Savage (Review)

Savage

Savage (2009)

Directed by Jordan Blum

Savage is my 2nd movie I've watched from Fearmaker Studios. The first being Dismal which was to say the least, dismally bad. So when they threw in a creature feature into their lineup, I couldn't resist. I had to check out this SyFy knockoff. But then I realized who was in it!

The evil sensei from Karate Kid!
Alice from Nightmare on Elm Street 5!
A hot girl!
A Bigfoot with superpowers!

How could I resist watching this doozy of a film?

Savage makes a SyFy original movie look like a Hollywood blockbuster. It's not only that the characters are boring, the plot is laughable or Bigfoot is clearly taking HGH. It's that the movie is filled with scenes of people talking about a plot and subplots I didn't care about. I believe it was something about some forest fire, shady real estate deals, an armed robbery and a pregnant woman.

All I cared about was seeing a vicious Bigfoot killing and eating campers. And even that sucked.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A blazing fire rips its way through Bear Valley National Park. As the firefighters try to contain it, the animals are being forced out of their habitat including a beast that was better left undiscovered.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

You're getting a 5 question Q&A review. Deal with it.

1.) I heard Bigfoot knows muy thai and uses a revolver in this film. Is that true?

That would have made an interesting movie but he doesn't. He does seem to kill a lot of people, from firefighters, cops, criminals, scientists and a rogue hunter. He's the serial killer of missing link creatures.

2.) So does Bigfoot fly and have X-ray vision?

I wouldn't be surprised if he did. He's got super strength, can climb trees like a goddamn squirrel, be stealthy like a goddamn ninja and can get on a roof of a house in less than 5 seconds. He also likes tossing corpses through windows (something I enjoy as well)

3.) I heard this movie is about deforestation and how man has raped the natural world by building more highways and displacing animals from their habitats. So are there boobies in this?

Boobies are like vodka. I could get drunk on em. But the movie did introduce me to Anna Enger, a stunning beauty whose performance in this was quite good. She played the most lovable murderer I've seen in a while.

4.) You described the special effects in Dismal as: "The CGI fire and explosion look so fake, it's like they put a lighter in front of the camera." Are the CGI effects as bad in Savage?

The gore effects are pretty standard. Nothing a 3rd grader couldn't do with a couple of ketchup packets. There is an explosion in the end. They have to stop putting explosions in their films.

5.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

Yuppers. It seems we haven't seen the last of this ninja, steroid abusing Bigfoot.

Savage is just another horror cash in on the Sasquatch films. The thing about SyFy original movies is they've accepted the fact their creature features are cheesy and B-movie. One has to understand what they get into when they make a "When Animals Attack" type horror flick. If only they pitted muy thai Bigfoot vs a Shark with telekinesis powers. That would have been awesome.

Nude-ipedia

Negative Zero

Gore-ipedia

Your standard bloody blood
Animal trauma

WTF moment

Bigfoot's face closeup look like a mask from a 99 cents store

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Savage is being distributed via MTI Home Video. Watch at our own risk.

The Vitals

• The official site
  

Rating:


Check out the trailer below.

Rec 2 (Review)

Rec 2

Rec 2 (2009)

Directed by Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza

I've admitted countless times I hate POV horror movies. Diary of the Dead and Cloverfield were pieces of crap in my opinion. But recently, I've been seeing some cinema verite/1st person POV horror that's been solid.

Evil Things ended up #18 on my Top 20 Horror Movies of 2009. I gave the original Rec (review here) 2 spinkicks. It was scary as hell but just dizzying and generic zombie sorta stuff. There were good moments and I wrote:

"The 1st 20 or so minutes sets up the chaos to come. The 2nd 30 is so minutes is everybody trying to find out what the fuck is going on and the final 20 is a survival horror at its best."

So going into Rec 2, I knew the SWAT team was going to get involved, we were going to get some possessed zombie kills and I was gonna get nauseous again. Cue the Dramamine.

Rec 2 is a superior movie to the original. It's amped up the infected, brought in the heavy weaponry via SWAT officers and thrown in some crazy Spanish hipsters who get exactly what they deserve. What you end up with is a sequel that twists and turns you on every scene and makes you big gulp in complete darkness.

After the flick ended, I tweeted...Wow just wow. That says it all.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The highly anticipated sequel to one of the scariest films of all time, [REC] 2 picks up 15 minutes from where we left off, taking us back into the quarantined apartment building where a terrifying virus has run rampant, turning the occupants into mindlessly violent, raging beasts.

A heavily armed SWAT team and a mysterious government official are sent in to assess and attempt to neutralize the situation. What they find inside lies beyond the scope of medical science—a demonic nightmare of biblical proportions more terrifying than they could have possibly imagined. Above all it must be contained, before it escapes to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting world outside.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

As I always do, let's start off with what the formula for shot on video, POV horror films.

1.) The camera "person" films everything
2.) His friends become part of the video
3.) Something sinister starts to scare them
4.) The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

1.) The camera "person" films everything

Continuing right after Rec, SWAT is called to our quarantined building. Their orders are to take a "medical" official to the building and see what's what. So who films everything? In Rec 2, Rosso a SWAT team officer is told to film so as to document what's going on. Soon our SWAT team are going up all the same places we saw our tenants did in the original.

Plot is explained as we find out whats up with these zombies. Seems our med guy is a priest and we've got a Vatican conspiracy, demon infection and the Medeiros girl being Agent 0. You know its the rehashed plot from part 1. Soon our crew is being attacked but they fire back with machine gun kellys and are chased throughout the building.

My gripe with these POV movies has always been the guy holding the camera never does shit. But as Rosso is told to do this and actually does things to help, it seems natural. In addition we've got SWAT cam as the cops have head cams on their helmets. This was actually a clever camera gimmick as it gave us a different POV instead of the one camera shot.

2.) His friends become part of the video

Our SWAT team shows true emotion. Their mission compromised, all they want to do is get the fuck out. It's high anxiety and it feels real. Most of the characters feel pseudo real in Rec 2. From the cops to the priest to the Spanish hipsters and fireman guy....wait what the hell did I just say?

Yup, seems Plaza and Balagueró saw Diary and Cloverfield and added in some camera happy kids as well. They end up in the apartment building leading to yet ANOTHER different POV as they are filming everything too. I sighed when they started these scenes as I didn't want to see annoying kids doing stupid things. But shit hits the fan and the 2 groups meet leading our kids to get what they deserve for being so fuckin annoying.

3.) Something sinister starts to scare them

Lots of the POV shots are nicely done. With the SWAT, we get our Silent Hill meets Call of Duty MW2 shoot em up perspective. It's clever and I did get a little jumpy at some scenes including one in an air duct and another in a hallway. You never know when a possessed demon kid is crawling upside down will come at ya.

The hipster kids and a fireman looking for his buddies from Part 1 get in the act as they too are attacked. The shots are designed for maximum WTF and they accomplish it with some long extensive panning shots.

Most of these scenes work, as they did in the original. However, this time we get some maximus goreificus leading to a Gore-ipedia that includes shotgun blast to the head, ripped necks and POV blood and guts.

4.) The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

I didn't like originals ending and Rec 2's ending is pretty predictable. But it isn't without some WTF. Night vision comes into play and we seeing our demon girl in the flesh. Back is our intrepid reporter Angela who joins our remaining survivors to stop this demon infection from spreading.

There is "the final shot" in Rec 2 and it's quite a whopper earning it full WTF Moment credit. It's pretty intense and makes it feel all closed looped in a sense in our Rec series.

I gotta say, the Rec movies are the best this POV genre has to offer. They are solid flicks and use the POV gimmick very well. Rec 2 does jack up the scares, the claustrophobia and the tension. Out of all the the POV movies I've seen, Rec 2 is so far the best of the rest.

Coming from me, that's a high compliment.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Thank Barcelona the directors of the original made the sequel. They didn't miss a beat at made sure their vision was in the sequel. At times it reminded me of Demons, Demons 2 and Iglesia's Day of the Beast.

Rec 2 comes out July 9th in limited release. For now, it's the best sequel in this genre, well until possibly Paranormal Activity 2 comes out.

Check out the official site and the Facebook page for more info.

FYI. I still haven't seen the American remake Quarantine yet. I don't plan to.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

The Collector (Review)

The Collector

The Collector (2009)

Directed by Marcus Dunstan

I never liked Saw. My main gripe was it was told in flashbacks that destroyed the suspense. So all that was left was seeing how somebody died or lived through the trap.

Mind you I still watch the Saw movies even though I despise them. Why? Because it's like a bad TV show you've already watched a couple of episodes and you feel like you gotta keep watching just to see what they do next.

So going into The Collector, I expected more of the same. More traps, more flashbacks and an unstoppable killer. Well what do you know? There were traps, no flashbacks and we got an unstoppable killer.

Sigh.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Desperate to repay his debt to his ex-wife, an ex-con plots a heist at his new employer's country home, unaware that a second criminal has also targeted the property, and rigged it with a series of deadly traps.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

To review this in a regular way would give me a headache, so instead you get some Q&A. Deal with it.

1.) Jigsaw can be hired for house calls now? The bad economy hit him hard. So what's the deal?

OK, it's not Jigsaw but it's Jigsaw's cousin who likes Home Depot alot. Dude where's a black lucha libre mask and he likes collecting people. Yes horror minions, this dude collects people. I guess he thinks they'll go up in value in a few years.

2.) So who's our final guy? I'm betting he's Asian because Asians make good final guys.

Hmm I don't see Asian Final Guys in the slasher handbook. But no it's a regular white dude. Seems this guy needs to help his wife and uses is burglar skills to rip off some rich guy's safe. But Collector Man hits the same house. Oh fuck for non Asian Final Guy.

3.) I hear Madeline Zima plays a goody two shoes, God fearing, very devout virgin in this flick?

She plays a chain smoking slut. What did you expect?

4.) Do we get to see her boobs?

Yup. They're real and they're spectacular.

5.) I wanna discuss the traps. They seem like real traps that can be put together in a few minutes without any real skills. I mean a table from IKEA is harder to put together than these elaborate traps...right?

Hahahaha. Holy fuckin cow jaded viewers. The biggest logic issues (besides Collector Man's tendency to collect people) has gotta be how he puts these traps together. Let's go through the list shall we in a WTF list?

• He boards up all the windows with wood planks with razors attached to them (WTF!?! This would take at least 3 hours and a crew of 3...c'mon now)
• He puts nail heads on the steps (WTF!?! That's a lot of hammering)
• Acid on the floor in a room (WTF?!? Wouldn't the acid burn through the wood?)
• Like 20 Bear traps on the floor (WTF?!? Bear traps are heavy and take a long time to prensap into place)
• A scissors trap that results on a death by nails on a wall (WTF?!? Now this takes some serious levers and pulley systems...who is this guy? MacGyver?)
• Another trap which pulls a victim by the feet (WTF?!? More wires and pulley systems. Does he have MIT students helping him out?)
• Fish hooks in the shower (WTF?!? I mean seriously..this is some tedious type shit)
• Various other traps that would require a crew of 25, working 24/7 and take at least 3 months to set up

6.) So do people who seem like douchebags die? I like seeing death by douchebaggery.

Yeah some rich people get zilched so thats always a plus. A few sporadic others die.

7.) I'm a proud card carrying member of the More Gore in Gore Movies Association of America. Should I watch this? Also, can you not tell my mom that I'm a member of the MGIGMAMA.

If you love the gore, you'll see the following: Some intestinal fortitude spewage, tongue trauma, nail trauma, bear trap trauma and death by dog neck trauma, lip trauma, teeth trauma

8.) Do any little kids spew any vulgarities?

Umm no dude. This isn't Kick-Ass.

9.) So is this Collector Man as badass as Jigsaw, Jason, Freddy or Michael?

It's like this dude saw too many Saw movies and wanted to be a slasher in real life. You know a Unabomber intellect but gothy. I suspect this guy has severe mental problems and he is from Bulgaria. Also, he's fuckin fat.

10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

You know how these movies go. When you think you've won, shit comes out of nowhere to mess up your day. I blame inept cops and terrorists.

WTF Moment

How the fuck did he put all these traps together in like 20 minutes?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Well if you're a fan of those Jigsaw traps, I guess you'll like this flick. It's got some serious wicked ones which is why it gets half a rating more than it should get. The obvious logic questions in all these Saw and The Collector type movies has gotta be this:

1. How the hell can they afford to make all these traps?
2. Is there a website where I can learn to make these awesome traps? Say deathtrapsforbeginners.com?

Well I checked, there is no such site. Sigh.

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer

Dawning (Review)

Dawning

Dawning (2009)

Directed by Gregg Holtgrewe

There are perks to being a part of the horror blogosphere. One of them is getting to see a film the blogosphere has been praising for a while now. After getting a screener from director Gregg Holtgrewe, I had high expectations as much of the buzz was overtly positive.

So would I be part of the "Yay" team?

I cannot lie. Dawning is quite yay, a few hiccuppy nays but all good.

When a indie filmmaker like Holtgrewe can make a small budget movie look completely Hollywood, that alone is all kudos. The movie looks professional, the imagery and photography are top notch and the acting solid. But what makes Dawning stand out is the drawn out suspense that chills you to the bone.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Takes place at a Northern Minnesota lake cabin where a brother and sister visit their father and step-mom. As the first night unfolds with uncomfortable small-talk and tension, tragedy strikes.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Dawning as described by Holtgrewe in a interview with Rhonny Reaper @ Dollar Bin Horror is the best of a drama and the great elements of horror. In essence the movie is really 80% drama and 20% horror. So I'll try to break it down that way.

80% Drama

Chris and Aurora go visit their father and step mom. Their relationship with their father is already disjointed. Various conversations and actions play out like a Lifetime Movie of the Week and you can sense the tension within all of them.

The family is looking to come together but this is not going to happen. The acting here by the cast is really solid. You sense the strain between him, his wife and his 2 kids. Alcoholism is a main factor but resentment is ever evident. Najarra Townsend who plays Aurora emotes over a lost dog seems genuine as does Jonas Goslow's Chris who plays the slacker happy pothead.

The first half of the movie is truly mesmerizing as a broken family tries to put the pieces back together.

20% Horror

After their dog dies, the family is equally disturbed. Soon a mysterious man bursts into their home and holds them hostage. Seemingly crazy, the family tries to MacGyver a plan together to get out of this situation.

Similar to M.Knight and even a few Twilight Zone episodes, the suspense is built up over time. It's a slow burn that is built up predominately with sound, exterior shots and closeups. Minimal conversation is uttered. Very Hitchcockian in that way.

At one point, our mysterious hostage taker screams "Eviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllll!!!!" This is pretty much our only glimpse into what may be outside their log cabin. Because something is outside the cabin and we and the family DO NOT KNOW what it is. Soon chaos ensues as the stranger, the evil mysterious force haunting them start to breaks up the family into madness.

You would think the family would become stronger when dealing with a common enemy but here Holtgrewe has us see them falling apart in front of our very eyes. It's done well and we really empathize as they turn on each other as the evil consumes them.

With this 20% horror is an unknown assailant. The fact that we don't get an explanation is good as it opens it up into interpretation, but without a hint of what this evil force is, the horror element is lacking. Even in The Mist we got to see what this ultimate monster was. You cannot introduce a unstoppable, uber coercing evil and not try to explain what's going on. That's a disservice to being partly a horror movie.

All in all, Dawning is a solid suspenseful and chilling film that will have you hearing things in the middle of the night. It's a delight to see a independent movie that isn't a generic horror movie in a box. Holtgrewe's blending of two genres was a risky experiment but Dawning makes it work.

Nude-ipedia

Nada

Gore-ipedia

Dog trauma

WTF moment

The ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

My fellow horror bloggers have reviewed this movie and you can check out all their reviews by going here. Check out the official site for more info on screenings and press.

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer

The WTF List: Jennifer's Body

Well everybody has done regular reviews, screencap reviews, quotey quotable reviews of Jennifer's Body. But nobody has done a trademarked jaded viewer WTF List of this movie.

Honest to blog, thank the cheesy fries for me.

So here is The WTF List: Jennifer's Body Edition. Beware, I'm going all Buffy comparison in this list.

1.) OK, let's get it outta the way. She may look whorey, but Megan Fox is fuckin hot
2.) This movie is like an episode of Buffy. I mean they could be in Sunnydale and it totally feels the same way. Needy is Willow, Chip is Oz and Jennifer is a Cordelia/Buffy hybrid.
3.) Looking beyond her character, Amanda Seyfried is waaay hot too. Just had to get that outta the way
4.) Low Shoulder ain't no Dingoes Ate my Baby

5.) OK I chuckled during that "It's true. It's on Wikipedia" line
6.) OMG that's fuckin Screeching Weasel. Damn you Diablo Cody!!!!
7.) Victim #1 was a jock douchebag (yay), Victim #2 is a Hot Topic addict (double yay)
8.) How many people from Juno are in this?
9.) It's like Teeth but without the mutant hoohaa
10.) Gratuitous use of an homage to Evil Dead via a t-shirt
11.) Hot lesbian scene is super stimulating on a intellectual basis....ok I'll be right back.
12.) Back......wait not done yet. Now I'm back.
13.) The female natural cycle to sexual innuendo ratio is like 2:1.
14.) Really? Satanic rituals and succubi. You gotta love 3rd grade level horror.
15.) The big final fight scene was all tampons and eating disorder talk. Funny one liners should have lead to chick on chick violence.
16.) OK the chick on chick violence was horribly boring
17.) That ending was on Season 3, Episode 12...aspect of the demon. OMG, did Diablo Cody just watch all of Buffy to write this shit?
18.) Gratuitous use of Lance Henrickson....why I ask you why?
19.) The waterfall thing is kinda cool
20.) OK, now lets talk about the dialogue. Sure I know its too overly clever but the Diablo Cody speak is exactly the same as Whedon-logue. So I'm not going to say that the movie is bad because of this.

I like how the dialogue is populated with pop culture references, Internet lingo and cleverly cleverisms. Because I mean look how I write for blog's sake. I'm a true Whedon disciple and every since, I've started blogging and talking this way. I think it might be a severe disorder that I will have a press conference about one day.

In any case, final thoughts on Buffy's Body. The movie is heightened Diablo Cody for the prepackaged, T-Mobile Sidekick text happy MTV crowd. I liked it in that mindless horror mainstreaminess sorta way. We got cock teased with Megan Fox partial nudity, thought we'd get some decent monsters slaying and it promoted the soundtrack as best it could. Here's the simple calculus.

Cleverlogue + Megan Fox + demonology + tongue on tongue happy = Yay!

It's a horror comedy with LOLs and OMGs and FTWs. Sit back, relax and eat some green M&M's. You get 2 spinkicks Jennifer's Body.

You happy?

Rating:

Midnight Movie (Review)

Midnight Movie

Midnight Movie (2008)

Directed by Jack Messitt

The tagline for Midnight Movie is "The New Face Of Horror".
Wow, such freakin bravado isn't it? Well the dude to the left is a new face, as I mean I've never seen em before. But its not like he's going to win rookie Slasher of the Year or anything.

Chromeskull won that award last year.

Not much to say about this flick. It's your generic MTV generation hack and slash, slasher film. It's got an interesting premise, but its a total yawnfest. You'd think it would be one of those self aware Scream like films, but it plays like a generic bag of potato chips.

Oh yeah, Brea Grant was in this (she was on the TV show Heroes and Halloween II remake) so that was sorta cool. Umm, I'm gonna go through the slasher checklist on this review.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A midnight showing of an early 1970's horror movie turns to chaos when the Killer from the movie comes out of the film to attack those in the theater.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

As always, we here at the jaded viewer go through our "what makes a good slasher movie" list.

Does Midnight Movie achieve everything on this list? Umm no it doesn't.

1.) Is there a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Umm The Killer is mysterious, insanely strong, probably not ridiculed as a child, very much deformed and yeah, I'm going to say he's from West Virginia.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (with Grade A boobage)?

Nada. Nope. Zip. Zilch. Zippo. Negative. No Can do.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Yeah, this one has a few of em.

1.) Blonde final girl who goes from hysterical GF and older sister to "I'm gonna fuck up this slasher wannabe"
2.) Her emo BF
3.) Douchebag asshole friend
4.) Douchebag's slutty GF
5.) Fat Biker guy
6.) Fat Biker guy's GF
7.) 2 inept police officers
8.) Oversexed dork guy
9.) The lovely Brea Grant
10.) Final girl's little brother

Most die and you could care less. Trust me. I was hoping the killer would come out of my TV and make me a victim.

4.) No Plot?

Check.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Yawn. My grandma's grandma could do better.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem.

Here is your Gore-ipedia. So the Killer has some sort of screwer thingy as his weapon. Seems like he bought it at a 99 cents store.

1.) Screwer through the stomach
2.) Screwer through the stomach
3.) Screwer through the stomach
4.) Screwer through the stomach
5.) Screwer through the stomach

Sensing a pattern here?

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Actually none of that happened in this movie. Where were you geeky leader?

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Hmm maybe I should try smoke some weed and then watch this. It probably depress me than make me laugh.

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Oddly she does and starts praying for no apparent reason. And she starts praying alot. I think this is the first time I've seen gratuitous praying in a horror movie.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

I think so. I kinda wasn't paying attention.

WTF moment

The odd dream sequence that I didn't understand because I went to the bathroom for like 20 minutes.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Wow this review didn't even give you any idea of what this movie is about did it? Well it was about some people who see a midnight cult movie where the slasher in the movie comes to life and starts killing the people in the theater. The movie flashes between the cult movie called "The Death Beyond" oops that's "The Dark Beneath" and the people run around and start getting picked off one by one.

Yawn. Double Yawn. Can I go for gold!??! OMG it's a triple yawn! He's got the gold.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Live Tweeting while watching the worst of torture porn: Train (Review)

First the plot.................

In Europe, a group of American college athletes unknowingly board a train that will become one deadly ride

OK here was my live tweet transcript from yesterday. Follow me Twitter for more upcoming live tweets of terribly bad flicks.

jadedviewer Ok I'm starting my live tweet of train....supposedly the worst torture porn flick ever....if you miss this...ill post it on the site tom #jvtrain

jadedviewer Well opening scene they just deskinned somebody ala martyrs...on a train! Whatta surprise #jvtrain

jadedviewer Thora birch is looking oldish and she's on an american wrestling team? And they are in bratislava! E europe is like the w virginia of europe #jvtrain

jadedviewer Thora birch gave 2 creepy guys her passport...didn't she see hostel? #jvtrain

jadedviewer the failsafe of torture porn....ocular trauma!#jvtrain

jadedviewer Brass knuckle and urination torture...well that's new #jvtrain

jadedviewer Well they just discovered this is terror train to harvest organs or some shit...and thora birch is badly emoting #jvtrain

jadedviewer Gratuitous use of a tunnel to make it oooooooh scary....organ harvesters 5 americans 0 #jvtrain

jadedviewer Nipple torture and the old reliable bone saw....and chest cavity gore...and hooks thru the mouth..and these people are still alive? #jvtrain

jadedviewer Omg there is like 30 min left in this flick....crap #jvtrain

jadedviewer I've been watching for an hour and I have no idea what thora birchs characters name is. #jvtrain

jadedviewer They just bashed a dudes head with a rock...that's old school flinstones torture porn #jvtrain

jadedviewer So all her friends are dead and now she's going all final girl revenge frenzy...look out black market killers!!! #jvtrain

jadedviewer Final fight is thora birch vs bratislavan big john studd!!! #jvtrain

jadedviewer Haahhahaha she used a wrestling move to make big john studd tap out and now he got squished by a train...so bad #jvtrain

jadedviewer Well that sucked maybe I should pick a good movie for a live tweet #jvtrain


Check out the trailer below.

Tags:
train trailer thora birch, thora birch , american horror , terror train remake, gratuitous nudity,

Killer Movie (Review)

Killer Movie

Killer Movie (2008)

Directed by Jeff Fisher

[this review is brought to you by Insano Steve who is back from the dead. Check out his other reviews and features in the right hand nav bar]

So, the jaded viewer asked me to review some movies for the site. Movies that he felt were so irredeemably bad, he could not physically review himself, citing fear for his health. Seeing that I'm pretty much the trash-TV expert, I figured I'd choose to do 'Killer Movie' because of it's reality show theme. And I was also looking to see something different than the usual horror crap. I'd say my tolerance for horror is pretty thin these days. You could say my viewing has become rather jaded (hey, see what I did there ...)

OK, the real reason I wanted to see this was:

• It was on blu-ray, and I haven't watched any horror on the blu-ray yet.
• The presence of hot-ass Leighton Meester (of Gossip Girl fame) in the film.
  

Let us delve into these items individually....

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A reality TV director copes with a spoiled celebutante and a show gone haywire when a masked killer starts bumping off the crew in this slasher-movie satire.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Blu-Ray: What can I say? blu-ray is the shit. It's freaking awesome. As Ferris Bueller would say, if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. You really get your money's worth for your HDTV with these blu-ray movies. Now, it doesn't make the plot/acting any better mind you. But you can actually see the pores in the girl's faces when they close up! For older women, Damn, blu-ray's your worst nightmare. So, no complaints for visual quality here. Top notch.

The lovely hot-ass Leighton Meester: I've never actually watched the Gossip Girl (I guess because I'm neither 15 years old, nor female), but I've been made aware of the hotness of Leighton Meester through the interwebs. So, it was nice to actually see her 'work' (without having to hate myself later). Well, suffice it to say, her appearance is very brief, despite her name getting top billing on the blu-ray cover art. Damn you false advertising! The lovely Miss Meester is only in 2 scenes, with 1 scene just having her screaming and dying. For the first time ever, I was actually rooting for the victim. Don't kill her, she's too cute to die! Sigh. Anyhow, she is super hot. She actually looks a lot like Minka Kelly (before Derek Jeter ruined her). Hopefully she will be featured more prominently in future projects which will allow us to see more of her 'talent'

Ugh. So 10 minutes into the movie and the hot girl I'm watching the movie for is dead. Shit. What to do? I heroically pressed on and watched the other 70 minutes. The plot you say? Oh yeah, probably should have gotten to that by now. The story is about this Zack Morris-looking guy who is directing a reality show in North Dakota about a small town high school hockey team. It turns out though, as filming starts, a bunch of people in town start turning up dead (like the hot-ass Leighton Meester). The lesbian super-bitch producer decides to run with the murder angle instead of the hockey bullshit (practical decision). The subplot involves a diva actress, named Blanca Champion (played by the not quite hot Kaley Cuoco), following Zach Morris around, in an attempt to learn about directing. Predictably, Blanca ends up hating the small town and being a bitch to everyone. Yes, her name is Blanca Champion.

The crew, which somehow ends up being like 10 people, all start dying off (duh!?!?). So who did it? Do you really care? Fuck does it matter? Everybody's potentially the killer! Ooooh, the suspense! Like all horror movies like this, whoever ends up dying isn't the killer, so theoretically, the suspense should increase as we approach the awesome reveal at the end. Alas, you can probably guess who did it, if you actually gave it some thought while watching (which I didn't).

Strangely enough, there were no black characters in this. Yup, all-white cast mother fucker! That's pretty shocking in a horror movie of this ilk. No rapper turned actors here. Actually, I found it kinda refreshing. Less cliches is always a good thing. And that's coming from me. You know I love me some black movies.

Now so far, this review looks like I hated it, and from looking at IMDB, almost everybody else did. Well, the title, 'Killer Movie' is terrible. But actually, overall, this shit wasn't THAT BAD. The reason for that was, the movie never took itself seriously. The characters are all pretty self-aware. Now I know self-aware movies are all the rage and by now have become pretty played out. But here, the characters do it without appearing snarky, which I personally appreciate. We don't need a generation of Junos. This movie was short, fun, and almost completely forgettable. Aint nothing wrong with that. The ending though, is so mind-numbing stupid, it's almost offensive. However, I can probably forgive that. It's not like we're gonna see a 'Killer Movie 2' (or at least I hope not).

Alright, on to the important stuff. Gore aka (Gore-ipedia): OK, well, the visual quality, as I said before was top notch, but unfortunately, that didn't really translate to the kill scenes. This flick was filmed in 21 days, so maybe there was no time for a good gore effects guy? Too bad. What we did have was: the hot-ass Meester gets decapitated by barbed wire (awful special effect there), some girl gets table sawed, lesbian gets hung by a chain, meat clever to some guy's chest, slacker gets arm severed (laughably bad effect), other lesbian gets garden shear-ed, and some poor bastard gets his throat slit pretty good. The slasher character is lame. He wears a hoody and a Jabberwocky mask. And he runs (frequently). Ho-hum stuff mostly in this department.

T&A aka (Nude-ipedia): God damn it. Alright, so I had come to accept that the lovely Leighton Meester wouldn't get naked. But nothing? At all? Seriously? The closest we get is some bra and panties in a simulated lesbian sex scene (it sounds a lot better than it was, very PG13). The next closest we get is Leighton Meester riding an ATV (and my overactive imagination). Overall, it wasn't a great cast in terms of 'hot girls I'd appreciate seeing naked' anyway, so maybe no huge loss. But in a shit horror movie like this, you'd still hope for at least one 'strong sexual content'. I was really looking forward to seeing some spectacular blu-ray tits. I guess that will have to wait to when I review some blu-ray pornography. Of course, that will be sure to happen when jadedviewer.com switches over from horror to a harcore-XXX review format later in the year.

WTF moment: One funny ass moment that I'm sure the director was in on when they wrote it. Zack Morris-looking guy is looking for the killer in the woods (kudos for proactively trying to attack the slasher, good shit). So, Zack accidentally steps into a bear trap! His reaction? He grimaces. He acknowledges the pain. But no biggie. Mind you, he just stepped in a fucking BEAR TRAP! Instead of a massive compound fracture, he experiences some mild discomfort. Later, he is freed (off-camera), and looks just fine, thank you. Small stain on his jeans, a slight limp (like if your leg fell asleep). A BEAR TRAP! Good times. They make a great self-referential joke about it during the 'crazy credits'.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So, in closing, Killer Movie, was for the most part, just another generic horror movie. However, for some reason, I found myself strangely enjoying it. Maybe it was the super low expectations. Or maybe, it was the 5 minutes of the lovely Meester. Or maybe, the fact that I actually found myself liking most of the characters (very rare occurrence in slashers). Whatever it was, it's the best horror movie I've seen in 2010! So, if you can get your hands on this movie for free, or via download, or if you just got $10.99 burning a hole in your pocket. Or if you have a hunger, that only a faux reality show horror comedy can satiate, then, damn it, go see Killer Movie. You could do a lot worse, ....

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 (#1-10)

Well here it is. My Top Horror Movies of 2009! Sorry for taking so long to get this posted but I had to catch up on some of the movies I missed this year. I usually look at other people's lists and watch the movies that others claimed were the best. If I didn't, I would have missed a few sleepers and some hidden gems.

So this year's edition is a "fat as Texas" edition. I'm not just posting a top 10 list but adding #11-20 as well. If you missed #11-20 click here. This list from #11-20 you'll be surprised to find has many of the movies that can be found on the horrorsphere's Top 10 lists. I had a different take on what was considered "the best" this year and my picks are totally abnormal from everybody else. I'm just quirky that way.

First some fun facts and sidenotes!

• Though some of these movies came out in 2008, I label any movie that got wide releases or DVD releases in 2009 as coming out in 2009.
  
• It's a mix of STV, indie horror and box office elephants.
  
• Here are the movies I didn't see yet: Anti Christ, Cold Prey, Infestation, 36 Pasos, Jennifer's Body, The Last House on the Left, Rec 2, The Descent 2 and countless others
• 3 films that almost made the list that now get the Honorable Mentions tag: The Burrowers (2 spinkicks), Carriers (2 and half spinkicks), Bad Biology (2 and half spinkicks)
• The 20 films broken down by country: USA = 13, UK=1, France =1, Korea =1, Canada=2, Norway=1, Sweden=1
• The 20 films broken down by spinkick rating: 4 spinkicks=3, 3 and a 1/2 spinkicks= 2, 3 spinkicks=10, 2 spinkicks and a half=1, 2 spinkicks=4
• To read the entire review of the film click on the title.
• 4 spinkicks didn't necessarily guarantee you a higher place on the list.
  

So what did 2009 offer us in the world of horror?

• Shaky cam/POV horror makes a comeback that nobody saw coming
• All of Hollywood's remakes sucked and all were big giant turds
• The whispering killer kid movies stormed into the mainstream and excelled
• Zombie movies still packed a punch but vampire movies ruled the horror universe
• Long awaited movies made their much awaited DVD premieres
• My #1 movie is again not from the USA

Let's get to the list! Here is #10 to #1.

10.) Zombieland (3 spinkicks)

Zombieland is the only big blockbuster box office elephant in the top 10 and its one of the best zombie comedy movies to come out since Shaun of the Dead.

The "rules", Woody, the Bill Murray cameo and the zombie kill carnage are all top notch and so much fun.

To think this could have been a TV series is unbelievable as it works so perfectly as a movie. My favorite rules were "Double Tap" and "Enjoy the Little Things"

And there were a ton of little things in Zombieland that I highly enjoyed.

Read the full review here.


9.) Header (3 spinkicks and half)

Header was released by Synapse on DVD in 2009 which is why it qualifies as 2009. But why is a movie you've never heard of ranked #9 on my list?

Because of the title. What the hell is a header?

I can't tell you or it would ruin the entire movie. Let's just say Header is filled with a redneck Hatfields and McCoys war, moonshine and some of the most fucked up shit I've ever seen.

Header is the best underground horror movie of the 21st century. If you decide to cowboy up and watch Header, you are a fuckin sicko. A disturbed, fucked up individual.

And in doing so, you will be initiated into the elite club of having seen one of the most fucked up films ever made. Welcome to the club.

Read the full review here.

8.) Laid to Rest (3 spinkicks)

Our new slasher on the block Chromeskull will be remembered for his style, his knife and his damn sicko looking mask.

Laid to Rest is the best techno slasher movie of the 21st century. If Hatchet was old school American horror, Laid to Rest is new school American horror.

What Robert Hall has created here is purely an homage to all the slashers films that have come before. It's also a pure millennium based slasher film that is so sly and witty and full of top notch splatter and gore we all need to give him a standing O.

Laid to Rest should be seen if you call yourself a horror fan. It's easily one of the best horror movies of 2009.

Read the full review here.

7.) Pontypool (3 spinkicks)

Pontypool has been making many Top 10 lists and I'm adding it to mine.

Pontypool was a totally different type of pretzel I've never seen before.

It's an actually intelligent virus turning the masses into a bunch of crazies type movie that can be perceived in many ways. Is it a satire of censorship? A commentary on geopoliticalisms? Or is it just a suspense driven horror film to scare the crap out of you.

Well, it's all 3 and so much more.

You'll dread you speak the English language.

Read the full review here.

6.) Let the Right One In (3 spinkicks)

I had said I wanted to put this on my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008, but I kinda watched it too late. As technically we all saw this on DVD in 2009, it cements itself here at #6.

Dump more praise on the Let the Right One In bandwagon.

A movie about a 12 year old girl engulfed in vampire lore is so full of innocence and dramatic despair that it's more emotional and more touching then seeing some vampire teens whining about their iPods.

More importantly, this movie is about loneliness and the connections we have in our lives.Plus seeing a 12 year old vamp suck blood seems kinda sick and awesome at the same time.

Read the full review here.

5.) Trick R Treat (4 spinkicks)

A top 10 list is not complete without having Trick R Treat on it right?

One of the best anthologies to come out in a while, this creative and unique Halloween themed campfire tales was the perfect movie to see on October 31st.

Trick 'R Treat is the best Halloween movie since Halloween. For an anthology collection, it ranks right up there with Creepshow and Tales from the Crypt.

You wonder why nobody makes movies like these anymore. I'm going all Nostradamus here but I think TRT will spawn more anthology horror movies and either that's a good thing or a poisoned candy apple.

And who can forget our new "what the hell is he?" rookie slasher of the year: Sam. One of the most scariest WTF killers to come on the horrorverse in quite a long time.

Trick R Treat was hyped and lived it up. BOO!

Read the full review here.

4.) Black Devil Doll (4 spinkicks)

The moment after I saw Black Devil Doll, it was guaranteed a spot on my Top 10 list. Think blaxsploitation, slasher flick, Skinemax and comedy all thrown into a blender and your waxing your carrot while waiting.

That's Black Devil Doll.

Black Devil Doll is the apex of all modern day blaxploitation movies, filled with sleazy humor, tons of nudity and splatter happy gore. Harking back to the old grimy and sticky Times Square grindhouse days, Black Devil Doll is a tour de force of debauchery, insanity and nudity.

And it has a Muthafuckin Puppet!

Read the full review here.

3.) Deadgirl (3 and a half spinkicks)

Deadgirl is like a depraved, warped up horror version of Stand by Me. Think an indie film with a horror element Romero-ed into it. Such is the beauty and the chill sicko-ness of Deadgirl, definitely one of the top 10 horror movies of 2009.

I've seen films where as I'm watching I feel really ashamed to be seeing this. Deadgirl so disturbing yet highly provocative that at the end you feel dirty, kinda ugh and your definitely not Jersey Shore fist pumping in the air. But when a movie like this comes along, you have to give it a standing O.

Read the full review here.




2.) Thirst (4 spinkicks)

I watched Thirst at the end of the year. It was one of those "its on a lot of Best of lists" so before I lock down my list, I needed to see this. And what did it do?

It knocked some good movies out of the Top 10 and flew up to #2. Now that says a lot doesn't it?

Chan-wook Park's Thirst is more than a vampire movie it's a morality tale of how absolute power can corrupt absolutely. It has so many layers, that each of the 3 separate acts could have been turned into their own movie.

Chan-wook Park established himself with his Vengeance Trilogy. Those movies revolutionized the action genre. With Thirst he's done it again. The horror genre will never be the same.

Read the full review here.

1.) Martyrs (3 spinkicks)

Yup. Another French movie is #1 on my list for the 2nd year in a row. Lo and behold the fuckedupness that is Martyrs. It's the most controversial, I loved it-I hated it, film of 2009. From every voice in the horror world, nobody can stop talking about this film.

I came down on the "I absolutely LOVED it" side. Why?
Martyrs has sort of created a new subgenre of horror. Uber-surreal torture-core.

It's a twisblended hybrid of the Argentoism, pure unrelenting grindy torture-core and horror taken to a transcendent level.

That's not to say I didn't have my gripes. It's almost pointless at times until you get to the end and figure what the whole thing is about. For 100 minutes, if you take the visceral challenge, you may have been a martyr yourself.

The ending is an absolute marathon to watch but when you see the finish line and finally realize what the whole thing was about, you begin to think back on everything you just witnessed. Some have said it's absolutely pointless, I beg to differ.

The definition of Martyr is "to witness". And after seeing this movie, you feel like Anna in the movie. It's a transcendent horror movie, one that makes us endure the most horrific scenes I've ever seen and than drops a bombshell and says it's all for the better good.

To witness Martyrs is to challenge yourself and to think about the endless possibilities of existence. And for that experience, it's my #1 horror movie of 2009.

the jaded viewer related linkage:

• Top Horror Movies of 2009 (#11-20)
• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2009
• Check out The Jaded Viewer's Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010 (#10-1)
• Check out The Jaded Viewer's Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010 (#20-11)

****************************************************

OK, I know you horror minions have your 2 cents. So go ahead and let me have it. Throw that smelly poop at me or if on the off chance you partially agreed on some of my picks, send me that love. Chime in and let me know what you think.

This list of the Top 20 Horror Movies of 2009 also is an opportunity to see the movies you may have missed that made many of the best of 2009 within the horror community. We all missed a few flicks here and there. I hope you all give all of these movies a chance and then come back and let me know what's the what.

Next up: The Best Horror Movies of 2009 (A compilation from the horrorsphere)




Tags:
Top 10 horror movies of 2009, best horror movies 2009 , top slasher movies 2009 , 2009 horror movies

Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 (#11-20)

Well here it is. My Top Horror Movies of 2009! Sorry for taking so long to get this posted but I had to catch up on some of the movies I missed this year. I usually look at other people's lists and watch the movies that others claimed were the best. If I didn't, I would have missed a few sleepers and some hidden gems.

So this year's edition is a "fat as Texas" edition. I'm not just posting a top 10 list but adding #11-20 as well. This list of #11-20 you'll be surprised to find has many of the movies that can be found on the horrorsphere's Top 10 lists. I had a different take on what was considered "the best" this year and my picks are totally abnormal from everybody else. I'm just quirky that way.

First some fun facts and sidenotes!

• Though some of these movies came out in 2008, I label any movie that got wide releases or DVD releases in 2009 as coming out in 2009
  
• It's a mix of STV, indie horror and box office elephants
  
• Here are the movies I didn't see yet: Anti Christ, Cold Prey, Infestation, 36 Pasos, Jennifer's Body, The Last House on the Left, Rec 2, The Descent 2 and countless others
• 3 films that almost made the list that now get the Honorable Mentions tag: The Burrowers (2 spinkicks), Carriers (2 and half spinkicks), Bad Biology (2 and half spinkicks)
• The 20 films broken down by country: USA = 13, UK=1, France =1, Korea =1, Canada=2, Norway=1, Sweden=1
• The 20 films broken down by spinkick rating: 4 spinkicks=3, 3 and a 1/2 spinkicks= 2, 3 spinkicks=10, 2 spinkicks and a half=1, 2 spinkicks=4
• To read the entire review of the film click on the title.
  

So what did 2009 offer us in the world of horror?

• Shaky cam/POV horror makes a comeback that nobody saw coming
• All of Hollywood's remakes sucked and all were big giant turds
• The whispering killer kid movies stormed into the mainstream and excelled
• Zombie movies still packed a punch but vampire movies ruled the horror universe
• Long awaited movies made their much awaited DVD premieres
• My #1 movie is again not from the USA

Let's get to the list! Here is #20 to #11.

20.) The Hills Run Red (2 spinkicks)

The Hills Run Red got the hype treatment within the horror universe this year. It's premise, it's sleek grindy slasher and Sophia Monk wearing nothing should be enough to equal yayness and approval from us fans. For me, it equals more of a mix bag of donuts. Sure you get your oozing jelly filled, and your chocolate yuminess. But you also get your over done elaborate, sprinkled Boston cremes and some other exotic new flavors that catch your eye. Yeah, it looks pretty but it doesn't taste that good.

Well that's The Hills Run Red. It looks good from the outside but when you dig in, it's not as delicious as you thought it would be.

Read the full review here.


19.) Grace (2 spinkicks)

Grace is on many Top 10 lists this year. Can you believe I have this as #19?

Before you start throwing dirty diapers at me, I liked some moments in the film but as I wrote:

Overall, Grace is stretched out from a short to a feature and you can see some of the stretch marks on what didn't work. The idea is sound, the performances solid and the bits of gore are well done. But at the end of it, Grace's message doesn't resonate intensely on the "What would you do for your child" theme...

Read the full review.



18.) Evil Things (2 spinkicks and a half)

Overshadowed by Paranormal Activity, Rec and others, Evil Things takes the shaky cam and blends in some home invasion.

Finally, the movie is making the rounds on the horror blogosphere and getting the praise it deserves.

Read the full review here.



17.) The House of the Devil (2 spinkicks)

The House of the Devil is another one of those movies that's way up top on many best of lists. I loved the 80s nostalgia throwback machine but hated the slow burn.

I was not a fan of devil worshipping movies to begin with so I couldn't enjoy this as much as the rest of the horrorverse.

That isn't to say I didn't find moments of suspense and WTF craziness in The House of the Devil. It teases you with creepy moments and visual candy.

A very decent movie from Ti West that should be applauded just for the fact that it didn't adhere to all the conventions of 2009 horror.

Read the full review here.

16.) Drag Me To Hell (2 spinkicks)

Sam Raimi's return to horror was overhyped to say the least. Drag Me To Hell is vintage Raimi, no doubt and others have deemed this as one of the best this year.

No argument by me. I enjoyed seeing Deadite like goofiness and ocular trauma splattered with that Raimi-ness.

But why do I have this dismally at #16? Well I had a problem with the main character Christine. She was not the heroine I was expecting and played victim throughout.

It's basically Evil Dead lite. And I was wishing for the epic good vs evil Raimi horror of old.

Read the full review here.


15.) End of the Line (3 spinkicks)

Haven't heard of End of the Line? Most of America hasn't either. This little Canadian flick was released on DVD this year and blew me away by making the horror movie on a train work...and work well.

Basically it's religious cult going all homicidal on a train and the survivors trying to stay alive.

Somehow, I just dug it though it gets a little weird towards the end.

It's a sleeper movie of 2009 that should get its props.

Read the full review here.



14.) Paranormal Activity (3 spinkicks)

Paranormal Activity is one of the movies bumped from the Top 10. Everytime I would see another awesome movie, PA got knocked down a few steps. But it really did amp up the shot on video/POV horror film just like the Blair Witch Project did.

It's those night vision, sleep moments that are creepy and scary as hell. Simply said, I wrote:

Paranormal Activity is a very creepy and scary movie that follows the shaky cam/found footage formula to a tee. It doesn't live up to the hype, but it does get very close. The movie relies on ingrained fear of the unknown and tosses some sound effects, shadow and bizarre creepiness and an ending that people won't forget.

Read the full review here.

13.) The Children (3 spinkicks)

The second best killer kid movie of 2009. The Children is appearing on many lists and deservedly so. The best part is that the virus that has turned them into serial tots is never explained adding more to the mystery.

The adults play like victim fodder for a change and there are plenty of WTF moments.

The theme that plays throughout is the moral dilemma of the act of killing a kid to defend yourself or to save a loved one.

Those who are brave enough to watch The Children, you will never see a playground the same way again.

Read the full review here.


12.) Dead Snow (3 spinkicks)

It's Nazi Zombies!!!!!

I've been waiting for a Nazi zombie film for such a long time and Dead Snow is horror comedy that doesn't shy away from giving awesome LOLs and Kool Aid blood arterial spraying on white snow.

Blood, splatter, self aware Norwegian horror characters and chainsaws.

What more do you need for a good horror comedy?

Read the full review here.




11.) Orphan (3 spinkicks)

Orphan should be part of the Top 10 but I had to make the tough decision of who should be excluded. And Orphan was wedged into the #11 spot. I think this movie is on every top 10 list I've seen so far...but sadly not on mine.

Isabelle Fuhrma's performance is one of the best of the year, the scenes of Esther carnage are brutally sadistic (for a Hollywood movie) and the "twist" (one I predicted early on) still is one of the most clever explanations used in a horror movie in a long time.

Definitely the best killer kid movie this year and one of the biggest surprises in the box office elephant department.

Read the full review here.

jaded viewer related linkage:

Continue on to the Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 #1-10........

• Check out The Jaded Viewer's Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010 (#10-1)
• Check out The Jaded Viewer's Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010 (#20-11)

Tags:
Top 10 horror movies of 2009, best horror movies 2009 , top slasher movies 2009 , 2009 horror movies