Lots of new Shortround posts this week. Here's another one where you can actually watch for yourself. From Mark Blitch comes The Code, a horror comedy short that part Buffy part Shaun of the Dead.
The tagline says it all: Put it on your Google Calendar
the jaded viewer says: At 6 minutes, The Code cleverly polishes it's Buffy dialogue and Shaun of the Dead references while throwing in cameos chock full of horror icons. It's funny and knows the stereotypical horror cliches it parodies. I like the cliched opening of a douchebag alpha male with the supposed dumb blonde though I was 100% sure she was a Buffy in disguise.
The vampire, chainsaw slasher and Bigfoot were solid surprises but Taylor Brandt as zombie Shaun steals the show with his loyalty for Google Calendar. Obvious reference aside, it made me LOL and the makeup and FX won ton of awards at the Splatterfest Festival in Houston.
Good job by all those involved and I'm happy you all were able to see it as well.
I was watching an episode of Tosh.0 and Daniel Tosh started naming celebrities he thought he could beat up. It's pretty funny video and it got me thinking, if I were a final guy trapped in a horror movie, which top horror slashers could I outsmart?
Based upon my educational level, my vast knowledge of horror trivia, tactics and experience, I think I could do well against certain slashers and pretty much get sliced early on against others. So below you'll find a list of slashers and whether or not I could outsmart them and escape scot fuckin free.
I want you fellow jaded viewers and my horror blogger alumni to try this experiment as well. List a bunch of slashers and think really hard if you could come out a winner. Don't be asshole/douche and think you could really get away from all of them. Share your lists and we'll all pretend to be smart motherfuckers!
Here's mine!
1.) Jason Voorhees
the jaded viewer says: Fuck yeah I could outsmart Jason. I'm not that freakin clumsy, won't trip running away in the woods and I'm pretty sure I'm in decently physically fit cardio wise. Jason waits for you to board yourself up in a house or cabin in the woods. Fuck that shit.
I'm running all night, even in the dead of night until I reach pavement of a highway. I'll bring a water bottle with me. 2.) Freddy Kreuger
the jaded viewer says: When I dream, I'm totally not in control. I don't know how to dream properly (lucid dreaming or whatever it's called) and I'd totally get Inception killed by the son of 1000 maniacs. 3.) Michael Myers
the jaded viewer says: The king of slashers and the smartest maniac on the planet. Michael was calculated, methodical and damn clever. I wouldn't last 10 minutes if I was hanging out in front of the Haddonfield 7-Eleven.
4.) Jigsaw
the jaded viewer says: Fuck y'all. If I need to hack my arm off I'm doing it to live. But knowing Jigsaw, his traps always have a damn twist so my likely survival probably hovers around 20%.
5.) Chucky
the jaded viewer says: He's a fuckin doll. Outsmart Chucky? Hell I could actually kick his ass. I'll show him who's the Good Guy.
Name a slasher in the comments and in my follow up to this post, I'll let you know if I could win or die a horrific death. If you have a horror blog, choose a few slashers and ask yourself if you could beat these icons of horror.
[this review is from The Jaded Viewer 2 DVD Giveaway Winner Kim K. She suffered through these awful flicks like a real soldier and for that I'm giving her a honorary jaded viewer gold star of awesomeness]
I was warned - these movies won’t be making any "best of" lists. Watching them was a test of will. I have a short attention span. I'm rating them not by spinkicks, but by how many failed attempts it took me to actually sit down with the movie long enough to watch until the end.
"Savage County"
David Harris is a first time director & this was a low budget, direct-to-video production. I have a soft spot for new artists trying to get an edge in, even if I’m not a fan; and judging by their Facebook page, he does have a following, which he is clearly catering toward. If you’re an 11-15 year old who is new to the horror genre & enjoyed the web series this was a spin-off from - you could potentially love this movie. It is the training bra of horror.
The plot follows a group of high school students about to graduate as they road trip out into the countryside one last time. When a prank goes wrong, the kids accidentally kill the eldest of a family of creepy homicidal hillbillies. Creepy hillbillies get pissed. Storyline marches forward into a watered down version of some of the most familiar (and successful) horror themes we know and love. (See: Deliverance, Texas Chainsaw, Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn, House of 1000 Corpses etc etc)
‘Recycled’ doesn’t necessarily resign a movie to a fate of suckage. When you’re playing to human fear, there are only so many threads to explore. Filmmakers in the genre build on and borrow from each other almost as a rule. But you’d better add something original to make it stick in people’s heads if you’re going that route. The fact that one of the hillbillies vaguely resembles Willie Nelson is not enough for me As for the kids, we’ve got a small group of token everything out in this cornfield. The jocks, the cheerleader, the “good girl”, the punky loner, the nerd, the black kid. All of these stereotypes hung out together in your school too, right? There is one particularly useless girl back at base, whose sole job seems to be talking into a webcam and cueing awful music. The movie keeps awkwardly cutting back to her and it was precisely these moments that made me wonder if I needed to take another break.
The plot unfolds. Kids freak out after the accidental murder. Split up. Make one stupid decision after another. Cops get involved. Oops - cops are sided with the hillbillies. Hillbillies torture and pick off kids. The script remains one dimensional, and ends predictably while still leaving loose ends (I fear a sequel’s in the works); yet for a tween slasher-flick, it delivers what is expected and is certainly not the worst ever made. Though it did leave me feeling mildly lobotomized.
I rate this movie: 3 failed attempts.
Check out the trailer. I doubt you'll last :30 secs before you stop watching.
I take pride in watching Category III Hong Kong flicks. I loved the Anthony Wong driven The Ebola Syndrome and Dr. Lamb, video nasties that were fucked up beyond recognition. So it's been a while since I've seen a Cat 3 HK flick but having seen Dream Home litter a few best of 2011 lists, I knew I had to seek this beauty out.
And what did it do? It slaughtered a few of the other flicks from my 10 story top 10 list and moved right into the building (see what I did there?) Dream Home is an uber slasher exploitation film that not only will make inner gorehounds FAP but make the intellectual cinephile think and FAP as well. Rarely does a Cat 3 make you think. Usually you think you're gonna watch some vicious kills and see some boobies. But with a stellar performance by Josie Ho and director Ho-Cheung Pang satirizing the desire for the have nots to have at any costs, it's a tour de kill slasher film of 2011.
Dream Home does suffer with issues with realism, the kills are somewhat comic bookey and there is a serious issue with the use of flashbacks that may confuse some viewers. A subplot of affairs and pacing issues also hurts the film a bit as does the super strength of our uber killer. But all that aside, Cat 3 HK flicks have always had a bit of slapstick and oddness about them that makes them mesmerizing to watch.
Dream Home is my dream movie. Fuck yeah. Boring Plot-O-Matic
Cheng Li-sheung is a young, upwardly mobile professional finally ready to invest in her first home. But when the deal falls through, she is forced to keep her dream alive - even if it means keeping her would-be neighbors dead.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Let's break this down movie down by different sections of an apartment building.
The Lobby
Cheing Lai (Josie Ho) works as a telemarketer for a bank around 2007. She's a regular office drone leading a typical life (working 2 other jobs, taking care of her father and brother, being a mistress and whoring it...you know typical shit). However, she has a dream. She wants to live in an apartment looking over the ocean bay of Hong Kong. Despite her lack of funds to buy this apartment she is willing to do anything to make her dream come true.
It's not everyday a movie opens with some suffocation via plastic bag and plastic handcuff restraints. With Dream Home, you get sucked in and the movie starts to establish a pattern of Cheing Lai going to slasher school while we also get flashbacks of her life as a child which establish her motivations for what happens in the present.
The Living Room
Soon we start seeing our girl in action as she slaughters her would be neighbors all in one night. The odd part of this is I usually root for the slasher and was kinda mystified by my lack of cheering as it seems silly to kill your potential neighbors to bring the price down of an apartment. But the slaughter is magnificio! Our first kill scenes revolve around a pregnant woman who is brilliantly suffocated via suction (you gotta see this shit...fuckin crazy...see below)
....and the old reliable ocular trauma makes a cameo. But as the movie went on, Cheing Lai showed she was vulnerable, getting wounded in the midst of her battles and though we shouldn't empathize with a cold blooded killer, I was hoping she'd be OK.
Maybe it's because she's a woman but oh have Cat 3 flicks changed. Cheing Lai rivals Anthony Wong's throne of being the hardcore of hardcore slashers.
The Kitchen
I mentioned previously the movie employs ill timed flashbacks. First with Cheing Lai as a little girl whose family has to deal with being forcibly removed from their apartment by Triads working for greedy developers. Later she sees the plight of her family and the tole of her dad being sick and not being covered by health insurance.
The flashbacks show up without any notice and sometimes I got lost in where I was. Early on years were subtitled in but it's a bit confusing as one can't tell where we are with the story. I'll say the flashbacks do give you a glimpse of our slashereta's motivations of why this apartment by the sea is so important. Sure it's not justification to kill people but for a crazy insano like Cheing Lai, I guess it is.
The Bedroom
Ahh the bedroom, because that's where the good action all takes place. Cheing Lai's best kills when she home invades a group of Chinese hipsters, whores and drug dealer. The movie climaxes in the kill scenes here with a variety of creative kills ranging from intestine spillage, toilet trauma, glass beaker neck stabbings and wood to mouth Fangoria approved slaughter. And some J. Bobbitt. Because's what's a slasher movie without a penis trauma right?
It's a testament to non CGI-ness of it all. Cheing Lai also gets some luck to get out of the mess she's been in as the cops want to bust in and stop the madness. It's this ridiculousness that makes Dream Home a little fantastic. Can a dude still smoke a joint while his intestines are all over the floor? Dream Home says yes.
The Patio
With all this fuckin awesome slaughter, the movie poses a few ideas about why our mistress of slasher-dom does what she does. The movie satirizes what one is willing to do to buy her own home which in turns plays out the notion of how the housing crisis evolved. Sure Cheing Lai goes the fuckin beserk route to get the price down by the real estate agent by murdering a bunch of people in the building but in retrospect the working class, even the poor are willing to do what it takes to own their own home thus taking those shady deals from the Fannie Mays and other home brokerage companies. Should they have known better? Of course. But somebody should have told them it was wrong. These companies didn't.
As the flashbacks indicate, the HK government seemed to conspire with the mob and real estate developers to remove poor people from their homes in order to replace them with luxury high rises. It seems we can then conclude that the movie was implying that the working class wanted what was originally theirs. Cheing Lai is the embodiment of that.
The movie ends in irony and it's pretty obvious that nobody will live happily ever after. But what Dream Home establishes is a why in the midst of the chaos. The slasher genocides these people for her own selfish reasons but in a way the movie wants us to ignore that she's killed innocent people and empathize with her working class background.
Dream Home is intelligently designed to be an effective satire and an uber bloody and gory slasher which is to say, not an easy thing to do. Ho drives the movie, her performance yings to a woman who has lived harshly than yangs to her being a vicious, cold blooded motherfuckin killer.
I have not seen a HK Cat 3 movie that's left an impact this much like Dream Home. I think I've grown as a horror fan in that I'm not easily glamoured by wicked gore or spectacular splatter anymore. I expect my wickedly gory and spectacular splatter slasher flicks to say something about the world I live in.
Dream Home does just that.
Nude-ipedia
Whores show boobies Simulated sex and BJs I love Cat 3 nudity!
Gore-ipedia
See my descriptions above So much awesomeness and creative kills, it should go into the Hall of Fame WTF moment
The whore gets floor boarded
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Dream Home came out in Hong Kong in 2010 but was released in NA and EU in 2011. It's available on DVD via IFC Midnight. Rarely does one see a Cat 3 film and say that it's thought provoking. Usually I go and say that shit was hilariously fucked up. I can proudly say that it's both!
Look at that release date from the poster. Hahahaha. It was suppose to come out 2 years ago! It's not surprising as The Cabin in the Woods was filmed in 2009. Director Drew Goddard with co-writer Joss Whedon had me salivating at this movie but it totally disappeared when MGM went bye bye.
Here be the plot:
“A group of five friends going on a quiet cabin retreat scratch the surface of something so massive and horrific that they can only begin to fathom what might possibly be going on just as time quickly runs out.”
Starring Chris Hemsworth (pre-Thor) and Whedon favorites Amy Acker (Fred!) and Fran Kranz (Topher!) I have to say I'm kinda psyched for this. Kranz looks to play final guy and can recite Whedon lines in his sleep.
And WTF is the weird invisible forcefield and unseen tech angle in all this??? Whedon is my Master now and if he wrote this, it can't disappoint. No fuckin way. Check out the trailer and share your thoughts.
"It's always the quiet ones that cut your dick off while you're not looking"
-Token black guy DJ
It's rare to see a film that takes the slasher formula and hammers in the gore relentlessly. If there is one thing that nails this down, it's Sweatshop, a splatter soaked gore-o-thon that gives us sex, beats and a big fuckin sledgehammer.
Director Stacy Davidson and writer Ted Geoghegan clearly went for the jugular in this film. I'll get to the gore in a second but the cast of characters who we'll get to meet are the anti-Hollywood Hollister/American Eagle bunch of white people. They're ravers/punk rockers/crustycore motley crew sorta bunch and kudos to the costume department for making them all stand out in their own way.
A few plot points are scattered around, a few LOLs dabbled in but the gorehounds will rejoice when "The Beast" and his banshee she-demons get their kill on. It's the gore and splatter that drives Sweatshop, make no doubt about it. It's not reinventing the slasher genre but it's making sure the definition is being 100% adhered to.
Sweatshop's The Beast is a slasher even Thor would be scared of.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A group of friends break into an abandoned factory in order to throw a impromptu party; unaware that it is not as empty as they originally believed.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
I review every slasher flickwith my handy jaded viewer slasher checklist. Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.
Does Sweatshop achieve everything on this list?
1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?
Check. The Beast's backstory is never told, we don't even know why he wants to kill these glow stick motherfuckers. He's got a pimp fur coat and a welding mask and his fuckin large...like Butterbean large. I'm going to assume he's an inbred redneck as that's what I always assume.
2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?
Definite check. The raver-tastic Krystal Freeman who plays Lolli shows us her lovely lovelies (that's boobs) and it's mucho fantastico. Top it off with a sex scene with a fat guy and..... ::shivers::
3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?
Check. Clearly there's a final girl in here somewhere. We have Charlie, the greedy raver in charge, Scottyboy the mohawk sex fiend, Wade the hillbilly, Jade the malicious vixen, Lolli the slut, Miko the other slut and a token black DJ.
4.) No Plot?
Check. Kids have a rave in an abandoned warehouse where a Thor envy slasher kills them. What more you want?
5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"
Check. I'll say that they went old school with this one.
6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hammer frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?
Check. Top notch over the top gore in this one. Severed heads via a hedge clipper, sliced heads via machetes, entrails and intestines ripped out and many many many splatter inducing, modified sledge hammer wallops that result in pancake ravers. Ocular trauma, penis trauma, hand trauma, neck trauma...there be a whole shitload of fuckin trauma in this.
7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)
Nope. Nothing. Nada. Nobody really takes charge. Everybody fends for themselves. Bunch of savages in this town.
8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)
There are a few jokes that made me chuckle but overall it's the final rave scene at the end where The Beast goes exterminator on the raver "roaches" that had me laughing.
9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.
Nope.
10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?
Sweatshop isn't the most creative slasher movie but it's the most bloodiest one I've seen in a while. It's got its gimmicks (ravers doing ravy things) and a masked slasher with a weapon that would make Jason Voorhees jealous. The characters are your standard cardboard cutouts of not white teen suburbia but cutouts of what we think ravers dress and act like. I mean they had them drinking and smoking weed...but not doing meth or taking E? WTF?
By the end of the first hour, the body count is quite high and your waiting to see what the hell will happen in the final 30. And I'll admit it doesn't disappoint. It's a crazy gore soaked ending.
I've always said that if you have gratuitous nudity, some semi interesting characters and a formidable killing machine, you've made a decent slasher film in my book.
You may not have expected it, but Sweatshop cuts off a good solid dick.
Gore-ipedia
See checklist item #6
Nude-ipedia
Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous WTF moment
That hammer is seriously pimped out
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Sweatshop is being distributed via Screen Media Films and was released on DVD September 13th. Sarah Jahier of Fatally Yours has a quote on the DVD box (which peaked my interest in watching this) and a Bloody Disgusting and Dread Central gave good reviews.
Sometimes looks can be deceiving and that's never been more evident in Eli Craig's Tucker and Dale vs Evil.
The fun in Tucker and Dale is that it takes the redneck/hillbilly slasher and turns it upside down. What if the hillbillies were just regular Joe Schmoes and the douchebaggy college kids were the dumb schmucks that caused 'da killin.
If you ever saw Wrong Turn, Friday the 13th. Texas Chainsaw and Hills Have Eyes films, you can grasp where this is going. It's been a while since I've seen a horror comedy that knows the genre its making fun of. All the stereotypical elements are dropped in from the music to the scary general store owner to Dale's maniacal laughter. But all are misunderstood elements that twist the hillbilly horror genre into a world of strange coincidences and full of LOLs.
It's a film that definitely holds its own in the Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland horror comedy pantheon of films. Tudyk and Labine are a comedic duo of devilish funnies. I'll say it right now. It may be the best horror comedy this year. It hits all the right banjo notes, is awesomely quick witted and a very clever parody of redneck slashers.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
Tucker and Dale are two best friends on vacation at their dilapidated mountain house, who are mistaken for murderous backwoods hillbillies by a group of obnoxious, preppy college kids. When one of the students gets separated from her friends, the boys try to lend a hand, but as the misunderstanding grows, so does the body count.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
The formula is followed to the tee. Group of douchebag, frat potheads head to West Virginia (I mean seriously where else could this movie take place?) for some camping fun. You got the polo shirt (collars up) dickhead frat boy, his goofy friends, the one hot blonde chick (Katrina Bowden), the slutty girl and get this TWO! token black people (a guy and girl). They are easily spooked by their surroundings as well as our heroes Tucker (Alan Tudyk) and Dale (Tyler Labine).
The misplaced stereotypes hit a mile a minute as our college kids think Dale is a carbon caricature of all that is redneck. But in reality Tucker, the confident thinker with dreams of a vacation home and Dale (a shy but smart bowler) are just regular folk doing regular things and somehow get caught up in a web of stupidity caused by our frightened college dweebs.
And the jokes are pure Three's Company like. From out of context conversations to Tucker yielding a smokin chainsaw, all the comedy revolves around Tucker and Dale's unfortunate events as they vacation and fix their vacation fixed upper. After they rescue Ally (the hottest blonde I have seen this year) after an accidental lake incident, she starts to realize Tucker and Dale are not what they thought they were. She and Dale bond because as you all know the fat guy always scores the hot chick.
But where Tucker and Dale shines are the ridiculous self deaths of our college kids. Impalements via trees, via sticks, via wood chipper and via gunshots are LOL hilarious. All are caused by the kids themselves with Tucker exacerbated tells the inept policeman: "Oh hidy ho officer, we've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house, when kids started killing themselves all over my property."
The movie does tend to drag a bit towards the end. A rescue goes awry and dogs are in danger. Ally goes all therapy session as Dale and Chad (our douchebaggy leader) try to talk things out. But the fiery conclusion is a bit over the top as Tucker and Dale try to rescue Ally from the clutches of Hollinger boy.
Tucker and Dale vs Evil is full of ridiculousness and genre cliches turned inside out. It works because the audience likes our heroes. Tudyk and Labine work well together acting as perfect clones of beer guzzling rednecks. Labine of course known for his work on Reaper and Mad Love (I remember him fondly for Dead Last) gives us the lovable unconfident fat guy he plays so well. Alan Tudyk (Firefly and Dollhouse 4 life!) is the perfect counterbalance to Dale. If your not a fan of The Tudyk, you will be after this flick.
Eli Craig makes this work because he knows what we look for in this sub genre. And by twizzler twisting it all around and making us root for Tucker and Dale, he's giving us a gimmick we haven't seen before. The movie has won a ton of awards via the festival circuit and a sequel is already being hinted at.
Whoever Tucker and Dale take on next is going to be in a world of hurt. Hurting from all the laughter they'll inflict to the audience.
Nude-ipedia
Katrina Bowden in skimpy outfits is hotter than any naked chicks
Gore-ipedia
Self inflicted deaths are o plenty and they are gruesomely hilarious Impalements in various forms Accidental fire combustion WTF moment
The safety is off
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Tucker and Dale vs Evil will be released by Magnet Releasing and will come out on August 26th via VOD and September 30th in theaters.
This a must see for all horror fans. It's that damn good.
The best horror movie of 2007 needs your help for a sequel and from the synopsis it looks pretty interesting. Leslie Vernon wants to do a Part 2 and as you can see in the video below he needs your help to get it done.
By pre-ordering the BluRay/DVD and buying other stuff, YOU THE VIEWER help the film get made and ensure a sequel can be greenlit. BTM: The Return of Leslie Vernon is one of the best slasher mockumentaries in recent years and for them to follow up with a sequel would be insanely awesome. By PRE-ORDERING the movie, you help to get it made.
It's funny because just recently I wrote up this post about filmmakers bribing us for money and now I'm considering actually donating to get this made. Just like Indie GoGo and Kickstarter, there is a donation structure with the most expensive being:
GET KILLED IN THE MOVIE! That's right every horror fans' wet dream come true! Air trans & hotel incl. Seriously low on avail. Limit 1 per person!: $7,500
OWN LESLIE VERNON'S OUTFIT SCYTHE & MASK! The Ultimate B4TM collector's item! VFX will make 3 that Nathan Baesel will wear during filming: $5,000
I never said these sites were a bad thing, though I questioned the ridiculous donation structures to get the fans cash. But now I can see the benefits of such a venture. I may just buy the Blu-ray to help support the film.
There has been lots of talk of supporting indie horror. This is as supportive as you can be.
Head over to the official Facebook site for more info.
Clearly this film takes place in bizarro world. Exit 33 is not a good movie. To say it's a piece of crap is to insult crap. I mean that poster says it all doesn't it? Kane Hodder and his menacing stare armed with a tire iron? This is the best you got for this man?
Sigh.
What could have been a Hodder Hatchet-like performance turns to crap. Exit 33 is the equivalent of Rebecca Black's "Friday" but with dead bodies. Let me use her lyrics to illustrate this:
[Verse 1]
7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my jerky, gotta have it smoked
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the gas stop
Gotta kill some babes, I see my customers
Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which girl can I kill?
[Chorus]
It’s Hodder, Hodder
Gotta get down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin
Hodder, Hodder
Gettin’ down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin
Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the Hodder
[Verse 2]
7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it
Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which girl can I kill?
[Chorus]
It’s Hodder, Hodder
Gotta get down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin
Hodder, Hodder
Gettin’ down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin
Gettin’ down on Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend
Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the Hodder
Yesterday was a blonde girl, Thursday was a black girl
Today i-is brunette, Hodder (killin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is some random dudes
And Sunday comes after...wards (killin a hipster)
I don’t want this weekend to end
I won't include the rap verse. Wasn't that painful? Now you know.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A few miles off Exit 33 lies Ike’s Last Chance Gas, an old, forgotten hideaway where the reclusive Ike pumps gas and practices his taxidermy skills. Though he might come across as a simple soul, Ike has a dark secret: he’s obsessed with women who have enchanting eyes — eyes he wants to keep for himself. Now, as four friends make their way to their 5-year high school reunion, they all make the mistake of taking Exit 33, and they won’t be making it back to the highway any time soon.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
I decided to tweet out my thoughts as I watched and hit up a couple of awesome horror bloggers Fred from Full Moon Reviews, Matt from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, CTK from Planet of Terror and Geof at The Man Cave. Here our a few of their tweets surrounding the most important portions of the flick.
INITIAL THOUGHTS
fredthewolf: It's not a good flk at all. Hodder is the best part about it. I was bored watching it.
Mattsuzaka: It's not, but it's slightly entertaining in its ineptitude. I enjoyed it as a low-level B-Movie, that's about it (and) when I saw it had a 2.8 on IMDB, I had a good idea what I was in for!
realmancave: if you haven't watched Exit 33 yet, you are luckier than me.
THE CUSTOMERS
So Kane has kills because his dead wife tells him to or some such nonsense. However, nobody notices and Ike seems to get a ton of customers. This is summed up nicely by Matt and Fred in a few tweets.
Mattsuzaka: You have to wonder how this dude gets so much business when he certainly isn't getting repeat costumers!
fredthewolf:And no one ever wonders about the abandoned cars that park on the same spot of the road. Sigh...
THE DRIVING SCENES
Speaking of the road, the driving scenes are LOL bad.
fredthewolf: BTW, fave part were the driving scenes. Haven't seen backgrounds that good since Airplane!
planetofterror: that movie is so fucking terrible. Worst green screen scenes ever.
THE HODDER
But the reason we all watch this is for the Hodder. But it seemed like Kane was really giving much effort on this film. Here are mine and Geof's tweets on Kane's performance.
jadedviewer: I'm watching exit 33. Kodder is like giving it 13 percent effort in this flk.
jadedviewer: This Kane Hoddef flk is the "4 the paycheck" equivalent of Tony Todd doing those final destination flks
jadedviewer: Kane is just randomly punching women in the face. This should be a sitcom
jadedviewer:Kane's trademarked menacing stare just made a cameo! Oh wait his face is always like that
realmancave: Kane from WWE would have mailed in a better performance than Kane Hodder.
THE BATHROOM
More killin ensues via ocular trauma, slice and dice (you figure out where he the jerky comes from) and then our final girl shows up. This then gives our first look at the bathroom which has no stall doors, is covered in blood and filth and shit and doesn't have toilet paper!
Mattsuzaka: It reminded me of a time when I had to take a shit at a bar during a metal concert. The stall didn't have a door. That was scarier than Exit 33. Well, except for the crappy gas quality.
fredthewolf: Yeah, she was pretty hot. But I'm not into girls who use shitty toilets without paper on the seat 1st.
Suffice it to say, the only way you can get through a horrible film like this is to RiffTrax/MST3K it with some horror blogging friends. Exit 33 is boring, dull and a waste of the Hodder. If only they auto-tuned it, maybe it would have turned out better.
Nude-ipedia
A sex scene with clothes on is not acceptable under any circumstances for a horror movie
Gore-ipedia
Tom Savini is spinning in his grave (oh wait he's alive)
WTF moment
Kane punches women in the face...randomly
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
The movie is now out on DVD via Breaking Glass Pictures horror arm Vicious Circle Films. If you need to worship the Hodder, watch it. All others don't exit on Exit 33. I gave it 1/2 a spinkick because my review is awesome because of this crappy film.
I usually only post a trailer of an upcoming horror movie if I really like the flick or I think it's inventive, creative or unique. We can watch these trailers anywhere, so there really is no need to post it up on the jaded viewer.
But I did get a press release for an upcoming slasher film called Madison County and I checked out the trailer. So what's this about?
Madison County is about a group of college students that travel to a remote, mountain town called Madison County to interview the author of a tell-all book on the accounts of the grisly murders that happened in the town over two decades ago.
Upon their arrival, the author is no where to be found and the townspeople state that they've "not seen him in years." They also deny that Damien Ewell, the notorious murderer, ever existed and that the murders never happened. As the kids start to dig around to get their own answers, they come to find that the stories, and Damien, maybe more real than the townspeople are letting on.
Now check out the trailer.
Let's break this down like Donkey Kong.
Naked blonde girl running on a dirt road
Redneck Cannibal Town, USA
Dumb urban college students
Private Property? Fuck that!
Deserted house with wind chimes!
Slasher with pig mask and big fuckin ax
Local townie that warns dumb Ambercrombie and Fitch dumb white kids to leave
Quickly edited running around montage
Slasher swing and a miss
Hostages with no hope of surviving
A random oozing of blood
A name to our slasher that sounds really familiar
Face molestation
Title Card!
"Inspired by True Events" declaration
Last "scare" shot
Yeah I just listed many of the cliches and slasher formulas we've seen before.
So why am I talking about a cliched upcoming slasher flick? Because it's a cliched slasher flick. The director of Madison County Eric England recently wrote an interesting article defending his movie and trailer in his blog which you can find here.
He wrote: "I didn't pitch this film as "the most original slasher film ever made" when I tried to get it made. In fact, slasher films themselves have been done to death. But that's exactly why I wanted to make Madison County. I LOVE Slasher films. Love them. And I want to see them live on."
He goes on to say that he loved Adam Green's Hatchet and that most movies are retelling of the same stories over and over again. Well this got me thinking. Can I really bash Madison County's trailer because I think it has those overused slasher cliches when I wrote a review of Hatchet and Hatchet 2 praising the slasher cliches in Adam Green's films?
Ah ha you're saying right now. Would I be a hypocrite for doing such a thing? Am I contradicting myself for asking indie horror filmmakers to make creative and new films but praising films that follow the same old formula? For instance, I liked Laid to Rest for being a cliched sorta new slasher film and Slither for being an homage monster slug movie. If I like those Hollywood is going to keep remaking those flicks. I'm just contributing to the Hollywood machine aren't I?
Regular loyal jaded viewers know I support indie horror and will try to hold judgement on a movie before I see it. But when I watch a trailer that seems generic, I kinda start forming an opinion in my head. After seeing so many horror movies, especially slasher flicks you know what's coming. You know all the tricks, the stereotypical characters, the BOO! shots. The one thing that Hatchet had going for it was the kill scenes were pure blood drenched gore-tastic moments that made your jaw drop....literally.
So I make a call out to Mr. Eric England.
I want to know what's different about Madison County from the other slasher films we've all seen? Explain to me why I should see college kids get sliced and diced in Redneck Country, USA by a slasher in a pig's mask?
Every new slasher is a little different, has a unique backstory and can kill in new and inventive way. I'm hoping Damien has a little creativity in him. Hell he has some farm supplies he can arm himself with. Let me know what's going to separate Madison County apart from the rest. That's all I ask.
As for my fellow jaded viewers, my question is this. Are we all being hypocritical when we praise a slasher flick filled with the same old cliches but demand Hollywood stop making remakes?
By now you've heard about the controversy that surrounded Hatchet 2's theatrical release. It was pulled mid run from theaters from AMC who cited "poor performance" at the box office. But the horror-sphere will argue that releasing an uncut, unrated and uncensored version of the movie in theaters was a huge gamble by Dark Sky Films and AMC and it was pulled because it contained too much exteeminess, gore and splatter.
Arguments aside Hatchet 2 deserved at least a decent theatrical run to prove old school American horror can survive theatrically. When all that floods US theaters are PG-13 3D CGI kills snoozefests, one can only wonder if the 80s inspired slasher films can survive in this climate. Obviously not.
But on the merit of a horror film, Hatchet 2 is a sequel that literally starts off where the last one ended. Everything about Hatchet 2 follows the sequel formula to a tee. It's been said before that Green's Hatchet is to Alien as Green's Hatchet 2 is to Aliens. Hunters abound in the sequel and all hell breaks loose. But we'll get to that in a sec.
Hatchet 2 is an unapologetic splatter slasher flick that says "Fuck You" to the other horror movies of 2010. It's the big bully in the room that taunts you, gives you wedgies, makes you feel sympathetic towards it then punches you in the face and takes your lunch money. Straight out, it's one of the best horror movies of 2010 and will easily make my top 10 list.
Victor Crowley slaughtered his way into a great rookie season in the original. Here he gives more of the same. It's the same formula and somehow it works again. I might as well go with my same review formula to. Boring Plot-O-Matic
Marybeth escapes the clutches of the deformed, swamp-dwelling iconic killer Victor Crowley. After learning the truth about her family's connection to the hatchet-wielding madman...
Awesome Review-O-Matic
If you are any kind of horror fan, you will appreciate Hatchet 2 for what it is. A fun, goofy gorefest slasher film. It doesn't take itself seriously and if you just relax and take it all in, you know Adam Green is winking at you with a few inside jokes. If you missed it, here are a couple.
The film starts off exactly where the first film ended
Adam Green makes a cameo as Ben and Marcus's friend whose still in New Orleans
The character Parker from Adam Green's movie Frozen is seen briefly on the TV in Reverend Zombie's voodoo shop speaking to news cameras about her lawsuit and settlement against the ski mountain from the film.
Troma's Lloyd Kaufman makes a cameo as one of the would be hunters
But let's get to the standard slasher jaded viewer checklist for this review
What makes a good, fun slasher movie? Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.
Does Hatchet 2 achieve everything on this list?
1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?
Check.
2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?
Check. Plus we get a cameo from our former Buffy the Vampire Slayer cast member. You can't go wrong with the best nudity in a horror film. Gratuitous nudity. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?
Partial check. Well it's more like redneck caricatures who are old people who die gruesome and horrific deaths. Old people dying is fun.
4.) No Plot?
Check. It's a check in the fact that sure in Hatchet 2 we get to know a little more about the backstory of our freak show Hatchet face Victor Crowley. Seems like he's a bit Obama-ish which explains why he has the body of Ray Lewis. More Crowley mythology was OK but it wasn't necessary. You tell me he's a ghost/spectre from the swamp, I'm good.
5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"
Check.
6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?
Check. I especially enjoyed the double saw as well as the hatchet in the vagina kill. Parry Shen has now been killed twice and both were solid. Poor Parry. Some face scraping and propeller trauma weren't that original but Green was quite creative on the kills. I give the kills a B+.
7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)
Sorta Check. A few fodder victims never believe the legend and get to meet good ole Vic up close in person. Hot girl Marybeth takes charge and Danielle Harris does a great job in being the final girl. Her Southern drawl accent came and went but I let it go. Her uber hotness and cuteness negates any "bad acting". Parry Shen is hilarious as Justin, twin brother of Shawn from the first movie. I like how he had the faux goatee like he was the evil twin. Tony Todd plays creep Rev. Zombie who knows how to kill Crowley. But his theory is as good as looking it up on Wikipedia.
8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)
Check. A former couple add some random sex before they're eliminated. We get a token black guy making token black guy funnies that come out flat.
9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.
Check. Tony Todd is the only one in Hatchet 2 but when he's battling Victor Crowley I was like: "It's Candyman vs Jason!!!! This is fuckin awesome!!!!"
10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?
Actually...well.....ummm....no?
If you haven't seen the original, seeing these movies back to back makes the Hatchet series a solid entry to the American slasher genre. It's not as good as the first one as the characters in Hatchet 2 were more of the locals rather that the funny, goofy tourists. But the on screen kills were all top notch and quite creative.
And at the end of the day, your going to watch Hatchet 2 to see those gallons of blood tossed on a tree. I mean it's such an old school effect but somehow I don't mind. I don't need to see CGI kills to be a happy horror boy. All I need are dumb victims, a secluded area and a body being twisted in a way that's not humanly possible.
It's that same formula that worked in the 80s, worked in the 90s and worked the aughts. And it works. Hatchet 2 is old school American horror. Got that motherfucker?
Gore-ipedia
See checklist item #6
Nude-ipedia
Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous
WTF moment
Double saw kill...fuckin awesome
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Hatchet 2 is already on Video on Demand and will come out on BluRay/DVD on February 1st. Many in the horror blogosphere have made it their mission to support Adam Green and unrated horror. As a horror fan, you should be for this when it comes to horror movies that deserve it.
Hatchet 2 is violent, sick and twisted. It's a gorehound's delight and a top notch slasher flick. It deserves your support and will show up on my Top 10 list for sure.
Well we here at the jaded viewer got a world exclusive! I got to interview Mr. Jason Voorhees of Crystal Lake. In the brief transcript of the interview below, you'll get insight into the man, the icon and the legend of Jason. Here he lets loose on a variety of topics ranging from his favorite kill to his secret crushes of his favorite final girls.
It's got some juicy gossips for you TMZ-ish horror fans. Check out the interview below!
The Jaded Viewer: Thanks Mr. Voorhees for taking some time out of your busy schedule to talk to us. We only saw you a year ago and you looked a little sluggish with your latest performance. Some critics hammered you on your diminishing killing abilities. What do you have to say to these naysayers?
Jason Voorhees:
TJV: Interesting. You do have a point there. I never thought about that. So fans of your work want to know what your best kill was. Got any favorites?
JV: [heavy breathing]
TJV: Wow, fascinating. That wasn't on many top 10 lists that I know of. OK let's switch gears and talk about who was your greatest foe. Which final girl gave you the most trouble?
JV:
TJV: Now that's a shocker! Did the other counselors know about you two?
JV:
TJV: Yeah I totally agree. Most girls have a difficult time getting over the "killing thing". You'd think that be part of the package. So are you two still friends?
JV:
TJV: Ummm with the machete huh? Breakups can be bad. We know all about your mom. It's been well documented. But I wanna know about your dad. Can you tell our viewers who your dad was and what was he like?
JV: [deep heavy breathing]
TJV: That's unbelievable. Do you think that contributed to who you are today?
JV:
TJV: Wow. I mean that's something nobody knows about you at all. I'm sure people now know who the real Jason Voorhees is because of that little fact. Anything else you want our viewers to know?
JV:
TJV: Will do Mr. Voorhees. Thanks again for taking the time to talk to us today. Good luck in your future killings and I hope you continued success.
JV:
***********************************************
What do you think about these shocking revelations by Jason Voorhees? Does it change your perception of the iconic slasher? Do you think he'll survive this public ordeal? How will his fellow slashers react to this news? Chime in and let your voice be known!
I've been thinking about this for a while but I've never actually seen anybody debate this on a blog. Well, I figure I'd get some opinions. We all love our slashers with all their different personalities but there are 2 distinct characteristics you can group em into.
Silent and deadly or chatty and jokey.
Which do you prefer?
Insano Steve prefers mute slashers. I too prefer the silent types. But that's not too say I don't love some sadistic one liner by one Freddy Kreuger. It says a lot about you if you say you like the mute slasher compared to the chatty one.
So who's in these 2 groups? Let's start off with the mute killers.
Notable Mute Slashers
Jason Voorhees
Michael Myers
Leatherface
Ghostface (well until the end anyway)
Victor Crowley
Notable Chatty Slashers
Freddy Kreuger
Pinhead
Chucky
Candyman
OK enough of my yapping. I'll be quiet now. Pick a side and explain why you went in that direction.
According to IMDB Trivia, Spring Break Massacre was filmed in only 6 days and with one camera.
Welcome to the world of low budget horror.
With the Hollywood reboot of Piranha 3D, not only has Hollywood tried to reboot grindhouse films, but they're even trying to bring back those 80s campy horror films. You know the ones...gratuitous nudity, ridiculous dialogue and tons of carnage and blood.
So it wasn't long that we'd see more 80s horror rebooted. With Spring Break Massacre, director Michael Hoffman reboots the slumber party/spring break genre , indie horror style. You have to give him credit, for a movie shot in 6 days, one camera, limited funds and a multi cast and crew, the movie came out looking pretty solid.
But it's still plagued by a hiccupy screenplay, flashbacks upon flashbacks and cameos that seem gratuitous as the nudity.
But aside from that, Spring Break Massacre loads up on everything you want from a movie that's called Spring Break Massacre. There's spring break, there is a massacre and their are tons of awesome top only nudity that puts a smile in every alpha male's face. Throw in some generic kills and you got a indie throwback that should make every horror fan sigh after paying $16 for some 3D flick. Boring Plot-O-Matic
A sleepover party during spring-break turns deadly for six beautiful sorority co-eds. Stanley Peterson, convicted serial killer, has escaped from maximum security prison. It's up to the college cuties to unravel the mystery of their assailant before the night is over.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
If your reading this review, all you wanna know is the following:
How much nudity is in the film?
Are there any good scenes of splatter and gore?
Does this movie have a crazy slasher or twist ending that makes you go WTF?
The quick answers are yes, yeah and yes on both. C'mon now don't stop reading just yet. Don't you want to know a little more?
First let me say the "spring break" in Spring Break Massacre is a little misleading. Sure it takes place during spring break but if you're thinking the beer and wet t-shirt contests from Piranha 3D, these aren't the boobies you're looking for. Instead we go from lakeside spring break montages in a small Illinois town to a horror slumber party genre flick in a few short scenes.
CAMEO-PALOOZA!
So when we're not hanging out with our oversexed, drugged up white coeds, we meet the local sheriff (Reggie Bannister from Phantasm) and his deputy Hendricks (Linnea Quigley). Part of every spring break/slumber party movie is to chill with the police and show how inept they are and we get that feeling from the cameos from our stars. My gripe here is we spend too much time with our local law enforcement. It's good to have the horror star power of the past, but short cameos work best.
I LOVE ME SOME BOOBIES
See? I knew you'd keep reading if I wrote that. Let's be real. Sometimes indie horror movies will not get the best looking actors and actresses. But Spring Break Massacre really felt like a real throwback. The guys look like jock-o-douchebags and the girls, wowsers. Holy fuckin hawtness. These girls were actually hot (aside from a pimple faced Asian and a chubby chubster). And they get totally nude (OK boobies nude but they are all real and spectacular)
You rarely see this in low low low budget horror (I'm thinking this isn't as low budget as I think it is). The standout is our lead Heather (Sarah Minnic) who is gives a Jaime Pressly like performance of hot blonde meets funny facial expressions. The other girls all follow your usual sorority stereotypes as we have: "the smoker", "the lesbian", "the hot brunette", "the other hot blonde" and "the virgin".
Before we can get to our kills, we get our campy camp humor. This is illustrated in a scene where the guys fantasize what the girls are doing at their girls only slumber party. These lead to dream sequences that were LOL. But we just don't get a few sporadic random boobage. Other scenes of aborted skinny dipping and a lesbian shower scene are added in. If there is one thing Spring Break Massacre did well, it was making sure gratuitous nudity was used gratuitously. IS THAT A KNI-.....OWWWWWWWWWWWWW
So a lot of red herring killers are touted in front of us. Who is the mysterious killer? Is it the wrongly accused escaped convict? A "To Catch a Predator" creepy neighbor? Or is it one of our spring break bunch? Hoffman throws in many probables to get us confused. This is repeated as we see our creepy neighbor (Bob Farster) show up to scare the girls and act all perverty.
Most of what we see is after carnage kills. Bodies littering the house and a few quick cuts to death. It's not until the end does it go all splater-palooza. Some of the kills are basic, nothing I'm writing Fangoria about.
I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON
A few of the weirdness from Spring Break Massacre comes in the use of grainy black and white flashbacks that are intertwined in the film. As the twist is revealed and motive is explained we even get full flashbacks of scenes we've already seen!
The biggest problem is the bulk of the movie is told in a flashback. We see one of our characters in the aftermath of the massacre pretty much showing that she survives. I hated this. Why do this? It takes out the fun of "who will survive" aspect of a horror film. Saw did this and that's why I disliked the first flick.
When our killer is finally revealed it doesn't make sense. I can "get it" that it's not suppose to make sense because all those spring break/slumber party/sorority house/summer camp horror movie killers never made sense and always had odd motives for why they killed. We get a full explanation of why the slasher kills in SBM. I just didn't like it.
Spring Break Massacre is a throwback to the glory days of 80s camp horror. Most of us today don't appreciate this genre if we're not wearing funny glasses. But I appreciate this subgenre of horror and I know Michael Hoffman does to. In every scene, you know Hoffman is parodying the Roger Corman labeled spring break movies but also making one for today.
The formula for these movies is pretty simple. Tits, slaughtered teens, a crazy slasher and then more tits. Spring Break Massacre is exactly that, nothing more and nothing less. And at least it didn't cost me $16 fuckin dollars.
Gore-ipedia
Gunshot wounds Knife trauma Head bashing After carnage bodies Nude-ipedia
Lots and lots and lots.
WTF moment
The final line in the movie.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
I appreciated this indie effort to reboot this genre. If you want to see what Michael Hoffman can do with actually funds, you can support him by "liking" the Facebook page. It seems they are about to get started on the reimagining/sequel to this film.
Kudos to Hoffman and his team. I'm looking forward to see what a bigger budget will bring.
Want to see what the fuss (and boobies) are all about?
Also check out the official site. Also you can buy the DVD at Amazon.com, Best Buy or Blockbuster. It's also on Netflix. Support indie horror dammit!
Lots of new Shortround posts this week. Here's another one where you can actually watch for yourself. From Mark Blitch comes The Code, a horror comedy short that part Buffy part Shaun of the Dead.
