The WTF List: Machete (Review)

In the YouTube clip I posted on Friday it says Danny Trejo has played a killer in 62 movies. He's played a rapist in 25 movies. And he's played a killer who is a rapist in 19 movies. Talk about being typecast.

But that's all over now for Danny Trejo. He is Machete and boy can he fuck up people badly as a good guy as he does a bad guy. Machete is mega-tastic and hits on all cylinders. As a grindhouse/exploitation film, as an action film and as a comedy. It even works as Skinemax!

It's bar none one of the best movies this year. Full of the Times Square grindyness I adore it has so many WTF moments you can't help but fuckin applaud. Robert Rodriguez takes the Tarantino formula into exteeeminess, pure of adrenaline knife slaughter, side Jessica Alba boobage and a stoned out Lindsay Lohan.

I originally debated which would be better Machete or the Expendables? Over the weekend, I saw both and Machete wins on all counts.

Is there more to say? Yes there is so on to the WTF List!

1.) Machete's opening slaughter is magnificio!
2.) I love the 6 million dollar man sound effects for Seagal's katana
3.) These McLaughlin ads are not too far off from the real thing....thanks Arizona.
4.) A couple of shots from the fake Grindhouse trailer didn't make it into the movie (but most of it)
5.) Jeezus Jessica Alba is fuckin hawt
6.) Jeezus Michelle Rodriguez is fuckin hawt
7.) I was in Austin a few weeks ago...I didn't know a race war would happen so soon
8.) Jeff Fahey is so good as a bad guy...it was hard for me to see him Lost as Lapidus
9.) The intenstines scene is so fuckin bad ass I just shit in my pants
10.) The bullet stopped the other bullet...fuckin brilliant!
11.) Machete...you so the ladies man!
12.) Yummy side boobage from Jessica Alba
13.) Oh boy...can you believe we're seeing a race war in a movie?
14.) Seagal is playing a Mexican who thinks he's Japanese
15.) Everything doesn't make any sense....just like a true grindhouse movie!
16.) Everytime I see a shot from the original trailer, it gives me a happy
17.) Cheech kicks ass for the Lord
18.) Don Johnson is damn good as a white supremacist
19.) Torrez vs Machete was ehhhh...whoa....WTF?
20.) Don't fuck with the myth!

**********************************

A very fun flick where you can turn off your brain and laugh at the insanity. I'm sure Machete was a big hit in Arizona. Should Machete have been an hour and 40? Of course not. But somehow it went by mega fast. The CGI blood and guts were sometimes a little too obvious but forgivable as that's what R.R. does.

Oh btw...Machete don't text.

Rating:
Check out the original grindhouse trailer below!

Machete vs The Expendables: Which one will punch you in the face the hardest?

The latest Machete trailer came out today and it looks badass. In the battle of alpha male minds everywhere, we are going into full action porn mode when Machete will battle it out with The Expendables in a month or so.

These 2 mega giant rock em sock em movies won't go head to head. Mind you The Expendables comes out August 13th during peak summer movie time while Machete comes out September 3rd. But they are 2 of the biggest action flicks to come out this year.

So who has the edge? Let's break it down star by star and X Factors.

1.) Stallone vs Trejo
Edge: Stallone

Stallone is an icon and he can't be denied his legendary status. He has single handily kept the action movie alive by reincarnating his iconic characters Rocky and Rambo. Trejo has always been "That Guy" in movies but he's as badass as they come. I'm going with Stallone.

2.) Rodriguez/Alba vs Statham/Li
Edge: Rodriguez/Alba

As much as I bow down to the greatness of Jason Statham and Jet Li, you can't argue seeing Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez in scantily clad tight leather shoot heavy artillery and blowing shit up as not being totally fuckin awesome. They're hot and they're kicking ass for Machete. Statham and Li can helm their own action franchises but seeing Rodriguez and Alba is enough to put them over the top. Yummy.

3.) Seagal vs Lundgren
Edge: Seagal

Sorry Dolph fans, but the pseudo Japanese Westerner gets the edge here because Seagal brings in the I'm overweight but I can use a Katana like no other mofo. Both are has been 80s stars but Seagal seems to get the slight edge as we last saw Lundgren with JCVD. Now if JCVD was in The Expendables, that would be a different story.

4.) Lindsay Lohan vs Terry Crews
Edge: Crews

In a few incoherent words....PA PA PA PA POWER!!!

5.) Marin vs Austin/Couture
Edge: Marin

Cheech Marin plays a priest turned killer. Plus if he says titty twister, I'm sold. It'll be interesting to see a wrestler and a MMA guy join the crew but Cheech is Cheech and he is fuckin hilarious.

6.) Don Johnson vs Eric Roberts
Edge: Johnson

Sure Eric Roberts was decent in the Dark Knight but seeing Don Johnson might be awesome for shits and giggles. Both were 80s stars and both are now way off the radar and will act for food. I hope they both die in their respective films.

7.) Robert DeNiro vs Mickey Rourke
Edge: Rourke

The battle of Oscar winners will bring class to both flicks but I have to with Rourke here based on the fact that somehow Mickey will totally overact in The Expendables somehow. It's too easy to have DeNiro play a corrupt Senator, shit I don't even know what Rourke's role is but my money is on demolition expert.

8.) Gratuitous Cameo Battle: McGowan/Savini vs Schwarzenegger/Willis
Edge: Schwarenegger/Willis

I love Rose McGowan and would automatically default to giving her the edge. It helps that we'll get to see Tom Savini as well in Machete. But c'mon now, Ah-nuld and John fuckin McClaine are cameo-ing in a Stallone flick and that is unprecedented. Without a doubt the cameo battle is won by these 2 legendary kings of action.

9.) Who will have more EXPLOSIONS?
Edge: The Expendables

Duh.

10.) Who will have more MACHETES?
Edge: Machete

Double Duh.

So after tallying everything up we've got:

• The Expendables: 5
  
• Machete: 5
  

It's a TIE!!

I can't deny I'm salivating for both movies. I really don't know which one is going to be better. But maybe you guys do. Which movie do you think will make you punch your fist through a wall?

For now, check out the trailers.

NEW MACHETE TRAILER!!!!

More Machete Videos

THE EXPENDABLES TRAILER!!!!

5 Supernatural TV Shows You May Have Forgotten

I just want to say, for the record that I do watch TV. :-P I'm a big Lost fan and an even bigger Joss Whedon fan (as you can tell from my very active reviews of Dollhouse). But a DVD release of a TV show I had watched years back jogged my memory of a few other TV shows that I use to watch back in the day.

I'm guessing you may have forgotten these. And if by some miracle, you remember any of these shows (which is why I'm writing this post), it'll be awesome to reminisce about em.

So here are a few cult TV shows from back in the day that had me as a devoted follower. Were you one too?

5.) Dark Angel

Network: Fox

Before Jessica Alba was being invisible and starring in various romantic comedies, I fell in love with her uber hotness in James Cameron's futuristic sci fi weirdness called Dark Angel.

Fun Fact!: I developed a serious disease because of this show. See below.

Dark Angel Syndrome
noun

1.) Watching any particular form of entertainment (movie, tv show, etc.) because the hotness of lead actress outweighs the horrible plot, bad acting and totally shitty experience of the show.

2.) Dark Angel is a reference to the hotness that is Jessica Alba and the reason why men watched in pain 2 seasons of this James Cameron inspired show.

Mind you the plot of super engineered soldiers, an electromagnetic pulse crippling the USA and covert government searching for said soldiers was kinda cheesy it did have Alba riding a motorcycle in the outfit above.

4.) The Kindred: The Embraced

Network: Fox

I'm a big vampire TV show fan. Something about vampires, I just dig. Angel and Buffy are tops on my list and so was this short lived show called Kindred: The Embraced which debuted on Fox in 1996.

Show was about warring vampire clans and starred the oh so hot Stacy Haiduk.

The show was a little confusing, lots of cop drama mixed in with Godfather like squabbling. Overall, a decent soap opera vampire drama that was kinda cool.





3.) Freaky Links

Network: Fox

Yet another Fox show that bit the dust too early. Freaky Links was spawned by Haxan creators of The Blair Witch Project after their success with the film.

The fun part of the show was the viralness and the social community it spawned. It was the first show that ran in conjunction with a website that sort of tied it in.

Starring some 20 somethings, the group would get an e-mail from somebody claiming paranormal or supernatural or urban legends and they'd investigate it.

It was way ahead of its time. It's like a reality show of Snopes.com.





2.) Forever Knight

Network: CBS

Forever Knight was part of the Crimetime after Primetime schedule before Letterman got his Late Show.

It had similarities to "Angel" in that it was a show about a vampire named Nick Knight who wants to atone for his evil by doing good and working as a Seattle cop.

I'll admit, I have all 3 seasons of this show as it was filled with some interesting characters ( he had a comic relief partner, his pseudo BFF was a medical examiner and his sire was Nigel Bennett, a very old vamp).

Good cop show which had vampire mythos mixed in. Glad I can rewatch this anytime I want.





1.) She-Wolf of London

Network: Syndicated

So this is the show that sparked this post. It recently got released on DVD and I'm thinking of buying it.

It sounds like its from the old classic movie but it has more in common with An American Werewolf in London.

Starring the hot Kate Hodge, she gets bitten by a werewolf which leads to one of the funniest werewolves you'll ever see on TV. She teams up with an English professor (we call them Gileses) and they investigate supernatural cases all over England.

I mean it wasn't the most awesomest TV shows but for its time, it suppressed my appetite of werewolf fancy. I have to say, I thought it was a bloody good time.





If you remember any of these shows, drop a line and go all nostalgy. Don't be ashamed that you too watched Dark Angel for Ms. Alba. The fact that these shows have gained cult followings and warranted DVD releases years later is pretty amazing.

Are there other supernatural/paranormal/horror/sci-fi shows that you want to see again?