out an orchestrated piece of performance art for you to watch. The tour I went though was for the performers to get a taste of a real audience. It started out a bit clumsy but once it got going it became like a waking dream.

I didn't know what to make of what I was seeing as this was my first ever steampunk anything. Given no direction on what to do or where to go, I started wandering around. Later I was told you have 3 options on how to experience this haunted house.

• Follow the "main" actress who is in distress in the opening scene
• Stay in one room to see a scene play out
• Wander aimlessly and encounter the performers in each room
  

I wandered, then stayed in one room and then followed the main actress (in that order).

I'll admit I kept shaking my head as I wasn't sure if I had to be aware of clues to a "story". Would I be given cues to "do something"? None of that happened and so I tried to immerse myself in everything I saw. I realized that this experience is 80% style and 20% substance. It's like a steampunk fashion show.There is no inherent story but more of a styilized ballet of steampunk retroness.

In one scene, a few actors dressed as school children tried hiding underneath a large colonial style bed. Other school children hid in a large wooden trunk. A "school teacher" soon caught the boys at play and ordered them to sit in a chair as she waved a large ruler at them. Another school boy was "captured" and put into a large tube like contraption that had a Frankenstein laboratory steampunk look to it.

If I read into this scene, it's taking the old brickhouse school world and using a steampunk edge to punish the crime. As much as I tried to decipher what I was seeing, I had to just let it go. Without any knowledge of steampunk culture, I was as clueless as a monkey at NASA. If these were scenes from steampunk novels or film, I can only imagine what else has been reimagined.

Another scene that brought in the eerie took place in the main seated theater as a man in a gas mask "scared" guests while "human spiders" crawled on the seats. This took place while a man on stage pulled a chain over and over again. This is David Lynch-ian live imagery come to life. The best way to describe it is as a noir painting come to life.

The Sets.....

Many of the sets we're very steampunky. There were not alot of tech blending but more of Victorian style rooms with a surrealistic twist. Armours with torn paper, a wall full of violins and a large bed that echoed haunted.

The one design that impressed me was the laboratory I mentioned earlier. This could have been a set straight out of Frankenstein with its futuristic glass tube enclosures and gizmos and gadgets.

My only gripe is I would have wanted more of what I've seen on the interwebs about steampunk and their crazy retro-tech. I've always wanted to see these "inventions" and somehow I felt gypped I didn't get to see more of it.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Thoughts.....

Steampunk Haunted House is not for everyone. But for the art crowd, it's a definite must see. If the movie The Others came to life, it would be Steampunk Haunted House. The performers do a solid job of acting in tight spaces and within the confines of the playhouse. At times, they interacted with me like I was a splinter in their dreamworld.

What you'll get is a taste of the steampunk world mixed in with fantastic elegant scenes and an odd feeling your walking through a nightmare that isn't your own. I can only say that I've never experienced anything like it and it's actually peaked my interest of this sci fi subculture.

This is the future of the past in 2010. Enjoy it while it's here.

The Vitals....

• Steampunk Haunted House is located at the Abrons Arts Center which is located at 466 Grand Street, at the corner of Pitt Street, on Manhattan’s Lower East Side.
• Days and Times are October 23, 29, 30 | 8-11:30 pm and October 24, 27, 28, 31 | 6-9:30 pm
• Tickets are $20 for adults and $10 for students
  
• The official site
• The Facebook page
• Trailer is below!

Steampunk Haunted House 2010 from Third Rail Projects on Vimeo.