Half Moon (Review)

Half Moon

Half Moon (2011)

Directed by Jason Toler

I was howling in pain after I saw this movie.

I was also howling in laughter.

But laughter does not always equal a good movie and this movie is sooo bad in so many ways I wanted somebody to punch me in the face and tell me to stop watching.

Yes this movie stars Tori Black and yes she's a porn star who plays a prostitute in a werewolf movie.

But somehow you think there would be hope in this outrageous premise. I'll get to see Tori Black naked and I'll see a werewolf and I'll see more titties. But immediately after I saw this I searched for Ms. Black's other "movies". Here Ms Black is actually *gasp* "acting" and "acting" and then shows us some boobies and then does more "acting". OMG I think this is the most acting she's done if you added her entire pornography.

Suffice it to say, director Jason Toler makes a mockery of a production. You could hear coughing in the backround, really bad editing and the performances by Tori Black and the wolf guy in the flick seemed to not even be performed together (all somehow compiled seamlessly in post). Add in a ridiculous bad wolf special effects and you've gotten one shitty flick.

I think Tori Black's porn flicks are probably better than Half Moon (you know if I'd seen them and all :-P)

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Rose is a down-on-her-luck prostitute who's short on cash. When she hears of a mysterious client named Jacob who pays a large sum of money for one night in a hotel, she goes against her better judgement and takes the assignment. At the hotel, Jacob proves to be a stranger client: he's willing to pay up front, and more intrested in honest conversation than anything else. Then, just as Rose begins to feel at ease, she learns that her latest trick is about to undergo a transformation by the light of the full moon - and she's about to find herself trapped in close quarters with a terrifying monster.

This taunt and clever supernatural horror film breaks genre conventions by building realistic characters and erotic tension as it cranks up the suspense. Featuring Tori Black in a breakout role as Rose, Half Moon will sink its fangs into you and not let you go till its bloody, hair-raising climax.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Hell if you're actually looking for a real review, you best just Google Tori and watch her bone some dude. We're going with a running log of my thoughts as I watched the flick instead. So we're going with a tally. As I watched I counted the number of times I saw boobs, the moon or an actual werewolf on screen. Now onto the review.

• OMG we're 2 minutes in and I saw boobs.

Boobs: 1
Moon: 0
Wolf: 0

• Tori Black is part of a trio of whores who works for a pimp. She's "acting" all gangsterish and shit. Remember folks, boob counts are counted on the number of unique naked boobs I see on screen. The 2 other hookers boobs count as 2 unique boobages.
  

Boobs: 3
Moon: 0
Wolf: 0

• We got our first moon shot! Seems Toler likes us to think a full moon is going to amp up the tension as we countdown to Werewolf-palooza 2011! How many people think we'll see more shots of the Moon than boobs? You're going to be surprised.
  

Boobs: 3
Moon: 1
Wolf: 0

• TB meets up with Jacob (how fuckin original) at a hotel where they talk about Tom and Jerry, baseball and Pete Rose!?!? TB is acting her brains out. But she isn't fucking. Why isn't she getting all grunty? But guess what? We get another moon shot!

Boobs: 3
Moon: 2
Wolf: 0

• Wow they're still talking. I clearly should FF but I think I'll miss some plot (hahahaha I made a unfunny joke). OMG Tori Black is giving Jacob a lapdance! We're going to see some boobs! Wait....what the fuck is that? That's not the globes I'm looking for. Fuck you! Another moon shot?!??!? Are you fuckin serious?

Boobs: 3
Moon: 3
Wolf: 0

• Wolf dude tells TB about his life and he is lonely. Score! TB falls for it and they get into the lovemaking. It's a love scene but Tori Black makes it seem like she's on the 5th hour of a gangbang orgy.
  

Boobs: 4
Moon: 3
Wolf: 0

• TB finds a "kidnapper's kit" in the bathroom and goes into panic mode. She calls her big daddy pimp and they tie up wolf boy. Pimp slaps TB around like he's Charlie Sheen. Later, they get into more talking. For the love of porn, somehow you'd think getting her ass kicked would lead to more sex. But Jake here is getting angsty because he's slowly turning into a dog. You know what that means! Moon shot!

Boobs: 4
Moon: 4
Wolf: 0

• Eariler in the movie TB was proud to be a whore and respects her pimp for "teaching her the game". But now she gives a sob story about how she hates the johns who abuse her and hates her pimp. Remember fellow jaded viewers, this long badly acted monologue is coming from a pornstar who gets double penetrated for a living. Oh yeah, no boobs, no moon. But I smell some wolf coming soon!
  

Boobs: 4
Moon: 4
Wolf: 0

• Jake who tried to warn TB of his wolfy disease goes all full frontal wolfage and slaughters the pimp. The special effects in Half Moon make SyFy's effects look like Avatar. But guess what happens to TB...you guessed it! She gets bitten. She's now a She-Wolf of Los Angeles. Pretty much the hottest wolf whore on the strip.

Boobs: 4
Moon: 4
Wolf: 1

• Wait...what's this thing at the end of the movie?!??! Yup the fuckin moon.

Boobs: 4
Moon: 5
Wolf: 1

There you have it, the final tally. We see more shots of the moon than you do boobs. The wolf was so hilarious, you could buy the costume at a 99 cents store. Half Moon is a film that a porn director would make as a side project. And it's not even that its fully crappy, it's that it's so boring. The entire film is full of useless conversation by wolf guy (who has a E. Euro accent) and Tori Black in a hotel room. That's it. I was slowly injecting myself with 5 hour energy drink to stay awake.

Half Moon will put you half asleep. But at the end of the day, what you really WANT to see is Tori Black "acting" her best with lines like "Yes! Yes! Faster! Faster!" and "Yeah put it in my face", well you know where to look. As much as Tori wants to be the next Sasha Grey or Jesse Jane, it ain't gonna happen with this performance.

Of course I don't know who those other pornstars are. You know because I don't watch that stuff. ;-)


Gore-ipedia

Sliced Arm
Wolf bite

Nude-ipedia

Tori Black does get naked...shocker right?

WTF moment

She actually contradicts herself in the same monologue

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I would actually watch all 3 parts of Twilight than see this film again. The film will be released via Breaking Glass Pictures on their Vicious Circle Films label on February 8th.

The Vitals

• Check out the official site
• Breaking Glass Pictures on Facebook

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

5 Supernatural TV Shows You May Have Forgotten

I just want to say, for the record that I do watch TV. :-P I'm a big Lost fan and an even bigger Joss Whedon fan (as you can tell from my very active reviews of Dollhouse). But a DVD release of a TV show I had watched years back jogged my memory of a few other TV shows that I use to watch back in the day.

I'm guessing you may have forgotten these. And if by some miracle, you remember any of these shows (which is why I'm writing this post), it'll be awesome to reminisce about em.

So here are a few cult TV shows from back in the day that had me as a devoted follower. Were you one too?

5.) Dark Angel

Network: Fox

Before Jessica Alba was being invisible and starring in various romantic comedies, I fell in love with her uber hotness in James Cameron's futuristic sci fi weirdness called Dark Angel.

Fun Fact!: I developed a serious disease because of this show. See below.

Dark Angel Syndrome
noun

1.) Watching any particular form of entertainment (movie, tv show, etc.) because the hotness of lead actress outweighs the horrible plot, bad acting and totally shitty experience of the show.

2.) Dark Angel is a reference to the hotness that is Jessica Alba and the reason why men watched in pain 2 seasons of this James Cameron inspired show.

Mind you the plot of super engineered soldiers, an electromagnetic pulse crippling the USA and covert government searching for said soldiers was kinda cheesy it did have Alba riding a motorcycle in the outfit above.

4.) The Kindred: The Embraced

Network: Fox

I'm a big vampire TV show fan. Something about vampires, I just dig. Angel and Buffy are tops on my list and so was this short lived show called Kindred: The Embraced which debuted on Fox in 1996.

Show was about warring vampire clans and starred the oh so hot Stacy Haiduk.

The show was a little confusing, lots of cop drama mixed in with Godfather like squabbling. Overall, a decent soap opera vampire drama that was kinda cool.





3.) Freaky Links

Network: Fox

Yet another Fox show that bit the dust too early. Freaky Links was spawned by Haxan creators of The Blair Witch Project after their success with the film.

The fun part of the show was the viralness and the social community it spawned. It was the first show that ran in conjunction with a website that sort of tied it in.

Starring some 20 somethings, the group would get an e-mail from somebody claiming paranormal or supernatural or urban legends and they'd investigate it.

It was way ahead of its time. It's like a reality show of Snopes.com.





2.) Forever Knight

Network: CBS

Forever Knight was part of the Crimetime after Primetime schedule before Letterman got his Late Show.

It had similarities to "Angel" in that it was a show about a vampire named Nick Knight who wants to atone for his evil by doing good and working as a Seattle cop.

I'll admit, I have all 3 seasons of this show as it was filled with some interesting characters ( he had a comic relief partner, his pseudo BFF was a medical examiner and his sire was Nigel Bennett, a very old vamp).

Good cop show which had vampire mythos mixed in. Glad I can rewatch this anytime I want.





1.) She-Wolf of London

Network: Syndicated

So this is the show that sparked this post. It recently got released on DVD and I'm thinking of buying it.

It sounds like its from the old classic movie but it has more in common with An American Werewolf in London.

Starring the hot Kate Hodge, she gets bitten by a werewolf which leads to one of the funniest werewolves you'll ever see on TV. She teams up with an English professor (we call them Gileses) and they investigate supernatural cases all over England.

I mean it wasn't the most awesomest TV shows but for its time, it suppressed my appetite of werewolf fancy. I have to say, I thought it was a bloody good time.





If you remember any of these shows, drop a line and go all nostalgy. Don't be ashamed that you too watched Dark Angel for Ms. Alba. The fact that these shows have gained cult followings and warranted DVD releases years later is pretty amazing.

Are there other supernatural/paranormal/horror/sci-fi shows that you want to see again?