Blackout Haunted House: Spring 2012 Edition (Review/Walkthrough)

"I'm being toyed with by a bunch of depraved children" 


- Nicholas Van Orton (The Game, 1997)

PROLOGUE

I've always had a fascination with participating in something only a few people get to do. Be it a flash mob, an ARG or an assassination game played with water guns. But unfortunately I haven't had the chance to do any of those as of yet. What I have done is be part of the legend that is Blackout Haunted House and experience their haunts like no other. I've been to 2 of their Halloween haunts and 1 of their Spring events. I'd like to say I'm a Blackout veteran but this haunted house has been around since 2009 and there are more hardcore fans than me.

I've received comments, tweets and e-mails from countless jaded viewers who will view the most sickest, disturbing and vile horror movies I recommend but won't ever ever...and I mean ever go to Blackout's haunt. They think it may be too intense for them to make it through. So they wait for me to give them the safe and easy way to experience it through this little corner of the interwebs and as you know I'm happy to oblige.

I've now met my fellow survivors (at a Blackout after event complete with free drinks) who, like me have survived this Spring 2012 edition and it's funny hearing that they read my past reviews and walkthroughs and it helped or convinced them to partake in Blackout's October and May haunts. I couldn't thank them enough because as a writer, the only feedback you get is through comments and this being the Internet, the majority are always negative. Hearing them say how much they liked the detailed dreamlike recount of what I experienced makes it all worthwhile when I do these. So I thank you guys for making me sound awesome.

But I digress. You didn't come here to read my rants and raves on my motivations and such. You came here to read about what only 20 or so people experienced last month. You're here to read about this underground haunted house that the other haunted houses talk about. You're here to read about the first rule of "Horror Club" is not to talk about "Horror Club". This legendary theater experience where you sign a waiver, have to read cryptic rules and has a fuckin SAFETY word. You've read all the other reviews, went to their official site and the Facebook page and are fascinated by the cryptic comments of the individuals, nay the survivors who participated on a sunny, ordinary weekend in one of the most creepiest and fucked up haunted experiences ever conceived.

So I'm here to tell you about the secret that is Blackout Haunted House's Spring 2012 haunt. The one you read about before and believed I totally made up. Hell, nobody I tell ever believes me. Why would they? Will you?

WARNING!!! 

[This review and walkthrough contains HEAVY MOTHERFUCKIN SPOILERS of this event. One day, when you do get the courage to attend a Blackout Haunted House event, you will want the same feeling I had not knowing what was going to happen. To feel the exhilaration of something horrificly awesome....a torment of fun. To experience Blackout to its fullest is to go there virgin fresh, free of spoilers and past knowledge of what occurred in previous incarnations. If you wish to experience this as many others have in a new and exciting way, STOP READING NOW. YES NOW!!! Go surf some porn, create a meme or watch a a kid get kicked in the groin on YouTube.] 

Now if you still wish to proceed. Scroll down like the pussy you are.











The Experience

It all starts with an e-mail. At midnight. The subject line reads: "It's time...you've been chosen". Dates are given on a weekend in May. One week later, more e-mails with more information. Then one week later you get the dreaded but exciting 3 dot e-mails. The 3rd e-mail has more information regarding where you'll meet, payment, confirmation of time and those rules. The rules, similar to the Halloween rules are slightly altered and slightly ominous. Lateness will not be tolerated and they stress that you MUST GO THROUGH THIS ALONE.

So on a warm, sunny Saturday night I headed to Manhattan to [LOCATION DELETED] at [TIME DELETED]. I'm unfamiliar with this section of the city and get a bit lost. It's [TIME DELETED] and I only have 3 minutes to get to [LOCATION DELETED]. If I'm late, I might have cost myself a chance to partake in the haunt. I make a wrong turn, see a familiar face and am told I'm not suppose to be here. Then down some steps I see the black t-shirt with those 3 dots and it's fuckin GO time. I had ran to the [LOCATION DELETED] and am now out of breath as I hear the man with the 3 dotted t-shirt ask if I'm The Jaded Viewer. I nod and say yes. I'm led to an empty phone booth. I stare at my fellow New Yorkers as they go enjoy this wonderful spring day. For the 45 or so minutes, I'm not going to be able to.

I soon catch my breath to hear what my guide has to say. I'm getting a bit anxious and nervous levels are increasing at toxic levels. I'm given a waiver to sign and am told to read through it thoroughly. Being the complete jaded viewer I am, I skim through it. I scan there will be VIOLENT AND SEXUAL SITUATIONS and something about being photographed. I've already signed one of these before so I sign my name immediately. Now I'm told to read the last part which has the word INDEMNITY in it. I fuckin ace it because I've been practicing the word in front of a mirror for the past 3 days (Fun Fact: I totally messed up this word in the last Spring Haunt). I also am told to turn off my phone.

Now that all the formalities are out of the way, it looks like we're ready to begin. I'm given an envelope with my name on it and am told to head down the street . So I start walking.  One can't prepare for the level of intensity when this shit starts. True blinding paranoia creeps in like a mothefucker. I walk down one block and start looking around. In the corner of my eye, I spot a large bearded man with a baseball cap in front of me. We both stop at the cross walk. I have no idea if he's "in on it". But I keep my eye on him. He looks waaaaay fuckin shady but then again everybody in NYC looks waaay fuckin shady (even myself). I walk down another block and I start to look behind me (because I know from my past experience and countless horror movies, that you need to do this every 5 goddamn minutes). I see a group of Asian girls who look like tourists. Would Blackout have recruited giggling Asian girls to distract me? How cunning they are. You smart motherfuckers. No, no. Red fuckin herring right there.

More walking I start sweating not from the heat but my mind is doing that Matrix thing and telling my body you're fuckin nervous, let's perspire profusely. Suddenly, I hear loud running footsteps and see the MAN. He is in on it and he hands me a flip cell phone and tells me to answer it and to follow the instructions I am given. I quickly head to an open public phone booth and await the call. I see the giggling Asian tourist girls looking at me all weird. In America, it's perfectly normal for strangers to hand over cell phones and look menacing. The cell phone rings and I answer it. I try to filter out the city noise and listen intently. I'm told to open my envelope which I rip open like a kid looking for birthday money. In the envelope is a hotel key card and on some printed paper are INSTRUCTIONS  in big bold letters. I am asked by the man over the phone to read the instructions.

There are 6 directions listed. Number 1 is to go to a [LOCATION DELETED] and go to Room #309. Directions from the lobby are given. Number 2 is to enter the room and go to the desk by the window. Number 3 tells me there is a gift waiting for me and I'm to take my shoes and socks off, leave them by the bed and to place the phone by the nightstand. Number 4 is to turn off ALL the lights. Number 5 is to crawl into bed and get under the covers. Finally, Number 6 is to Go to Sleep.

The voice over the phone tells me to look to my left and if I see the [LOCATION DELETED]. I see a hotel in the distance and am told to walk to it. The phone conversation ends and I make my way to the hotel entrance. What the hell have I gotten myself into? In an odd way, this time around I was able to take in what was happening. This haunt compared to the past ones had moments of lull, some nothingness which seemed to build up the anticipation while simultaneously angering me to the fact I had paid for nothing to happen. But we'll get back to that in a second.

As I make my way to the lobby, it's a crowded scene. Hotel staff are checking in tourists, guests are scattered about and kids are running around. I look at my directions and follow them precisely. I see a hotel bar and quickly scan it but I know I'm on a schedule. I see the elevator I am suppose to use and see a family also waiting for it as well. I get into the elevator with the father and his kids and give them a skeptical look. Hmmm, would Blackout use a family as a smokescreen for something else? You sick bastards! The family gets out with me and I start searching for Room #309. The family quickly scoots ahead of me and enters the room across from 309. Well now I'm seeing these decoys in a whole new light. If they have to come into play, Blackout has really out done themselves.

I enter the room and follow my written instructions. It's an ordinary hotel room with 2 double beds. The beds and been stripped of bed sheets thought a lone pillow and cover lie perfectly made. 3 lamps are illuminating this room and the AC is humming inconsistently. I see the desk by the window and go to it. I see my gift which is a shot of whiskey. Never to turn down a shot, I take a deep breathe and down it, as some of my liquid courage trickles down my mouth. My nerves now at threat level WTF are still in the red and the shot does nothing to calm them down. Also, leave it to me to prepare by only having coffee and leftover pizza in my stomach. I leave the phone by the nightstand and take off my sneakers and socks and leave them at the foot of the bed. I then start turning off all 3 lights in the room. I crawl into bed, my glasses still on (because I'm completely dumb) and put the blanket over me.

It's now completely pitch black in the room with only the red glow of what I perceive are cameras to my left and in front of me. The hum of the AC seems louder. At this point and I close my eyes.

As I await my fate, minutes feel like decades. Childhood fears are brought back to life as I for one was one of those kids that slept with a night light. When I was young, my night light broke and I started whimpering for my mommy. (OK full disclosure, this happened last week) Pitch blackness is a level of terror Blackout has has done before and so oddly enough I will admit, I was jaded (yeah I made that pun, sue me). It's an effect that amplifies every creak, every sound, every gasp. You're now limited by to only a few senses and because of this the chills are echoed throughout. As I closed my eyes, knowing full well shit would hit the fan at any moment, I got a sense of serenity. Waiting builds up tension for noobs, but for a veteran like myself I was slightly angered shit wasn't happening at a quicker pace. Now having looked back upon this, the effect Blackout was going for is to be admired and designed for the newbie experience. Such is the way of things.

Now my sixth sense had told me people were in the room with me. I could hear the tap of footsteps and I was hearing a hollow breath of fucked up people who wanted to do fucked up things to me. I feel a touch on my foot, then my face. Two living breathing human beings are now getting into bed with me and I can't see a thing. They start to squeeze my body from both sides of the bed and they are breathing into both my left and right ear simultaneously with a level of maximus. It's a level of pseudo paranormal weirdness that is way beyond I could have ever come up with. As the breathing into my face went from slow, to medium to insane it abruptly ends.

In a film-like quick edit of a home invasion gone awry, the lights turned on, I see the fleeting faces of my bed mates and a pillow case is thrown over my head. I'm told to get up, then bear hugged, and I am guided to the bathroom. I hear the bathroom door close behind me. As I stand in the bathroom, bare foot with a pillow case over my head my mind races and prepares for the WATERBOARDING. I believe this is going to happen because it has happened before. Would the levels of this go up a notch? Would they decide to outdo the CIA? Would I call SAFETY in the midst of a waterboarding that would reach extreme levels? When faced with a situation one has done before, it feels familiar. But instead of the familiar, I instead hear a voice in the bathroom with me.

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK???

I instead hear a voice telling me to "REMOVE YOUR HOOD". I proceed to do so and look around. It's your typical hotel bathroom, sink with no mirror. Toilet and in the corner was a pile of dirty towels. A bathtub lay in front of me with an ominous curtain and the drips of water emanating from it.

I say hello or something to that affect. The voice, in a scratchy Dark Knight sorta way, implores me to "OPEN THE CURTAIN". Well I've watched countless horror movies. In every horror movie, there's a door or a box or something somebody opens and they do it waaaaaaaaaaaay fuckin slowly. I'm not going to do that. You know you've seen it before. And oddly enough, I also became a human horror cliche. I too, hesitated a moment, fearful of what was behind that damn curtain. But being the veteran I am, ripped open the curtain and too my surprise what was behind it was not a sight I thought I would have imagined.

In the bathtub lay a completely naked woman. She lay there motionless with a white hood over her head.I scanned her body (which every red blooded American male instinctively does when they see a member of the opposite sex in their birthday suit). She coughs, a choking cough that jolts me a bit. The voice says to "REMOVE THE HOOD" and clearly this is the penultimate scene of my personalized horror movie. You would have thought years of watching horror movies would have prepared me to remove a hood covering the head of a naked girl in a bathtub, but until faced with it, you start to realize IRL shit is way fuckin different and terrifying from horror movie cliche shit. Preparing myself for the worst, I remove the hood.......

.....and see the sight of an attractive girl, piercing eyes with curly brunette hair.

She asks for "PILLS" and before she even completes the word, I'm frantically looking around the bathroom for them. I toss some towels to the side, look around the toilet and then realize she is pointing to a pill bottle on the soap holder. I quickly open the pills and as she opens her mouth I drop one in. Her voice then echoes for "WATER". I look around and see a spray bottle and rapidly unscrew it and pour a few drops into her mouth. She gulps it down, her throat clearing and she starts to sit up.

I start to kneel down. She starts to whisper in my ear. She asks for my name. I oblige hesitantly as the rule of NO TALKING, reminds me I should have not said that. She gets up from the bathtub and I start to slowly back away to the far edge of the bathroom. She is now a sight to behold. I'll admit, a pretty awesome sight. There are only a few instances where a naked girl means only one thing (yup, I know strip clubs come to mind as well) but the other one....well you know.

She is now standing in front of a fully clothed me and whispers into my left ear "I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT". Oh shit. Bow chicka wow wow. I start to try to focus. Is this a good time to ask if she wants to get a cup of coffee?  Talk about any good movies she's seen? I start to raise my hands, wary that one of the rules was to NEVER TOUCH THE ACTORS. I know fully well I'm here to experience a feargasm but instead I'm getting a fear-rection. She starts to touch me provocatively (is this shit going to turn into 50 Shades of Grey, not that I read it) and a few hints of groping seem to be in action. And at that moment of fearful bliss, shit hits the fan.

The freed captive girl starts to remove my buttoned down shirt and the t-shirt I have underneath. Throwing it on the floor, she starts to unbuckle my belt and pulls down both my jeans and boxers. HOLY FUCKIN SHIT. I'm now completely fuckin naked with a half stock. She moves in closer. Her naked body, my naked body and I feel helpless. Would she start to go all Basic Instinct on me? Her hands move around my exposed flesh, she touches the back of my neck and now she's breathing into my ear. Wow. Then.... [NEXT 2 SENTENCES DELETED]

I had not been expecting any nudity this time around, especially from me. I figured from last year, they'd forgo that gimmick and pick fears they hadn't utilized yet. She opens the bathroom door with my clothes and leaves and now I'm standing naked in a red tinted bathroom. The red tint is coming from a camera strategically placed in the bathroom. I start to use my hands to cover up but I realize this is fuckin useless. Under my breath, I curse Blackout. "YOU FUCKIN ASSHOLES" I mutter. It's a slight uncomfortable feeling being naked, in a bathroom in a strange hotel room. But if this is what I had to do, this is what I had to do.

Nudity is a sinking vulnerable feeling. But having done this last year, one realizes what one is capable of. Sure there was no hospital gown this time but I was willing to strangely take whatever the experience presented me. And then the girl came back in.

She presents me with night vision goggles and a flashlight and tells me to head to the desk. I have no way of covering up so I hold the goggles with one hand and the flashlight with the other. Peering through the grainy blue tinted goggles I look around the room. It's an exciting feeling, one part voyeur another part POV horror come to life. Creatively, it's ingenious to use the night vision to create an atmosphere of unknown dread. I admit, I liked this part. I felt like my POV has changed mid movie and from this 1st person perspective, they've limited my field of vision.  I make my way to the desk. My recollection gets fuzzy though I'm handed a phone (or was it there?) and it rings. I answer it and am ordered to write my name and home address. I place the goggles down and am now naked, sitting at a desk, fiddling with a flashlight in my left hand while writing in bad penmanship my name/address. A man is over my right shoulder. The phone call ends and the man tells me to place the phone on the desk.

Lights come back up.

Between the two beds lies Saran plastic wrap with a big X marked at the front. I am told to place "MY FOREHEAD on the X". I proceed to do so and have my hands in a dead man's position like I'm surrendering to cops. This is the climax, the pinnacle of the Blackout experience and I start to think really bad things. I start to think everything else was a cake walk compared to what may happen. I actually start to think about what I look like, buck naked lying on a hotel floor. It must be surely a sight. To the people that may use Room 309 after me, I apologize. I start to actually have the wiggins. I feel a hand put my arms to my side. And then BOOM!

I'm being wrapped in plastic, a big naked burrito with 2 large men on top of me. It's a helpless feeling but an exhilarating one as well. One man in all black yells at me. "IT'S NEVER OVER!!!!". He probably has more dialogue but I have forgotten it. I'm released by my burrito prison and see my clothes lined up on the bed.

The man proceeds to inform me I have 90 seconds to put my clothes on and exit the hotel. I'm like a speed freak and start putting on my boxers, my jeans. 60 seconds. Then my t-shirt. 45 seconds he says calmly. I see my socks and realize I won't have time. I stuff them into my pocket. 30 seconds. I put on my other shirt, a button down and get a few buttons in. 15 seconds. I slide into my sneakers as fast as possible. 10 seconds. I search for my glasses and realize they are on my FUCKIN FACE already. 5 seconds. I dash out of the room and close the door behind me.

I head to the elevator and evaluate my attire. I'm a bit of a wreck but I look passable. I wait for the elevator and get in. I start to check for my phone but realize before I start tweeting or Facebooking, I should get out of Dodge as quickly as fuckin possible. I exit the elevator, the light from the bright lobby is a sight. Normal people, doing normal things. I scan the people's faces, looking for a clue on what may happen next. It's a normal world. I make my way out into the street and head east. I look behind me a few times because remember, that's one of my fuckin rules. There is some remnant sun, but as I'm a block away from the hotel, I realize that's it. It's over.

I am a survivor.

The Aftermath

2 blocks down I see a stoop and put my socks on. It must be quite a sight from the looks of passerbys like I had just come from a close encounter in a Lifetime movie of the week. I find a nice park and do what I always do, take notes. And I start to Facebook and Tweet. Here is that first tweet.



I write on the jaded viewer Facebook page:

A review is coming for Blackout Haunted House's Spring Haunt. Yes it was as fucked up as advertised and lives up to it's reputation of being a fully interactive horror scene incarnate . It was innovative but had its flaws as well. Clearly, I will never tell my grandchildren about what happened last Saturday.

Later on, I  meet up with The Raven and the Black Cat and another fellow survivor for some much needed alcohol. We compare notes. We start discussing what we liked and what we disliked. It's much needed therapy from an exhausting yet oddly stimulating Saturday night.

Final Thoughts

Blackout Haunted House 2012 Spring edition is best described as a sequel with more extreme torture, more extreme nudity and more WTF. They definitely do put the FUCK in WTF. It's an experience that tests your boundaries. Are you willing to pass a line of no return? Can you give yourself up for less than an hour to Josh and Kris (creators of Blackout) and his crew and have them mindfuck you? That's the question I've always asked myself and the answer is yes. Because when will you ever have the opportunity to participate in a bit of theater, a bit of a horror movie designed around you and where normalcy gets thrown out the window.

Sure it's fake, sure it's make believe but your mind will play tricks on you and start to blend fantasy with reality. It's your 15 minutes and for a few depraved like myself, it's an outlet to role play. Answering mysterious phone calls, following instructions, going to spooky hotels. It's horror fantasy camp for adults.

What it lacked is what I've always complained about in the last Blackout haunts. The lack of story. I thought I paid to follow a narrative and I like piecing a story together. No such luck here.The haunt can be best categorized into 4 different sections.

1.) The Streets
2.)  Hotel Room Blackout Games
3.) Bathroom Speed Dating
4.) The Human Burrito

All of these are separate entities in itself and all together form no coherent story. The cat and mouse of the streets was fun and exciting. The darkness of the hotel room games was a rush into Paranormal Activity chills and supernatural craziness. The bathroom's get to know each other had elements of a frantic horror scene gone porno. And well for the Human Burrito, it's home invasion madness meets a Euro-trash/HK Category III slasher flick. Each section had some level of excitement but put together they didn't form Voltron. And at the end of the day, don't you wanna see Voltron instead of those damn fuckin Lions?

I proposed scenarios of a kidnapping/ransom plot which could have sorta tied everything together. Another idea rumbling around my head would be seeing the person who was ahead of you in the haunt  be violated. Seeing what happened to them might make me slightly disturbed. If I'm interacting, making choices and pushing the scene along, like a video game character...I want to know WHY I'm doing all this. But Josh has always said, the narrative gets thrown out in these things. It isn't Shakespeare but taking the mold of a situation and playing on the fear of it all is how it works. I understand that point. I experienced that point as well.

But a story doesn't hurt.

I can't help but compare with what I experienced last year. Be it partly because it was my first Spring haunt and the scenarios played out like nothing I was expecting, it felt more awesomer. All my senses were amplified in a way that brought about a real tangible fear.What last year lacked was a sense of claustrophobia-ness. However, this year the hotel room added that. The actors gave a level of intensity that mimicked a unseen mastermind, directing the action from the comfort of a surveillance room. A sorta rich man's game with a degree in psychological torture.  The bathroom woman had a seemingly exhaustive endeavor to create a sense of false security. Clearly it worked on me, her performance was on point (pun intended).

I enjoyed the world I inhabited a couple of Saturdays ago. I get an adrenaline rush NOT KNOWING what may happen. Blackout has always developed situations that get the maximum emotional effect. Their brilliance is in their simplicity. They push the boundaries of what a haunted house is suppose to be. They have a working Horror Fantasy Club, talked about in the shadows of Internet message boards and cryptic Facebook comments. Grown in NYC, the legend of Blackout now has no borders. It's a product of a society looking for an escape. It is why it works on so many levels. It is why I keep going back. It's an addiction like no other.

In this 9 to 5 world of America, we sit in a world complacent and safe. Like in David Fincher's The Game, we need to feel alive, to experience the rawest emotions, the situations that test your resolve. We need a Consumer Recreational Service (CRS) for the millennium age.

Blackout has answered the call.

Check out my past reviews and for more info on Blackout Haunted House check out the links below.

• Walkthrough/Spoilers of Blackout Haunted House (2011) 
• Review of Blackout Haunted House (2011) 
• Walkthrough/Spoilers Review of Blackout Haunted House (Spring Edition 2011)
• Review of NYC Halloween Haunted House (2010)
• Walkthrough/Spoiler of Blackout Haunted House (2010)
• Official Site
• Facebook Page

Would you have participated in Blackout's world of torturous party games? Sound off my fellow jaded viewers.

EXCLUSIVE! The Client List TV Plot Summaries Revealed!

When I first noticed Jennifer Love Hewitt's BOOBS were starring in "The Client List" I knew I had to write up a post on this awesomeness that would be unleashed on cable television. The poster, production photos and sneak peak videos were such a tease on the male American audience. So many questions came to mind. Would J-Love's boobs be able to give a star performance? Would we be able to accept them on the screen every time? Would we see them bounce? Were they still perfect like they were when she twirled around in I Know What You Did Last Summer?

These critical questions were answered with a resounding YES!

It was the best made for TV movie starring a pair of boobs...well ever (check out my review made of live tweets HERE!). But now, the gods of cleavage have gifted us again. Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs will return and star in The Client List: the TV show!!! Yes my fellow boob hounds, we are going to get to enjoy J-Love in various states of undress, meet a unknowing husband and kids and see some Forever Alone sleazy johns week after week!

So what's this series all about? Let's go over the plot first.

Everyone’s got something to hide and Riley Parks is no exception. Jennifer Love Hewitt plays Riley, a single mother, living in a small Texas town and leading a shocking double life. Her secret would send shockwaves through the community and possibly land her in jail if it was ever exposed. Riley’s taken a job at a seemingly traditional day spa, but soon realizes that the parlor offers a little more than just massage therapy. It’s not the happy ending she was expecting but it does open her eyes to a world she’s never seen before. The series follows Riley balancing these two worlds - one that revolves around her kids and family - and the other that revolves around the massage parlor and it’s special clientele. These two worlds couldn’t be farther apart, yet she’s totally comfortable in both. Keeping them separate … now that’s the tricky part as she discovers she’s not the only one with secrets.

You totally didn't read that didn't you?

OK check out this music video/teaser. This will get your tent pole up.

Now check out this behind the scenes footage. One promo has J-Love's boobs popping out during an interview. This ain't your momma's Lifetime.



I think you all need a break. Here's a picture for you to look at.

Put those tissues down. You done? Now check this craziness out. Our main character, Riley Parks has a Twitter account!

The bio reads:

Hi, I'm Riley Parks. Just a small town girl who LOVES karaoke, a good margarita and my two kids Katie & Travis. (Beaumont, TX)

Isn't that cute?

But you've all been waiting for that big exclusive right? Well here you go. I've received the plot summaries of the first 10 episodes of The Client List! You haven't seen anything yet as these future episodes are steamier than a Turkish bathhouse.

1.) Episode 1: "Pilot"

Riley Parks starts her first day as a masseuse but has quickly realizes things aren't as they seem. As she works up the courage to "satisfy" her first customer, she accidentally pulls the wrong muscle. To make matters worse, she has to pick up her son from Little League during the incident leaving the client worse for wear.

2.) Episode 2: "Slippery when Wet"

An Olympic gold medalist swimmer comes into the spa looking for more than a massage from Selena, a fellow masseuse. Unfortunately she has trouble satisfying his every need (marijuana, sub sandwiches) and asks Riley for help. Riley, who has at the same time having bedroom troubles with her husband Colin, agrees. However, she asks for a favor from Selena that will have everybody seeing threes.

3.) Episode 3: "Happy Beginnings"

Riley encounters a customer who is willing to give her a bonus if she performs "characters" for his pleasure. These include being a psychic, a horror scream queen, the popular teen girl and Audrey Hepburn. Riley agrees and soon starts lavishing her family with gifts making husband Colin and her mother suspicious. Soon both husband and mother start tailing Riley across town and wonder why she's buying a Wonder Woman outfit. How will Riley explain her odd purchases and who actually is following who?

4.) Episode 4: "Riley does Beaumont"

Riley encounters a few customers including her nephew who is obsessed with cyberporn. Meanwhile, Riley's daughter is being cyberbullied by unknown students. As she tries to juggle these family issues, the spa gets a case of the paranormal that is scaring everyone. Who can talk to these ghosts and make them see the light?

5.) Episode 5: "The Massage Oils of War"

When a rival massage parlor opens across the street, the ladies of the day spa start checking out the competition. Riley and Jolene (a fellow coworker) convince one of their clients to "spy" on the new place and start to realize he isn't the only one not coming back to the spa. As tensions mount between owners, it's up to Riley and her crew to make sure the up and coming parlor know a full blown explosion is just and the corner if they don't stop stealing their customers.

Are you looking forward to seeing The Client List? Sound off. I'll be live tweeting and reviewing it when it airs. The Client List premieres on Lifetime on April 8th. Check out the official site more info.

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (Review)

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (2010)

Directed by Uwe Boll

I don't think I've seen a Uwe Boll movie since Postal.

Avoiding Uwe Boll movies isn't to hard. But Brendan Fletcher (a Boll regular) reminds us that the reason Uwe Boll's names keep popping up on the Interwebs is because websites give him the free coverage he knows he'll get if he keeps making fucked up movies. For every Auschwitz he makes, he does make a Bloodrayne 3.

So I'm as guilty as everybody else when I review this 3rd installment of Bloodrayne. I try to go in and hope it's tolerable but it's inevitable that this flick was doomed from the start.

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich is the equivalent of seeing a monkey throw its own feces at a tiger. It's kinda goofy and totally outrageous. You're hoping to see the tiger just rip the monkey to shreds. But all we get is more feces thrown all over the place. Yup...there's shit all over the place.

In between the lovely Natassia Malthe as Rayne slices and dices, has lesbian sex then in one of the most WTF moments ever has sex with a resistance fighter in the back of a Nazi truck where they are prisoners headed to their execution. Read that sentence again. Got it? Now that's Uwe Boll making sure we get ample boobage no matter what the situation.

I don't have to lecture you on the Uwe Boll movie game to film process. It's pretty shitty all around. So here are some pics and clips to save you 70 minutes of your time.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Rayne fights against the Nazis in Europe during World War II, encountering Ekart Brand, a Nazi leader whose target is to inject Adolf Hitler with Rayne's blood in an attempt to transform him into a dhampir and attain immortality.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK you probably want to see Natassia Malthe naked because as well as killing Nazis and Nazi vampires she still has time to get some lesbo sex and fuck in the back of a Nazi trunk. So this be your exit to see her boobage. See am I not thinking of your best interests?

Let's check out some pics.

There isn't any way I could maintain eye contact with Rayne

These aren't your Indiana Jones Nazis

I don't know why she's wearing that leather hat thing either

Sometimes you gotta kill Nazi vampires in a bikini

Here's some clips. I'll set them up for you.

Here's Rayne distracting the soldiers with her cleavage. It works every time.

Lots of voice over dialogue just to see her cleavage.



She just had lesbian sex 2 minutes before this action scene.



Here's the trailer.



Nude-ipedia

Natassia Malthe gets naked for all of us

Gore-ipedia

Lots of standard slice and dice, decaps and vamps turning into ooze

WTF moment

Really? A sex scene in the back of a moving Nazi truck where your like 5 min away from being executed?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Ummm I liked Kristinna Loken better.

Rating:

Pornstars in horror films: Yay or Nay?

Yes I'm posing that question to you all. Is it a good thing or does it make a indie horror film better when their is a pornstar in it?

The most recent pornstar cameo in a horror film has gotta be Riley Steele's performance in Piranha 3D. The movie itself was awesome and somehow her appearance fit in with the Girls Gone Wild theme. But I've noticed a trend of late of pornstars being top billed on indie horror flicks like somehow we're going to flock to theaters or q up the Netflix because hot Pornstar A is in it.

Really? I mean really? It's obvious this type of casting is done to get more exposure for your indie horror film. But aren't you already sabotaging your film by making it "XXX Pornstar's first mainstream film!" What a disservice it is if the film might actually be good. Yeah right.

We can see these girls in action with a click of our mouse. Do I really need to see them half naked screaming with blood oozing down their heaving chest...umm I'll be right back.

Where are those tissues?

OK I'm back.

Below you'll find the invasion of pornstars in indie horror flicks. The one's below showcase the pornstar with actual speaking lines and who have a significant part in the film. Not like a Jenna Jameson cameo for like 5 secs.

What do you think?

The most recent......

Title: Bloodlust Zombies
Pornstar: Alexis Texas
The Jaded Viewer says: She's covered in blood as expected and somebody acknowledges a dancing naked lady. Really? This is the 2nd time Breaking Glass Pictures has distributed a flick like this.

Title: Half Moon
Pornstar: Tori Black
The Jaded Viewer says: OMG I reviewed this film. Check out my review here. It's so bad, it's like the anti-Viagra. The first flick via BGP I know of with a pornstar hyped as the lead. Sigh.




Title: Smash Cut
Pornstar: Sasha Grey
The Jaded Viewer says: Sasha Grey's acting seems so slacker-ish. Like she's disinterested in whatever she's doing. It's probably because she's not use to acting without something in her mouth.




Title: Piranha 3D
Pornstar: Riley Steele
The Jaded Viewer says: Review of the flick here. Riley Steele fits into her role here actually perfectly. And that skinny dipping scene....just pure gratuitous naked awesomeness.



So pornstars in horror films: yay or nay? Chime in via the comments.

I stayed up until 1am for this? An Ode to the Spice Channel

Is that a nipple?

I've neglected far too long the Erotica part of the jaded viewer tagline. So, this post is rectify the situation and to go all nostalgia for my jaded viewers who are old enough to remember the days of scrambled porn.

If you were like me, back in the late 80s and early 90s when you got your first cable box you were like a kid celebrating Christmas. These teen years were full of awe and wonder...and the search for free porn. With cable, gone were the days of finding a Playboy in your friend's fathers secret stash. Now you had to find that friend who had a illegal descrambled cable box or didn't give a shit and ordered that pricey Spice Channel.

But we all had the same methods to get a glimpse of a boob or something simulating that would be stimulating. I've compiled the list below from various message boards on the Internet that we all remember vividly on what we did to get our fix.

• The closest thing to the Spice Channel was HBO After Dark. Red Shoe Diaries and the like were a taste of the Skinemax
  
  
• During the day, the Spice channel was "The Box" a music video channel where you called in and ordered a music video you wanted to hear (shit was 99 cents!) (One time, it was all Wu Tang all the time because of me)
  
  
• If you kept flipping the Spice channel back and forth with another channel, there were times you could get 5 seconds of footage. Of course it usually was 5 seconds of a fully clothed couple kissing or *gasp* reciting cheesy sensual dialogue
  
  
• You got the audio to work only and never was moaning and groaning so wonderful to a 13 year old's ears
  
  
• Sometimes, you'd even get a full few minutes of Spice channel unscrambled and you'd search for a blank tape, pop it into your VCR and tape that motherfucker but by the time you pressed record and play (you remember taping shit in a VCR, SLP Mode!), it'd be fuckin gone
  
  
• When the channel was started for late night programming, you'd get the beginning of a movie they were featuring...sometimes for like 10 minutes...then it would go all scrambly
  
  
• You'd be at your friend's house who owned an illegal cable box and when his parents were out of the room, you'd switch from wrestling to the Playboy or Spice channel
  

Alas, all these problems were solved as you got older. I'm sure all of you at some point found your dad's secret stash of vintage 70s porn or horded all those early Victoria Secret catalogs. And admit it, that Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was the fuckin bomb. I remember there was a sports magazine called Inside Sports that had a more graphic swimsuit issue than SI's. Classy they were not.

So what did you miss? Well thanks to "Wildcock23" from YouTube, you can finally view what you missed all those years. And it looks to not be much. **SHIVERS** Oh 90s pornstars had big hair, were kinda fat and a wee bit hairy. And you gotta love the pun names (Sindee Cox!)

Wow after viewing some of the vids below, the Spice Channel had some odd programming and some hilarious parody movies. Can you believe you stayed up until 1am for this? Check out the footage......all finally unscrambled. SFW BTW.


Oh oh. It's Sexual Anarchy!



He's Passenger 69!



Pizza Pizza! By the Slice!



Check out more videos here.

So do you have any memories you'd like to share? I'm guessing you're all too embarrassed to admit it. Gone are the days of rejoicing if you saw a side boob at 2am. Share your thoughts.

Fright Flick (Review)

Fright Flick

Fright Flick (2011)

Directed by Israel Luna

[screener provided by Breaking Glass Pictures]

Ho Hum. It's another slasher flick with a movie in a movie gimmick. Right off the tranny heels of Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives, Israel Luna brings us another homage of sorts with Fright Flick. This slasher flick seems to be Luna's take on those campy and cartooney 80s slasher flicks of old.

I'm all for keeping it old school and seeing a few blood splattered walls and neck trauma but Fright Flick is so generic and assembly line produced I'd rather watch a rom com.

The movie relishes in playing out a horror movie within a horror movie set. Cast of characters include our gay as hell director and make up artist, greedy producer, eager script writers, line producers, PAs and big breasted actresses. Soon a mysterious killer is slicing and dicing our cast and crew until our back to scenes guy gathers the clues to find out who's been naughty.

I'm not sure where Luna wanted to go here (he wrote and directed). With Trannies, the exploitation gimmick with a twist made an ordinary grindhouse flick feel new and inventive. But here, the horror movie production that's real twist has been used in so many ways, you might as well just go 360 and make the horror movie the actual horror movie within the film.

Fright Flick is campy and corny and jokey...like Jokey Smurf. Sure the explosion in a gift gag is funny the first 3 times but after a while you want Gargamel to eat that motherfucker. We carefully encounter a reveal which can be easily figured out using your standard Sherlock Holmes detective manual.

The gore is pretty standard as is the nudity. I mean big boobies on girls that look like 6's at best kinda sucks. The ending goes as far as copying shot for shot the ending of an infamous slasher flick of the 80s. With all this, the movie falls flat like the survivor girl's chest.

Luna has the talent to push the edges of indie horror in a refreshing way but Fright Flick is like his Mallrats. Sometimes your going to make a movie that just plain sucks. It's good to get it out of the way now.

Gore-ipedia

Slice and Dice

Nude-ipedia

Boobies all around by at best 6's

WTF moment

That shot for shot ending from that movie with the psycho mom

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Fright Flick will be released on DVD via Breaking Glass Pictures from their Vicious Circle Films label. It's now available on DVD as of Jan 25th.

The Vitals

• The official site
  
• Facebook page
• Order the DVD via Breaking Glass Pictures
  

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

Things I Learned Researching Japanese Genki Porn on the Internet

After my random discovery of this YouTube subculture that embraces sick and twisted fucked up films, I have to say I applaud some of them for owning the sickest shit I've ever heard of. I mean many films on their list are now commonplace in the world of mainstream underground horror. Guinea Pig Series, August Underground trilogy and your standard rape and revenge flicks are now readily available for purchase. Back in the day, the only way to get these flicks was through horror trading and conventions.

Call me a fuddy duddy, but it was a little exciting back in the day to get these movies via VHS through a 3rd generation dub, but with the advent of the intertubes anybody can download them from a torrent site or through eBay.

But it seems even the hardcore of the hardcore obtain films that have not made it yet to the mainstreemy underground. Most of the YouTubers mentioned owning Genki porno films. I was vaguely familiar with this Japanese subgenre but it seems its just standard for these hardcore underground enthusiasts.

Japanese have their scat porn and their genki porn. It's a double whammy and honestly I've seen neither. I do not want to actually see this and my only viewing of shit eating was everybody's shared YouTube experience of 2 Girls, 1 Cup. So let's talk about the latter. Genki porn is the genius of Daikichi Amano who takes this fetish so far off the edge, I can't believe this actually exists on Planet Earth.

Daikichi started off doing straight Japanese AV, moved on to dog on human female porn then to bug eating and fish insertion in the hoohaa porn. But my discovery of the site where you can view this sick shit is mesmerizing to say the least.

Genki-Genki.com

I implore you to not click on this link if you're not prepared to see photos of some of the grossest shit ever put on the web. Thank the horror gods the videos are pay to see. One of the most interesting and hilarious things on the site are the Engrish translations of the titles.

• The crunch a cockroach and abuse it with lechery

• The red iron is eroded by a beating cockroach and earthworm
  

• The insect that a cockroach makes noise in witty greed
  

• The cockroach is jealous of an earthworm in a vagina to dislike

• The helpless eyes by the neck torture

• The earthworm is vagina in an adhering to desire and a spiral

• Obscene doll that fritters white sigh and drops to black dripping

• The tragedy that earthworm is bitten to skin and shouted
  

OK that's a few of these insane titles. The pictures that accompany the movies are dry heaves that will make even the most jaded viewer squirm. And squirmfest you will. Yikes. Never in my wildest imagination would this type of porn be a turn on.

But to each his own. If you ever said to yourself "Hey I always wanted to have eels and fish eggs inserted into my vagina or asshole" YOU to can star in your very own Genki!!! All you have to do is fill out a form. Ahhh the simplicity of the internet. Connecting fucked up porn fetish enthusiasts together.

"If you want to remain anonymous on film we will find a way to do that."

See? They're concerned about your privacy! Not like those bastards at Facebook. I mean your face is not going to be in most of the movie y'know?

I mean wouldn't you want to tell your parents you were in an actual motion picture?

Daikichi Amano is a weirdo.

Daikichi Amano is an odd man himself. His photos are quirky weird to say the least as you can see by clicking here to head to his official site. Lots of eel on woman, eel on man, cocoons, dolls and just overall weirdness. I mean his photos are sometimes happy. See happy Japanese girl eating earthworms!!!




Some are cute with a hint of yucky.



Then some are just outright vomitorium pics.




And finally others are just WTF?!?!




An Inside Look into Daikichi Amano and his world of Japanese eel porn.

Finally, the most informative thing I found was Viceland's video of Daikichi with a group of Americans as they got an inside tour of Japan and their obsession with anime and genki. This video gives a behind the scene look of Daikichi's creation of his "pornos"





If the video doesn't work, click here to watch it.

So now you know what I know. Are you now ill and feel nauseous now? Jeez, I am. I mean I feel like some of these photos are burned into my brain. The one final question you might be asking is:

WHAT THE HELL DOES GENKI MEAN?

Well this dude happily gives us the definition.





Well isn't that ironic. It means happy and full of life. I thought it meant "fucked up fuckedupness". Be genki!!!

Sorry folks, there will probably no reviews for genki porn on the jaded viewer. It's a line that I won't cross. What's yours?

A Serbian Film (Review)

A Serbian Film

A Serbian Film (2010)
Directed by Srdjan Spasojevic

"It's like a cartoon for grownups"

That's a quote from one of the characters in A Serbian Film, which by now if you're a fan of the film festival circuit, you know about the reputation this film has received.

Was it a movie critiquing the Serbian government's brainwashing of ordinary citizens into committing atrocities during the war? Or is it a vile, disgusting piece of crap pretending to be art?

Honestly, I don't know. As I watched I tried to see if there was satire as we watch the de-evolution of our main character Milos. But viewing fucked up scene after fucked up scene, I was kind of shocked into a jaded submission of WTF. Something is being said about the Serbian's ravaged past but all that kept echoing was "NEWBORN PORN!"

That is one of the many fucked up things that happens in A Serbian Film.

Critics have either praised or been disgusted by the film and I now know why. Having heard of this film through the festival grapevine (and that it was being banned from film fests) I can honestly say it's a downright despicable film from the beginning and especially towards the end.

In the vain of Palumbo's Murder Set Pieces, Buttgereit's Nekromantik, Oldboy, August Underground and Hostel, the movie shocks and shocks until you vomit and then shocks some more. I of course have made it a point to see all the most fucked up movies and to be honest, yeah it's sickening but not as sickening as I thought it would be.

Could a commentary on Serbia's government and the lives of its citizens NOT be done in such a vile manor? Sure, but nobody would go see it. Only the art cinephiles would see a subtitled film portraying the atrocities of a small country in Eastern Europe.

So Srdjan Spasojevic and writer Aleksandar Radivojevic decided to go the exploitation/horror sub genre to make a point. Exploitation is now the new chic, the "It" genre, the rebooted sub genre that used to be the stepchild of the horror genre.

And that's why I think it's effective. Can anybody truly "like" a movie like this? Of course not. But in it's perverted, fucked up way, it was effective in doing the 3 things it set out to do.

• Shock the hell out of people
• Say something important
• Get people talking

Be honest, it does all 3 and it does it well.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Milos is a former porn star who is down on his luck financially. When he receives a call from his long-time movie actress partner, Layla, he welcomes her call. Apparently she's heard that a new film director wants to hire Milos to star in his "artistically-designed" porn film for a very generous price. He is easily lured form his semi-retirement by the lucrative offer, agreeing to meet the director in an isolated mansion.

As the filming progresses, Milo begins to suspect that the director's intentions may be darker than mere pornography. As the film begins to devolve into a horrifically violent production, Milos finds escape may not be an option

Awesome Review-O-Matic

To tell you which scenes were most shocking is like telling you what part of the haunted house the scares are going to come from. If I just wrote down and described to you all the WTF moments, it wouldn't have the same impact as seeing it. So no spoilers here.

I've been reading the IMDB message boards and they're outright hilarious.

Somebody wrote:

• "My son is 15 years old and wanted to see this film at a friends house. He can watch most horror films OK and enjoys them but I'm a bit worried about this one. Is it really that bad?"
• American Remake?

Hahahaha. Too funny. Umm no kids should not being watch a movie that has pornography, rape, bloody violence and Skinemax style sexual acts. Jeez.

But I digress. The movie is indeed an extreme film that will jolt Joe Moviegoer and make even the most jaded viewer cringe. (hahaha pun intended). I'm adding fuel to the fire. So how does this controversial film accomplish what it set out to do?

What the shock?

The first 40 or so minutes is set up. We follow Milos, a now retired porn star with a wife and little boy. We can see he yearns slightly for his past sexcapades but his ultimate driving force is for his family. The set up is not without it's weird scenes as we see Milos's 5 yr old son watch his father's work via VHS (yes VHS!).

It's not until Milos agrees to star in Vukmir's "art" porn that our "artist of fuck" starts to wonder what he's gotten himself into. Soon he's being followed by bodyguards doubling as camera operators. Spasojevic litters the next 30 or so minutes with hard to stomach scenes ranging from violent BJs, To Catch a Predator innuendo and the kicker of it all "newborn porn". I'm going to leave that last bit alone. It's enough to make me cringe all over again.

The film is no holds barred when it comes to sex. Bordering on porn, it's full frontal with all its nudity and its simulated sex scenes. There isn't any soft music with rose petals here dude. It's grimy, filthy, bloody violent sexual insanity. All of it contained in a feverish frenzy of nightmares and reality mixed in.

Slowly Milos is trapped on an endless loop of depravity where he loses himself. Discovering what's been done to him, he goes all vengeance served cold but it's far to late. When we get to the end, the climax is reprehensible and the twists are revealed and the ultimate WTF moment is shown to our now raped retinas.

The movie does a decent job of slowly burning the shock into our minds. The first scenes Milos has to "film" are tame in the beginning but become more fucked up as we go along. By the time we see the reveal of everything that has happened, you are tolerable enough to withstand the impact (well at least I was).

Yes the movie shocks and awes and punches you in the balls with a steel toed boot. I'll admit, it does everything as advertised.

So say something important

If I really think about it hard enough, yeah there is a slight political message in the film. Milos, a common man is seduced into making an art house porn film (if there is such a thing which is an argument in itself). Slowly, he is turned into a raving sexual lunatic made to do the most deplorable acts by the director.

If the message by Srdjan Spasojevic and Aleksandar Radivojevic is to say that ordinary men were tricked by the Serbian government to kill and commit unspeakable atrocities during the Yugoslavian war and they have still not recovered, it's definitely within the context of the film.

Sex and violence are almost interchangeable within the world of film these days. If this movie had been about an ex military sniper who is lured back to kill again, we would not even give this type of movie a second guess. Say this sniper killed not just men but women and kids, we'd be aghast but not completely shocked. But A Serbian Film substitutes sex for violence and somehow it's more sickening.

Sex and violence go hand in hand and the filmmakers know this. They're aware of how the old 70s American grindhouse movie would justify rape with revenge. Do they do this effectively? Like a punch in the face, yeah they do.

Porn is the cinematic equivalent of an action themed blood soaked war film. Is seeing rape depicted on scene far worse than seeing a man shot point blank in the head? Aren't these similar in fuckedupness? Both are acts of violence yet somehow one is worst than another?

Americans don't really know about what goes on outside our borders. I only recently understood the Yugoslavian war through a ESPN 30 for 30 documentary about Vlade Divac and Drazen Petrovic. If somehow the director and writer wanted to make a statement about their country's plight to me, the average American cinephile, they picked the genre with the most impact.

Hell, I can't resist a exploitation movie.

Damn, now I'm talking about this

So with my positive review, I've chosen the side which believes the movie has a point to prove. Can it be said that other shocking films have one? The fact that A Serbian Film can say something says a lot about this most messed up movie.

Sometimes, a food doesn't look all too good. It also smells and looks peculiar. But when you bite into it, it taste fuckin awesome.

I'm not saying I'm going to eat A Serbian Film all the time, but I'd say for the adventurous and probably jaded viewers out there, it's a good solid snack. There aren't many movies out there that take chances that want to shock the shit out of people. Most of the ones have come overseas which includes Martyrs, Inside and Them. These films go over the proverbial edge to make a point. They try to drop an ACME anvil over your head to make a statement.

I can say adamantly A Serbian Film clearly does that.

Nude-ipedia

Tons of full frontal nudity by hot women
BBA trifecta (boobs, bush and ass)
Full frontal male nudity


Gore-ipedia

Beheaded head splatter
Head bashing
Gun shot trauma
Tons of carnage

WTF moment

Newborn pron?!??!
The climactic ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The film has made it's way through a bunch of film festivals. Supposedly in the UK, it's been cut by 3 minutes.

Should you see it?

Yeah why the fuck not? It's not everyday you see a movie which is a total mindfuck. I make it my mission to challenge myself by viewing movies that want to challenge the way I think about the world and also to challenge my psyche and my senses. Plain and simple, A Serbian Film does both.

The Vitals

• Official Site
• Facebook page
  

Rating:


Check out the trailer below!

Brain Dead (Review)

Brain Dead

Brain Dead (2007)

Directed by Kevin Tenney

No its not that Brain Dead.

If you're like me, that title goes with one film and one film only and that's Peter Jackson's zombie classic. But let's not judge the film based on title alone. Because if you know horror, you know who Kevin Tenney is. The man has quite a directorial horror resume which includes Witchboard and the classic Night of the Demons.

So I kinda knew what I'd be in for when I watched Brain Dead. But could Tenney bring back all that was fun about mutant zombie 80s gorefests?

Great cerebral cortexes! Yes he can.

Brain Dead is an assembly line produced throwback 80s splatter flick that hits all on all the cliches that make the genre so great to watch. Gratuitous nudity, gratuitous gore, gratuitous over the top makeup and gratuitous snarky characters spewing curse words a mile a minute. It took a director from the 80s to actually make a good, solid 80s throwback splatterfest.

Sure it's a low budget, been there, done that premise, but sometimes you just gotta go with the ridiculousness and try to shut off your brain like the zombies in this film.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What do a pair of escaped convicts, a preacher and his assistant, and a pair of pretty hikers have in common? They’re all delicious.

After an extraterrestrial parasite crash-lands in a backwoods American town – landing squarely on the head of a local fisherman – it sparks a fast spreading zombie infestation. As the brain hungry monsters multiply, three pairs of unlucky misfits convene on a fishing lodge for shelter. With zombies pounding at the door, the stranded, mismatched travelers must band together to stop the invasion – or serve themselves up as a main course. The problem is, they may lose their minds to each other before losing their brains to the zombies.

Full of ingenious gore effects, nudity and witty banter, “Brain Dead” is just as much a parody of classic zombie films as it is a clever update to the beloved genre.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's review a movie by breaking it out by cliches. It's got em all and I felt like I time traveled and was watching a movie through my VCR. the only thing that was different was I didn't have to fix the tracking....and I have an awesome TV. So let's start off with the most important shit first.

Gratuitous NUDITY!!!!!!

In the first 30 minutes, we get to see not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4...YES! Count em 4 sets of boobs in this movie. And I'm not talking about icky fat-ish actresses. Nope we got some hotties showing off their assets.

Names are not important but grades are. Without a doubt, Cristina Tiberia gets an A, Sarah Grant Brendecke gets a B+, Michelle Tomlinson gets a B- and some other chick gets a C.

Yes you will see boobs and they're real and they're spectacular.

Gratuitous Cliched Plot!!!!!!

Some space creature that looks like black ooze crash lands and it's actually a parasitic organism that when it takes over a human body, craves for brains so it can reproduce. Enter zombie mutant puppets.

You've seen this in Night of the Demons and the movie takes elements of Evil Dead, Slither, Evil Aliens and countless others.

Gratuitous Stereotypical Characters!!!!!!

So who do we get to watch for an hour and a half?

• A smart ass Sawyer like guy named Clarence
• A convicted felon dumb hick named Bob
• A lesbian, man hating hottuie named Claudia
• A vegan, commune with nature med student named Sherry
  
• A hypocritial lusty preacher named Farnsworth
• A God fearing, Tea Party belle named Amy
• A few other locals that make for good death fodder

Gratuitous Gore and Splatter!!!!!!

All these people come together and meet in a cabin in the woods (I did mention were in clicheworld right?) where our zombie aliens are looking for fresh BRAAAAAAAAAAINNNNNS!!

The best part of Brain Dead is the non CGI gore. It's old school here with shotgun head blasts, quick edit watermelon blasts (its suppose to be a human head) and decapitations and arm rippage. It's like they DeLoreaned into the past and made this movie in the 80s.

Tons of blood, tons of gore and tons of black ooze vomiting from our zombies to infect other people. Shit was coming out of every orifice dude. And it was fuckin awesome.

Gratuitous Gripes and Negatives!!!!!!

Brain Dead won't be for everyone. Noobs won't understand why us "old timers" think is a big deal about some boobs and gore. But here's a message to you noobs. Boobs and gore were not as easily accessible back in the day. If you saw boobs in a movie, you couldn't believe your eyes. If you saw somebody's heart gets ripped out, you applauded. So we have a special place in our hearts for these movies. You noobs are lucky with your free porn and YouTube.

Brain Dead kinda gets ZZZZZZZZs with some badly written dialogue and goofy makeup effects. But Clarence's snarky one liners had me laughing a few times. His zingers zinged and I have to admit, I chuckled a few times.

But being low budget, you can smell the cheese and it's extra velveetay. What can ya do right?

Brain Dead ain't the best throwback but it's done with fun and care and Kevin Tenney knows what us gorehounds and breasthounds want. All of this is packaged into Brain Dead and I had fun nostalgia-ing to my VHS days. What more can you ask?

Well more boobs would have been nice.

WTF moment

One of the characters get an untimely demise I didn't see coming. Holey moley.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Brain Dead was just released on DVD via Breaking Glass Pictures. You can buy it via Amazon.com.

For more info, head over to Breaking Glass Pictures or the Facebook page.

Rating:


Check out the trailer below!