The WTF List: Black Swan (Review)

Did I really just watch a movie about ballet?

Let's pretend you didn't hear that. Well I figured I'd check this one out as its supposed horror elements that echo an Argento flair were ever evident. Sure I'm a fan of Darren Aronofsky like all the other art cinephiles out there. I mean he made movies about wrestling and orgy drug use.

I'm guessing the movie was good but that's for those serious critics to dissect. Let em talk about performances and plot and technique until they turn blue in the face. You're not getting anything serious from me. Black Swan gets a WTF list because there is no way I could actually give it a real review. We all need to get our swan on.

On to the list!

1.) I hope I see somebody get served in this.
2.) I've seen more exposed ribs in Black Swan than a Texas BBQ.
3.) Man, this is so gay. (not that there is anything wrong with that)
4.) Vincent Cassel has kissed, groped, fondled and had simulated sex with the hottest actresses on like multiple continents.
5.) Natalie is working her thing like she's plugging a hole on the SS Minnow.
5a.) What's up with the weird pervert on the train? That guy deserves an Oscar.
6.) I am now officially going to post pictures of Mila Kunis randomly on the jaded viewer.
7.) Mila and Natalie just made every dude's brains explode (among other things) in that carpet munching scene.
8.) I knew it! All ballerinas are all lesbians.
9.) All this ballet is reminding me of the Flintstones episode where Fred uses ballet to bowl.
10.) Secretly, we all love Mila over Natalie. Mila is like the super geek girl who's a hottie. Natalie is like the hottie who acts as a super geek girl.


11.) Somehow I think Black Swan will make hipsters visit Lincoln Center.
12.) Lots of turf toe injuries I'm thinking.
13.) Sex, violence, lots of vomit....is this August Underground?!?
14.) This is like when Hogan went from the yellow and red to the black and white.
15.) Winona Ryder need a hug.
16.) I mean at times this movie got boring...I could only imagine what real ballet is like.
17.) Mila's been busted open!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!
18.) The sequel is gonna be called Black Swan 2: Lily's Revenge.
19.) Oh man, not even one boob in this?
20.) Why does every Aronofsky movie seem to end with somebody jumping off something?

So what's the prognosis? I guess this was good...you know goody two shoes goes from all virtuous to vicious douchebag killer metamorphosis and thinks somebody is going to take her spot. Seems like a wrestling plot device to me (and according to Aronofsky it could have been, see IMDB trivia)

I'm giving it 2 and half out 4 spinkicks. Because of the scene below. Let's watch it again OK?

10 More Undeniable Parallels Between Porn and Horror

Not a lot of people will admit they watch porn. The same can be said about horror as well. That's one of many parallels both genres have. So after reading this article called 10 Undeniable Parallels Between Porn and Horror Movies, I figured I could come up with more parallels between the 2.

I'll admit, I agree with almost everything on that list in some way or the other. If you don't take it too seriously, it's pretty funny and unbelievably true. Porn is the bastard child of Hollywood yet horror is looked upon as the stepchild of the studio system. Both are treated like shit.

So I'm adding 10 more to this already comprehensive list.

1.) Their conventions are eerily similar

Both horror and porn have conventions in the most unlikely of places. Horror has their conventions in hotel ballrooms while porn will have them in suburbia. Both can even sellout convention centers.

Both have booths and feature film viewings and have crazy stunts to get some buzz. Freebies a plenty at both conventions.

2.) They both remake or reboot current or past films

Horror is the reboot and remake genre of genres. Every horror movie of the last 20 years seems to either have been remade, rebooted, prequeled or sequeled. Porn is the master of their domain when it comes to parodying Hollywood movies. They've even parodied horror movies making it a double penetration!

3.) They both have an awards show honoring themselves

Horror has the Scream Awards. Porn has the AVN Awards and both have quirky categories. Horror has winners for "Holy Sh*t Scene of the Year" and "Most Memorable Mutilation" while porn has "Most Outrageous Sex Scene" and "Best MILF title".

4.) Group slaughter is the same as an orgy

At times in a horror movie, the slasher will go all mass genocide on a group of victims. This is pretty much the porn equivalent of a gangbang or orgy. Both involve sweaty people and lots of heavy breathing.

5.) Both genres are dominated by white people

Most actors and actresses in both genres are white. Sure you'll get a token minority every now and then but for the most part, it's stereotypically pale.

6.) They're side by side at the video store

Umm, you ever notice that the horror videos are right next to the swinging doors that say "Adults Only!". C'mon, I know you did.

7.) Both have subgenres that are fucked up as hell

Horror has torture porn. Porn HAS actual torture porn.

8.) A hulking big man wants to "stab" the shit out of a hot girl

This is pretty much self explanatory.

9.) Both have foreplay

Before you get to the good shit, there is tons of foreplay. Slashers taunt and ridicule their victims before the final slaughter. Porn has lots of...well you know.

10.) Bodily fluid is splattered all over the place

I'll leave this up to your sick and dirty imagination.

*********************************************

C'mon now, you noticed all these things to. You just don't want to admit it. A few other similarities are both have blogs and sites dedicated to reviewing their movies. Have you ever been to a porn movie review site? It's spookily similar to a horror review. Do you have any more similarities to add to the list? Think about it.

While you're thinking, I'm going to get the best of both worlds by watching The Human Sextipede.

The WTF List: Inception

The summer movies are in full swing and without a doubt Inception is probably going to be the best movie of the summer blockbusters. It's almost made like a bajillion dollars already and the critics are dry humping this movie. Color me interested.

So Inception had to be seen to see what the fuss was all about. And it is indeed freakin awesome.
It's a thinking man's movie filled with ideas and layers and more layers. But at its core, Inception is original and different. So many movies these days are remakes, sequels or stories from other mediums. Christopher Nolan wrote the story over 8 years or so and though it draws from what's been done before, it's cleverly unique. Don't call it The Matrix meets something. I hate when critics do that.

So I bring you a WTF List within a WTF List. Oh its gonna get trippy.

1.) I will always think of Leo DiCaprio as Luke, the homeless kid Kirk Cameron adopts on Growing Pains (but I do think he is a solid actor and I usually buy into the characters he plays)
2.) The # of Dark Knight returning actors is a little much
3.) Well things are getting a little Matrixy
4.) The falling down/water "kick" is completely real (I usually wake up when I feel like I'm falling in a dream)
5.) The thing about Ellen Page is she seems like somebody you'd actually like to hang out with, whereas the wife (Marion Cotillard) you'd just want 10 minutes with (if you know what I'm saying)
6.) Joseph Gordon-Levitt is no longer Tommy from 3rd Rock to me anymore. Ever since I saw him in Brick, the dude can freakin act.
7.) Michael Cane could be in a KFC commercial and it would win Best Picture
8.) Shit's flipping and flopping and its just seamless CGI. Nothing looks too computer generaty.
9.) Obviously, you have to watch and listen closely to understand what's happening. I did. But the other jabronis in the theater are fuckin retarded. Jabronis can only compute: Hot girl, big explosions and celebrity sighting. How in the world will they understand Inception????
10.) It's a heist movie but in dreams. It gets a little complicated, I thought I needed to put what I saw seeing in a Powerpoint graph.
11.) SPOILER (sorta) Airplane (real!) Van chase (Dream 1) Hotel (Dream 2) Snow Mountains (Dream 3) The buildings crumbling you saw in the trailer (Limbo). Got that?
12.) I turned back to see how everybody was enjoying the flick and there were 90% faces of confusion. I'm going to conclude they are gonna so IMDB after they watch the flick so they can explain to their friends how cool it was because they didn't understand it in the first place.
13.) The subconscious is full of some heavy weaponry and lots of car chases and explosions
14.) Upon retrospect, this is how the movie plays out:

• Ending of the movie is at the beginning,
• The tutorial for us the audience
• Recruitment of heisters
  
• We are told what the fuck "Inception" actually is
  
• Recon
• The Heist
• Leo's choice
• The wildly ambiguous ending!

15.) I came to the realization after seeing this movie that I missed a few things and I'll probably have to watch it again to "get them"
16.) Sneaking into Inception a half hour in or an hour in would be super pointless.
17.) The few jokes that were sporadic...worked
18.) I hope to visit Limbo one day....seems kinda awesome
19.) The movie had to end with a wildy non solid ambigious ending...I called it before the movie started.
20.) Here's my take on the ending (SPOILERS!!!!!)...............









He's still dreaming. We didn't see Cobb waking up from the others dreams (limbo, snowy world, hotel or the van). We saw Ariadne "wake up" from each different dreamscape. All we saw was him wake up on the plane. The fact that he still sees his kids the way he saw him in his dreams says he's still dreaming.

Of course I could be wrong as the spinning top looked like it was about to fall (which is the way he knows he's not dreaming). It's open ended but that's my theory.

All of Nolan's films have ended with a little downer and I don't think Inception ending with everything working out. He's still dreaming and I'm sticking with it.

Rating:

**********************************

But than again, this is not really a WTF List of Inception. You're actually dreaming your reading this in front of your computer (what the hell kind of dream is this?) Or do you really think your reading this review of Inception and think its in reality.

You're still dreaming.

WAKE UP!!!!

The WTF List: Iron Man 2

Oh let the summer popcorn flicks begin. Well, the first superhero movie of the year was Kick-Ass (which I absolutely loved). There will be plenty more robot action, but Iron Man 2 is solidly solid. I mean Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark with a carefree douchebaggery, its fun fun fun. Add in Gywneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson as your eye candy (is it me or does Scarlett's boobies get bigger every movie?) and its smash em up, blow em up action.

So lets WTF with a list shall we?

1.) So do the youngins think Mickey Rourke is the guy from the Wrestler or the guy from Sin City? I think he's the guy from 9 1/2 weeks.
2.) Garry Shandling plays the dick, Jewish Senator.
3.) Why is it that a simple iPhone can crack into the Department of Defense?
4.) Tony Stark's basement is waaaaaay awesomer than the Batcave.
5.) We've got the anti-Stark Justin Hammer. He's not too much of an asshole...which he should be.
6.) Don Cheadle plays the black guy...because black guys in Hollywood are all Don Cheadles.
7.) Jeezus Scarlett, can you get more hotter?
8.) Well Whiplash vs Iron Man battle #1 was sorta yawn.
9.) My Iron Man knowledge is very limited. So is my Avengers knowledge.
10.) I thought Nick Fury was white, ran in slo mo and had a tan?
11.) Jeezus Scarlett, are you wearing leather? I'm going to need 10 minutes...brb.
12.) Iron Man vs War Machine was fun. Stark's house is getting all kinds of fucked up. I feel sorry for the contractor who's gonna have to do repairs.
13.) Everytime I see Iron Man, I think the Sabbath song"I am Iron Man" theme song is gonna play.
14.) Can you believe the Stark Expo is a few stops away from my apartment?
15.) I swear to God, if Iron Man fucks up Citi Field in any way, I'm going to call 911.
16.) OK let me tell you that I know the layout of Flushing Meadow Park and right now the globe, the circular steel structure and the MIB saucer thingies are not as awesome as you'd think they are close up.
17.) Lots of shit is getting blown up....lots of blast beams and lots of gunfire. It's like Baltimore.
18.) Oh did Tony Stark make a gay reference to Captain America...oh yes he did!
19.) Whiplash still sucks in Iron Man vs Whilpash battle #2
20.) Fuck, I missed the scene at the end of the credits...somebody please post this on YouTube ASAP.

OK to conclude, Tony Stark is a douche, Scarlett Johansson is yummy, Whiplash has a bad Russian accent for someone who is Russian, Citi Field remained intact and we are probably going to get an Avengers movie.

Now go see IM2 and get your robot suit porn action on.

The WTF List: Jennifer's Body

Well everybody has done regular reviews, screencap reviews, quotey quotable reviews of Jennifer's Body. But nobody has done a trademarked jaded viewer WTF List of this movie.

Honest to blog, thank the cheesy fries for me.

So here is The WTF List: Jennifer's Body Edition. Beware, I'm going all Buffy comparison in this list.

1.) OK, let's get it outta the way. She may look whorey, but Megan Fox is fuckin hot
2.) This movie is like an episode of Buffy. I mean they could be in Sunnydale and it totally feels the same way. Needy is Willow, Chip is Oz and Jennifer is a Cordelia/Buffy hybrid.
3.) Looking beyond her character, Amanda Seyfried is waaay hot too. Just had to get that outta the way
4.) Low Shoulder ain't no Dingoes Ate my Baby

5.) OK I chuckled during that "It's true. It's on Wikipedia" line
6.) OMG that's fuckin Screeching Weasel. Damn you Diablo Cody!!!!
7.) Victim #1 was a jock douchebag (yay), Victim #2 is a Hot Topic addict (double yay)
8.) How many people from Juno are in this?
9.) It's like Teeth but without the mutant hoohaa
10.) Gratuitous use of an homage to Evil Dead via a t-shirt
11.) Hot lesbian scene is super stimulating on a intellectual basis....ok I'll be right back.
12.) Back......wait not done yet. Now I'm back.
13.) The female natural cycle to sexual innuendo ratio is like 2:1.
14.) Really? Satanic rituals and succubi. You gotta love 3rd grade level horror.
15.) The big final fight scene was all tampons and eating disorder talk. Funny one liners should have lead to chick on chick violence.
16.) OK the chick on chick violence was horribly boring
17.) That ending was on Season 3, Episode 12...aspect of the demon. OMG, did Diablo Cody just watch all of Buffy to write this shit?
18.) Gratuitous use of Lance Henrickson....why I ask you why?
19.) The waterfall thing is kinda cool
20.) OK, now lets talk about the dialogue. Sure I know its too overly clever but the Diablo Cody speak is exactly the same as Whedon-logue. So I'm not going to say that the movie is bad because of this.

I like how the dialogue is populated with pop culture references, Internet lingo and cleverly cleverisms. Because I mean look how I write for blog's sake. I'm a true Whedon disciple and every since, I've started blogging and talking this way. I think it might be a severe disorder that I will have a press conference about one day.

In any case, final thoughts on Buffy's Body. The movie is heightened Diablo Cody for the prepackaged, T-Mobile Sidekick text happy MTV crowd. I liked it in that mindless horror mainstreaminess sorta way. We got cock teased with Megan Fox partial nudity, thought we'd get some decent monsters slaying and it promoted the soundtrack as best it could. Here's the simple calculus.

Cleverlogue + Megan Fox + demonology + tongue on tongue happy = Yay!

It's a horror comedy with LOLs and OMGs and FTWs. Sit back, relax and eat some green M&M's. You get 2 spinkicks Jennifer's Body.

You happy?

Rating:

The WTF List: Avatar Edition

So on a cold, frigid day last week I went to see the overly hyped, groundbreaking behemoth that is Avatar. What can you say that hasn't been said already? I dug the Real D awesomeness but the story was equivalent to a high school film club pitching potential Star Trek episode ideas.

Insano Steve said it best. It's the same rehashed story they use for every other movie. Dumb, stoopid guy has to join group and learn their ways. Meets girl. Likes girl. Gets in fight with girl's pseudo BF (he's a douche) and pseudo BF makes fun of guy. Girl sees this. He wins girl. Big fight ensues. He has to choose old culture or new culture. He chooses new culture. The End.

But damn those effects are spec-fuckin-tacular. So without further ado, it's the WTF list: Avatar Edition! Spoilers Ahoy.

1.) Really? 5 3D previews in a row? Jeezus...those piranhas look fake
2.) I haven't even put on my Real D glasses and I have a headache already
3.) Well, color me impressed. The virtual displays look holodecky
4.) Damn, these be tall motherfuckers
5.) Have we not learned from our mistakes? Guess not. USA! USA! USA!
6.) I am mesmerized by colorful, spinning bugs
7.) Dude! I see Na'vi boobage!
8.) So are there like Samoan, fat Na'vi?
9.) This is reminding me of the time Sigourney Weaver tried saving Gorillas in the Mist
10.) These rhino-elephant creatures are very awe-ish. So is the rainbow plant life.
11.) Giovanni Ribisi is the best overacting actor of our generation
12.) Dude, it's like Top Gun but with dragony creatures. Maverick this is Goose...
13.) Holy Shit! They gonna do it!!! They gonna hook up their tentacles, use a condom bro
14.) The whole Native American angle is a bit overused...couldn't we just give them some whiskey and wait a few generations (oh snap! He just didn't say that)
15.) Ewoks vs Empire all over again...and yet somehow we all believe this is plausible
16.) Great job USA, you blew up a tree. Pat yourself on the back.
17.) So is Jake Sully....Obama or am I reading too much in to this. You the chosen one!
18.) Well this be my first 3D action flick and I'm loving every minute of it
19.) Damn, America can't even win a war in a movie, we suck
20.) I now have a slight headache but I'll admit Avatar is very breathtaking visually

21.) FYI. Michelle Rodriguez in a tank top is visually yumminess

If I have to give this a spinkick rating it be 3. I mean the last 3D flick I saw was My Bloody Valentine and the gimmick use of this format in that flick was slightly entertaining.

But James Cameron seems like the guy to be the chosen one to lead us into this new tech. I mean he made tall, blue smurfs look and feel "real". And you gotta give him his props. But that's the thing. Even the Star Wars fans know Lucas can't write or pen any sensible dialogue and Cameron seems to suffer from "Dialogue and plot may be regurgitated but this shit be in 3D!".

Avatar is simply visual eye candy that has pushed the envelope that we will now all be watching movies in funny sunglasses for the foreseeable future. Sigh.