Based upon my educational level, my vast knowledge of horror trivia, tactics and experience, I think I could do well against certain slashers and pretty much get sliced early on against others. So below you'll find a list of slashers and whether or not I could outsmart them and escape scot fuckin free.
I want you fellow jaded viewers and my horror blogger alumni to try this experiment as well. List a bunch of slashers and think really hard if you could come out a winner. Don't be asshole/douche and think you could really get away from all of them. Share your lists and we'll all pretend to be smart motherfuckers!
Here's mine!
1.) Jason Voorhees
the jaded viewer says: Fuck yeah I could outsmart Jason. I'm not that freakin clumsy, won't trip running away in the woods and I'm pretty sure I'm in decently physically fit cardio wise. Jason waits for you to board yourself up in a house or cabin in the woods. Fuck that shit.
I'm running all night, even in the dead of night until I reach pavement of a highway. I'll bring a water bottle with me.
2.) Freddy Kreuger
the jaded viewer says: When I dream, I'm totally not in control. I don't know how to dream properly (lucid dreaming or whatever it's called) and I'd totally get Inception killed by the son of 1000 maniacs.
3.) Michael Myers
the jaded viewer says: The king of slashers and the smartest maniac on the planet. Michael was calculated, methodical and damn clever. I wouldn't last 10 minutes if I was hanging out in front of the Haddonfield 7-Eleven.
4.) Jigsaw
the jaded viewer says: Fuck y'all. If I need to hack my arm off I'm doing it to live. But knowing Jigsaw, his traps always have a damn twist so my likely survival probably hovers around 20%.
5.) Chucky
the jaded viewer says: He's a fuckin doll. Outsmart Chucky? Hell I could actually kick his ass. I'll show him who's the Good Guy.
Name a slasher in the comments and in my follow up to this post, I'll let you know if I could win or die a horrific death. If you have a horror blog, choose a few slashers and ask yourself if you could beat these icons of horror.
20120201
Could the Jaded Viewer outsmart (or die horribly) against these infamous slasher icons?
20110914
Sweatshop (Review)
Sweatshop
Sweatshop (2009)
Directed by Stacy Davidson
"It's always the quiet ones that cut your dick off while you're not looking"
-Token black guy DJ
It's rare to see a film that takes the slasher formula and hammers in the gore relentlessly. If there is one thing that nails this down, it's Sweatshop, a splatter soaked gore-o-thon that gives us sex, beats and a big fuckin sledgehammer.
Director Stacy Davidson and writer Ted Geoghegan clearly went for the jugular in this film. I'll get to the gore in a second but the cast of characters who we'll get to meet are the anti-Hollywood Hollister/American Eagle bunch of white people. They're ravers/punk rockers/crustycore motley crew sorta bunch and kudos to the costume department for making them all stand out in their own way.
A few plot points are scattered around, a few LOLs dabbled in but the gorehounds will rejoice when "The Beast" and his banshee she-demons get their kill on. It's the gore and splatter that drives Sweatshop, make no doubt about it. It's not reinventing the slasher genre but it's making sure the definition is being 100% adhered to.
Sweatshop's The Beast is a slasher even Thor would be scared of.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A group of friends break into an abandoned factory in order to throw a impromptu party; unaware that it is not as empty as they originally believed.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
I review every slasher flickwith my handy jaded viewer slasher checklist. Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.
Does Sweatshop achieve everything on this list?
1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?
Check. The Beast's backstory is never told, we don't even know why he wants to kill these glow stick motherfuckers. He's got a pimp fur coat and a welding mask and his fuckin large...like Butterbean large. I'm going to assume he's an inbred redneck as that's what I always assume.
2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?
Definite check. The raver-tastic Krystal Freeman who plays Lolli shows us her lovely lovelies (that's boobs) and it's mucho fantastico. Top it off with a sex scene with a fat guy and..... ::shivers::
3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?
Check. Clearly there's a final girl in here somewhere. We have Charlie, the greedy raver in charge, Scottyboy the mohawk sex fiend, Wade the hillbilly, Jade the malicious vixen, Lolli the slut, Miko the other slut and a token black DJ.
4.) No Plot?
Check. Kids have a rave in an abandoned warehouse where a Thor envy slasher kills them. What more you want?
5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"
Check. I'll say that they went old school with this one.
6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hammer frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?
Check. Top notch over the top gore in this one. Severed heads via a hedge clipper, sliced heads via machetes, entrails and intestines ripped out and many many many splatter inducing, modified sledge hammer wallops that result in pancake ravers. Ocular trauma, penis trauma, hand trauma, neck trauma...there be a whole shitload of fuckin trauma in this.
7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)
Nope. Nothing. Nada. Nobody really takes charge. Everybody fends for themselves. Bunch of savages in this town.
8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)
There are a few jokes that made me chuckle but overall it's the final rave scene at the end where The Beast goes exterminator on the raver "roaches" that had me laughing.
9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.
Nope.
10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?
Check.
Sweatshop isn't the most creative slasher movie but it's the most bloodiest one I've seen in a while. It's got its gimmicks (ravers doing ravy things) and a masked slasher with a weapon that would make Jason Voorhees jealous. The characters are your standard cardboard cutouts of not white teen suburbia but cutouts of what we think ravers dress and act like. I mean they had them drinking and smoking weed...but not doing meth or taking E? WTF?By the end of the first hour, the body count is quite high and your waiting to see what the hell will happen in the final 30. And I'll admit it doesn't disappoint. It's a crazy gore soaked ending.
I've always said that if you have gratuitous nudity, some semi interesting characters and a formidable killing machine, you've made a decent slasher film in my book.
You may not have expected it, but Sweatshop cuts off a good solid dick.
Gore-ipedia
See checklist item #6
Nude-ipedia
Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous
WTF moment
That hammer is seriously pimped out
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Sweatshop is being distributed via Screen Media Films and was released on DVD September 13th. Sarah Jahier of Fatally Yours has a quote on the DVD box (which peaked my interest in watching this) and a Bloody Disgusting and Dread Central gave good reviews.
The Vitals
Rating:
1/2Check out the trailer.
20110310
Director Eric England defends "cliched" Madison County trailer
I usually only post a trailer of an upcoming horror movie if I really like the flick or I think it's inventive, creative or unique. We can watch these trailers anywhere, so there really is no need to post it up on the jaded viewer.
But I did get a press release for an upcoming slasher film called Madison County and I checked out the trailer. So what's this about?
Madison County is about a group of college students that travel to a remote, mountain town called Madison County to interview the author of a tell-all book on the accounts of the grisly murders that happened in the town over two decades ago.
Upon their arrival, the author is no where to be found and the townspeople state that they've "not seen him in years." They also deny that Damien Ewell, the notorious murderer, ever existed and that the murders never happened. As the kids start to dig around to get their own answers, they come to find that the stories, and Damien, maybe more real than the townspeople are letting on.
Now check out the trailer.
Let's break this down like Donkey Kong.
- Naked blonde girl running on a dirt road
- Redneck Cannibal Town, USA
- Dumb urban college students
- Private Property? Fuck that!
- Deserted house with wind chimes!
- Slasher with pig mask and big fuckin ax
- Local townie that warns dumb Ambercrombie and Fitch dumb white kids to leave
- Quickly edited running around montage
- Slasher swing and a miss
- Hostages with no hope of surviving
- A random oozing of blood
- A name to our slasher that sounds really familiar
- Face molestation
- Title Card!
- "Inspired by True Events" declaration
- Last "scare" shot
So why am I talking about a cliched upcoming slasher flick? Because it's a cliched slasher flick. The director of Madison County Eric England recently wrote an interesting article defending his movie and trailer in his blog which you can find here.
He wrote: "I didn't pitch this film as "the most original slasher film ever made" when I tried to get it made. In fact, slasher films themselves have been done to death. But that's exactly why I wanted to make Madison County. I LOVE Slasher films. Love them. And I want to see them live on."
He goes on to say that he loved Adam Green's Hatchet and that most movies are retelling of the same stories over and over again. Well this got me thinking. Can I really bash Madison County's trailer because I think it has those overused slasher cliches when I wrote a review of Hatchet and Hatchet 2 praising the slasher cliches in Adam Green's films?
Ah ha you're saying right now. Would I be a hypocrite for doing such a thing? Am I contradicting myself for asking indie horror filmmakers to make creative and new films but praising films that follow the same old formula? For instance, I liked Laid to Rest for being a cliched sorta new slasher film and Slither for being an homage monster slug movie. If I like those Hollywood is going to keep remaking those flicks. I'm just contributing to the Hollywood machine aren't I?
Regular loyal jaded viewers know I support indie horror and will try to hold judgement on a movie before I see it. But when I watch a trailer that seems generic, I kinda start forming an opinion in my head. After seeing so many horror movies, especially slasher flicks you know what's coming. You know all the tricks, the stereotypical characters, the BOO! shots. The one thing that Hatchet had going for it was the kill scenes were pure blood drenched gore-tastic moments that made your jaw drop....literally.
So I make a call out to Mr. Eric England.
I want to know what's different about Madison County from the other slasher films we've all seen? Explain to me why I should see college kids get sliced and diced in Redneck Country, USA by a slasher in a pig's mask?
Every new slasher is a little different, has a unique backstory and can kill in new and inventive way. I'm hoping Damien has a little creativity in him. Hell he has some farm supplies he can arm himself with. Let me know what's going to separate Madison County apart from the rest. That's all I ask.
As for my fellow jaded viewers, my question is this. Are we all being hypocritical when we praise a slasher flick filled with the same old cliches but demand Hollywood stop making remakes?
What do you all think?
20101013
Mute Slashers vs Chatty Slashers: Which do you prefer?
I've been thinking about this for a while but I've never actually seen anybody debate this on a blog. Well, I figure I'd get some opinions. We all love our slashers with all their different personalities but there are 2 distinct characteristics you can group em into.
Silent and deadly or chatty and jokey.
Which do you prefer?
Insano Steve prefers mute slashers. I too prefer the silent types. But that's not too say I don't love some sadistic one liner by one Freddy Kreuger. It says a lot about you if you say you like the mute slasher compared to the chatty one.
So who's in these 2 groups? Let's start off with the mute killers.
Notable Mute Slashers
- Jason Voorhees
- Michael Myers
- Leatherface
- Ghostface (well until the end anyway)
- Victor Crowley
Notable Chatty Slashers
- Freddy Kreuger
- Pinhead
- Chucky
- Candyman
20100915
Spring Break Massacre (Review)
Spring Break Massacre
Spring Break Massacre (2008)
Directed by Michael Hoffman
According to IMDB Trivia, Spring Break Massacre was filmed in only 6 days and with one camera.
Welcome to the world of low budget horror.
With the Hollywood reboot of Piranha 3D, not only has Hollywood tried to reboot grindhouse films, but they're even trying to bring back those 80s campy horror films. You know the ones...gratuitous nudity, ridiculous dialogue and tons of carnage and blood.
So it wasn't long that we'd see more 80s horror rebooted. With Spring Break Massacre, director Michael Hoffman reboots the slumber party/spring break genre , indie horror style. You have to give him credit, for a movie shot in 6 days, one camera, limited funds and a multi cast and crew, the movie came out looking pretty solid.
But it's still plagued by a hiccupy screenplay, flashbacks upon flashbacks and cameos that seem gratuitous as the nudity.
But aside from that, Spring Break Massacre loads up on everything you want from a movie that's called Spring Break Massacre. There's spring break, there is a massacre and their are tons of awesome top only nudity that puts a smile in every alpha male's face. Throw in some generic kills and you got a indie throwback that should make every horror fan sigh after paying $16 for some 3D flick.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A sleepover party during spring-break turns deadly for six beautiful sorority co-eds. Stanley Peterson, convicted serial killer, has escaped from maximum security prison. It's up to the college cuties to unravel the mystery of their assailant before the night is over.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
If your reading this review, all you wanna know is the following:
- How much nudity is in the film?
- Are there any good scenes of splatter and gore?
- Does this movie have a crazy slasher or twist ending that makes you go WTF?
First let me say the "spring break" in Spring Break Massacre is a little misleading. Sure it takes place during spring break but if you're thinking the beer and wet t-shirt contests from Piranha 3D, these aren't the boobies you're looking for. Instead we go from lakeside spring break montages in a small Illinois town to a horror slumber party genre flick in a few short scenes.
CAMEO-PALOOZA!So when we're not hanging out with our oversexed, drugged up white coeds, we meet the local sheriff (Reggie Bannister from Phantasm) and his deputy Hendricks (Linnea Quigley). Part of every spring break/slumber party movie is to chill with the police and show how inept they are and we get that feeling from the cameos from our stars. My gripe here is we spend too much time with our local law enforcement. It's good to have the horror star power of the past, but short cameos work best.
I LOVE ME SOME BOOBIES
See? I knew you'd keep reading if I wrote that. Let's be real. Sometimes indie horror movies will not get the best looking actors and actresses. But Spring Break Massacre really felt like a real throwback. The guys look like jock-o-douchebags and the girls, wowsers. Holy fuckin hawtness. These girls were actually hot (aside from a pimple faced Asian and a chubby chubster). And they get totally nude (OK boobies nude but they are all real and spectacular)
You rarely see this in low low low budget horror (I'm thinking this isn't as low budget as I think it is). The standout is our lead Heather (Sarah Minnic) who is gives a Jaime Pressly like performance of hot blonde meets funny facial expressions. The other girls all follow your usual sorority stereotypes as we have: "the smoker", "the lesbian", "the hot brunette", "the other hot blonde" and "the virgin".
Before we can get to our kills, we get our campy camp humor. This is illustrated in a scene where the guys fantasize what the girls are doing at their girls only slumber party. These lead to dream sequences that were LOL. But we just don't get a few sporadic random boobage. Other scenes of aborted skinny dipping and a lesbian shower scene are added in. If there is one thing Spring Break Massacre did well, it was making sure gratuitous nudity was used gratuitously.
IS THAT A KNI-.....OWWWWWWWWWWWWW
So a lot of red herring killers are touted in front of us. Who is the mysterious killer? Is it the wrongly accused escaped convict? A "To Catch a Predator" creepy neighbor? Or is it one of our spring break bunch? Hoffman throws in many probables to get us confused. This is repeated as we see our creepy neighbor (Bob Farster) show up to scare the girls and act all perverty.Most of what we see is after carnage kills. Bodies littering the house and a few quick cuts to death. It's not until the end does it go all splater-palooza. Some of the kills are basic, nothing I'm writing Fangoria about.
I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON
A few of the weirdness from Spring Break Massacre comes in the use of grainy black and white flashbacks that are intertwined in the film. As the twist is revealed and motive is explained we even get full flashbacks of scenes we've already seen!
The biggest problem is the bulk of the movie is told in a flashback. We see one of our characters in the aftermath of the massacre pretty much showing that she survives. I hated this. Why do this? It takes out the fun of "who will survive" aspect of a horror film. Saw did this and that's why I disliked the first flick.
When our killer is finally revealed it doesn't make sense. I can "get it" that it's not suppose to make sense because all those spring break/slumber party/sorority house/summer camp horror movie killers never made sense and always had odd motives for why they killed. We get a full explanation of why the slasher kills in SBM. I just didn't like it.
Spring Break Massacre is a throwback to the glory days of 80s camp horror. Most of us today don't appreciate this genre if we're not wearing funny glasses. But I appreciate this subgenre of horror and I know Michael Hoffman does to. In every scene, you know Hoffman is parodying the Roger Corman labeled spring break movies but also making one for today.
The formula for these movies is pretty simple. Tits, slaughtered teens, a crazy slasher and then more tits. Spring Break Massacre is exactly that, nothing more and nothing less. And at least it didn't cost me $16 fuckin dollars.Gore-ipedia
Gunshot wounds
Knife trauma
Head bashing
After carnage bodies
Nude-ipedia
Lots and lots and lots.
WTF moment
The final line in the movie.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
I appreciated this indie effort to reboot this genre. If you want to see what Michael Hoffman can do with actually funds, you can support him by "liking" the Facebook page. It seems they are about to get started on the reimagining/sequel to this film.
Kudos to Hoffman and his team. I'm looking forward to see what a bigger budget will bring.
Want to see what the fuss (and boobies) are all about?
Also check out the official site. Also you can buy the DVD at Amazon.com, Best Buy or Blockbuster. It's also on Netflix. Support indie horror dammit!
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Check out the trailer below!
20091012
The House of the Devil (Review)
The House of the Devil (2009)
Directed by Ti West
It's very odd that this decade, the 2000s have all been a haven for the throwback, remake or homage movie. We get sentimental for different decades, the 70s and 80s we deem as the golden age sometimes. This very much is the case within horror.
I am not a child of the 70s, but I did watch the cinema of the time. When I first got into horror, I figured I should self-educate and watch the best of the best. The Exorcist, Rosemary's Baby, The Omen, etc. And after watching all these movies, I never knew why people were so obsessed with the occult and the Satanic worship at the time.
But Ti West wants you to get reacquainted with that devil fear all over again. With The House of the Devil, he basically takes that slow burn, jump scare and evil Satanic worshipping frozen dinner and reheats it for you, complete with the side of gory red pudding. West does nothing new to this genre of film, but instead adds some gorehound delights and nostalgic 80s soundtrack to complete a good homage, nothing more and nothing less.
I found myself caught in the middle. And I'll tell you why.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
In the 1980s, college student Samantha Hughes takes a strange babysitting job that coincides with a full lunar eclipse. She slowly realizes her clients harbor a terrifying secret; they plan to use her in a satanic ritual.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Let's just start off with what I liked. I loved the vintage 80s opening credits, from the fonts to the freeze frame credit sequences. West spares no expense to get you back into acid washed jeans and Charlie's Angels hair. The soundtrack keeps this going with very montagey music that blends into the film. As Sam blasts her oversized Walkman, we hear music from new wave to metal (thank the Gods of Fire for that). Later, we even get a gratuitous 80s montage set to "One Thing Leads to Another" by The Fixx. It's all these things that gave me a happy because nostalgia is an intoxicating drug for any movie fan.
Here is where we go grey. Sam (Jocelin Donahue) is that everyday poor, struggling college student. She's got a horny, slobby roommate which is the reason she decides to move off campus. She soon takes a babysitting job located in backwoods, USA and she and her friend Megan are off to meet the lovely but ultimately evil Mr. and Mrs. Ulman. 
Act 2 begins when Sam decides to take the babysitting job which turns out to be not a babysitting job. Mr Ulman (Tom Noonan, who does a decent job as the creepy undertaker-like guy) explains the rules and coerces her with more money.
We the viewer get painstakingly a collection of scenes of Sam snooping all over the house. Some scenes (especially shots of her through a window are glorious throwaway shots of old). But more so, we get Sam being scared of her friend's answering machine (complete with that 80s pretend voice message), Sam scared of the pizza guy, Sam scared of the bathroom, Sam scared of the creepy attic. West spares no expense who amp up the bass to get you to jump out of your seat. Think of the "Don't!" trailer and this sums up Act 2.
Check out an example of the slow burn suspense in this clip below.
Act 3 which takes about an hour and 10 minutes to get to is filled with bloody uber chaos. Motive is explained by our diabolical couple and their homicidal son tries to go, well homicidal on Sam. Satanic rituals are in effect with that Satanic star, that Satanic animal skull and that Satanic blood drinking and human sacrifices. In all these movies, they end one of two ways. Somebody gets shot or jumps off the roof of the house.
Like I said before, West throws in more gore and splatter than these movies usually have. Gore-ipedia includes a very stellar gunshot to the face, ocular trauma, sliced throats and a headshot. It's top notch FX and I couldn't help but applaud the effort.
However, at the end of the day the movie is a wicked slow slow slow burn. It takes so long to get to the nitty gritty that no Red Bulls were helping to keep me awake. I understand it's suppose to be this way but Satanic and occult movies are my weakest link within horror and I'll admit, I do not like style over substance. The House of the Devil is filled with these cliches of BOO! scares and unseen carnage. Though as an older horror fan, I am not easily scared as I use to be and as the jaded viewer, I demand to see something substantial and not the repackaged same old same old.
That's not to say the film isn't effective in what it was trying to do. Kudos to West and the entire cast for pulling off an impressive homage to the girl meets devil genre. It's brilliant in bringing back that longing for a movie you'd see at 2am on Channel 11 (WPIX in NYC).
So with that, it's a touch of grey for The House of the Devil. It's got its moments and it's got its long moments. Like a magic eye painting, you'll be waiting for the blurry mess of color to turn into a sailboat. Some people will focus and see the sailboat. Others, like myself wait for hours for that damn sailboat. Hell, sometimes you don't see a sailboat at all.
Nude-ipedia
Nada. These aren't the droids you're looking for.
WTF moment
Gunshot to the face. Didn't see that coming.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Going back on the metaphor I mentioned before, The House of the Devil is a reheated frozen dinner. You've eaten it before and it pretty much tastes the same. But sometimes, if you haven't had that same meal in a while, it tastes a little better. Right? Know what I mean?
The House of the Devil comes out on October 30th in a limited release. You can actually watch it on Amazon.com Video In Demand right now.
This is Ti West's 4th film.
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Check out the trailer.
jaded viewer related linkage:
Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes
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the house of the devil, the house of the devil review , the house of the devil trailer , top horror movie 2009, satan occult movies, horror blog
