Blackout Haunted House: Spring 2012 Edition (Review/Walkthrough)

"I'm being toyed with by a bunch of depraved children" 


- Nicholas Van Orton (The Game, 1997)

PROLOGUE

I've always had a fascination with participating in something only a few people get to do. Be it a flash mob, an ARG or an assassination game played with water guns. But unfortunately I haven't had the chance to do any of those as of yet. What I have done is be part of the legend that is Blackout Haunted House and experience their haunts like no other. I've been to 2 of their Halloween haunts and 1 of their Spring events. I'd like to say I'm a Blackout veteran but this haunted house has been around since 2009 and there are more hardcore fans than me.

I've received comments, tweets and e-mails from countless jaded viewers who will view the most sickest, disturbing and vile horror movies I recommend but won't ever ever...and I mean ever go to Blackout's haunt. They think it may be too intense for them to make it through. So they wait for me to give them the safe and easy way to experience it through this little corner of the interwebs and as you know I'm happy to oblige.

I've now met my fellow survivors (at a Blackout after event complete with free drinks) who, like me have survived this Spring 2012 edition and it's funny hearing that they read my past reviews and walkthroughs and it helped or convinced them to partake in Blackout's October and May haunts. I couldn't thank them enough because as a writer, the only feedback you get is through comments and this being the Internet, the majority are always negative. Hearing them say how much they liked the detailed dreamlike recount of what I experienced makes it all worthwhile when I do these. So I thank you guys for making me sound awesome.

But I digress. You didn't come here to read my rants and raves on my motivations and such. You came here to read about what only 20 or so people experienced last month. You're here to read about this underground haunted house that the other haunted houses talk about. You're here to read about the first rule of "Horror Club" is not to talk about "Horror Club". This legendary theater experience where you sign a waiver, have to read cryptic rules and has a fuckin SAFETY word. You've read all the other reviews, went to their official site and the Facebook page and are fascinated by the cryptic comments of the individuals, nay the survivors who participated on a sunny, ordinary weekend in one of the most creepiest and fucked up haunted experiences ever conceived.

So I'm here to tell you about the secret that is Blackout Haunted House's Spring 2012 haunt. The one you read about before and believed I totally made up. Hell, nobody I tell ever believes me. Why would they? Will you?

WARNING!!! 

[This review and walkthrough contains HEAVY MOTHERFUCKIN SPOILERS of this event. One day, when you do get the courage to attend a Blackout Haunted House event, you will want the same feeling I had not knowing what was going to happen. To feel the exhilaration of something horrificly awesome....a torment of fun. To experience Blackout to its fullest is to go there virgin fresh, free of spoilers and past knowledge of what occurred in previous incarnations. If you wish to experience this as many others have in a new and exciting way, STOP READING NOW. YES NOW!!! Go surf some porn, create a meme or watch a a kid get kicked in the groin on YouTube.] 

Now if you still wish to proceed. Scroll down like the pussy you are.











The Experience

It all starts with an e-mail. At midnight. The subject line reads: "It's time...you've been chosen". Dates are given on a weekend in May. One week later, more e-mails with more information. Then one week later you get the dreaded but exciting 3 dot e-mails. The 3rd e-mail has more information regarding where you'll meet, payment, confirmation of time and those rules. The rules, similar to the Halloween rules are slightly altered and slightly ominous. Lateness will not be tolerated and they stress that you MUST GO THROUGH THIS ALONE.

So on a warm, sunny Saturday night I headed to Manhattan to [LOCATION DELETED] at [TIME DELETED]. I'm unfamiliar with this section of the city and get a bit lost. It's [TIME DELETED] and I only have 3 minutes to get to [LOCATION DELETED]. If I'm late, I might have cost myself a chance to partake in the haunt. I make a wrong turn, see a familiar face and am told I'm not suppose to be here. Then down some steps I see the black t-shirt with those 3 dots and it's fuckin GO time. I had ran to the [LOCATION DELETED] and am now out of breath as I hear the man with the 3 dotted t-shirt ask if I'm The Jaded Viewer. I nod and say yes. I'm led to an empty phone booth. I stare at my fellow New Yorkers as they go enjoy this wonderful spring day. For the 45 or so minutes, I'm not going to be able to.

I soon catch my breath to hear what my guide has to say. I'm getting a bit anxious and nervous levels are increasing at toxic levels. I'm given a waiver to sign and am told to read through it thoroughly. Being the complete jaded viewer I am, I skim through it. I scan there will be VIOLENT AND SEXUAL SITUATIONS and something about being photographed. I've already signed one of these before so I sign my name immediately. Now I'm told to read the last part which has the word INDEMNITY in it. I fuckin ace it because I've been practicing the word in front of a mirror for the past 3 days (Fun Fact: I totally messed up this word in the last Spring Haunt). I also am told to turn off my phone.

Now that all the formalities are out of the way, it looks like we're ready to begin. I'm given an envelope with my name on it and am told to head down the street . So I start walking.  One can't prepare for the level of intensity when this shit starts. True blinding paranoia creeps in like a mothefucker. I walk down one block and start looking around. In the corner of my eye, I spot a large bearded man with a baseball cap in front of me. We both stop at the cross walk. I have no idea if he's "in on it". But I keep my eye on him. He looks waaaaay fuckin shady but then again everybody in NYC looks waaay fuckin shady (even myself). I walk down another block and I start to look behind me (because I know from my past experience and countless horror movies, that you need to do this every 5 goddamn minutes). I see a group of Asian girls who look like tourists. Would Blackout have recruited giggling Asian girls to distract me? How cunning they are. You smart motherfuckers. No, no. Red fuckin herring right there.

More walking I start sweating not from the heat but my mind is doing that Matrix thing and telling my body you're fuckin nervous, let's perspire profusely. Suddenly, I hear loud running footsteps and see the MAN. He is in on it and he hands me a flip cell phone and tells me to answer it and to follow the instructions I am given. I quickly head to an open public phone booth and await the call. I see the giggling Asian tourist girls looking at me all weird. In America, it's perfectly normal for strangers to hand over cell phones and look menacing. The cell phone rings and I answer it. I try to filter out the city noise and listen intently. I'm told to open my envelope which I rip open like a kid looking for birthday money. In the envelope is a hotel key card and on some printed paper are INSTRUCTIONS  in big bold letters. I am asked by the man over the phone to read the instructions.

There are 6 directions listed. Number 1 is to go to a [LOCATION DELETED] and go to Room #309. Directions from the lobby are given. Number 2 is to enter the room and go to the desk by the window. Number 3 tells me there is a gift waiting for me and I'm to take my shoes and socks off, leave them by the bed and to place the phone by the nightstand. Number 4 is to turn off ALL the lights. Number 5 is to crawl into bed and get under the covers. Finally, Number 6 is to Go to Sleep.

The voice over the phone tells me to look to my left and if I see the [LOCATION DELETED]. I see a hotel in the distance and am told to walk to it. The phone conversation ends and I make my way to the hotel entrance. What the hell have I gotten myself into? In an odd way, this time around I was able to take in what was happening. This haunt compared to the past ones had moments of lull, some nothingness which seemed to build up the anticipation while simultaneously angering me to the fact I had paid for nothing to happen. But we'll get back to that in a second.

As I make my way to the lobby, it's a crowded scene. Hotel staff are checking in tourists, guests are scattered about and kids are running around. I look at my directions and follow them precisely. I see a hotel bar and quickly scan it but I know I'm on a schedule. I see the elevator I am suppose to use and see a family also waiting for it as well. I get into the elevator with the father and his kids and give them a skeptical look. Hmmm, would Blackout use a family as a smokescreen for something else? You sick bastards! The family gets out with me and I start searching for Room #309. The family quickly scoots ahead of me and enters the room across from 309. Well now I'm seeing these decoys in a whole new light. If they have to come into play, Blackout has really out done themselves.

I enter the room and follow my written instructions. It's an ordinary hotel room with 2 double beds. The beds and been stripped of bed sheets thought a lone pillow and cover lie perfectly made. 3 lamps are illuminating this room and the AC is humming inconsistently. I see the desk by the window and go to it. I see my gift which is a shot of whiskey. Never to turn down a shot, I take a deep breathe and down it, as some of my liquid courage trickles down my mouth. My nerves now at threat level WTF are still in the red and the shot does nothing to calm them down. Also, leave it to me to prepare by only having coffee and leftover pizza in my stomach. I leave the phone by the nightstand and take off my sneakers and socks and leave them at the foot of the bed. I then start turning off all 3 lights in the room. I crawl into bed, my glasses still on (because I'm completely dumb) and put the blanket over me.

It's now completely pitch black in the room with only the red glow of what I perceive are cameras to my left and in front of me. The hum of the AC seems louder. At this point and I close my eyes.

As I await my fate, minutes feel like decades. Childhood fears are brought back to life as I for one was one of those kids that slept with a night light. When I was young, my night light broke and I started whimpering for my mommy. (OK full disclosure, this happened last week) Pitch blackness is a level of terror Blackout has has done before and so oddly enough I will admit, I was jaded (yeah I made that pun, sue me). It's an effect that amplifies every creak, every sound, every gasp. You're now limited by to only a few senses and because of this the chills are echoed throughout. As I closed my eyes, knowing full well shit would hit the fan at any moment, I got a sense of serenity. Waiting builds up tension for noobs, but for a veteran like myself I was slightly angered shit wasn't happening at a quicker pace. Now having looked back upon this, the effect Blackout was going for is to be admired and designed for the newbie experience. Such is the way of things.

Now my sixth sense had told me people were in the room with me. I could hear the tap of footsteps and I was hearing a hollow breath of fucked up people who wanted to do fucked up things to me. I feel a touch on my foot, then my face. Two living breathing human beings are now getting into bed with me and I can't see a thing. They start to squeeze my body from both sides of the bed and they are breathing into both my left and right ear simultaneously with a level of maximus. It's a level of pseudo paranormal weirdness that is way beyond I could have ever come up with. As the breathing into my face went from slow, to medium to insane it abruptly ends.

In a film-like quick edit of a home invasion gone awry, the lights turned on, I see the fleeting faces of my bed mates and a pillow case is thrown over my head. I'm told to get up, then bear hugged, and I am guided to the bathroom. I hear the bathroom door close behind me. As I stand in the bathroom, bare foot with a pillow case over my head my mind races and prepares for the WATERBOARDING. I believe this is going to happen because it has happened before. Would the levels of this go up a notch? Would they decide to outdo the CIA? Would I call SAFETY in the midst of a waterboarding that would reach extreme levels? When faced with a situation one has done before, it feels familiar. But instead of the familiar, I instead hear a voice in the bathroom with me.

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK???

I instead hear a voice telling me to "REMOVE YOUR HOOD". I proceed to do so and look around. It's your typical hotel bathroom, sink with no mirror. Toilet and in the corner was a pile of dirty towels. A bathtub lay in front of me with an ominous curtain and the drips of water emanating from it.

I say hello or something to that affect. The voice, in a scratchy Dark Knight sorta way, implores me to "OPEN THE CURTAIN". Well I've watched countless horror movies. In every horror movie, there's a door or a box or something somebody opens and they do it waaaaaaaaaaaay fuckin slowly. I'm not going to do that. You know you've seen it before. And oddly enough, I also became a human horror cliche. I too, hesitated a moment, fearful of what was behind that damn curtain. But being the veteran I am, ripped open the curtain and too my surprise what was behind it was not a sight I thought I would have imagined.

In the bathtub lay a completely naked woman. She lay there motionless with a white hood over her head.I scanned her body (which every red blooded American male instinctively does when they see a member of the opposite sex in their birthday suit). She coughs, a choking cough that jolts me a bit. The voice says to "REMOVE THE HOOD" and clearly this is the penultimate scene of my personalized horror movie. You would have thought years of watching horror movies would have prepared me to remove a hood covering the head of a naked girl in a bathtub, but until faced with it, you start to realize IRL shit is way fuckin different and terrifying from horror movie cliche shit. Preparing myself for the worst, I remove the hood.......

.....and see the sight of an attractive girl, piercing eyes with curly brunette hair.

She asks for "PILLS" and before she even completes the word, I'm frantically looking around the bathroom for them. I toss some towels to the side, look around the toilet and then realize she is pointing to a pill bottle on the soap holder. I quickly open the pills and as she opens her mouth I drop one in. Her voice then echoes for "WATER". I look around and see a spray bottle and rapidly unscrew it and pour a few drops into her mouth. She gulps it down, her throat clearing and she starts to sit up.

I start to kneel down. She starts to whisper in my ear. She asks for my name. I oblige hesitantly as the rule of NO TALKING, reminds me I should have not said that. She gets up from the bathtub and I start to slowly back away to the far edge of the bathroom. She is now a sight to behold. I'll admit, a pretty awesome sight. There are only a few instances where a naked girl means only one thing (yup, I know strip clubs come to mind as well) but the other one....well you know.

She is now standing in front of a fully clothed me and whispers into my left ear "I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT". Oh shit. Bow chicka wow wow. I start to try to focus. Is this a good time to ask if she wants to get a cup of coffee?  Talk about any good movies she's seen? I start to raise my hands, wary that one of the rules was to NEVER TOUCH THE ACTORS. I know fully well I'm here to experience a feargasm but instead I'm getting a fear-rection. She starts to touch me provocatively (is this shit going to turn into 50 Shades of Grey, not that I read it) and a few hints of groping seem to be in action. And at that moment of fearful bliss, shit hits the fan.

The freed captive girl starts to remove my buttoned down shirt and the t-shirt I have underneath. Throwing it on the floor, she starts to unbuckle my belt and pulls down both my jeans and boxers. HOLY FUCKIN SHIT. I'm now completely fuckin naked with a half stock. She moves in closer. Her naked body, my naked body and I feel helpless. Would she start to go all Basic Instinct on me? Her hands move around my exposed flesh, she touches the back of my neck and now she's breathing into my ear. Wow. Then.... [NEXT 2 SENTENCES DELETED]

I had not been expecting any nudity this time around, especially from me. I figured from last year, they'd forgo that gimmick and pick fears they hadn't utilized yet. She opens the bathroom door with my clothes and leaves and now I'm standing naked in a red tinted bathroom. The red tint is coming from a camera strategically placed in the bathroom. I start to use my hands to cover up but I realize this is fuckin useless. Under my breath, I curse Blackout. "YOU FUCKIN ASSHOLES" I mutter. It's a slight uncomfortable feeling being naked, in a bathroom in a strange hotel room. But if this is what I had to do, this is what I had to do.

Nudity is a sinking vulnerable feeling. But having done this last year, one realizes what one is capable of. Sure there was no hospital gown this time but I was willing to strangely take whatever the experience presented me. And then the girl came back in.

She presents me with night vision goggles and a flashlight and tells me to head to the desk. I have no way of covering up so I hold the goggles with one hand and the flashlight with the other. Peering through the grainy blue tinted goggles I look around the room. It's an exciting feeling, one part voyeur another part POV horror come to life. Creatively, it's ingenious to use the night vision to create an atmosphere of unknown dread. I admit, I liked this part. I felt like my POV has changed mid movie and from this 1st person perspective, they've limited my field of vision.  I make my way to the desk. My recollection gets fuzzy though I'm handed a phone (or was it there?) and it rings. I answer it and am ordered to write my name and home address. I place the goggles down and am now naked, sitting at a desk, fiddling with a flashlight in my left hand while writing in bad penmanship my name/address. A man is over my right shoulder. The phone call ends and the man tells me to place the phone on the desk.

Lights come back up.

Between the two beds lies Saran plastic wrap with a big X marked at the front. I am told to place "MY FOREHEAD on the X". I proceed to do so and have my hands in a dead man's position like I'm surrendering to cops. This is the climax, the pinnacle of the Blackout experience and I start to think really bad things. I start to think everything else was a cake walk compared to what may happen. I actually start to think about what I look like, buck naked lying on a hotel floor. It must be surely a sight. To the people that may use Room 309 after me, I apologize. I start to actually have the wiggins. I feel a hand put my arms to my side. And then BOOM!

I'm being wrapped in plastic, a big naked burrito with 2 large men on top of me. It's a helpless feeling but an exhilarating one as well. One man in all black yells at me. "IT'S NEVER OVER!!!!". He probably has more dialogue but I have forgotten it. I'm released by my burrito prison and see my clothes lined up on the bed.

The man proceeds to inform me I have 90 seconds to put my clothes on and exit the hotel. I'm like a speed freak and start putting on my boxers, my jeans. 60 seconds. Then my t-shirt. 45 seconds he says calmly. I see my socks and realize I won't have time. I stuff them into my pocket. 30 seconds. I put on my other shirt, a button down and get a few buttons in. 15 seconds. I slide into my sneakers as fast as possible. 10 seconds. I search for my glasses and realize they are on my FUCKIN FACE already. 5 seconds. I dash out of the room and close the door behind me.

I head to the elevator and evaluate my attire. I'm a bit of a wreck but I look passable. I wait for the elevator and get in. I start to check for my phone but realize before I start tweeting or Facebooking, I should get out of Dodge as quickly as fuckin possible. I exit the elevator, the light from the bright lobby is a sight. Normal people, doing normal things. I scan the people's faces, looking for a clue on what may happen next. It's a normal world. I make my way out into the street and head east. I look behind me a few times because remember, that's one of my fuckin rules. There is some remnant sun, but as I'm a block away from the hotel, I realize that's it. It's over.

I am a survivor.

The Aftermath

2 blocks down I see a stoop and put my socks on. It must be quite a sight from the looks of passerbys like I had just come from a close encounter in a Lifetime movie of the week. I find a nice park and do what I always do, take notes. And I start to Facebook and Tweet. Here is that first tweet.



I write on the jaded viewer Facebook page:

A review is coming for Blackout Haunted House's Spring Haunt. Yes it was as fucked up as advertised and lives up to it's reputation of being a fully interactive horror scene incarnate . It was innovative but had its flaws as well. Clearly, I will never tell my grandchildren about what happened last Saturday.

Later on, I  meet up with The Raven and the Black Cat and another fellow survivor for some much needed alcohol. We compare notes. We start discussing what we liked and what we disliked. It's much needed therapy from an exhausting yet oddly stimulating Saturday night.

Final Thoughts

Blackout Haunted House 2012 Spring edition is best described as a sequel with more extreme torture, more extreme nudity and more WTF. They definitely do put the FUCK in WTF. It's an experience that tests your boundaries. Are you willing to pass a line of no return? Can you give yourself up for less than an hour to Josh and Kris (creators of Blackout) and his crew and have them mindfuck you? That's the question I've always asked myself and the answer is yes. Because when will you ever have the opportunity to participate in a bit of theater, a bit of a horror movie designed around you and where normalcy gets thrown out the window.

Sure it's fake, sure it's make believe but your mind will play tricks on you and start to blend fantasy with reality. It's your 15 minutes and for a few depraved like myself, it's an outlet to role play. Answering mysterious phone calls, following instructions, going to spooky hotels. It's horror fantasy camp for adults.

What it lacked is what I've always complained about in the last Blackout haunts. The lack of story. I thought I paid to follow a narrative and I like piecing a story together. No such luck here.The haunt can be best categorized into 4 different sections.

1.) The Streets
2.)  Hotel Room Blackout Games
3.) Bathroom Speed Dating
4.) The Human Burrito

All of these are separate entities in itself and all together form no coherent story. The cat and mouse of the streets was fun and exciting. The darkness of the hotel room games was a rush into Paranormal Activity chills and supernatural craziness. The bathroom's get to know each other had elements of a frantic horror scene gone porno. And well for the Human Burrito, it's home invasion madness meets a Euro-trash/HK Category III slasher flick. Each section had some level of excitement but put together they didn't form Voltron. And at the end of the day, don't you wanna see Voltron instead of those damn fuckin Lions?

I proposed scenarios of a kidnapping/ransom plot which could have sorta tied everything together. Another idea rumbling around my head would be seeing the person who was ahead of you in the haunt  be violated. Seeing what happened to them might make me slightly disturbed. If I'm interacting, making choices and pushing the scene along, like a video game character...I want to know WHY I'm doing all this. But Josh has always said, the narrative gets thrown out in these things. It isn't Shakespeare but taking the mold of a situation and playing on the fear of it all is how it works. I understand that point. I experienced that point as well.

But a story doesn't hurt.

I can't help but compare with what I experienced last year. Be it partly because it was my first Spring haunt and the scenarios played out like nothing I was expecting, it felt more awesomer. All my senses were amplified in a way that brought about a real tangible fear.What last year lacked was a sense of claustrophobia-ness. However, this year the hotel room added that. The actors gave a level of intensity that mimicked a unseen mastermind, directing the action from the comfort of a surveillance room. A sorta rich man's game with a degree in psychological torture.  The bathroom woman had a seemingly exhaustive endeavor to create a sense of false security. Clearly it worked on me, her performance was on point (pun intended).

I enjoyed the world I inhabited a couple of Saturdays ago. I get an adrenaline rush NOT KNOWING what may happen. Blackout has always developed situations that get the maximum emotional effect. Their brilliance is in their simplicity. They push the boundaries of what a haunted house is suppose to be. They have a working Horror Fantasy Club, talked about in the shadows of Internet message boards and cryptic Facebook comments. Grown in NYC, the legend of Blackout now has no borders. It's a product of a society looking for an escape. It is why it works on so many levels. It is why I keep going back. It's an addiction like no other.

In this 9 to 5 world of America, we sit in a world complacent and safe. Like in David Fincher's The Game, we need to feel alive, to experience the rawest emotions, the situations that test your resolve. We need a Consumer Recreational Service (CRS) for the millennium age.

Blackout has answered the call.

Check out my past reviews and for more info on Blackout Haunted House check out the links below.

• Walkthrough/Spoilers of Blackout Haunted House (2011) 
• Review of Blackout Haunted House (2011) 
• Walkthrough/Spoilers Review of Blackout Haunted House (Spring Edition 2011)
• Review of NYC Halloween Haunted House (2010)
• Walkthrough/Spoiler of Blackout Haunted House (2010)
• Official Site
• Facebook Page

Would you have participated in Blackout's world of torturous party games? Sound off my fellow jaded viewers.

This one time at horror camp.....

I recently read this article on Cracked.com entitled 5 Geek Fantasies You Won't Believe You Can Buy and the horror fantasy camps seem mega cool. Experiencing a zombie apocalypse at a mall? Yes please. Experience a marathon run with zombies chasing you. I'll take an order of that. But that's just PG-13 stuff. Because every spring in NYC, horror camp takes a turn for the WTF when Blackout Haunted House invites you to partake in it's invite only spring haunt. A few select men and women will go through this madness ALONE and for 45 minutes not know what the hell may happen.

I of course am now a veteran of it all. I've been to the last 2 Halloween haunts and survived last year's spring haunt. But they change it up from year to year. It's never the same and creators Josh Randall and Kris Thor revel in the fact they can amp it up into more fucked up extreeminess.

Running from zombies and shooting zombies with NERF air guns seems pale in comparison to the devlish deviousness of this haunt. It's horror camp for adults and it's paying to be Joe Horror Victim #1. The fact there is a safety word to end the experience says it all.

I'm scheduled to attend Saturday evening on May 19th while my fellow Survivors are scattered throughout the weekend. There is now even a support group on Facebook for all of us. Clearly, we all know what we signed up for.

But for the lucky few, going to horror camp is a once in a lifetime event. I retell my story in a disoriented way stating "this one time at this haunted house..." and get the most puzzled looks. For all the veterans, have fun. For all the noobs, it's time you horror camp up. Safety isn't an option.

If you're in NYC, you might want to try it no? Here is what they wrote in one of their most recent e-mails.

Although more regular off-season events will begin to take place starting the first weekend of June, this is the only time this year that we will be offering this specific event.  We suppose you should consider yourselves lucky, but who are we to force anything on you.
Would you try your luck at horror camp?

Want to know what the deal is? Check out the reviews and walkthroughs below.

Blackout Haunted House Linkage

• The official site
• Like Blackout Haunted House on Facebook
• Like the NYC Halloween Haunted House on Facebook
• Follow on Twitter  

Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Blackout Haunted House (2011)
• Blackout Haunted House (Spring - 2011)
• Blackout Haunted House (2010)

Blackout Haunted House (Walkthrough/Spoilers)

On November 6th, after an extended run of sold out nights, Blackout Haunted House finally closed its doors. The urban legend of haunted houses became real for a ton of brave New Yorkers, tourists and people from all across the country and the world. But some weren't brave enough to venture into the darkness and others ran out of time. Well, that's where this walkthrough comes in.

Yup, I've been reading your comments, e-mails and tweets and everybody wants to know what the HELL did everybody experience at the Blackout Haunted House that made it the most thrilling, exciting and demented haunted house. Let's now pull back the curtain as I unveil MY EXPERIENCE of this best haunted house in NYC.

You can read my review and the Facebook page or the Twitter feed of others who went through it. Everybody had different experiences as it progressed. Josh and Kris changed a few things throughout the run and probably went extra Guantanamo Bay during the peak Halloween period. I went around the middle of it, during a press night where only a few brave intrepid reporters braved the haunt. I'll admit, I have forgotten the order of the events that I experienced but I'll do my best to give you a step by step walkthrough of each part of the experience. I also have to say my mind is a bit clouded and I've kind of forgotten a few things that happened. It's a mix of time that has passed since mid October and the fact that I'm not good at logging the events and get pretty caught up experiencing it.

As I said in my review: "Blackout Haunted House is the haunted house other haunted houses are afraid of." Now would you have gone to this?

• The black partition separates you from the start of this 20 min or so insanity (it feels devilishly longer than it actually is). Josh pops from the screen and guides you inside.
  
  
• You stand in complete darkness for what seems to be 2-3 minutes waiting and waiting and waiting. It's an agonizing wait until Josh gives you a paper thin surgical mask which you put on. "Do you have asthma?" "Do you have epilepsy?" Josh asks. I shake my head no while saying the words.
  
  
• You enter a room that has the glow of a flickering TV that splashes Poltergeist light. Seated to the left is a large woman, dressed in one of those medical outfits they give you for a checkup eating a cup of ice cream. A metal folding chair sits in the middle of the room in front of the TV. In silence, I'm pantomimed the universal sign to sit down. I do. I stare at the TV and back to ice cream lady. It must be awesome ice cream. I suddenly feel my hair being touched from behind. It seems another escapee hotty mental patient I didn't see likes my awesome disheveled hair. Ice cream lady moves her chair next to mine and gets really cozy with me. She puts her head on my shoulders and smiles. She grabs my hand tightly and I now see what's in hers. HANDCUFFS. She slowly puts both handcuffs on and I'm pointed into Room #2.
  
  
  
• In Room #2, its deadly dark. I step as carefully as I can in the pitch black darkness but I figure I'm not leaving this room until something happens. I now get the feeling I'm not alone and quickly somebody pulls up my handcuffed arms and have attached them to some sort of rope. Now a wraith-y misfit is touching me on my arm, neck and head and I can't see where it's coming from. A balloon pops. I'm a bit startled. What sounds like a metallic ladder crashes down and I'm startled a bit more. You know that jumpy feeling you get? Well I got that. I'm then untangled from the rope and I see a flicker of a flashlight and a man dressed like a doctor grabs my arm. I see he has a big fuckin needle and unrolling my sleeve, he plunges the needle down (Vincent Vega style) into my arm. Of course it's not real but has a psychological touch that hits me hard. (I HATE FUCKIN NEEDLES!). I'm now escorted via mild shoving to the next room.
  
  
• In Room #3, I see a chair and am told to sit down. I'm also handed a flashlight powered by some weak ass batteries. Also, goggles are put over my eyes. I scan the room with my flashlight and see nothing. But slowly, I see a figure. A Nosferatu like shadow creeping across the room, my flashlight making shadows into a silent horror movie. This room seems like a weird dream room, nothing really happens but it felt like the artistic portion of the program. Soon the figure dissipates and I'm grabbed by a somebody and shoved into Room #4.
  
  
• Well I should have known that was the lull before the storm. Because shit's hitting the fuckin fan. I'm now grabbed and thrown against a wall and told to put my handcuffed hands against it. Now facing the wall, I'm yelled specific instructions to take 10 steps back and I proceed to do that. I start counting in my head. 10....9...8...7... BOOM! I'm grabbed from behind and a hood is thrown over my head. I'm told to kneel down and now I can feel the sticky, wet grimy floor and then suddenly water is being poured over the hood. Yes folks, the rumors are true. I'm getting fuckin WATER BOARDED. Water is coming from every direction and I'm getting soaked. I start to breathe a bit heavy as the surgical mask and the hood have limited my breathing. I'm sure people call safety at this point but a bit of the waterboarding ain't gonna make me say it. My attacker calls out my name (which kind of shocked me but I guess this is Josh's way of personalizing the experience for the jaded viewer) and tells me to scream. I scream as loud as I can. I'm told I scream like "a fuckin pussy". "Scream louder!!!" yells my torturer. I scream louder. I'm called a variety of expletives and am told to scream louder. I do. It finally subsides. Told to stand, the hood is taken off and now I'm mildly mouth raped. Yes folks, MOUTH RAPED. Somebody is inserting their possibly unsanitary fingers into my mouth. After that brief oral gagging, I cough and dry heave a bit and the handcuffs are finally removed. I'm now told to go upstairs (or is it downstairs?). Its a bit foggy with the mouthrape and waterboarding having traumatized me a bit.
  
  
  
• A Blackout HH guide asks me: "Do you want a light?" She holds up a glowstick and I say "Yes". She holds it out, then says "Go get it!!" and tosses the glowstick near the opening of a dark tunnel. Wet, still sucking in air and a bit weary, I grab the glowstick and make my way through the tunnel. I start remembering some old Jennifer Jason Leigh TV movie called "Buried Alive" and remember the dark tunnel in that. The glowstick is my only light source and I start crawling through the narrow tunnel. I try to move as fast as I can when my leg is grabbed from behind. I can hear above me some laughter and the loud footsteps of the man above me. I finally see the end of this freakin tunnel and make my way out.
  
  
• Here is where I got lost. I believe I was told to go downstairs but I think I was a bit disoriented on where to go. I do head down some stairs and enter the TV room again. After getting some better instructions, I'm told to go to the infamous "Care Bear Room".
  
  
• Ahhh the infamous "Care Bear"/"Rainbow" room. The room has been called that as there was a bit of color and it had the most light from the previous rooms. I'm told to sit in a chair as a woman in a hospital gown creeps closer, whispering somebody is out to get her. She slowly approaches me and then stands to my left. She grabs my head and tells me to "Pull the string" which is dangling from her you know what...fuck it. Her fuckin pussy. I grab and pull it and she makes the most wonderful moaning noises. Now fully out, I can see it's a tampon. Yes you again reader have read that right, a fuckin BLOODY TAMPON. Now she tells me to put in my mouth and suck it. No use with arguing with her and I do, just barely. She suddenly jolts to the door and tells me to get out. At this point, I have the bloody tampon in my hand and figure I have a souvenir.
  
  
• I'm now guided into a bathroom and see quite a sight. A medium built man is whispering in my ear. What's most disconcerting is the man is entirely naked. His bait and tackle are hanging out for me to see. He starts mumbling things into my ear, I can't remember exactly what it is. He then proceeds into the toilet stall and closes the door. I now can hear heaving and the excruciating sounds of vomit upheaval. It's as disgusting as it sounds. He then opens the door and tells me to grab a key in the toilet. I hesitate and stare at the bowl looking for a key but I can't see one. My left sleeve was rolled up (from the crazy injection) but in the midst of my germaphobic nature I forget and dip my right hand into the toilet and feel for a key which I finally find. It's the first time I felt kinda disgusted but know this all can't be as sanitary as could be. Now guided out of the bathroom, a Blackout attendant asks me which hand I grabbed the key and I say my right arm. I see a bucket of water and she tells me to wash my right arm and my entire sleeve is now drenched. Good job to the jaded viewer. I'm just making it far worse for myself than I think this should be.
  
  
  
• I now enter the final room where I see a completely naked woman with her ankle chained to the floor. She starts pleading for me to free her and starts telling me "he will be back soon". I get into panic mode and grab the lock on the chain. I start putting in the key and try to free her but it's not working. My brain is freezelocking and I start believing I don't know how to open a lock anymore. But it seems the key is too big and doesn't fit this lock. A sense of panic hits me as I keep thinking naked black man (from last year's haunt) is about to enter the room filled with vicious rage as I try to free "his victim". She then directs me to a bucket filled with water near a sink. She informs me to check the bucket. I'm a little weary about this bucket and I now fear anything filled with water. I sink my right arm into the bucket and look for a key and find it. I head over to naked lady victim and proceed to open the lock. She grabs my hand and we start making our way to the exit. I'm going to free the damsel in distress! I'm the final guy! I look back and she disappears and I'm shoved violently out of the house as a man yells "Get out of my house!"
  
  
• The End
  
  
• The few spectators waiting for their turn look at me and I look at them. I'm soaked, tired and my face is half smirking and half terrified. I've just survived Blackout Haunted House and I silently say in my head "Fuck yeah!"
  

There you have it. The Blackout Haunted House experience. I'm pretty sure I've forgotten a few things but I'm hoping you other survivors can fill in anything I missed or add a few moments that I didn't experience into the comments. Everybody had a few variations on their experience and I think it's worth sharing for all who went through it and especially people who didn't.

I'm not sure how many people went to Blackout this year. Probably way more than the previous 3 years combined. I'm curious as to how many people SAFETY-ied. Did Blackout keep track? It would totally be cool if they did. Speaking to the crew, they said it was around 20%. I still have so many unanswered questions and one day would love to meet my fellow survivor club members and anybody else who went to Blackout.

Oddly this little torturer's paradise has brought people together in one of the weirdest way possible. After reading the comments and Facebook messages, people are proud to be part of Blackout club. Like in Hostel, you're part of an elite group, survivors of the baddest haunted house in the country.

You probably told your family or friends what happened to you and they didn't believe you. You tell them it's the truth and they probably said: "Haunted houses can't touch you or do that shit you just said!" You reply: "But I signed a waiver!" It all sounds made up but YOU know it really happened....and so do a thousand others.

You're a survivor. And I'm proud to call you a jaded viewer as well.

Your Guide to the best NYC Haunted Houses (Happy Halloween!)

It's Halloween weekend! And I know you all want to get your scare on this weekend so I've compiled all the NYC Haunted Houses you need to check out. Remember, the lines this weekend are going to be long and really long. Crowds are gonna be crazy at each of these places but if you're willing to brave it, each haunted house will give you something to take away from it....be it some quick BOOs! or a demented trip into an interactive horror movie.

But all are fun in their own way. You'll either be tricked or get a damn good treat. Happy Halloween!

Check out my reviews for all the haunted houses I visited this year.

1. Blackout Haunted House
2. Nightmare Fairy Tales
3. Blood Manor
4. After Dark: The Haunting (at Madame Tussauds)
5. Times Scare NYC
   

I couldn't get to all the haunted houses but The Raven and the Black Cat was a soldier who went to almost all of them. Check out reviews for Nightmare: Z-Day, Steampunk Haunted House, Trapped in Purgatory, Nyctophobia Haunted House and Haunted Playhouse of Horrors

Be on the lookout for my Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough coming in early November!

Leave your thoughts on any haunted house you visit and if you want me to be like a boss and walk with you, just pay for my ticket, buy me a Jamba Juice and I'm there.

Blackout Haunted House (Review) (NYC Haunted House 2011)

. . .

There was once a boxer from Brooklyn who started making waves in the sport. At first, people would hear whispers and first hand accounts of a kid with a serious punch who was knocking the shit out of his opponents. Nobody knew if this kid actually existed but then he got some exposure and the knockouts kept coming. He soon became the world heavyweight champion.

He didn't come out to any fancy ring music. He didn't wear a robe but instead wore plain black trunks and plain black socks and sneakers. You knew what you were going to see when he stepped into the ring. You were going to see the most intimidating man on the fuckin planet and a scared shitless opponent. When the fight started, there were hits you didn't see coming, punches that came out of nowhere and a knockout that brought you to your feet. This poor opponent didn't stand a chance and was left beatened, downtrodden and utterly stunned by what had happened.

That's the best way to metaphorically describe Blackout Haunted House, bar none the best haunted house in NYC. It's like stepping into the ring with an in his prime Iron Mike Tyson and though you know you're gonna get the crap kicked out of you, you'll live to tell about it. What's more awesome than that?

Having attended last year (see review here and walkthrough here) and the Spring edition (see review here) I am truly proud to be part of "The Survivors Club", a group of 20 or so strong men and women who have become hardened veterans of Vortex Theater's Haunted House. These select few who went through the May "invite only" have experienced the most extreme trauma they've ever paid for. I think some have not spoken about it since that day (well except for me). But even as a survivor, I was still a little nervous of what was to come. I had a gut feeling Josh Randall and Kris Thor, the minds behind this fringe experiment in terror, would up the ante and go over and I mean way over the edge of their previous installments. And they totally freakin do.

Blackout is their best version yet. It's like being a star in a living, breathing torture porn horror movie. You're the final girl (or guy). You meet the characters of Blackout, interact with them and even push the story to its final conclusion. But make no mistake, it's not going to be an easy journey.

YOU WILL SUFFER.

YOU WILL BE TORTURED.

YOU WILL BE FORCED TO DO THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU SICK.

YOU WILL SEE THINGS YOU WISH YOU NEVER SAW.

But as all final girls/guys do, you're going to survive. It's the most gratifying feeling you will ever get. Being a survivor of Blackout Haunted House is a graduation from your most dreaded fears be it sexual depravity, germ warfare, Abu Gharab torture, claustrophobia and the eerie quiet of pitch black darkness. Blackout has conjured up a class in each of these and the only way you actually FAIL is by screaming the word: SAFETY. And as far as I know, they've gotten a ton of failing students.

I however got an A+ and never uttered the word. But the experience was still as frightening as ever. It seems, unknown to me, Josh had personalized my walkthrough. Characters were uttering MY NAME as they leveled me with trauma. That really hit hard for me and made it 10 times more intimidating. As much as it was a treat for me, it's not standard treatment so don't expect you'll be hearing your name in the darkness.

I'm not going to give a walkthrough and spoilers until after Halloween. So if you came here to read a step by step guide, move along this isn't the review you're looking for. But I will tell you that Blackout is 100 times better than it was last year and more terrifying than the Spring version. You will have to go through it alone and you are equipped with a protective mask and a flashlight and all the rules will come into play. You will be touched, pushed and shoved like a protester at Occupy Wall Street (but without the baton beatings and pepper spray attacks). It's this level of physicality that separates itself from all other haunted houses. Expect it...it's gonna happen and it's gonna freak you out.

Blackout is NYC Halloween Haunted House on Grade A steroids. The performances by the actors are stellar and frightening. The crew is more volatile and unyielding. The sets and rooms and backdrops are beautifully crafted and convey a filth and deterioration of utter despair and hopelessness. As you go from room to room, you slowly fall apart. I started very aware and was mentally preparing myself for what was to come. Rooms with high tech jeepers creepers bring the creepy. As you move on to total darkness, your eyes shut down and your other senses get heightened. I even began to get some sort of Spider Sense. As I sat in a room, possibly all alone? shining a pathetic flashlight on any thing I sensed was getting too close...my spider sense started tingling.

Then BOOM! here comes the torturous depravity and by the time that's ended I'm completely disoriented and in the midst of my panic I don't hear an order to walk down some stairs and I'm stumbling into rooms I've already been in and being pointed towards the way out. But it continues and continues and you have to keep trudging along knowing in the back of your mind there is an end to this madness.

My one gripe I always had with previous installments is that there was limited interaction with the characters. But that has all changed this year. I played the part of final hero guy and I played it well. You'll have to do actions when told to and some of these will make you gag and squirm. I even hesitated at times but I knew that in order to keep going I HAD TO DO IT. These new little quirks in the experience amplified the overall experience. You really do feel like your playing a part in a sadistic horror story that you've accidentally stumbled upon. And you don't even have to wait to get to the good parts. You're thrown right into the ending.

And it's an ending you won't forget.

Blackout Haunted House is the haunted house other haunted houses are afraid of. It may lack the glitzy blockbuster sets, tech and visuals of it's competition. It may not be artistic or thematic or have a catchy premise. But it is the best haunted house in NYC. It's pure blacked out storefront oozes of intimidation. Once you walk through the doors, you enter their ring.

Prepare to be knocked out.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Like Blackout Haunted House on Facebook
• Like the NYC Halloween Haunted House on Facebook
• Follow on Twitter
• Blackout Haunted House is located at 54 West 39th Street (between 5th & 6th) and it's close to all major subway lines
• Tickets are $35 and are usually get sold out quickly. You can purchase tickets here.
• Blackout Haunted House runs until Halloween, 10/31/11.
  
• For more photos of Blackout Haunted House, check out the jaded viewer Facebook page!
• Special Thanks to the crew and actors from Vortex Productions/Blackout HH for all the kind words about the jaded viewer and giving me an awesome experience!
  

Check out the trailer!

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Here is my walkthrough and spoiler review of Blackout Haunted House!

Did you survive Blackout Haunted House? Leave your thoughts and comments below!