The Cabin in the Woods (Review)

The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Directed by Drew Goddard
Written by Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon

The Cabin in the Woods was suppose to come out on February 5th 2010. It didn't. The poster and trailer were released December of last year. We had to wait 2+ years for this to come out. As a hoarder and fanboy of all that is Whedon, I was getting annoyed and was losing any hope that this movie was ever going to be released. They delayed it to 3D it. Joss and Drew cried foul. Would we ever see this???

And yes we all would. But as April 13th approached, I knew Cabin would be my must see movie of the year. I was having Whedon withdrawal and even though he was giving us Avengers, it was mainstream Joss. With CITW, we were getting vintage Joss. Teamed with Drew Goddard (a Buffy/Angel alum writer/director) we were going to get the answer to that age old question...

"What would happen if Joss Whedon (and Drew Goddard) wrote a horror movie?"

And beyond my wildest expectations, The Cabin in the Woods is the best horror movie of 2012. To go even further, it probably is the best horror comedy of the last 10 years. My fellow jaded viewers, CITW is better than Scream (sorry Wes) and all its bastard children. Tucker and Dale vs Evil hinted towards a meta aware horror comedy but CITW goes lights years beyond that.

Simply and concisely summarized, Cabin is a meta self aware revolutionary horror comedy that takes those structured horror cliches, be it the stereotypical characters, the irrational choices, the set direction and the mythos and goes all man behind the curtain on it. Joss and Drew go all Wizard of Oz-ing on the horror genre and it's so brilliant, so awesome and so fucking clever you will leave the theater in a state of pure happy happy joy joy bliss and understand why #CabinintheWoodsisEPIC was trending on Twitter.

It's a horror reference machine, sending you cameos, trends and cliches a mile a minute and it asks you to get it. Do you get it? Do you understand the parody of what you're seeing? You don't? Then go ask somebody. Go watch the Universal classics, the slasher franchises, the Kubrick masterpiece. Then you'll understand why Cabin is going to spawn it's own genre and some bastard children of it's own.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Of course, the movie is about 5 friends who go to a cabin in the woods. But in the opening scene (in classic Whedon fashion) the twist which is SUPPOSE to be in the middle of the film is the one that starts you off. Any way of plot points and spoilers will ruin the movie for you so I will now not mention much of it (like CTK @ Planet of Terror did in his review). What I will do is answer my standard Q&A when I review a slasher film (because I'm jack full of spaz tuna) and also go in a bonus round, let's cyberchat in the comments. Go, go gadget Q&A!

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check...and it has so much more that I'm getting giddy and a horror boner talking about it.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Check. Rated R motherfucker. They're real and they're spectacular.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check. A blonde bimbo slut, a stoner "fool", the dumb jock, the smart guy and your standard prepackaged final "virgin" girl. Oh how you will howl with laughter at Fran Kranz's performance as Marty, the stoner. He spews Whedon-logue as good as Xander Harris.

4.) No Plot?

It's really a trick question as of course there is a plot and it's fuckin awesome. When you drank a can of New Coke, you know it's just a version of the original formula. Oh how I love the original formula. Classic Coke with a twist of sassy.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. You will yell out in delight and make a mess in your pants. You will see a lot of fanboy O faces.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. There are LOL scenes of WTF by the various "things". The blood and splatter are top notch. Lots of everything I said above with a point that may impale your brain. Hint hint.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends the hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Wow. Joss get out of my head. This describes our stoner Marty to a tee. Though the legend is more of the "Here is what the fuck is going on" to his friends and the audience. Marty is using is sight beyond sight. That's the real power of weed.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. The Whedonesque dialogue complete with Buffy speak is as always fuckin brilliant. Sure, "teenagers" are spewing dialogue written by 30 and 40 somethings but it has always worked when done by the Whedon players. The jokes are spot on timely and hilariously LOL. The play on words and reverse logic make it all the more fun. It's dialogue and conversation that is probably written in a conventional way and then Whedon-ized to make it funny. Remember, Joss actually talks like this.

9.) Gratuitous cameos of horror legends (a famous man of the box, classic Universal monsters, Kubrick tweens) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Check. SPOILER ALERT!!! This link here will give you all the info you need.

9a.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Check. But it's the final girl we see at the end playing "Le Director" that you'll be cheering for.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Actually...well.....ummm....no?

************************************************************

The Cabin in the Woods will be remembered as a game changer in the world of horror. It's a horror movie within the making of a horror movie. The Whedon elements are pure mythological magic, where he introduces something new to an audience that has long forgotten or chosen to forget why we all love the horror genre.

Goddard and Whedon break down into the slasher formula and ask the questions we've all asked before, during and after the movie. We've always questioned character motivations, absurd coincidences, elaborate backstory and heroic save the day moments but never has it been put in a movie so brilliantly and with such style and and LOL zingers.

A new generation of millennials has now been introduced us to the topsy turvy world of Hellmouth 101.

Nude-ipedia

A spectacular pair of mangoes

Gore-ipedia

Mucho slaughter via slasher weaponry
Mucho victim fodder via various slasher methodology

WTF moment

SPOILER ALERT!!! (scroll over to see)
----> (I'll never see unicorns the same again)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Cabin in the Woods is clearly the film to beat as best horror movie of 2012. So many Buffy/Angel/Dollhouse alum I was oozing Whedonesque Fanboy-isms like a motherfucker. Everybody go see this movie. NOW. Drop what you're doing and see it now. Why are you still reading this?

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

The Shortround: The Code (Review)

Lots of new Shortround posts this week. Here's another one where you can actually watch for yourself. From Mark Blitch comes The Code, a horror comedy short that part Buffy part Shaun of the Dead.

The tagline says it all: Put it on your Google Calendar

Watch the short below and then read my review.

The Code - watch more funny videos

the jaded viewer says: At 6 minutes, The Code cleverly polishes it's Buffy dialogue and Shaun of the Dead references while throwing in cameos chock full of horror icons. It's funny and knows the stereotypical horror cliches it parodies. I like the cliched opening of a douchebag alpha male with the supposed dumb blonde though I was 100% sure she was a Buffy in disguise.

The vampire, chainsaw slasher and Bigfoot were solid surprises but Taylor Brandt as zombie Shaun steals the show with his loyalty for Google Calendar. Obvious reference aside, it made me LOL and the makeup and FX won ton of awards at the Splatterfest Festival in Houston.

Good job by all those involved and I'm happy you all were able to see it as well.

Check out the links below for more info.

Film - http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/65eu
IMDB - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2059297/
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Code/246951718683504
Metal Sandwhich Films: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Metal-Sandwich-Films/190463734328735

Rec 3: Genesis Trailer shows the wedding from hell

Every once in a while I get excited about a horror movie. I wrote my Best of the Rest 2011 list and I've yet to see most on that list. But when it comes to the Rec series, I have to say it hasn't disappointed me as of yet. I gave the original Rec, 2 spinkicks and Rec 2 3 spinkicks. Could Rec 3: Genesis get the elusive 4?

After watching the trailer, you gotta admit, it looks fuckin awesome.It takes place at a wedding in broad daylight. Shaky cam POV is back, so is the over the top gore and a bride and groom surviving until death do us part. It's a sequel but from the plot summary, it will release info on what the virus or whatever it is, that has been unleashed.

Director Paco Plaza helms this 3rd flick and the film stars Leticia Dolera and Diego Martin. Our bride has a cute final bride look to her and you know the wedding reception is going to be one hell of a party. I'm kinda hyped.

It sucks the guests won't be able to line dance.

Check out the trailer. Via Bloody Disgusting.

The Shortround: Too Late (Full Short and Review)

From director Rani Naamani and starring Nelson Brown, the short Too Late has been making the horror sites and blog rounds. Pretty creative with a WTF ending. It's nicely paced at 2 minutes and it's better than watching 90 minute straight to DVD zombie crapfests.

Check it out below.

Too Late from SIDE FILMS on Vimeo.

The Walking Dead is Lost but with Zombies

Yeah I said it. The Walking Dead is Lost but with Zombies. Hmm, looks like you haven't been thinking the way I've been thinking. As a huge Lost fan, one can only think about the similarities between the two shows. It's pretty fuckin amazing how a zombie apocalypse and a crash landing on a mysterious island can be similar. Are you shaking your head? Well let's examine the characters of The Walking Dead and who they closely resemble on Lost.

THE OBVIOUS

1.) Rick is Jack

the jaded viewer says: Our cowboy messiah is our de facto leader of a rag tag group of survivors. He's thrust into this position and now has to make the tough decisions with a friend questioning his authority. He "woke up" into this hell on Earth and he has made already a few questionable decisions. Remind you of anyone?

2.) Shane is Locke

the jaded viewer says: Pretty obvious similarity here. Shane is now our chief antagonist who is willing to bend his morals in order to survive. He has fully understood the world he now lives in and has adapted. Locke started recruiting a group of his own and Shane has Andrea on his side. Locke never slept with Kate but you get my point.

3.) Lori is Kate

the jaded viewer says: The Walking Whore as she is now known is totally your Kate. She's hot, she's behind the scenes, she's kinda messed around and she has a BIG FUCKIN SECRET. Actually 2 in fact. She's trying to play both sides (making nice with Shane because of what he did for Carl...well sorta) but remains loyal to Rick.

Kinda Close

4.) Daryl is Sawyer

the jaded viewer says: Rednecks unite! Daryl, our resident bad ass hick has shown us uber toughness and a shielded tender side. He's hated by everybody but somehow has slowly become endeared by Carol. Sawyer too started off as the most hated man on the island but eventually became the lovable awesome guy with a sense of humor.

5.) Andrea is Sayid

the jaded viewer says: We're slowly seeing Andrea evolve into a sharpshooter and her tag team with Shane closely draws parallels with Locke and Sayid. They both have a similar agenda and clearly are on the outside of the group looking in.

6.) Glenn is Hurley

the jaded viewer says: This is an easy one. Your comic relief character is a bit socially awkward, scores with the hot girl but somehow is the most reliable survivor. Glenn is the guy who can get things and Hurley is the guy who can eat things. See?

Kind of a stretch...but!

7.) Dale is Claire

the jaded viewer says: Dale is our reliable old fuddy duddy. The confidante, the keeper of the pulse of the group. He kept Andrea alive and got T-Dog medical attention. He's the mechanic. Hmm not sure how Claire is like Dale. But I get the feeling Dale like Claire has a big secret that may change the group dynamic.

8.) Karl is Walt

the jaded viewer says: They're both kids. I'm hoping they're both "special" and have magical powers.

9.) T-Dog is Michael

the jaded viewer says: You're probably saying "C'mon, why you gotta be racist for?" Is it because they're both black? Well I'm not sure which Lost character T-Dog resembles as of yet. He did mention to Dale they thought they were "weak" part of the group. Michael had always thought that to....kinda. This comparison is more of a prediction. We'll see as we go along.

10.) Carol/Sophia are Jin/Sun

the jaded viewer says: Sometimes you just gotta take the mediocre characters and lump them up together. Did Jin disappear from Sun for a long period of time? You betcha. Where the fuck is Sophia? She must have walked to fuckin Washington DC by now.

11.) Hershel/Maggie/Carol/etc are The Others

the jaded viewer says: Hershel just pulled a Ben Linus didn't he??? Who knows what else is on that farm.

12.) Zombies are The Island

the jaded viewer says: This is also pretty obvious but the zombie wasteland is The Island with all it's dangers, craziness, quirkiness and unknowns. What else will they encounter as they travel along the zombie states of America. We've already gotten flashbacks of the nuclear holocaust of Atlanta. Will we get flash forwards?

*********************************************

It's not definitive yet but I would bet a dollar we may get some parallel storylines and a few more twists and turns that might be Lost like. I've been digging The Walking Dead and I hope they keep it fresh and dig deep into the characters as that is the ultimate driving force of any good show.

As long as we don't see all the characters in a church in the series finale, I think we're good.

C'mon Glenn. Get your freak on.

Occupy Wall Street echoes Romero's Land of the Dead

George A. Romero's Land of the Dead was released in 2005, 3 years before the shit hit the fan as the US economy turned into crap. Of course, while the gap between the rich and the poor was growing during the last decade, many were looking at "sky flowers" and ignored what was to come. If you actually rewatch LotD, it eerily echoes many of the concerns that many of the poor, working and middle class talk about now. Occupy Wall Street looks like a "uprising" where we, zombies have decided to storm Fiddler's Green.

It's always been the case that the rich have created ways to preoccupy the masses to deter them from their situation. Whereas the zombies are mesmerized by the sky flowers, the living in LotD are given gambling, booze, drugs and mindless entertainment to ease the pain of their lives. Clearly Paul Kaufman (Dennis Hopper) represents the status quo, the rich who will do anything to stay rich. Their best method of keeping their lives the way it is is by tricking the masses to believe they have a chance to join them. This is best illustrated as Cholo (John Leguizamo) does all of Kaufman's dirty work so he can live the "Fiddler's Green Dream".

And so comes Occupy Wall Street and the 99%ers. Their manifesto is short and to the point.

We are the 99 percent. We are getting kicked out of our homes. We are forced to choose between groceries and rent. We are denied quality medical care. We are suffering from environmental pollution. We are working long hours for little pay and no rights, if we're working at all. We are getting nothing while the other 1 percent is getting everything. We are the 99 percent.

If you somehow missed the allusion of Romero's zombies are actually us, well I'm here to say ahem, they are all of us. Many of the elite think of the American public has mindless, dumb zombies. They think all we want to do is breed, consume and destroy things. WE are the majority yet we have no real power.

But as the zombies in LotD taught as anything, we can evolve. We can think and we can damn well organize. It's the power in numbers that ultimately will be the way we can take over once more. We always look at maps as a way to see how a zombie virus can spread, well take a look at the Occupy Wall St protests that have popped up. It was inevitable.

Mike: "They're trying to be us."
Riley:"No, they used to be us. Learning how to be us again."
Mike: "It's like they're pretending to be alive."
Riley: "Isn't that what we're doing, pretending to be alive?"




We have to wake up. We have to think. We have to evolve. We have to clear our mind. We have to realize the corporations greatly influence our political leaders. We have to realize that even though you are doing well and gotten the slice of the American Dream pie, the system is still unfair. We have to realize that the poor and middle class CANNOT take anymore of the burden to fix our economic woes. The rich and wealthy must contribute a greater portion to fix the financial burden we all face. The crooks who created this mess must pay for their crimes. We have to find a system that works.

As much as we'd like violence to get our point across, the violence is not by us but by the police who are supposed to protect us. Sure I'd like to see THIS HAPPEN to our Fiddler's Green friends. The system won't collapse because of a few thousand protesters but if they get agitated, a little scared and a little concerned they may make concessions. They may change because they're scared by what we represent.

That's what OWS is trying to do. Create change. And change in any form is good change.

Kaufman repeated the line "You have no right!" as the zombies poured in and destroyed his status quo paradise. Well Mr. Kaufman and to all the other Kaufmans of the world, we have every right.

We are the 99%.

As American as a Zombie Horde

Well when it comes to horror, one can always feel proud to be an American when it comes to zombies. Sure we didn't come up with the idea of zombies (it's from African and Haitan folklore) but American born George Romero made zombies as popular as apple pie.

Vampires were brought to the masses via Stoker and werewolves from Greece. But zombies have felt always American and we can't get enough of the undead. And we all think that because we're a gun obsessed violent nation we can survive a zombie horde. When in the video below, that might not always be the case.

The crew at Rooster Teeth put it to the test. Check out the results. And oh yeah, Happy Independence Day!

The Frankenstein Syndrome (Review)

The Frankenstein Syndrome

The Frankenstein Syndrome (2010)

Directed by Sean Tretta

[screener provided by MTI Home Video]

There are preconceived notions when your film stars Tiffany Shepis. You expect lots of screaming and blood from our beautiful scream queen beauty. However surprisingly, The Frankenstein Syndrome tones down all those things.

Don't get me wrong. Tiffany looks hot in hospital scrubs, she screams and she gets blood on her but this film which starts off with Tiffany in a mask detailing her story to two FBI agents got my interest peaked initially. However, it lost me in the middle and then got it back towards the end.

It's an up and down ride for this film by Sean Tretta. Lots of inconsistency abound in this retelling of Mary Shelly's classic novel. But what it lacks in budget and in pacing it gets back in creativity. But at the end of the day it's an average sci-fi turned slasher flick that makes its mark by reworking the classic monster run amok. If you dig that ole story, you'll probably find this film interesting to say the least.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of researchers conducting illegal stem cell research discover a cell anomaly that has the potential to regenerate dead tissue. Unable to conduct legal human trials, the researchers turn to corpses to test their serum.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Tiffany is Dr. Elizabeth who joins a group of medical doctors who try to evolve stem cell research into ludicrousness. She quickly makes breakthroughs because she's mega smart and the team is resentful but equally impressed. As this is highly illegal research, they are funded by a world re known doc who's hired gangster henchmen to make sure everybody is scared shitless.

When one of their test subjects offs herself, they test the new developed serum to bring her back to life. Later David, one of henchman is sacrificed for the greater good and is also brought back to life with a more improved serum. He quickly heals, has psychic powers and can literally turn water into fruit punch.

But as the medical staff try to poke holes into our new Jesus guinea pig, he has other ideas which lead to chaos at the underground medical center. Dr. Liz is our final girl and has to survive against the new "monster" she's created.

Got all that?

Let's start off with Shepis. She is actually solid in this role, playing the doc with the moral dilemma and struggling to survive. It's a different role for our horror veteran and she makes the most out of it. Dr. Travelle (Patti Tindall), the group leader plays mother to the new more evolved super human David. David (Scott Anthony Leet) is clearly a conflicted monster and Leet does a decent job in this over the top role even reciting Shelly like prose as he passes judgement on the hospital staff.

But as the horror goes, it starts off with some bright ideas but never really follows through. The flick has ideas of what is right and wrong but focuses on going with the wrong and showing us the consequences. There is a lot of conversations that make up a bulk of the middle of the movie. This is where I kinda got bored. Had there been some monster craziness in the middle of the flick, we'd get more conflict from the monster vs the researchers and antagonism between the doctors themselves.

The Gore-ipedia is wicked cool as the red stuff gets sprayed all over. It's precision like beheadings, face-off wickedness but also your standard blood on walls. Coolest effect? Gunshots in the head.

The Frankenstein Syndrome takes the old classic, has it reworked by indie horror and bakes up a decent horror dessert. It's not the best thing you'll see this year but it's not the worst. The ending opens up some possibilities but you'll have to ride a roller coaster to get to it.

If your goal is to see every Tiffany Shepis flick (and boy she's in a lot of flicks) then add this one to the library. It's not your typical Shepis flick and for that it's definitely watchable.


Nude-ipedia

No Shepis nudity...BOOOOOO!

WTF moment

I wish I could turn water into fruit punch

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you think watching this film is the equivalent of reading Mary Shelly's book, you'd be wrong. Very wrong.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Facebook Page

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

The Shortround: Home

It's another edition of The Shortround. Up this week a zombie rom com from Australia courtesy of Cameron McCulloch called Home. I wouldn't exactly call it a ha ha rom com more like a sad rom zom. Here be the basic plot.

Tells the story of a lone surviving woman, stuck in the middle of nowhere surrounded by the undead, trying to hold on to the last of her humanity.

the jaded viewer says: This 11 minute short is without any dialogue. Starring an unnamed woman who lives deep in the woods, we see her life consists of repelling zombie attacks and a nostalgic longing of the man she's lost. It's a pure vignette of zombie lore, probably a lost story in the great zombie uprising. As she checks the perimeter, it seems the zombies are getting closer on her home and all hope seems to be lost.

With one final night approaching, she pretties up her face, puts on a wedding gown and makes her now wedding night memorable with her man...her dead husband. It's quite an end to an interesting short.

Home is clearly an exercise in the zombie genre for Cameron McCulloch. We've all seen every zombie story variation so really nothing new is that shocking or surprising. It's an interesting concept in Home by taking hopelessness and amplifying it to the max. The silence is clearly sad as it is creepy. What really is there to say when your surrounded by the undead who are rapidly closing in? What do you do in your final moments when you actually have time to prepare?

I like how the short closed, I just didn't like anything else. At times it resembles a fan made film complete with friends and families playing zombie. With such a minimal budget, there is not much in gore or splatter and with any zombie movie, this is pretty much the money shot.

Home is an interesting take within the zombie subgenre of rom zom. I've seen better (Alice Jacobs is Dead comes to mind) and I've seen worse. When somebody can tell a zombie story I've never seen before, I'll make sure you all know. Until then I'm going home (pun intended!).

Shellter (Review)

Shellter

Shellter (2009)

Directed by Dan Donley

#20 on my top 20 horror movies of 2010 list is a movie called Kill Theory. Basically its about what you do in order to survive. Psychological survival movies have been done before and they are always interesting to watch. The reason is because you start to ask the same question the characters are asking.

Would you kill or maim people or even people you love to survive?

I've always liked these movies and in Dan Donley's Shellter you get posed the same question, but it pushes the envelope a little more to the extreme. Our main hottie Zoey finds herself in a post apocalyptic world where an infection has spread and she and a Doctor and Nurse are holding up in a fallout bunker.
Not knowing what lays beyond this shelter, she must decide if the doctor is her only hope for salvation.

Shellter is an indie horror flick that instead of regurgitating tired old zombie flicks gives us the wiggins through psychological torture. Zoey is our mouse and we get to see her go through the maze. It's clearly mesmerizing to see the film unfold and start questioning her actions and reactions and the film does this effectively well. Where it goes a little awry is in the fact I knew the twisty twizzler ending 5 minutes into the movie and knew I was going to hate it.

We've all seen mice experiments before and you know eventually it'll get to the cheesy middle. It's how the maze is conceived is what makes it exciting. And Shellter has an interesting way to get there but your going to go on a lot of dead ends before you get there.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Zoey, (Cari Sanders,) awakens in the medical facility of an underground fallout shelter. The Doctor, (Will Tulin,) explains that an infection has killed most of the population. The only people left are either a few lone survivors like her and the infected: The living dead.

The Doctor is assisted by a Nurse, (Maria Olsen,) who it seems has gone completely insane. They “treat” a steady stream of survivors/patients.

The only way of “curing” the infection is by surgically removing the affected area, which leads to gruesome results. The Doctor wants Zoey to replace the unstable Nurse and become his new assistant. Zoey is very hesitant to join the Doctor who is willing to do whatever it takes to survive, no matter how questionable or terrible the acts. But after a patient offers to trade places with Zoey and do “anything” the Doctor wants, Zoey realizes that if she doesn’t do it, someone else will do these terrible things to her.

Zoey has to decide what she is willing to do to survive, and the viewer has to make that same decision: How far would you go to survive?

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Zoey's journey starts off as she finds herself drugged out and hearing video of a infection that's spread. All food is tainted but a Doctor (Will Tullin) has informed her they are safe. Later Zoey starts to see other people be rescued and the good doctor begins performing medical experiments. To us the viewer, these all seem to be questionable but to horrified Zoey, she deems the doctor's actions as a means to help herself.

Other survivors are given a choice to stay and leave though when they leave they are shown as being killed by infected savages. This stimuli clearly strangles Zoey to stay and she is slowly given more drugs and given a yummy food supply of urine and fried human flesh to survive.

In the most pure and blatant experiment scene that emulates those Milgram experiments to a tee, Zoey and another survivor are forced by our good Doctor to pass a test where Zoey is told to high voltage another woman as she is forced to answer meaningless questions. The experiments are clearly interesting to read and watch (remember that Stanford prison guard/prisoner one?) but here in Shellter it's comes off as a little absurd. My damn pesky logic comes in. Why didn't Zoey just question why the doctor would want to perform such a mindless experiment?

This experiment seems just out of place in Shellter. Like the movie was written around this one scene. It's effective but almost ridiculous within the context of the film. The doctor is clearly insane and I have to say no matter the reinforced stimuli of psycho babble within Zoey's new shelter, you would have to conclude that an experiment like this makes no sense.

However, of course you wouldn't have a film. The evolution of Zoey from sane Human X to insane foot soldier progresses fast. Soon Zoey is helping the good doctor in every experiment and torture which encludes head bashing, ocular trauma, 2nd hand rape and your everyday slice and dice.

As we get to the ending which I Nostradamused 5 minutes in, the movie rushes through the reveal and gives the viewer the happy ending. You know me, I hate happy endings.

Solid performances mixed in with really dumb performances are scattered throughout Shellter. Sanders as Zoey gives a good performance as she turns from normal to abnormal than to normal again. Kudos to Tulin as the Doctor who has a look that makes you cry out for Dateline's Chris Hansen. He sells his mad doctor well and I would get the creepy critters if I was in an elevator with him. The other survivors who interact with our big two give lazy, over the top acting that made everything seem more SyFy mixed in with a Troma film. C'mon now, we don't need that much exaggeration.

Donley's film looks good for an low budget indie horror film. The sets are fantastic and the shots are done really well. However, there seems to be lots of filler muddled throughout. I'm not sure but I think Zoey was drugged like 10 times in that movie. The movie never gets frenetic, where we see a sort of cat and mouse play out. Instead we get a slow, monotonous approach with Zoey slowly seeing the bigger picture. The makeup effects and non CGI gore and splatter seem to be top notch. You really appreciate a film that is willing to do it the old fashioned way.

So what's the deal with Shellter?

Sure it succumbs to Saw like qualities and the old torture porn cliches but that psychological approach keeps it entertaining. I of course take that old liberal, leftist approach that goes with the idea that I would never torture or kill somebody to save myself. And you want to yell at our mouse Zoey to stop her stupidity. You of course would never eat horrific foods, assist in torture or kill somebody to save yourself right?

Shellter asks that question and shows it via extreme horror. The maze is a little disorganized in Shellter but you can't help but keep watching because you want to know if our little mouse will get the cheese.

Cheddar is our bitch.

Gore-ipedia

Ocular Trauma
Unnecessary surgery trauma
Non consensual rape
Decapitated hands, legs
Slice and Dice

Nude-ipedia

I think there was some....I forget.

WTF moment

The doctor gives some food to Zoey telling her it taste like shit and she eats it. Guess what you think she ate.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Shellter actually does an OK job of giving us the best of both worlds. Torture porn and psychological horror. It does both decently, but nothing I'm writing Bloody Disgusting about. You can get your psycho horror fix without the gore by watching The Killing Room or Kill Theory. But where's the fun in that?

The Vitals

• Check out the official site
• Check out the Facebook page
• Available for 30 day stream ($4.95) or DVD purchase ($9.95) via IndieFlix
• Buy the DVD via Amazon.com

Horror Blogosphere Linkage

• Read Planet of Terror's review of Shellter!
  

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

The Jaded Viewer's Predictions for 2011

I had a few features I wanted to write about what we should all expect in 2011 via film but they all sorta made sense to go list a few Nostradamusisy predictions instead. When in doubt, always go with a list I always say. Who knows what 2011 will bring in the world of horror but I'm going out on a limb with my guesses and predictions.

If any of these come true, I've got proof I'm psychic. Now place your bets.

1.) Steampunk will be Hollywood's Newest Exploitation

With Sucker Punch coming out which will probably be the equivalent of 300 in terms of success, Zach Snyder will initiate a Hollywood bandwagon for all that is steampunk.

2.) We're going to see a lot more Exorcist type movies

With The Rite comes out this month, we're going to see more devil in a child movies. The Last Exorcism's succes and Exorcismus, this is just the tip of the iceberg for devils vs priests.

3.) We're going to see less horror remakes

Just because Hollywood's already milked the shit out of every horror franchise

4.) Remember shaky cam shot on video cinema? We're going to get a film like that every month.

And it's going to be in 3D.

5.) Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods will be better than Kevin Smith's Red State

Two fan bases collide but somehow Whedon will prevail because his movie will be funnier.

6.) Zombies and Vampires will jump the shark....say hello to werewolves

With Teen Wolf coming to MTV, I smell more howling wolves coming to the big screen.

7.) There will be less Exploitation and Grindhouse throwback flicks

Sure I'm going to see Hobo with a Shotgun but we're going to see indie filmmakers turn their backs on these type of flicks.

8.) Gladiator movies will make a comeback

From Spartacus to Hercules to Conan, we're going to see more overgrown men with swords slicing and dicing.

9.) We will have 1 hyped up Japanese or Korean remake

I hope it comes from Takashi Miike or Chan Wook Park.

10.) The French will blow us away with a horror flick (which will probably end up #1 on my Top 10 List for 2011)

They've been quiet for a while. I think they're going to make a flying zombie film that's somehow intellectually stimulating.

*******************************************************

OK that's my list. What's yours? What are your predictions for 2011?

What is the worst apocalypse for humanity? (The Results)

A few months back I posted my Top 10 Worst Apocalypses. My #1 choice of the most horrible apocalypse to inflict humanity was a zombie armageddon. It looks like you all agreed as out of 199 votes, a zombie apocalypse won convincingly with 25% of the vote. Coming in second was Virus (16%) and Nuclear at (14%).

From the looks of it nobody is scared of vampires (cuz they twinkle?) and robots. I was sure robots would be a little higher as I got them at #4 on my list. And nobody is really scared of alien slavemasters either.

I got some interesting comments as well you can check out here. If we run out of oil, you'll be begging for some zombies instead.

Thanks to everybody who voted. New poll will be coming soon!

Comics You are NOT Reading: Zombo (Review)

Thanks to Mr. Rhinocerouslip Bumcrack who runs I FUCKING HATE R'n'B... and DUBSTEP!. He sent me a UK comic that was definitely not on my radar. My knowledge of top notch UK comic book writers has only come though via Garth Ennis (Irish, Preacher, The Boys), Mark Millar (Scottish, Kick-Ass, Wanted) and Alan Moore.

I absolutely dig Ennis whose series The Boys is so fuckin awesome. But I digress.

Zombo is the newest creation out of 2000AD and my first introduction to this publisher. So what's Zombo about?

Zombo: Zombo’s Eleven – When Flight 303 carrying government experiment ZOMBO crash landed on the lethal death world of Chronos, the flesh eating ghoul was the only survivor not picked off by the planet. Having joined forces with the eleven Suicide Boys – teens looking for spectacular ways to die – Zombo is on his way to becoming a TV star…

I absolutely loved Zombo. It blends wacky humor with complete evisceration on every page. It mixes in a bit of sci-fi, horror and Lost all into a wild Four Loko blackout in a can comic book. The cover absolutely sets the tone with Zombo politely asking: "Can I eat you, please?"

Zombo is a sort of anti-hero, part zombie and part human. Sent to the death world Chronos with other survivors the first book gives some back story and some serial wicked kills. They don't call it a death world for nothing.

Survivors you think may make it are all fodder for this death planet as the survivors die from poisoned fruit, vicious plants and even Zombo himself. Zombo's dialogue which have him addressing everybody as Mister give Zombo a childlike persona mixed in with a wild dog on a leash. The government agents who control Zombo have sent him to this world to clean up a Shadow rainbow blackhole (don't ask). Throw in some cannibals who leave a limbless and armless survivor in their wake and you got a death every 3 panels. It's not a stretch to say most people die gruesomely but Zombo survives because well he's already dead.

Al Ewing and Henry Flint, the creators of Zombo are on serious hallucinogenic drugs. I mean they write stuff in like a traveling variety Christmas show crashing landing and dying via a Christmas Tree monster and in the final book called "Zombo's Eleven" they have a 11 "Suicide Boys" who look to commit suicide and put it on "Death Tube". They're main focus is to film their deaths to get the best star rating.

Seriously, this is fuckin funny as hell. So wickedly WTF clever. Each of the characters in Zombo from a Russel Brand suicide boy parody to a Simon Cowell like asshole called Hank Epsilon are so annoying (like in real life), you're glad when they die, come back to life as zombies then die again.

The main adversary in Zombo is the death planet which causes humans to turn into zombies (who are just irritating talkative Return of the Living Dead zombies) . A final climactic battle onboard a space station involving zombies rampaging, zombie bees and Death Tube video massacres was truly fantastic.

I gotta admit, Zombo made me laugh in that this is insanely weird, fucked up and I must be high sorta way.

The tagline is Murder! Mayhem! Manners!

Fuckin A.

Check out a panel below!

Head over to 2000 AD to check out their titles and Zombo!

The 10 Worst Apocalypses

With the Walking Dead just kicking ass on AMC, I was originally going to post a list of things that logically would kinda suck during a zombie apocalypse. One of the main things would be all the freakin flies and maggots that would infest the dead. Shouldn't we see flies buzzing around each zombie? Also, a few weeks into decomposition, its maggot city right?

But I digress.

It's no shock that a zombie apocalypse to me is the king of apocalypses. I mean the dead walking around is pretty much fucked up as you can get. Limited human survivors and a constantly growing army looking to eat your brains guarantees an end to the world. But what other types of apocalypses would suck?

Here is my list. I hope you include your own in the comments. I'm also putting up a poll in the right nav bar so you can vote on which you think is the WORST OF THE APOCALYPSES.

Now head to your fallout shelter ASAP!

10.) Water Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: Think Waterworld. Say because of global warming the ice caps start to melt and we all gotta live on boats. I'm not good with boats and get sea sick pretty easily. Shit, I don't want to grow gills either.

9.) Religious Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: You'd think I'd say it would be God vs the Devil or angels vs demons. But that's not the kind I'm talking about. It would kinda suck if the world collapsed into a collective war over religious ideology. Oh shit you mean that's happening now? Fuck.

8.) Asteroid Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: You know where I'm heading. Yup Armageddon and Deep Impact territory. The impact of the asteroids would eradicate a large population but the fallout would cause us to probably all live underground. We probably wouldn't have Internet either.

7.) Natural Resources Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: On Discovery Channel they once theorized if we ran out of oil all hell would break loose. Wars would breakout all over the world as each country horded gas and oil. We really do need all the stuff we dig out of the Earth and it would be madness if gas cost $100 a gallon.

6.) Vampire Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: I recently read Guillermo Del Toro's The Strain and he really details a widespread pandemic if vampires elected to go all vampy and not be all secretive about their intent. Daybreakers illustrates that we could all be infected pretty fast. A vampire world with consist of no sunlight and an overwhelming thirst for blood. But the superhuman strength would be fuckin awesome.

5.) Virus Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: An airborne virus spreading across the planet is the most frightening and MOST REALISTIC thing that could happen. We've had our scares with Ebola and Mad Cow. Say we get a virus like in Stephen King's The Stand, we'd all be fucked. Quarantine zones, wearing masks and hazmat suits. Say the virus turned us into flesh eating mutants? Who would I get to play XBox Kinect with?

4.) Robotic Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: Skynet goes self aware. Your jacked into the Matrix (which doesn't sound so bad). A war between the machines is gonna suck. When your Wii starts attacking you, all hope is loss.


3.) Nuclear Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: It's The Road and it's depressing as hell. Sure Mad Max may look fun with their dune buggies and Road Warrior shoulder pads but the 100 or so years in the fallout shelter would kinda suck.

2.) Alien Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: We're not alone. But after they destroy all the major cities and start a human genocide you'd hope we would be. A virus from a Mac ain't gonna work dude. Being slaves to an alien race is pretty much the worst case scenario. No way we can beat their technology if they're using fuckin force fields. Plus being destroyed by aliens would be demoralizing as you'd think humanity could do it better ourselves.

1.) Zombie Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: Like I said, a post apocalyptic zombie world would just plain the best worst. Zombie corpses, flies and maggots. All major cities uninhabitable. I mean the walking dead would stink like crazy.

Plus I'm not good with firearms. Maybe I should brush up via Call of Duty.

**********************************************************

Well that's my list. What do you think is the worst of the apocalypses? Go ahead and vote in the poll to the right and if you got your own list, share it below.

And if I flipped the question around, what would be the best apocalypse that you think we'd all be able to survive? I'm thinking vampires (we got daylight!).

Share your thoughts!

Death of the Dead (Review)

Death of the Dead

Death of the Dead (2010)

Directed by Gary King
Written by Bo Buckley

I never think a director or writer ever reads my reviews. The Jaded Viewer is a small corner of the interweb and I mean you'd think they'd be to busy to bother to read what a NYC horror blogger has to say about their film.

But when I reviewed Gary King's Dismal: Eat or be Eaten, I kinda made a few zingers at the movie's expense. Shockingly, I got an e-mail from writer and producer Bo Buckley and he appreciated that I reviewed the film even though it wasn't overly positive.

Added to this, I actually didn't know about director Gary King's other work too. His filmography reads like an art house menu of NYC based films. So when Mr. Buckley informed me that he had teamed up with Gary King again, and this time it was a kung fu zombie comedy, I didn't know what to think. The trailer looked pretty hilarious though but would this end up dismal like Dismal?

I'm glad to say it didn't.

Death of the Dead is a campy horror kung fu comedy, comparable to seeing a YouTube video of a dude getting kicked in the groin. Think Karate Kid meets Troma and throw in a little bit of Scary Movie and some Zucker Brothers. Mix in a blender and you got Death of the Dead.

I'll admit I LOL-ed throughout most of the movie as the gags, inside jokes, 4th wall breaking jokes had me on the floor. Sure it's an indie production but it doesn't look like it. The dialogue winked at the audience a few times, the CGI (which didn't work in Dismal) seemed right at home in this comedy and the acting by our lead Christina Rose who plays Wanda is spot on brilliant.

Sure some jokes fell flat and a few scenes were mostly filler but it's not like your watching Inception here. It's definitely a film that cliches itself to death (all intentional) and includes a scene with ball busting numchucks.

I mean what more can you ask for?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

It's Karate Kid meets 28 Days Later in this over-the-top horror / action / comedy from Strange Stuff Productions. Wanda is an uber nerd with the coordination of a seizure victim. Her karate trainer is an aging pervert with a penchant for ball gags and various sex toys. When a bus from a rival karate school accidentally runs over a couple scientists dumping a toxic chemical down the sewer, the entire class is turned into high flying, flesh eating baddies!

As they wreak havoc on the town turning others into zombie ninjas, Wanda and her instructor must save the planet with the help of a magic karate belt. That's right, I said MAGIC KARATE BELT. An epic feature full of brains, boobs and bad ass bitches, Death of the Dead is fun for the whole family!

Awesome Review-O-Matic

There have been a ton of horror parodies of late. Zombieland and Scary Movie come to mind. But in the indie world, these comedies are not often seen but they rival the best Hollywood has to offer.

Death of the Dead is chock full of sight gags, toilet humor and self aware jokes that it had me laughing at all this kung fu foolery. It's also smart enough to not be those movies where you parody the latest popular movie (sorry Twilight fans). What it does is take 2 genres, the karate action movie and the zombie movie and mixes in the cliches from both to make a comedy that cleverly mocks the mockery.

I'm not usually good at reviewing comedies so I'm turning this review into a jaded viewer cliche review with the old standby Q&A review! This is where I answer the questions I make up that I think you'd ask.

1.) Wanda is Daniel-son type uber nerd but she transforms into a kick ass, karate zombie killer. OK I can buy that, but she gets naked right?

Alas no nudity by our zombie killing vixen but in the first 3 minutes we get boobs and thats a plus in my book. The opening scene has stereotypical cheerleaders doing stereotypical cheerleading things like being bitchy, cat fighting and being lesbian.

2.) So the relationship between Wanda and her sensei is strictly platonic right? Does that mean I get to see boobs?

Jeez, what's your obsession with boobs dude? Wanda and Master Sensei develop a bizarro world Daniel-Miyagi relationship. The first half of the movie is a total Karate Kid parody complete with Wanda being made fun of and a final karate tournament match. DOTD skewers 80s montages, the old Cobra-Kai cliche and the evil sensei.

And then there's a cat fight in a kiddie pool filled with mud....or it could have been poo. My money is on poo.

3.) I'm not that literate when it comes to theoretical quantum physics. What do you mean by 4th wall?

The most hilarious moments are when the movie breaks the 4th wall. From visible boom operators to a very noticable stunt double, I can't help but laugh when this happens. It's a brilliant gag that hasn't been used very much. Think Wayans I'm Gonna Git you Sucka and Menace. Last time I saw this was in Black Dynamite.

DOTD somehow places these gags in just the right places and at the right time. Like if I told you right now I was writing this while eating a McRib. See what I mean?

4.) WTF man! Kung Fu Zombies?

So some toxic goo turns the evil Cobra-Kai team into zombies and they take over Cleveland, OH. I know what your thinking. Kung fu zombies is a brilliant adversary for our uber nerd turned slice happy Wanda. As the town is overrun, Master Sensei and his box of sex toys try to save the day.

5.) I heard that ILM did the special effects for this. Is that true?

I joked that the CGI in Dismal was bad at one point wrote "The CGI fire and explosion look so fake, it's like they put a lighter in front of the camera." The same effects return here. But somehow when you see a zombie split in half and it looks cheesy, you laugh and you know its part of the joke.

6.) Ummmm so this is a smart kung fu zombie horror comedy? Are you on drugs?

[Inhales via bong while simultaneously doing crystal meth]

What? Nope not on drugs. The thing about DOTD is its kinda smart with its in jokes. Bo Buckley inserts a few ha ha's while ridiculing the cliche of exposition and plot explaining. The characters are stereotypical but somehow feel unique and different with some anti-cliche personalities.

I don't know. I kinda dug Wanda's nerdo to hottie transformation as well as her gothy sidekick in tow. I even laughed at Master Sensei's stupidity.

7.) It can't all be good. Something must have sucked. What was the suckage?

Well there were a few jokes that didn't work. There is so many dick and fart jokes I can take. You'd think gross out humor and over the top props and sexual innuendo would be fun, but some jokes are done over and over again. The fight scenes were completely laughable but I didn't care because Wanda was slicing and dicing in a Wonder Woman outfit bought from an S&M store. Yum.


8.) So what's the deal here? Am I going to like this? Is their subtle satire in this comedy that will make me reevaluate the world?

Umm no. It's a fun little indie horror comedy that is a total time waster. I would say Death of the Dead is right up there with the best Troma movies (maybe even a bit better). Gary King makes the movie completely coherent and has good set up then punchline scenes. The writing has got lots of smarty jokes, the acting is top notch led by Christina Rose as Wanda.

Death of the Dead smartly recognizes what the audience knows, what it's making fun of and what the audience wants. There hasn't been a horror comedy about kung fu zombies that I know of. Let Death of the Dead be your first.

WTF moment

Wanda gets revenge on the "Sweep the leg Johnny!" character

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I believe Death of the Dead is playing a few film fests before it gets released on DVD. Check out the official site for more info.

Rating:



Check out the trailer below.