Stake Land (Review)

Stake Land



Stake Land (2011)



Directed by Jim Mickle



When I saw the trailer for Jim Mickle's Stake Land, I have to say I got excited. Mickle's Mulberry Street to me is one of the best films to come out of the lame-o After Dark Horrorfests. So after tackling zombies, the next logical step has to be vampires right?



Stake Land draws a world of post apocalyptic America filled with non sparkly vampires and religious extremism taken to it's most extreme. Comparisons to The Road meets the Walking Dead meets Red State have to be made. And these are all good things in an above average flick. Characters come first in Stake Land, with eerie scenes of a wrinkled and abandoned America coming in second and finally fight scenes coming in at bronze.



There are no 3D gimmicks or star power to drive Stake Land. That's the beauty of a straight forward genre piece by Mickle. You're here to enjoy the road trip of these rag tag strangers who are looking for the mystical New Eden. Like in all road trips, you're going to get bored a few times along the way and Stake Land does suffer from stretches of boring nothingness. Not even a hint of dialogue to get more character development.



But clearly you have to take the good with the bad. Stake Land is a safe bet, a sunny day in a world of the bloody thirsty.



Boring Plot-O-Matic



Martin was a normal teenage boy before the country collapsed in an empty pit of economic and political disaster. A vampire epidemic has swept across what is left of the nation's abandoned towns and cities, and it's up to Mister, a death dealing, rogue vampire hunter, to get Martin safely north to Canada, the continent's New Eden.



Awesome Review-O-Matic



No extensive review here. I'm sure you can browse through the IMDB external reviews to get what you need about plot and such. I'm going to just give you a few thoughts on the film via list form because well I can't come up with coherent sentences.

• Mister (Nick Damici) is one badass vampire motherfuckin hunter. A tough guy's tough guy. No jokey slayer. Nuff said.
• Martin is Daniel-son, padwan and youngling. I like how the opening credits are a freakin training montage.
• Their one man wolfpack includes: a nun, the lovely pregnant Danielle Harris and a Marine brotha
• I loved the backdrops of burnt out cars, houses and vampires hanging on ropes. Just great post apocalyptic scenery bordering on a Hollywood set design. This might not be to far off from the real America.
• Jebedia and the Brotherhood seems like a extreme satire on all that is Republican religious right wing nutzoids. I know these people actually exist but in Stake Land they come out as a crazy cult bent on survival. It seem to unbelievable to me but I'll give it a pass
• The American government and military seem so half ass in a vampire apocalyptic world. I would hope they wouldn't fold this easy.
• The father-son relationship between Mister and Martin is solid, pretty much the driving force of the flick.
• The action scenes are straightforward. Gunshots, slicing and dicing, stake through the hearts, yada yada yada.
  
  
• Who dies first...the nun or the brotha?
• The final battle is sad and sadder and saddest
  
  
• The ending is clearly a nod to all zombie flick endings

Stake Land is indie horror with a precision pulse on the genre. A lot of indie films try to emulate a post apocalyptic world be it zombies or vampires but Stake Land is one of the few that does it right. It's a little slow at times, yes even boring at points, the characters aren't totally flushed out, a few hiccups with the plot and story but all are minor grievances in an otherwise fresh take on the vampire run amok genre.



I can only guess where Mickle will go next. Maybe werewolves? How about a regular slasher flick? Maybe even a killer shark. I can see Mickle headed towards some big budget remake and I'm praying that doesn't happen.



That would be a stake right through my fuckin heart.



Nude-ipedia



Nada



Gore-ipedia



Your standard stuff



WTF moment



Danielle Harris.....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis



The movie is now out on DVD via IFC Films. I'm sure you can Netflix it or whatever. It's a good solid 140 min and has a few themes running through it for the more intellectual horror fan. You'll definitely leave feeling like you've seen a solid horror flick.



The Vitals

• The official site

Rating:





Trailer

Monsters (Review)

Monsters

Monsters (2010)

Directed by Gareth Edwards

"It's different looking at America from the outside in"

-Kaulder

It wasn't Gareth Edwards intention to make a film allegory about the US immigration policy with Mexico. But that's what comes out of Monsters, a sci fi Lost in Translation meets District 9 sorta film.

It's also an excellent display of indie and guerrilla style filmmaking by Edwards, his crew and actors Scoot McNairy and the beautiful Whitney Able. It's easy to Blomkamp this flick with comparisons to District 9. It's got a restricted zone, a military policy towards the alien "invaders" and a look into the world of the quarantine zone. But the film does two things District 9 doesn't. It subtly establishes a pseudo budding relationship between our intrepid photographer and a daughter of a media mogul and it blends in "monsters" into commonplace lore. And it does both effectively.

Sure seeing the monsters in small increments makes it a little irritating, the acting is completely improvised which leads to odd exchanges and the suspense is a bit cliched but it clearly has the heart of a indie film that does the more than most blockbuster Hollywood flicks do with 1000x more budget.

At the end, you feel like you walked away from a seeing an allegory thinly disguised as a sci-fi drama and the aliens seem to have more in common with us than you think.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Six years ago NASA discovered the possibility of alien life within our solar system. A probe was launched to collect samples, but crashed upon re-entry over Central America. Soon after, new life form began to appear and half of Mexico was quarantined as an INFECTED ZONE. Today, the American and Mexican military still struggle to contain "the creatures"...... Our story begins when a US journalist agrees to escort a shaken tourist through the infected zone in Mexico to the safety of the US border.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

What you notice right off the bat is how seemlessly Edwards integrates the sci fi in Monsters. He is of course an FX wizard first before a full fledge director. We see night vision battles, smoldering ruins, fighter planes in the sky and newscast shots of the skyscraper tall tentacled aliens battling the Mexican and US military. All the signs of a "restricted zone" or "gas mask prices" have been digitally created within shots filmed in real life locations. It's a sight to behold and it's all done quite creatively.

You clearly get transported into a North America that looks gritty real, in a mid post apocalyptic world. Kaulder, a photographer on the hunt for his big payday ends up in Mexico where he's told by his boss he has to escort Sam, the daughter of the company's CEO back to America. Their relationship grows throughout the film.

Soon there trekking to the coast in a bid to get on a ferry to America. The film spends alot of time having Kaulder and Sam talk about their lives. Both have different motivations to go home, Kaulder for his son and Sam to her fiance. But these motivations are deceptive in the big picture of just getting back the the good ole USA alive.

We get a montage of fun and later the easy route leads to a harder one as the duo have to trek back to America by land instead. It's filled with a boat ride with some solid extraterrestrial WTF scenes of suspense. A fighter jet disappears via mysterious tentacles and a group of guide soldiers gets slaughtered.

As we approach the end, Sam and Kaulder are clearly attracted to each other in that "we survived multiple alien attacks" romanticism that comes from well you know surviving such an ordeal. The ending is a little wild and bit of a "Huh?" but it is what is.

Scoot McNairy and the hot Whitney Able both give great performances in a movie that they were only given an outline of what they needed to do. If all the dialogue was improvised, it's a credit to them with coming up with conversation that seems plausible and funny. Able is a presence on screen, a mesmerizing beauty though cliched damsel in distress. McNairy plays tough, lovable fun guy. An alpha male with a heart.

But the monsters should be as important as these characters and through glimpses via news footage, some shots in some climactic scenes and one at the end, they are only their as background. As the titular name of the film, they should have had some focus, possibly their plight of being targeted by both governments (like they did in District 9). This is where I had a few gripes. The aliens seem to have no agenda, no motivation and no adequate screen time which leads to a lacking trifecta.

If your going to make a alien flick, you need to get some meat on the bones of the aliens. They shouldn't be treated like a establishing shot of a sunset. It's only at the end do we see the aliens have relationships as well, a budding family per say and there main motivation it seems is the resources America has. Somehow, it's an appropriate parallel to real life events.

Monsters is made on the attention spans of the YouTube crowd. Doing more with less is a testament to everybody involved in the movie. Edwards does a fantastic job of getting the most out of his special effects laden flick but missed a chance to shed some light into an important subject in current events. The plight of the monsters is as important as the plight of our leads.

America's population will constantly be a changing demographic and so will our alien flicks change as well. Monsters is a step into a new frontier of indie sci-fi, one where we have to adapt our expectations on what it can be, not what it should be.

Gore-ipedia

A few scattered bodies, nothing a tween couldn't handle.

Nude-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment

The tentacle tango between the aliens at the end

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Monsters is out on DVD now via Magnet Releasing. If you're in the mood for a more arthouse Cloverfield flick with a touch of Lost in Translation and some District 9 danger, Monsters is the clear cut choice for you.

The Vitals

• Official Site
  
• Facebook Page

Rating:
1/2

Check out the trailer below.

What is the worst apocalypse for humanity? (The Results)

A few months back I posted my Top 10 Worst Apocalypses. My #1 choice of the most horrible apocalypse to inflict humanity was a zombie armageddon. It looks like you all agreed as out of 199 votes, a zombie apocalypse won convincingly with 25% of the vote. Coming in second was Virus (16%) and Nuclear at (14%).

From the looks of it nobody is scared of vampires (cuz they twinkle?) and robots. I was sure robots would be a little higher as I got them at #4 on my list. And nobody is really scared of alien slavemasters either.

I got some interesting comments as well you can check out here. If we run out of oil, you'll be begging for some zombies instead.

Thanks to everybody who voted. New poll will be coming soon!

The 10 Worst Apocalypses

With the Walking Dead just kicking ass on AMC, I was originally going to post a list of things that logically would kinda suck during a zombie apocalypse. One of the main things would be all the freakin flies and maggots that would infest the dead. Shouldn't we see flies buzzing around each zombie? Also, a few weeks into decomposition, its maggot city right?

But I digress.

It's no shock that a zombie apocalypse to me is the king of apocalypses. I mean the dead walking around is pretty much fucked up as you can get. Limited human survivors and a constantly growing army looking to eat your brains guarantees an end to the world. But what other types of apocalypses would suck?

Here is my list. I hope you include your own in the comments. I'm also putting up a poll in the right nav bar so you can vote on which you think is the WORST OF THE APOCALYPSES.

Now head to your fallout shelter ASAP!

10.) Water Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: Think Waterworld. Say because of global warming the ice caps start to melt and we all gotta live on boats. I'm not good with boats and get sea sick pretty easily. Shit, I don't want to grow gills either.

9.) Religious Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: You'd think I'd say it would be God vs the Devil or angels vs demons. But that's not the kind I'm talking about. It would kinda suck if the world collapsed into a collective war over religious ideology. Oh shit you mean that's happening now? Fuck.

8.) Asteroid Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: You know where I'm heading. Yup Armageddon and Deep Impact territory. The impact of the asteroids would eradicate a large population but the fallout would cause us to probably all live underground. We probably wouldn't have Internet either.

7.) Natural Resources Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: On Discovery Channel they once theorized if we ran out of oil all hell would break loose. Wars would breakout all over the world as each country horded gas and oil. We really do need all the stuff we dig out of the Earth and it would be madness if gas cost $100 a gallon.

6.) Vampire Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: I recently read Guillermo Del Toro's The Strain and he really details a widespread pandemic if vampires elected to go all vampy and not be all secretive about their intent. Daybreakers illustrates that we could all be infected pretty fast. A vampire world with consist of no sunlight and an overwhelming thirst for blood. But the superhuman strength would be fuckin awesome.

5.) Virus Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: An airborne virus spreading across the planet is the most frightening and MOST REALISTIC thing that could happen. We've had our scares with Ebola and Mad Cow. Say we get a virus like in Stephen King's The Stand, we'd all be fucked. Quarantine zones, wearing masks and hazmat suits. Say the virus turned us into flesh eating mutants? Who would I get to play XBox Kinect with?

4.) Robotic Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: Skynet goes self aware. Your jacked into the Matrix (which doesn't sound so bad). A war between the machines is gonna suck. When your Wii starts attacking you, all hope is loss.


3.) Nuclear Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: It's The Road and it's depressing as hell. Sure Mad Max may look fun with their dune buggies and Road Warrior shoulder pads but the 100 or so years in the fallout shelter would kinda suck.

2.) Alien Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: We're not alone. But after they destroy all the major cities and start a human genocide you'd hope we would be. A virus from a Mac ain't gonna work dude. Being slaves to an alien race is pretty much the worst case scenario. No way we can beat their technology if they're using fuckin force fields. Plus being destroyed by aliens would be demoralizing as you'd think humanity could do it better ourselves.

1.) Zombie Apocalypse

the jaded viewer says: Like I said, a post apocalyptic zombie world would just plain the best worst. Zombie corpses, flies and maggots. All major cities uninhabitable. I mean the walking dead would stink like crazy.

Plus I'm not good with firearms. Maybe I should brush up via Call of Duty.

**********************************************************

Well that's my list. What do you think is the worst of the apocalypses? Go ahead and vote in the poll to the right and if you got your own list, share it below.

And if I flipped the question around, what would be the best apocalypse that you think we'd all be able to survive? I'm thinking vampires (we got daylight!).

Share your thoughts!

The Forgotten Cult Classics of Cannon Films

One of my favorite MST3K episodes was when they riffed on Alien from LA starring Kathy Ireland. I recently watched this episode on YouTube and it still freakin hilarious. So one thing led to another and I realized this movie was produced by Cannon Films, a now dedunct film company. So doing a bit of research I realized Cannon Films produced a lot of my favorite movies from the 80s and 90s. Such classics like Bloodsport, Masters of the Universe, Cyborg, The Barbarians, the American Ninja series, Cobra and Over the Top.

So what else did they produce? I'm glad you asked. There are quite a few laughers and rock em sock em awesomeness in their collection and I figured I'd pick a few to showcase. To get you ready, here's a seductive picture of Kathy Ireland in her Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue days.

Feeling good? OK let's check out some good schlock and goofiness from some awesome movies courtesy of Cannon Films. First up Alien from LA starring squeaky voice Kathy Ireland.

Oh those center of the world hijinks. Gotta love em. Up next, is Hollywood making a comedy out of nuclear war fear...it's America 3000!





What's a better segway from post apocalyptic 80s hair? Christina Lindberg of course. Here is Maid in Sweden. A young girl's story as she searches for the man of her dreams in Stockholm by sleeping with every man in Stockholm.





How do I top a naked Christina Lindberg? With Captain America of course. You knew this was coming. Fuck the Avengers movie. This has Red Skull!




And finally, the last trailer was the last movie ever produced by Cannon Films. It's Street Knight where Jeff Speakman (aka "The Perfect Weapon") battles Mexicans gangs, Black gangs, the Mafia, the police, convenience store clerks, horses and mechanics.





Got any other favorite Cannon Film classics? Do you remember these flicks? Nostalgia away!

10 things that would lead to a jaded viewer apocalypse

If you carefully read my reviews or features or whatever, I've come up with an inside joke or a running gag about the site. If somehow I ever got a quote from one of my REVIEWS on a DVD cover, I would immediately end the site.

So far this has not happened as of yet. The probability of this happening I think is around 30%. Not too good because A.) most of my reviews have profanity and B.) I really doubt I have any good quotes a company or filmmaker could use.

I'd like to point out I've come close. My quote appears on the DVD cover of Incest Death Squad. But the loophole here is that the quote is from my review of THE TRAILER and not the review. I also had a quote of mine in the trailer for Dead Hooker in a Trunk. Alas, this is in a trailer so that doesn't count either.

I'm thinking if a filmmaker or marketing company paid attention or *gasp* likes my site, they wouldn't want it to end and would thus never put a quote of mine on a DVD cover, but c'mon now, that's just silly. They don't even know about the gag....hmm until now. Well that's sorta contradictory of me right? I want to see my name and site quoted but I don't want to end the site. That's why this works on both levels...hehehe.

So which is why I'm adding more to the list of things that would lead to the site going atomic. If any of this happens, the jaded viewer would go bye bye.

If you're worried, trust me these things are not likely but could happen (yeah a few of em are preposterous, but whatever, it's funny no?)

10.) An actual apocalypse (aka the end of the world)
9.) Marriage (however if the wife to be was pro jaded viewer...it would keep the site alive!)
8.) A horror movie wins best picture at the Academy Awards
7.) I get a kiss from Sarah Michelle Gellar
6.) Both my arms get severed
5.) I win the lottery
4.) I reach 5,000 followers on Twitter
3.) I get to be a zombie in a Romero film
2.) I do a shot with Jean Claude Van Damme
1.) My quote appears on a DVD cover of a horror movie

Well now all of you are in on the joke. It's fun to share the gag. Now, only time will tell if any of these things ever happen. Until they do, the jaded viewer keeps on truckin.

Carriers (Review)

Carriers

Carriers (2009)

Directed by Alex and David Pastor

It's New Year's Eve! What better way to end 2009 with a post apocalyptic movie, right? So with my last post of 2009, I bring you my review of Carriers.

Carriers is sorta a uber depressing version of Zombieland without the funny and kinetic moving zombies. There are 4 people (2 dudes and 2 dudettes), they have their own "rules" and they are traveling the US of A to get to a happy place. See what I mean? However, in Carriers it's more realistic and there is no search for twinkies. Also, the "infected" don't want to eat your flesh.

Other than that, it's the same formula. But Paramount Vintage ignored this flick giving it a small release this year whereas Zombieland went global. Carriers is a solid flick and for 90 minutes beats down the every man for himself theme down your throat. Survival of the fittest is the motto in this post apocalyptic world. And because they stayed true to this, it makes quite an effective flick.

But you know what I realized after watching this? If there is EVER a zombie epidemic or a national infection that can't be quarantined, the United States of America is NOT the country you want to be in. We turn into dog eat dog killers and only think of ourselves. Does this happen in the Bahamas?


Boring Plot-O-Matic

Four kids are trying to outrun the end of the world – and each other. No one is safe from the viral pandemic threatening to wipe out the human race. The four friends speed across the Southwestern U.S. to reach a place of safety while facing moral decisions no human should ever be forced to face. They discover that their greatest enemy is not the microbe attacking humanity, but the darkness within themselves.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

So Carriers has rules like Zombieland (5 total compared to the 33 in Z) Let's go through them shall we?

1.) Avoid populated areas at all cost.

The virus in Carriers is never explained and that's a good thing. We get thrown into the movie right smack in the middle as they travel the back roads. All we know when we start our journey with these 4 musketeers is that a virus has wiped out most of humanity and they need the essentials to survive: water, food, bleach and especially gas.

Carriers uses the open country setting well and shows us daytime which makes a infection movie even creepier. I've always thought zombie or virus movies should show us more daytime scenes. Makes us feel we're not safe at all.

2.) If you come into contact with other people, assume they have it.

OK let's introduce our characters. James T. Kirk himself, Chris Pine plays Brian who with his brother Danny (Lou Taylor Pucci) his pseudo GF Kate (Emily VanCamp) and Brian's GF Bobby (Piper Perabo) are our road survivors. Brian plays the rogue self appointed leader, Danny the obedient lap dog, Kate plays the damsel and Bobby who hottie with a heart.

The rules comes into play when they meet a father (Christopher Meloni) and his daughter (who has the disease) who need gas but as they follow rule #1, fate brings all of them together. The movie is one long road trip, we hear things about what may or may not be going on and they all end up at an abandoned school searching for a supposed cure.

Carriers is one depressing rest stop after another. The film gives some glimmer of hope, then coughs up and kills it without any remorse. It's this sort of without mercy storytelling that has an abandon all hope attitude.

Also, we get more in depthiness with our characters. The relationship between Brian and Danny is meshed with hostility and love and we get to hear some backstory of their lives before the virus. It's clearly a way to get us to care for these people and even at times dislike them. In many of these type of movies, the flick doesn't have time to let us know anything about our heroes. Instead, it's "Be chased! Run! Shoot in head!". Carriers allows us to get to know these people and all of them are a tad cool once you get to know them.

3.) The virus can survive on surfaces for up to 24 hours.

This rule should be combine with #4. So see the #4.

4.) Never touch anything that's not disinfected (or disinfect anything they've touched in the last 24 hours)

So obviously one of them gets infected. It's these moments that are as deeply human as they are real. I remember seeing the lines for the H1N1 vaccines and if you think about it, if there was a shortage, people would just be selfish and probably horde the vaccines. Would you do the same? It's easy to not care for a stranger but could you leave your husband, your wife, your kids just to save yourself?

It's always the same question these virus/zombie movies put to the test. As much as you'd like to think you'd take the high ground and be all Pope-ishly moral, I highly doubt we'd actually be civilized in an uncivilized world.

Carriers tries to answer this with hard truths.

5.) Take what you need and never look back (or the sick are already dead, they can't be saved)

After a confrontation with another survivor group at a country club, our scooby gang see the other end of the spectrum when they are questioned and all their supplies are taken. The ending is completely bleak and is the same tone throughout. No happy endings here, no reenacting Ghostbusters will Bill Murray.

Carriers is as depressing as you can get for a post apocalyptic movie (though I hear The Road is more so). Sure, I can dig a downer ending but I'd hope we'd have some hope of goodness inside all of us. Maybe I'm pessimestic about the human race (shit, it could be because I'm American) but I always thought the idea of an end of the world movie is to show how bad it can get and we can lose all our beliefs, but we can stick to at least one. I am a glass half full sorta guy. I think there are some of us that give a shit about each other.

Am I being naive? Maybe so, but that's why Carriers won't make my Top 20 list. I wanted to think we could be better than we are. It's that damn Star Trek vision of the future I guess.

Overall, Carriers is an effective film of post apocalyptic survival, characters you care about and a live and let die philosophy of who we are.

Wow, I'm totally depressed now. Maybe I'll move to the Bahamas.

Gore-ipedia

Infected ickyness
Virus trauma

Nude-ipedia

Oh I would have paid $5 to see Piper Perabo naked...but she isn't

WTF moment

Brian goes postal on some Christians

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Happy New Year's Eve! Trust me, this is not the flick you want to see going into 2010. But I can see why this was put on many Top 10 lists for 2009. It's a gritty, realistic and depressing look into the infection doomsday genre and doesn't care to give you any happy ending. See this, then see Zombieland. Its total ying and yang.

Carriers comes out on DVD on December 29th. Head over to the official site for more goodies.

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.