School Yard Nostalgia Month: Poltergeist scared the hell out of 8 year old me!

Over at Big Daddy Horror Reviews it's School Yard Nostalgia Month. BDHR is asking the question: What's your first horror film experience?

I decided to participate and had to think waaaaay back on what it was. Obviously, as you can see from the picture above it was Poltergeist.

Go inside the jaded viewer's memory banks and read up on how Poltergeist affected 8 year old me over at Big Daddy Horror Reviews.

Choose Your Own Horror-venture: The Detention Dungeon CONTINUES...

Thanks to the following awesome bloggers who've already participated in keeping this first ever Choose Your Own Horror-venture going. So far, all 3 choices have been continued by:

• Ryne @ The Moon is a Dead World who continued the story in the GYM.
• Simon @ Four of Them who continued the story in the CAFETERIA.
• Geof @ Enter The Man Cave who continued in the BIOLOGY LAB.

Now here is where the rest of you come in. Read the opening story by heading to my original post located here: The Detention Dungeon!

Pick where you want to continue the story. Once you've made your choice, there should now be 2 or 3 more choices to choose from. Pick the one you want to write about and continue the story! It's that simple. A caveman could do it. [insert ticked off GEICO caveman here]

If you want to write up multiple continuations, feel free to do so. If you want to continue on the original choices I gave, you can do that to but the best case scenario is to contribute your story from one of the blogs above. We can keep this going all over the blogosphere.

If you don't have a blog and want to use your Facebook Notes page, I think we can allow that as well. Hell, if you want to put your story up on a message board or a Tumblr page, go for it! Let's get this viral out into the interwebs and take it as far as it can go.

I want to see what the horror and movie blogosphere can come up with.

Thanks to Brandon @ Big Daddy Horror Reviews to help get the word out on this experiment.

Now get choosy!

Hey Horror Blogosphere: Choose Your Own Horror-venture!

Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books? Weren't they awesome? It was like a video game but in book form. You'd read a few pages and then you'd have to make a decision on what to do next. Depending on your choice, you'd either succeed or you'd pretty much die horribly. The trick was you'd have to pick the choice that seemed more harder or dedicated in order to progress. I usually did the opposite. I'd pick the choice that seem to get me to the goal quicker which of course was totally freakin wrong.

I'm fond of these books and I wanted to see if we could do our own choose your own adventure book. But in this case, it's choose your own horror-venture.

I'll write a passage and will give you 3 different choices/endings and you write the ending of your choosing (pun intended!). The 3 choices or endings are in the same vain of the choices you'd get in the book. You could write a happily ever after choice/ending, another could be an open ended ending or it could be a completely miserable surefire death ending. It's up to you.

Hell if you wanted to write up your choice and continue to write a passage with a few more choices you could do that too. I just want to see what we all come up with. It's like a game of TELEPHONE sorta. It would be interesting to see what would develop from the story I wrote below.

Be sure to send me the link to your post with your choice/ending. It can be a paragraph or a few, it's up to you. Let's see what the horror blogosphere can come up with. If you don't have a blog and want to participate, leave your choice/ending in the comments.

I'm not sure if this will work but hell I think all of you are damn creative. And it should be fun.

The Detention Dungeon

You and your friend Terry are in detention. Seems Mr. Smith didn't appreciate your comment about gerbils in a blender and now your stuck in detention. You've been passing the time pretending to study your textbook "Animal Extinctions of the Last 20 Years" but in reality you are tweeting to one of your 106 followers.

Terry asks "how long do you think we'll be here for?"
"I don't you know" you respond, feeling angsty after drinking your 2nd Red Bull.

Mr. Smith puts down his newspaper and gets up. He's got a pulsating forehead and his mustache seems more twitchy. You're a little scared because this time he seems more serious. He usually talks big but he's a big softy inside.

"Gerbils huh?" Mr. Smith starts. "If you really think that's funny, maybe something more than detention is needed for the both of you."

"Detention is fine," says Terry. Terry has told you on numerous occasions that she doesn't like Mr. Smith, who recently gave her a "D" on her paper. You feel this is a waste of time and your gerbil comment (which garnered lots of chuckles from the class) was freakin awesome.

"No, I don't think detention will do. I am going to have to have Mr. Lasher talk to you. I think he's the only one who can discipline the both of you" yammered Mr. Smith. You watch him collect his newspaper and pick up his bag and open the door. He sticks his head through the door one last time.

"You both stay here you hear until Mr. Lasher arrives."

You and Terry look at each other at the same time. Oh Mr. Lasher. You've never actually seen Mr. Lasher. The rumor was the really bad kids got a "serious talk" from him and we're never the same again. Some kids who "talked" to him usually became robotic and kept to themselves after talking to this unseen teacher. They also started muttering things under their breath and talking to people who weren't there. It was all weird. One kid even developed a speech impediment after talking to Mr. Lasher.

One thing's for sure, you didn't want to talk to him.

"C'mon, Terry I don't have a good feeling about this. I don't want to talk to Mr. Lasher" you say.
"You spooked by the urban legend? Terry asks in a sarcastic way.
"No" you respond, "but the kids who have talked to him are not right. Let's get outta here right now." you demand.

You quickly grab your backpack and your phone and crouch down as you open the door. Terry gives a sigh shrug and follows you out. You quickly dash to the exit but it's padlocked. You need to find another way out.

You start to hear footsteps and they're getting closer. It could be your heart pounding but Terry confirms your suspicions. Which way to go. You need to find an exit before the infamous Mr. Lasher arrives.

If you decide to go to the gym, turn the page to this blog: The Moon is a Dead World

If you decide to go to the cafeteria, turn the page this blog: Four of Them

If you decide to go to the biology lab, turn the page this blog: Enter The Man-Cave

**********************************

OK it up to you. Pick your choice: the gym, the cafeteria or the biology lab and write up what happens. You can keep the story going or you can write an ending. I get the feeling we're not going to see a lot of happy endings.

Once you're done, send me the link and I'll insert your link to the choice you picked. All I asked is when you do, please link back to my site (http://jadedviewer.blogspot.com) or to this post. It'd be fun to get a lot of the horror blogosphere involved. So if you can retweet and post links to get people to try this little experiment, the more the better.

Happy Choosing!

Charts and Graphs make funnies

Magically deliciously tasty as you can see from the chart above. GraphJam.com, part of the Cheezburger network is hilarious. They are the community responsible for FAIL blog and Failbooking. Their user generated graphs are pretty LOL and perusing the non horror ones, you get into that Powerpoint sense of humor.

So I've compiled the best horror graphs and charts from GraphJam.com below. Enjoy!

see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs

10 things that would lead to a jaded viewer apocalypse

If you carefully read my reviews or features or whatever, I've come up with an inside joke or a running gag about the site. If somehow I ever got a quote from one of my REVIEWS on a DVD cover, I would immediately end the site.

So far this has not happened as of yet. The probability of this happening I think is around 30%. Not too good because A.) most of my reviews have profanity and B.) I really doubt I have any good quotes a company or filmmaker could use.

I'd like to point out I've come close. My quote appears on the DVD cover of Incest Death Squad. But the loophole here is that the quote is from my review of THE TRAILER and not the review. I also had a quote of mine in the trailer for Dead Hooker in a Trunk. Alas, this is in a trailer so that doesn't count either.

I'm thinking if a filmmaker or marketing company paid attention or *gasp* likes my site, they wouldn't want it to end and would thus never put a quote of mine on a DVD cover, but c'mon now, that's just silly. They don't even know about the gag....hmm until now. Well that's sorta contradictory of me right? I want to see my name and site quoted but I don't want to end the site. That's why this works on both levels...hehehe.

So which is why I'm adding more to the list of things that would lead to the site going atomic. If any of this happens, the jaded viewer would go bye bye.

If you're worried, trust me these things are not likely but could happen (yeah a few of em are preposterous, but whatever, it's funny no?)

10.) An actual apocalypse (aka the end of the world)
9.) Marriage (however if the wife to be was pro jaded viewer...it would keep the site alive!)
8.) A horror movie wins best picture at the Academy Awards
7.) I get a kiss from Sarah Michelle Gellar
6.) Both my arms get severed
5.) I win the lottery
4.) I reach 5,000 followers on Twitter
3.) I get to be a zombie in a Romero film
2.) I do a shot with Jean Claude Van Damme
1.) My quote appears on a DVD cover of a horror movie

Well now all of you are in on the joke. It's fun to share the gag. Now, only time will tell if any of these things ever happen. Until they do, the jaded viewer keeps on truckin.

Random List of things you DON'T see in horror movies

• A fat, black final girl
• An Asian kid kung fu-ing a slasher
• A slasher running on screen chasing teenagers
• A fully functioning GPS on a road trip
• A fully charged cell phone
• A slasher married with 2 kids and a dog
• Full on penetration
• A kid that doesn't whisper in Satanic verses
• A bunch of teens who listen to "the crazy old man telling them about the killer" and then hightail out of the woods and to a McDonald's
• A McDonald's
  
• A slasher who chases a victim around a studio apartment
• A hot, slutty vixen staying fully clothed
• A final guy who is gay
• A car with a full tank of gas
• Inbred rednecks that are misunderstood
• Monsters who do minimal damage when they visit a highly populated city
• Google as a search engine when they do research
• A fat kid outrunning a slasher
• Ghosts who realize they are actually ghosts
• An amateur camera guy who can keep the camera steady
• The public trusting the government during a crisis
• Guidos
  
• A mutant ostrich with a taste for human flesh
• Zombies who crave only Canadian human flesh
• A shower that doesn't fog the shit out of the bathroom
• Somebody Wikipedia-ing something
• Vampires who look like hipsters
• A massacre at a baseball game
• Small towns with hidden secrets
• Were-bunnies
• Blood thirst demons that look like Casper
• Asians
  
• People from Madagascar
• Mad scientists who are looking for a cure for AIDS
• A likable jock douchebag
• Non gratuitous nudity
• A post apocalyptic world where future people dress normally
• A Jewish, blonde slutbomb
• "We shouldn't split up"
• Prescription drug use
• A movie that's not a remake

OK some of these you could call me out on so go ahead and let me know in the comments. Want to add your own? Go ahead. I just wrote what popped in my head. Let me know what else I missed. Comment away!

It's Chiller Theatre 2010! That means we salute Sci-Fi Ninja Theater!

The Chiller Theatre Expo is taking place this weekend April 16th to 18th in Parsippany, New Jersey. I think I went to my first Chiller in the late 90s or maybe in 2000. I forget. Good times all around. However, having went 2 years ago, I may not go this year. I documented that I thought the horror conventions of late were gasping for air. I've had no motivation to go of late though I must admit the guests seem interesting.

I mean where would I get to meet and talk to.....

• Ruggero Deodato!
• Alice Cooper!
• It's Blossom! Mayim Bialik!
• Jeffrey Combs!
• Brutas "The Barber" Beefcake!

and

• Kristanna Loken!

OMG. Tom Savini is not going to be there this year. It must be a sign of the apocalypse. In any case, almost guaranteed to be there is Vincent Vlado aka Sci-Fi Ninja Theater guy. I met this guy and he interviewed me though I never got to see the footage. If you're not familiar with Sci-Fi Ninja Theater, it's a TV show that's broadcast on public access here in NYC.

Check out all his videos on YouTube. They're all a hoot, sometimes a little awkward but always filled with costumed freaks, cosplay hotties and long long long footage of models (big breasted and the ones of memorabilia). I can honestly say, kudos for interviewing such well rounded "actresses".

Though Sci-Fi Ninja Theater has interviewed some horror icons including George A. Romero and Scream queen herself Tiffany Shepis.



The intro to the show is a mish mash of anime and Asian movies. Truly bizarre and oddly hyptonizing. Our host for the show is "Shadow Ninja" and I always get a kick out hearing a man in a ski mask with no eye holes tell me he needs help with reviews and to e-mail him.

Good ninja stars times.

So we here at the jaded viewer salute Sci-Fi Ninja Theater. You get an honorary Ninja Star of Death for all the great footage of Chiller Theater and the other conventions you've covered. Thank you Sci-Fi Ninja Theater and we hope you continue to cover these conventions for years to come.

Leftover Thoughts: Jaded Viewer Edition

Before I started the jaded viewer, I had a personal blog filled with my leftover thoughts. The blog was aptly titled leftoverthoughts. It was pure continuum of thought, just randomness, blurbs and mumbo jumbo. I figured I'd share the more movie and horror themed thoughts I posted on this now defunct site. Enjoy!

• You know, its actually hard to speak like you're in the Buffyverse...I know this for a fact because I tend to skew my nouns into adjectives and verbs (and when you do this, you tend to create nouns that shouldn't be verbilized (see?))

• Thank you Wikipedia for having an article on "The Chroniton" and having a "Back to the Future" timeline

• When I was in college, I worked for a adult video store and sorta had the "8mm" type job. On a weird night where business was slow, 2 hot looking lesbians started to flirt with me and started to make out gratuitously right in front of my eyes, they started taking off their tight knit shirts...(or that could have been one of the many pornos I watched with my free rental employee perk)
  

• One day I'm going to pretend I'm a vampire and go to sleep during the day and stay awake all night, I'll even pretend to imagine sunlight hurts me and I'm allergic to garlic and silver...and on that day, I will get hit by a speeding drunk driver who thinks he's a vampire slayer
  
  
• Superman totally outsmarted General Zod in Superman 2. Fuck you Superman.
  
  
• The one thing about living in New York is that you get to see the most disfigured people in the world. Not just people who have multiple eyes or have no ears but people who suffer from a disfiguring disease like that bumps disease. I recently passed a woman on the street where her entire right side of her face just drooped. It was like 2 feet of droopiness. Even the homeless couldn't stop looking at her.
  
  
• Does anybody have a copy of the episode of Different Strokes when either the following happened?
  
  A.) Arnold gets molested/kidnapped
  B.) Kimberly gets molested/kidnapped
  C.) Sam gets molested/kidnapped
  D.) Willis smokes up joint
  E.) Arnold, Dudley, Kimberly, Willis and Sam get kidnapped, molested and smoke up a joint
  
  
• When is the appropriate time to just go on a killing spree?
  
  
• Remember when you discovered the Internet?
  The first time I used the Internet was to accomplish these 3 things.
  
  1.) Find Information
  Yup. Find information. What kind of info you ask? Who the fuck cares? I wanted to find out about anything. Cannibal movies, old 80's television shows, celebrity corpses, who invented toothpaste? Is my final exam tomorrow?
  
  2.) Porn
  "What the fuck is the Internet?" Of course. To share pornography with one another.
  Are you telling me I can see Jenny McCarthy naked...........for free? Yup. At one point in college I saw somebody put up crippled midget porn as wallpaper. No shame at all.
  
  3.) Mp3's
  Music, for free? God bless the Internet!! Thanks pre lawsuit Napster!
  
  
• Porn is really repetitive.

That is all for now. Now that I think of it, leftover thoughts have evolved into leftover tweets. So if you want to hear more random leftover thoughts, follow me on Twitter @jadedviewer!

The Horror Continuum (Random Edition)

Ahh its' Ivy in a lab coat! My current TV crush is Liza Lapira who plays Ivy on the Fox show Dollhouse. I've been obsessed with her and a bunch of the hotties on that show of late.

But I digress. I haven't done a Horror Continuum in a while and I've been getting a lot of stuff in my inbox looking for some free PR. Well might as well get this over with.

As seen on the Interweb....Bloody Disgusting is putting together a horror blogger contest..submit your nominations! (Bloody Disgusting)

Seems Uruguay just saw Rec and decided to make their own version.. check out La Casa Muda teaser trailer (Basement Screams)

Severin Films is releasing The Alcove on DVD. Flesh-fest...Yay. (Severin Films)

I brought to your attention this horror web series a few months ago called The Scare Game, Episode 2 and 3 and 4 are now available on YouTube. (YouTube)

Got a PR release for a weird, crazy book called Ass Goblins of Auschwitz. After reading the plot summary, I'm actually intrigued. (Press Release)

Another web series, this one about cops. It's called Central Division. I watched the first few episodes and it's not too bad. (Press Release)

Check out Planet of Terror's Interview with Alex Horwitz, director of Alice Jacobs is Dead (a short I reviewed and introduced to the horror blogosphere)

Beautiful, In-human ladies bare all! (UGO)

Theaters where the After Dark Horrorfest movies will play (After Dark)

Just wanted to get that all out of the way. Ahh nice clean inbox now.