5 Horror Movies Hollywood will NEVER remake (because they don't know how to)

OK, maybe I shouldn't have said NEVER. Because knowing Hollywood, anything is possible if they think they can make a buck. Hell I was going to put Hitchcock's The Birds on this list but according to IMDB there is a remake on the way. Sigh.



I always assume Hollywood would never touch the horror classics to remake. And you'll see some are on this list. But here are 2 flicks that probably won't be remade either.



HONORABLE MENTIONS



Cannibal Holocaust



the jaded viewer says: No way Hollywood exploits this exploitation masterpiece. I mean its still offensive today as it was 1980. But then again, a remake of Faces of Death is on the way so I could be wrong.



Jaws



the jaded viewer says: I'm pretty sure Spielberg will never make a remake or allow a remake of his classic to ever appear on screen again. We can kinda make movies around a killer shark (ahem Shark Night 3D) or different killer fish (ahem Piranha 3D) but a whole remake with all the classic characters. Never gonna happen.



Here's the top 5.



5.) The Blair Witch Project



the jaded viewer says: Surely the classic 1st person/shaky cam/found footage originator is going to be remade at some point right? But like I say, I don't think Hollywood knows how to remake a movie where the characters are pseudo real people. You might think they'd just rewrite it a bit and show the scares we all saw in 1999. But part of the creativeness of BWP was the actors had no idea what would happen. Could Hollywood attempt to do this today? They could but it would probably turn into the campers tweeting their way into the woods.



4.) Freaks



the jaded viewer says: Just like Cannibal Holocaust, this would be waaaay offensive to remake in this day and age. Currently, Freaks is #23 on the best horror movies of all time on IMDB. Remember, real midgets and the like were cast and I'm assuming little people (I think that's what they want to be called) would absolutely freak out (see what I did there?) if this was remade. It's exploitation genius back in 1932 is now sadly a buried genre today. Hollywood knows this would be toxic, never ever to be remade.



3.) Suspiria



the jaded viewer says: Hollywood I don't think will ever remake Dario Argento's classic because well they don't have a clue about how to make Italian Giallo. And because Argento's Giallo totally went into a clusterfuck with the whole Adrien Brody thing, we'll probably never see any attempt at Hollywood to revitalize this genre. It's probably better this way as it's hard to imagine Argento allowing this to happen.



2.) The Exorcist



the jaded viewer says: Sure there have been prequels, but there has never been a mention of a whole remake of the classic. And Hollywood knows, if they fuck it up they would be totally screwed. But I don't doubt Hollywood wouldn't try it but it's hard to think they'd do it half ass. Attempting a remake would be so fuckin scary for Warner Bros. they know nothing and I mean nothing would change how we feel about the original. Every actor/actress cast, every production still, every little change to the story would be super analyzed in this Web 2.0 day and age.



Would you watch a remake of this classic? It might be the first one where viewers actually boycott a remake of a film. OK I'm probably going a bit overboard there.



1.) Brain Dead



the jaded viewer says: It's to be argued if Peter Jackson's Braindead is the penultimate zombie flick of all time. It's definitely top 5 zombie film of all time. And with zombies somehow still bankable in the Hollywood system, you would think one studio exec would be like "well we could remake Braindead. It's like on every top 10 zombie movie of all time list". It's amazing there hasn't been any rumor of this being remade.



And that's why it will probably be never remade. Because there is no possible way to remake Jackson's gore soaked classic without resorting to CGI stupidness. And if you're thinking that Jackson himself would remake his own classic (or even make a sequel) I think he's probably to big time to do it.



In any case, one of the greatest gore and splatter flicks will remain untouched from Hollywood's hands...and seriously that's a damn good thing.

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OK am I wrong with these picks? Which of these flicks do you think has a good chance of being remade? Any other flicks you think should be on this list?



Sound off jaded viewers.

Brain Dead (Review)

Brain Dead

Brain Dead (2007)

Directed by Kevin Tenney

No its not that Brain Dead.

If you're like me, that title goes with one film and one film only and that's Peter Jackson's zombie classic. But let's not judge the film based on title alone. Because if you know horror, you know who Kevin Tenney is. The man has quite a directorial horror resume which includes Witchboard and the classic Night of the Demons.

So I kinda knew what I'd be in for when I watched Brain Dead. But could Tenney bring back all that was fun about mutant zombie 80s gorefests?

Great cerebral cortexes! Yes he can.

Brain Dead is an assembly line produced throwback 80s splatter flick that hits all on all the cliches that make the genre so great to watch. Gratuitous nudity, gratuitous gore, gratuitous over the top makeup and gratuitous snarky characters spewing curse words a mile a minute. It took a director from the 80s to actually make a good, solid 80s throwback splatterfest.

Sure it's a low budget, been there, done that premise, but sometimes you just gotta go with the ridiculousness and try to shut off your brain like the zombies in this film.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What do a pair of escaped convicts, a preacher and his assistant, and a pair of pretty hikers have in common? They’re all delicious.

After an extraterrestrial parasite crash-lands in a backwoods American town – landing squarely on the head of a local fisherman – it sparks a fast spreading zombie infestation. As the brain hungry monsters multiply, three pairs of unlucky misfits convene on a fishing lodge for shelter. With zombies pounding at the door, the stranded, mismatched travelers must band together to stop the invasion – or serve themselves up as a main course. The problem is, they may lose their minds to each other before losing their brains to the zombies.

Full of ingenious gore effects, nudity and witty banter, “Brain Dead” is just as much a parody of classic zombie films as it is a clever update to the beloved genre.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's review a movie by breaking it out by cliches. It's got em all and I felt like I time traveled and was watching a movie through my VCR. the only thing that was different was I didn't have to fix the tracking....and I have an awesome TV. So let's start off with the most important shit first.

Gratuitous NUDITY!!!!!!

In the first 30 minutes, we get to see not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4...YES! Count em 4 sets of boobs in this movie. And I'm not talking about icky fat-ish actresses. Nope we got some hotties showing off their assets.

Names are not important but grades are. Without a doubt, Cristina Tiberia gets an A, Sarah Grant Brendecke gets a B+, Michelle Tomlinson gets a B- and some other chick gets a C.

Yes you will see boobs and they're real and they're spectacular.

Gratuitous Cliched Plot!!!!!!

Some space creature that looks like black ooze crash lands and it's actually a parasitic organism that when it takes over a human body, craves for brains so it can reproduce. Enter zombie mutant puppets.

You've seen this in Night of the Demons and the movie takes elements of Evil Dead, Slither, Evil Aliens and countless others.

Gratuitous Stereotypical Characters!!!!!!

So who do we get to watch for an hour and a half?

• A smart ass Sawyer like guy named Clarence
• A convicted felon dumb hick named Bob
• A lesbian, man hating hottuie named Claudia
• A vegan, commune with nature med student named Sherry
  
• A hypocritial lusty preacher named Farnsworth
• A God fearing, Tea Party belle named Amy
• A few other locals that make for good death fodder

Gratuitous Gore and Splatter!!!!!!

All these people come together and meet in a cabin in the woods (I did mention were in clicheworld right?) where our zombie aliens are looking for fresh BRAAAAAAAAAAINNNNNS!!

The best part of Brain Dead is the non CGI gore. It's old school here with shotgun head blasts, quick edit watermelon blasts (its suppose to be a human head) and decapitations and arm rippage. It's like they DeLoreaned into the past and made this movie in the 80s.

Tons of blood, tons of gore and tons of black ooze vomiting from our zombies to infect other people. Shit was coming out of every orifice dude. And it was fuckin awesome.

Gratuitous Gripes and Negatives!!!!!!

Brain Dead won't be for everyone. Noobs won't understand why us "old timers" think is a big deal about some boobs and gore. But here's a message to you noobs. Boobs and gore were not as easily accessible back in the day. If you saw boobs in a movie, you couldn't believe your eyes. If you saw somebody's heart gets ripped out, you applauded. So we have a special place in our hearts for these movies. You noobs are lucky with your free porn and YouTube.

Brain Dead kinda gets ZZZZZZZZs with some badly written dialogue and goofy makeup effects. But Clarence's snarky one liners had me laughing a few times. His zingers zinged and I have to admit, I chuckled a few times.

But being low budget, you can smell the cheese and it's extra velveetay. What can ya do right?

Brain Dead ain't the best throwback but it's done with fun and care and Kevin Tenney knows what us gorehounds and breasthounds want. All of this is packaged into Brain Dead and I had fun nostalgia-ing to my VHS days. What more can you ask?

Well more boobs would have been nice.

WTF moment

One of the characters get an untimely demise I didn't see coming. Holey moley.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Brain Dead was just released on DVD via Breaking Glass Pictures. You can buy it via Amazon.com.

For more info, head over to Breaking Glass Pictures or the Facebook page.

Rating:


Check out the trailer below!