The Shortround: Making Friends and Downloading and You

I just wanted to drop these two Halloween shorts as they are both excellently awesome. It just gets you in the mood for cute and cuddly slaughter. First up, Michael Dougherty brings back Sam from Trick R Treat for his short "Making Friends".

Also, here is ArieScope's Adam Green's annual Halloween short entry "Downloading and You". Commence the gore, slaughter and hilarity.

Know of anymore Halloween shorts? Drop me the link in the comments!

Adam Green's Hatchet II (Review)

Hatchet II

Adam Green's Hatchet II (2010)

Directed by Adam Green

By now you've heard about the controversy that surrounded Hatchet 2's theatrical release. It was pulled mid run from theaters from AMC who cited "poor performance" at the box office. But the horror-sphere will argue that releasing an uncut, unrated and uncensored version of the movie in theaters was a huge gamble by Dark Sky Films and AMC and it was pulled because it contained too much exteeminess, gore and splatter.

Arguments aside Hatchet 2 deserved at least a decent theatrical run to prove old school American horror can survive theatrically. When all that floods US theaters are PG-13 3D CGI kills snoozefests, one can only wonder if the 80s inspired slasher films can survive in this climate. Obviously not.

But on the merit of a horror film, Hatchet 2 is a sequel that literally starts off where the last one ended. Everything about Hatchet 2 follows the sequel formula to a tee. It's been said before that Green's Hatchet is to Alien as Green's Hatchet 2 is to Aliens. Hunters abound in the sequel and all hell breaks loose. But we'll get to that in a sec.

Hatchet 2 is an unapologetic splatter slasher flick that says "Fuck You" to the other horror movies of 2010. It's the big bully in the room that taunts you, gives you wedgies, makes you feel sympathetic towards it then punches you in the face and takes your lunch money. Straight out, it's one of the best horror movies of 2010 and will easily make my top 10 list.

Victor Crowley slaughtered his way into a great rookie season in the original. Here he gives more of the same. It's the same formula and somehow it works again. I might as well go with my same review formula to.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Marybeth escapes the clutches of the deformed, swamp-dwelling iconic killer Victor Crowley. After learning the truth about her family's connection to the hatchet-wielding madman...

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If you are any kind of horror fan, you will appreciate Hatchet 2 for what it is. A fun, goofy gorefest slasher film. It doesn't take itself seriously and if you just relax and take it all in, you know Adam Green is winking at you with a few inside jokes. If you missed it, here are a couple.

• The film starts off exactly where the first film ended
• Adam Green makes a cameo as Ben and Marcus's friend whose still in New Orleans
• The character Chad references living in Glen Echo and if they heard about Leslie Vernon (referencing Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon)
• The character Parker from Adam Green's movie Frozen is seen briefly on the TV in Reverend Zombie's voodoo shop speaking to news cameras about her lawsuit and settlement against the ski mountain from the film.
• Troma's Lloyd Kaufman makes a cameo as one of the would be hunters
  

But let's get to the standard slasher jaded viewer checklist for this review

What makes a good, fun slasher movie? Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Hatchet 2 achieve everything on this list?

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Check. Plus we get a cameo from our former Buffy the Vampire Slayer cast member. You can't go wrong with the best nudity in a horror film. Gratuitous nudity. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Partial check. Well it's more like redneck caricatures who are old people who die gruesome and horrific deaths. Old people dying is fun.

4.) No Plot?

Check. It's a check in the fact that sure in Hatchet 2 we get to know a little more about the backstory of our freak show Hatchet face Victor Crowley. Seems like he's a bit Obama-ish which explains why he has the body of Ray Lewis. More Crowley mythology was OK but it wasn't necessary. You tell me he's a ghost/spectre from the swamp, I'm good.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. I especially enjoyed the double saw as well as the hatchet in the vagina kill. Parry Shen has now been killed twice and both were solid. Poor Parry. Some face scraping and propeller trauma weren't that original but Green was quite creative on the kills. I give the kills a B+.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Sorta Check. A few fodder victims never believe the legend and get to meet good ole Vic up close in person. Hot girl Marybeth takes charge and Danielle Harris does a great job in being the final girl. Her Southern drawl accent came and went but I let it go. Her uber hotness and cuteness negates any "bad acting". Parry Shen is hilarious as Justin, twin brother of Shawn from the first movie. I like how he had the faux goatee like he was the evil twin. Tony Todd plays creep Rev. Zombie who knows how to kill Crowley. But his theory is as good as looking it up on Wikipedia.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. A former couple add some random sex before they're eliminated. We get a token black guy making token black guy funnies that come out flat.

9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Check. Tony Todd is the only one in Hatchet 2 but when he's battling Victor Crowley I was like: "It's Candyman vs Jason!!!! This is fuckin awesome!!!!"

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Actually...well.....ummm....no?

If you haven't seen the original, seeing these movies back to back makes the Hatchet series a solid entry to the American slasher genre. It's not as good as the first one as the characters in Hatchet 2 were more of the locals rather that the funny, goofy tourists. But the on screen kills were all top notch and quite creative.

And at the end of the day, your going to watch Hatchet 2 to see those gallons of blood tossed on a tree. I mean it's such an old school effect but somehow I don't mind. I don't need to see CGI kills to be a happy horror boy. All I need are dumb victims, a secluded area and a body being twisted in a way that's not humanly possible.

It's that same formula that worked in the 80s, worked in the 90s and worked the aughts. And it works. Hatchet 2 is old school American horror. Got that motherfucker?

Gore-ipedia

See checklist item #6

Nude-ipedia

Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous


WTF moment

Double saw kill...fuckin awesome

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Hatchet 2 is already on Video on Demand and will come out on BluRay/DVD on February 1st. Many in the horror blogosphere have made it their mission to support Adam Green and unrated horror. As a horror fan, you should be for this when it comes to horror movies that deserve it.

Hatchet 2 is violent, sick and twisted. It's a gorehound's delight and a top notch slasher flick. It deserves your support and will show up on my Top 10 list for sure.

The Vitals

• The official site
• ArieScope Pictures
  
• Facebook Page
• Follow Adam Green on Twitter

Rating:

Old School American Horror: Revisiting the Hatchet Death Scenes

With Hatchet 2 coming out next month and after rewatching it on Showtime, I had forgotten how awesome Hatchet is. I remember when I first heard about Hatchet. It was probably on some horror site and the tagline of "Old School American Horror" just got me pumped. We we're going to see a fuckin vintage 80s slasher film. This is the shit!

I saw the trailer and it looked mega awesome. Adam Green had unleashed Hatchet to us at the perfect time. We weren't massively rebooting or sequeling all the old horror we had now. It was new, it was a throwback and it was full of extreemy gore. I didn't realize Hatchet (see my original review) was going to bring back all that was fun about the slasher genre. And it did and jolted up to #2 on My Top 10 Horror Movies of 2007.

When I wrote my review, the legend of Victor Crowley as a new iconic slasher hadn't hit me yet. Here's what I wrote:

"Our man, Hatchet head is by far the most solid slasher to come along in ages. He's not a mysterious, conjured up evil or a pissed off fisherman, nor is he two teenage horror buffs.

He's a deformed, inbred redneck with a big hatchet scar. His dad put a hatchet in his fuckin head. That's a awesome slasher."

So after watching the film, I figured a relook back at the mega awesome death scenes would be fun. Have you forgotten them already? Let's rewatch em again and rank em!

DEATHS #1 and #2 (Mr. and Mrs. Permatteo)

"Mr and Mrs. Permatteo are totally getting ripped off"

the jaded viewer says: When I first saw this, I got flashbacks of Jason immediately. "Jump to conclusions" guy is hatcheted up and the Mrs get her mouth ripped open inside out.

Rating: A

DEATHS #3 (Shapiro), #4 (Jenna), #5 (Shawn), #6 (Marcus), #7 (Misty) (killed off screen)



"Shapiro gets a twist" (@ :33)

the jaded viewer says: Solid goblets of gore as Vic goes all twisty on our porn con man. Vic already went all mouth rippy, but the neck twisting was a twist (hahah get it?) and it's still awesome but kinda didn't have the splatter oooomph of the second kill. Still solid arterial spraying.

Rating: B+

"Jenna loves the pole" (@:48)

the jaded viewer says: Where the hell did Vic get a sand blaster? Is he sanding the Crowley house? Still an awesome skin rippage scene complete with a wrestling move thrown in.

Rating: B

"Shawn wasn't head strong" (@ 1:05)

the jaded viewer says: Poor Shawn. Sure he wasn't the best New Orleans ghost tour guide, but he tried his best to keep everybody from losing their minds....well except his own. Simple decapitation but solid.

Rating: B

"Marcus gets disarmed" (@ 1:44)

the jaded viewer says: It's not enough he gets his arms ripped of by Vic, but his now armless body gets pounded into the "Green" tombstone. I love how Adam Green gave us that not so subtle visual cameo Easter egg.

Rating: B

DEATHS #8 and #9 (Victor Crowley (not really) and Ben (well he looks like he's gonna die))

"Vic, be careful there's a pole...never mind."



the jaded viewer says: The supposed death of Victor Crowley came off kinda blah. I mean he runs into the pole. But the ending after the ending totally makes up for it as he uses Ben's arm to get Marybeth.

Rating: C

Well there ya go. A solid retrospective of the deaths from Hatchet. As the sequel takes place right after the original, we'll see if Ben survives (umm I don't think so). What new death scenes will we see in the sequel?

Can it possibly top these? In a month we'll find out. And we'll also get to know of the curse and back story of our new wait for it LEGENDARY slasher, Victor Crowley.

So what was your favorite death scene? Do you think Hatchet 2 can top these? Let me know!

"Kids can be so cruel"

Frozen (Review)

Frozen

Frozen (2010)

Directed by Adam Green

I'm not going to lie. I got caught up in the hype for Adam Green's new movie Frozen. I absolutely loved Hatchet, dug Spiral and have enjoyed all the ArieScope shorts (including some awesome Halloween themed shorts). So suffice it to say, I am a big fan of Green and his work.

So my bias had me giving this movie 4 spinkicks even before I saw it. But I realized I needed to review this flick with some sort of objectivity and so as I watched, that 4 spinkicks would be modified as the flick went along.

OK, so with my prejudice out of the way, what did I think of Frozen?

I absolutely loved the premise of what would you do if you were trapped on a ski lift and there was no hope of rescue. I had a few coworkers watch the trailer and we all came up with theories. Some of them would sit and wait for help, others would go all MacGyver and work out a way to get down.

The movie shows some of these theories play out and a few others that seem quite preposterous. Like the movie its ultimately compared to, Open Water (a movie I also thought was average at best) the best part of the movie is not seeing the suffering or the panic on the faces of our would be survivors, it's coming up with ways we think we could survive the same ordeal.

It's a mixed bag of nuts for me. I liked the premise, the escape attempts and *gasp* even the characters. What I didn't like were the other obstacles that nature threw their way that seemed outright ridiculous.

So for this review (as I try to be non spoiler-ish), I've come up with my own rules of how to survive being on a ski lift without the hope of rescue.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Three skiers are stranded on a chairlift and forced to make life-or-death choices that prove more perilous than staying put and freezing to death.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

How to Survive Being Stuck on A Ski Lift

1.) Have your cell phone at all times (and make sure it's got coverage at the ski resort!)

Sure you don't want to break your phone while snowboarding or skiing but it sure would be a good idea when your stuck on a ski lift. Hell, even if it doesn't work you can play MindSweeper while you wait to die.

2.) Have interesting stories to talk about while waiting for that eventual, slow painful death

So if you've been stuck in a winter storm, our main characters are as follows:

• Dan (college X-Gamer who plays Rational Guy)
• Parker (his GF who plays Panic Girl)
• Lynch (Dan's BFF who plays Hero Guy)

The one thing about Frozen is the characters feel real. None of them seem like hipster douchebags who you want to die. I actually felt sympathy and was pulling for all of them to survive (especially Lynch who is the stereotypical stoner but comes out instead as a dude you wanna have a beer with)

Adam Green made Frozen quick and probably in budget but he has pretty much one setting for 80% of the movie. 3 people on a ski lift. So how in the world do you get people to tolerate such a thing for an hour or so?

You really need them to talk about themselves and tell stories that are interesting to the audience. And Lynch does this well (he talks about meeting Dan, awesome cereals, his lost love and celebrities he would do). The others, Parker and Dan are in relationship mode and console each other. But Lynch makes all the difference as he's the Shaun White guy with the funny one liners.

One scene that had me squirming was the eventual death of one of the 3. Two characters only looked at each other as a slaughter occurred. Very good Adam Green stuff on this. Kudos.

3.) Bring various objects that can be MacGyver-ed into a device that can be made into something that can aide in your escape (and also gum)

So our 3 X-gamers don't have ski lift tix but fandangle their way via the ski lift operator for one last run. But circumstances work out perfectly, that this dude and dudes "forget" about them (they are probably gonna be charged with manslaughter at the end of the day)

But in the meantime, our group of 3 are hungry, they are having urination issues and are cold as fuck. Night is approaching and its time to think of ways of escaping these freezer box torture. If they had brought a hanger, a bungee cord, a Phillips head screwdriver and some gum, they could have easily created a device to get them down.

So how does one get down from a ski lift?

Here are some of my outrageous theories (some of them are even plausible!)

• Use one of the ski poles to slide down on the wire where the lifts are attached
• Use your clothing and various snow equipment to make a rope and lower yourself down
• Jump to a nearby tree to break your fall
• Use the cushion your sitting on and jump off with that to break your fall

Of course the movie plays out the worst of the ideas and that's where it shines. Seeing the gruesomeness and consequences of these escape attempts even got me, the jaded viewer, a little squeamish. I winced quite a few times which goes to show you how the movie is effective in this way.

The movie is very realistic in what happens when you try to do the impossible. Nobody here is going to the Winter Olympics and they are all amateurs in survival. I really liked this about Frozen and it doesn't skim on the gore factor. You're gonna get hurt and it's going to hurt like fuckin crazy.

4.) Bring some Chapstick and a portable heater

So the effects of a prolonged cold are going to wreak havoc on the human body. Frostbite is the main adversary in the battle vs the winter. Frozen does do a great job of illustrating the evolution of it on the human body (and for us gorehounds, more so gratuitously).

5.) Bring Samurai Swords, a flamethrower and a high powered assault rifle (to scare any woodland creatures away)

The movie was at a high 3 spinkicks for me until we got some nature vs man moments inserted into the flick.

**!!!!!!SPOILERS!!!!!** (sorry can't help it)

The wolves were a bit overkill on here. I can believe sharks in Open Water but wolves at a ski resort? Sure, that could happen but where are the wolves when the ski resort is opened? I'm no Animal Planet expert but these wolves are like an LA street gang. I mean our crew is only in their territory a short time and the wolves are performing drive by mauls.

This is indeed the WTF moment of the film and for me it's not a very good Big Bad and destroys the realisticness of the movie. The mega cold, blizzard conditions, frostbite and human error are all things that COULD happen but the wolves were overkill in my opinion.

Frozen ends a little differently than I would have wanted it to and for that another spinkick gets knocked down. Sure we've gotten a few survivor stories (many unbelievable from the Haiti earthquake) but more so, it's more probable that there are more sad endings than happy.

All in all Frozen is a slightly above average film that delivers the goods and the reactions of what people would do if the worst case scenario happened to them. I applaud Adam Green for taking a very obvious question and extending it to a movie that has some solid suspense, some shiverish moments and ample amounts of gore.

Frozen is a survival movie where nature attacks from all sides. But its our will to survive that usually ends in our downfall. Go see it and decide what you would do if that were you up on the ski lift is sub zero temperatures. Because what you think might work, doesn't.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Indie Horror has to be supported so if Frozen is playing in your neighborhood, please go see it. Here is the link to the cities it's playing at. Right now, the movie is got people leaning in the middle. Some absolutely love the movie, others thought it was dribble.

I fall on neither extreme side. I loved some parts of it and others I felt were too goofy and unrealistic. But that won't stop me from telling you to see Frozen to see why everybody has such a diverse opinion about it.

Now I'm going to make me some hot chocolate. It's cold outside.

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Grace (Review)

Grace

Grace (2009)

Directed by Paul Solet

So is this what Blade's mother went through?

I've been watching the supposed "best" horror movies of 2009 so I can make a solid list of the years best. Grace has been put on many of these lists and I went in thinking this was a shoe in to be on there.

Well horror minions, its not going to be.

It's a very well made flick, the aura of the mommy and daughter bond is nurturingly depraved but all in all, I just didn't feel it pushed it into the stratosphere of OMG awesomeness!

For me Grace is an exercise of stretching a short (see the short via Freddy in Space) into a full length film and actually making it worse. It should have played out a little more surreal. Some have actually said its a stretch to call Grace a horror movie. That its much more. I disagree. It's pure horror. I mean its about a baby that craves blood! What's more horrorific than that?

That's not to say the movie doesn't have it creepy moments. It's a mixed bag of roasted peanut goodness plus some terrible tasting cashews in there. So as much as I wanted to love Grace, I just couldn't. And so we're going into a trimester breakdown of the film. Yup, I'm using gratuitous cliches.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

After losing her unborn child, Madeline Matheson insists on carrying the baby to term. Following the delivery, the child miraculously returns to life with an appetite for human blood. Madeline is faced with a mother's ultimate decision.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The 1st trimester (aka the first 35 minutes)

Jordan Ladd and Stephen Park are Madeline and Michael Matheson, who have been trying to have a child and finally have one on the way. We meet Madeline's mother in law Vivian (Gabrielle Rose) who we get right away is one of those antagonizing mothers that can drive you crazy. Seems Madeline is a vegan, soy milking PETA endorsing type and she wants to deliver naturally so they go see a midwife Patricia (Samantha Ferris).

The first 35 is all set up to the birth and death of our newborn Grace. After a scare in the hospital, a car accident leaves Michael dead, Madeline alive and the baby...well we don't know what the baby's condition is. Madeline has the pregnancy to term and delivers via Patricia, a stillborn baby....very much dead.

The penultimate scene (taken from the short) is when after giving birth Patricia proclaims "You can't will a...". It's chilling and effective when the baby jumps to life. Very twistedly goosebumpy and you know this can only lead to successive WTF moments. The movie than goes into those moments via slow burn. Most of America has ADD, so with a 5 hour energy drink and a Red Bull I painstakingly paid attention.

So what do we get?

• Grace deteriorating via a bath
• Grace throwing up mommy's breast milk
• And a closing shot from the POV of Grace lookingthrough the fly net with Madeline looking at the accumulating flies (this is one of the best scenes in the film)

The 2nd trimester (the next 30 minutes)

This is where we see mom and daughter bond and were the supposed transcendent portion of this bond. Madeline soon finds out Grace craves blood and she does everything she can to accommodate. The scenes of nurturing seem lacking for me. From sacrificing her vegan ways to a obvious murder, I could see the argument being made for the pro "What would you do for your child?" contingent.

It's a surreal motherhood in action and fascinating to watch but here's my beef. Sure, Grace shows sign of zombieness or vampire hybridy but for being the titular character should have been a little more anti-normal. If we saw Grace decomposing (yeah that does sound horrible I know) that would have made more of an impact on Madeline's actions. In the short, Grace is shown in q more gruesome fashion. I think we really needed that so we can see Madeline's transformation of mom to psycho mom.

You can't tell me the vagueness of whats Grace is didn't bother you. This is a horror movie and some subtle hint would have been nice. Ladd is solid in her performance as we see her succumb the demands of servicing Grace. Mentally and physically we see her deteriorate just like her baby. It's a good parallel and I would have liked to see more of it.

The 3rd trimester (the last 15 minutes)

The conclusion is filled with reveals and discovery by all those involved. I did like the poetic last moments of Madeline being a mom to the very end. But for a film that built up a intensity of this mother-daughter bond, we end on such an odd note and with a tad of black humor. Why the black humor now? This could have easily been inserted throughout the film to relax the audience and the viewer and play on their natural instincts.

For 70 or so minutes, Grace doesn't give us moments to breathe. It's psychologically and disturbing throughout. That's not to say I wanted some ha ha's on such a serious toned movie, but we are dealing with a bloodsucking infant here.

Overall, Grace is stretched out from a short to a feature and you can see some of the stretch marks on what didn't work. The idea is sound, the performances solid and the bits of gore are well done. But at the end of it, Grace's message doesn't resonate intensely on the "What would you do for your child" theme like say The Children or Orphan does (killer kid movies that emanate that theme perfectly).

Grace is definitely unlike any horror film I've ever seen (I do agree on that). But if I were to be the midwife on this movie and help it deliver, my suggestion to Paul Solet would be this.

Push the boundaries and go beyond the beyond. In other words, not just make a feature out of your short but challenge the viewer thematically and visually with something they will never forget.


Gore-ipedia

Fly trauma
Blood gushing
Hammer to the head
Bottle blood drainage

Nude-ipedia

See WTF moment

WTF moment

Old people doing it!! My eyes! My eyes!! I'm blind!!!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This is the 2nd time this week I haven't fully liked one of the supposed best horror movies of 2009. I don't get caught in any bandwagon hype and I stick by my thoughts. Like em or hate em, I review a film in a way where the average horror moviegoer gets represented as well as the typically jaded viewer.

Grace is available on BluRay and DVD via Amazon.com.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

the jaded viewer goes on vacation.....again

Well I will be MIA for the next few days as I travel to New Orleans for some much needed R&R. I figure while I'm there, I'll head down to the Louisiana bayou and visit my old friend Victor Crowley.

Me and Vic (his friends call him Vic, his victims call him "NOOOOOO! Argh!!!") We go way back. I visited him after he got that Hatchet in the head. We played Monopoly, Jenga and Trivial Pursuit. Vic also liked to kill animals with his bare hands. I just never got into that.

I'm hoping to bring back some souvenirs. Maybe a severed head, a decapitated arm and possibly my very own hatchet.

So while I'm eating some jambalaya, crawfish and creole food, drop me a line and let me know what's the what. Let me know what you think of the jaded viewer. Do you want more lists? more commentaries? more reviews? more porn?

Let me know or I'll get Vic to drop by your house. I warned ya.

And as a added bonus check out Adam Green's newest Halloween short "Jack Chop"!!!
His shorts are hil-freakin-larious. You can check some of them by going here.





Be back soon!