Kidnapped (Review)

Kidnapped

Kidnapped aka Secuestrados (2011)

Directed by Miguel Ángel Vivas

I've always thought the home invasion film is one of the most terrifying genres in all of horror. I mean the reason why is pretty obvious. It realistically could happen. That's terrifying as shit right?

Lots of movies have been made about this and I've seen a lot of them. Them (aka Ils), The Strangers, Inside and Funny Games are all the notables. When I first saw Michael Haneke's Funny Games, I'll admit I was blown away. Vicious violence and Haneke's attempt to chide us and ask if we were desensitized to it all was revolutionary. Now we're given yet another home invasion film that's just as nihilistic and unrelenting as Funny Games and one has to ask why?

Vivas's Kidnapped is a Spanish import that puts the audience uncomfortably close to a home invasion playing in real time and let's us squirm as a family is robbed, tortured and terrorized. It's pure cinematic wickedness as Vivas employs only a few cuts/edits and instead hovers the camera around the action as it plays. It's a damn eerie and effective technique, one where audience has nowhere to escape but feel as terrorized as this family.

But the problem with Kidnapped lies not in it's dread or viciousness but in it's characters. Our family are ridiculously badly drawn: Dad is inept, Mom is too houswifey and daughter seems like a spoiled brat. The bad guy's don't fair either. I'm going to use a Miami Heat analogy that may or may not work to explain their dumb-ititude.

In the end Kidnapped will shock the shit out of you (that ending will stick in your mind like a splinter) but says nothing of why violence fascinates us. Kidnapped is awesome style, but little substance and stands on the lower ladder of the home invasion genre. It's also why I disliked The Strangers so much. I need more than "Because you were home".

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Three hooded Eastern-European criminals burst into a home in a Madrid gated community, holding the family hostage in its own home, and forcing the father to empty his credit cards.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's get that pesky plot out of the way. Innocent Spanish family has just moved into an awesome new home and they display all those qualities of rich families I despise. Dad is mega rich, Mom is all into house wife duties and the daughter wants to party. When 3 ski masked criminals invade their home, they are abused and fucked up. Dad is forced to get PINs for all his credit cards and driven out into the city and take out the max from ATMs. Meanwhile, mom and daughter are guarded into a sense of home invasion normalcy.

Later, unexpected visitors ring that damn doorbell and get caught in the mix. It's up to our fearless duo to make sure their master heist goes according to plan. The camera work here is utterly flawless. The shots hover like a guardian angel, we peek in from scene to scene with no cutting whatsoever. Violence becomes almost dreamlike. In one scene where our girls try to escape, the terror is amplified by a Vivas technique where he goes split screen and we see the action take place simultaneously. It's damn effective revealing the horror of both scenes. My eye wandered to the criminals as I knew I'd see mega fuckedupness on their end.

It's this style that is suspenseful and draws an eager viewer into this hellish world that's taking place. Kidnapped is paced so well that it's a testament to the actors and actresses to get all their dialogue, motions, etc all accomplished without any cuts. You really do admire this type of cinema as its exhilarating to watch.

Let me go into that Miami Heat analogy. When one goes into home invasion as a criminal activity you'd think the 3 of them would be on the same page. Let's break them down with their Heat counterparts.

Master Chief Criminal: Wade

We have a leader who is the one takes the dad around town maxing out his cards. You'd think this guy could be able to handle his crew but you'd be wrong. He's doesn't have the pulse of his team and seems to be a useless kind of leader. But you get the feeling he's gonna put a dagger through your heart and come up with a Wade like game winning bucket.

Petty Criminal Crazy Guy: LeBron

OK this guy is kinda nuts. He goes all crazy and almost goes all Lebron in the 4th quarter. The entire heist was in jeopardy because of his actions. He goes all murdery on a inspector and decides to "SVU" the daughter. He's totally the muscle of the crew but definitely a total choker...you know like Lebron.

Petty Criminal Morality Guy: Bosh

This guy has a total change of heart and feels bad that Lebron guy is totally fucking up everybody and is out of control. Like Bosh, he's the 3rd fiddle and he brings absolutely nothing to the game. If you're recruiting for a home invasion, you need soldiers willing to do anything to get the job done. They brought Morality Bosh Guy. And he's a fuckin pussy.

So there you have it. Your Big Three master criminals. The master plan is completely flawed. How much can one really max out from an ATM machine to get a big score? Not a helluva alot I would imagine. Home invasions are bash and dash. You get in, you loot and you get out. But these guys are having a fuckin sleepover. Plus their team isn't as solid as one might think with a bad captain, a crazy guy and a wuss.

If it wasn't for Wade guy saving the day, they'd have lost to the damn Cleveland Cavaliers family. In every home invasion movie, the family always tries to fight back or escape. And sure our family does here. I'd take the argument that summoning up courage is hard to do when you fear for your life. But one has to make sure when they are fighting back, you actually defeat your enemy. I like to think in a way that the family was only up by 2 pts and thought they had won the game. That's when Amazing happens.

Kidnapped's characters are just not at all interesting and the logic is a little off. The style as I said was spectacular but the substance of what this nihilistic journey was for is lacking. In Funny Games, Haneke broke the 4th wall and talked to the audience and asked us what WE WOULD DO. It seemed that Haneke wanted to provoke the audience and ask why we want to see the violence and when he REWINDS the action, we're even more thrilled. There is a message within Funny Games with its clean cut villains and the quagmire they give the family.

In Kidnapped, it's all glitz and glamour. Oh we see our big 3 wreak havoc, we see the dazzling dunks of gore and splatter and a game winning shot and I enjoyed seeing this mayhem. But it didn't really give me anything to talk about after seeing it. I didn't come away with something that might be thought provoking or worthwhile.

Kidnapped gives you a taste of home invasion genre, the life and death struggle but doesn't have a conceptual theme of what we just saw. It's nihilism for nihilism's sake and sometimes that's all you get.

Nude-ipedia

Daughter has serious cleavage issues

Gore-ipedia

Sliced throats
Gunplay
SVU action
If I told you more, the movie might be spoiled

WTF moment

The ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I know Kidnapped is high on many Top 10 lists and it will get an honorable mention from me in mine. I expect more from my home invasion and I got what I expected. European imports usually have both style and substance. I'm kinda shocked Kidnapped didn't have the latter.

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

The Innkeepers (Review)

The Innkeepers

The Innkeepers (2011)

Directed by Ti West

There is a king of the slow burn horror movie and his name is Ti West. West, who's filmography includes The Roost, Cabin Fever 2 and The House of Devil has made a name for himself in the methodically paced horror movie. I was not a fan of this in The House of the Devil writing:

"However, at the end of the day the movie is a wicked slow slow slow burn. It takes so long to get to the nitty gritty that no Red Bulls were helping to keep me awake."

However, in The Innkeepers the slow burn has hills and valleys and surprisingly has humor in it filled with cleverisms and pop culturisms that rescue it from being engulfed in eternal boredom. It dabbles in LOLs while fine tuning a ghost story as it's central premise. What you get is a fun, mish mash of amateur ghost hunter hipsters making contact with the ethereal plain which slowly evolves The Innkeepers into a non laughing matter.

The Innkeepers is smart enough to know it's audience and by doing so gives us an old fashioned spooky throwback ghost story that balances the line between being cute and scary. The characters are drones, the guests are odd and the ghosts are cliched visual jump scares. With all the said, I still had a few problems with West's lack of a firepower ending and his overabundance to drag the movie into zzzzzzzzzzz territory but some things can be overlooked when I'm having fun.

But I'm all for the nostalgia for my vintage Poltergeists for the new millennium. The Innkeepers could be Generation X's's answer to that 80s classic.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

After over one hundred years of service, The Yankee Pedlar Inn is shutting its doors for good. The last remaining employees - Claire (Sara Paxton) and Luke (Pat Healy)- are determined to uncover proof of what many believe to be one of New England's most haunted hotels. As the Inn’s final days draw near, odd guests check in as the pair of minimum wage “ghost hunters” begin to experience strange and alarming events that may ultimately cause them to be mere footnotes in the hotel’s long unexplained history.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

When you do a supernatural horror movie, you can possibly go one of two ways. You can go all LOLs or you could go deadly serious. It seems Ti West elected to do both. In The Innkeepers, Claire (Sara Paxton) and Luke (Pat Healy) are hotel worker drones who man the Yankee Pedlar Inn (in CT) for one last weekend before it goes out of business. There is a history of dread, as the hotel has a legend of Madeline O'Malley, whose death in a cellar has caused her to haunt this now defunct hotel.

The movie revolves around the dynamic of our hipster duo. Luke documents the history of his paranormal workplace on a website while Claire is in awe of a famous old timey actress (who she adores) that has checked into the hotel. Both are realistic drones who burn their boredom away with clever dialogue, actual job duties, beer and a search for scientific proof of the supernatural.

Staying at the hotel 24/7, they take shifts but at night, Claire goes all Fox Mulder and starts hearing the creeks and squeaks of something not right. It's here West goes all slow burn, hovering above Claire as she searches the remnants of a hotel (sometimes in full daylight) other times in the dead of night. Sara Paxton has a mesmerizing quality that made me buy into her performance. Claire is an asthmatic, everyday girl whose ambition has slowly died away. Paxton's performance is quirky stellar, similar to that of the cutout of a "hot gamer girl" but in this case "hot ghost hunter girl".

Pat Healy's Luke is goofball lovable. He's the horror geek, bad at web design, obsessed with the supernatural and possibly infatuated with his partner in crime. And his performance is not condescending to us horror hipsters at all. I could easily call these characters my friends.

But West wants to make sure that you get just enough haha's before he unleashes his House of the Devil style slow burn jump scares. And don't worry you get some eerie buildup of falsehoods and glimpses of either hallucinations, dreams or actual paranormal phenomenon. The fact that it's vague is part of the charm all the way to the end. It's almost a perfect film in how the atmosphere gets built up (a lost art in my opinion) and a perfect blueprint feature resembling those viral Internet videos with the "actual ghost footage" that leads to a growly scream of a "ghost" that usually scares the shit out of you.

My gripes, though few, are the things I originally said about House/Devil. I appreciate the false alarms but they take fuckin a Lord of the Rings trilogy to get there. Other characters such as Leanne Rease-Jones (played by Kelly McGillis) is the equivalent of the guy who always knows about the legend. Leanne plays a healer/medium who senses danger but elects to stay at the creepy hotel anyway. A few more guests make appearances but none add to the overall film.

Finally, I still don't think Ti West knows how to end a film. With such buildup, one demands an ending which can hold up the entire movie. Instead, West goes all conventional and I was a bit disappointed. I'm not looking for some M. Night Shalatwisters, but it still felt a little flat.

But as I said before The Innkeepers is damn fuckin smart. Characters react as I thought I would react, they get nervous, stammer and crack jokes like I would. Call me a horror hipster too. I'm not ashamed. The Innkeepers is a Generation X ode to the horror ghost story that younglings will like but keep us hardcore aged horror fanatics on our toes. I love my nostalgia not remade but repackaged in original creative tales. Ti West has finally made a movie I liked, nay loved. That's a first.

The slow burn horror king has built a kingdom with a unique style, flair and has a treasure room of all those very familiar cliches. Sometimes royalty shares the wealth with the people and Ti West does just that. Hopefully the 99% will see The Innkeepers for the gem that it is.

Nude-ipedia

Sara Paxton shows some leg (she's so damn cute!)

WTF moment

The first encounter with Madeline O'Malley

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Innkeepers will premiere on Video in Demand on December 30th, 2011. It'll be in theaters on February 3rd, 2012 courtesy of Magnet Releasing. The film is in conjunction with Dark Sky Films and Larry Fessenden's Glass Eye Pix.

The Innkeepers is definitely going to find a place on my Top 10 of 2011 list. If you're looking for a quality old fashioned spookster, this is the perfect film.

The Vitals

• Facebook Page

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

Sweatshop (Review)

Sweatshop

Sweatshop (2009)

Directed by Stacy Davidson

"It's always the quiet ones that cut your dick off while you're not looking"

-Token black guy DJ

It's rare to see a film that takes the slasher formula and hammers in the gore relentlessly. If there is one thing that nails this down, it's Sweatshop, a splatter soaked gore-o-thon that gives us sex, beats and a big fuckin sledgehammer.

Director Stacy Davidson and writer Ted Geoghegan clearly went for the jugular in this film. I'll get to the gore in a second but the cast of characters who we'll get to meet are the anti-Hollywood Hollister/American Eagle bunch of white people. They're ravers/punk rockers/crustycore motley crew sorta bunch and kudos to the costume department for making them all stand out in their own way.

A few plot points are scattered around, a few LOLs dabbled in but the gorehounds will rejoice when "The Beast" and his banshee she-demons get their kill on. It's the gore and splatter that drives Sweatshop, make no doubt about it. It's not reinventing the slasher genre but it's making sure the definition is being 100% adhered to.

Sweatshop's The Beast is a slasher even Thor would be scared of.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of friends break into an abandoned factory in order to throw a impromptu party; unaware that it is not as empty as they originally believed.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I review every slasher flickwith my handy jaded viewer slasher checklist. Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Sweatshop achieve everything on this list?

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check. The Beast's backstory is never told, we don't even know why he wants to kill these glow stick motherfuckers. He's got a pimp fur coat and a welding mask and his fuckin large...like Butterbean large. I'm going to assume he's an inbred redneck as that's what I always assume.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Definite check. The raver-tastic Krystal Freeman who plays Lolli shows us her lovely lovelies (that's boobs) and it's mucho fantastico. Top it off with a sex scene with a fat guy and..... ::shivers::

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check. Clearly there's a final girl in here somewhere. We have Charlie, the greedy raver in charge, Scottyboy the mohawk sex fiend, Wade the hillbilly, Jade the malicious vixen, Lolli the slut, Miko the other slut and a token black DJ.

4.) No Plot?

Check. Kids have a rave in an abandoned warehouse where a Thor envy slasher kills them. What more you want?

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. I'll say that they went old school with this one.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hammer frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. Top notch over the top gore in this one. Severed heads via a hedge clipper, sliced heads via machetes, entrails and intestines ripped out and many many many splatter inducing, modified sledge hammer wallops that result in pancake ravers. Ocular trauma, penis trauma, hand trauma, neck trauma...there be a whole shitload of fuckin trauma in this.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Nope. Nothing. Nada. Nobody really takes charge. Everybody fends for themselves. Bunch of savages in this town.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

There are a few jokes that made me chuckle but overall it's the final rave scene at the end where The Beast goes exterminator on the raver "roaches" that had me laughing.

9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Nope.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Check.

************************************************************

Sweatshop isn't the most creative slasher movie but it's the most bloodiest one I've seen in a while. It's got its gimmicks (ravers doing ravy things) and a masked slasher with a weapon that would make Jason Voorhees jealous. The characters are your standard cardboard cutouts of not white teen suburbia but cutouts of what we think ravers dress and act like. I mean they had them drinking and smoking weed...but not doing meth or taking E? WTF?

By the end of the first hour, the body count is quite high and your waiting to see what the hell will happen in the final 30. And I'll admit it doesn't disappoint. It's a crazy gore soaked ending.

I've always said that if you have gratuitous nudity, some semi interesting characters and a formidable killing machine, you've made a decent slasher film in my book.

You may not have expected it, but Sweatshop cuts off a good solid dick.

Gore-ipedia

See checklist item #6

Nude-ipedia

Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous

WTF moment

That hammer is seriously pimped out

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Sweatshop is being distributed via Screen Media Films and was released on DVD September 13th. Sarah Jahier of Fatally Yours has a quote on the DVD box (which peaked my interest in watching this) and a Bloody Disgusting and Dread Central gave good reviews.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Like Sweatshop on Facebook!
• Follow Sweatshop on Twitter!
  

Rating:
1/2


Check out the trailer.

Strigoi (Review)

Strigoi



Strigoi (2009)



Directed by Faye Jackson



I don't get it.



Every other reviewer seems to think this was a creative and unique take on the old Romanian legend that spawned the vampire. Maybe I have ADD and can't stand long, boring scenes of nothing. Maybe I don't get the humor in this. Maybe I don't understand why Romanians speak English. Maybe I don't get the fact the film is goofing around with a generational gap.



Maybe I just don't get this flick.





Boring Plot-O-Matic

Podoleni Village may seem like a typical Eastern European town, but when a young local named Vlad goes searching for his grandfather’s runaway dog, he uncovers a mysterious death. As Vlad digs deeper into the possible murder mystery, his trail leads him to the Tirescus — an ex-Communist couple who happen to be the richest landowners in town. Though Vlad is determined to confront the Tirescus, his quest takes a sudden detour when he learns that the two bullies may be bloodsuckers in more ways than one…

Strigoi: The Undead is a Vampire movie that defies categorization. Shedding a fantastic light on a post-Communist Romanian village, the film introduces us to an ancient myth: Strigoi, the belief that people who’ve been wronged can rise again after death to seek justice and satisfy their thirst for blood. A deeply human take on an old horror story, this dark comedy explores the old world versus the new and delves into the heart of modern Romania.

Awesome Review-O-Matic



Faye Jackson's Strigoi is a British indie flick that uses the old Romanian legend of "strigoi" to get back the vampire to its roots. The central character Vlad is a young 20-ish hipster and former med student who's looking for guidance in his life. Returning to his hometown in Romania, he encounters his mom, grandpappy and a cast of townies who have a secret that they are trying to cover up.



Filled with slight goofy humor as the strigoi infiltrate the lives of Vlad, his family and the town, none if it really clicked for me. Lots of 'logue filled with generational gap humor and investigative protocol. I probably wasn't really paying attention but if the movie were interesting, I'd be on alert. None of the humor was very funny and none of the scenes were remotely memorable.



The monsters weren't really that terrifyingly funny. And running at 106 minutes, you need a good pace to keep somebody like me interested.



Maybe I missed the point, the humor and whatever was going on in this flick. I'm just going to mark it as a gap in my jaded viewer memory.



The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis



The movie is being released via Breaking Glass Pictures on their Vicious Circle Label. These may not be the vampires you're looking for. Move along.



The Vitals

• The official site

Rating:

1/2 a



Here's the trailer.

Stake Land (Review)

Stake Land



Stake Land (2011)



Directed by Jim Mickle



When I saw the trailer for Jim Mickle's Stake Land, I have to say I got excited. Mickle's Mulberry Street to me is one of the best films to come out of the lame-o After Dark Horrorfests. So after tackling zombies, the next logical step has to be vampires right?



Stake Land draws a world of post apocalyptic America filled with non sparkly vampires and religious extremism taken to it's most extreme. Comparisons to The Road meets the Walking Dead meets Red State have to be made. And these are all good things in an above average flick. Characters come first in Stake Land, with eerie scenes of a wrinkled and abandoned America coming in second and finally fight scenes coming in at bronze.



There are no 3D gimmicks or star power to drive Stake Land. That's the beauty of a straight forward genre piece by Mickle. You're here to enjoy the road trip of these rag tag strangers who are looking for the mystical New Eden. Like in all road trips, you're going to get bored a few times along the way and Stake Land does suffer from stretches of boring nothingness. Not even a hint of dialogue to get more character development.



But clearly you have to take the good with the bad. Stake Land is a safe bet, a sunny day in a world of the bloody thirsty.



Boring Plot-O-Matic



Martin was a normal teenage boy before the country collapsed in an empty pit of economic and political disaster. A vampire epidemic has swept across what is left of the nation's abandoned towns and cities, and it's up to Mister, a death dealing, rogue vampire hunter, to get Martin safely north to Canada, the continent's New Eden.



Awesome Review-O-Matic



No extensive review here. I'm sure you can browse through the IMDB external reviews to get what you need about plot and such. I'm going to just give you a few thoughts on the film via list form because well I can't come up with coherent sentences.

• Mister (Nick Damici) is one badass vampire motherfuckin hunter. A tough guy's tough guy. No jokey slayer. Nuff said.
• Martin is Daniel-son, padwan and youngling. I like how the opening credits are a freakin training montage.
• Their one man wolfpack includes: a nun, the lovely pregnant Danielle Harris and a Marine brotha
• I loved the backdrops of burnt out cars, houses and vampires hanging on ropes. Just great post apocalyptic scenery bordering on a Hollywood set design. This might not be to far off from the real America.
• Jebedia and the Brotherhood seems like a extreme satire on all that is Republican religious right wing nutzoids. I know these people actually exist but in Stake Land they come out as a crazy cult bent on survival. It seem to unbelievable to me but I'll give it a pass
• The American government and military seem so half ass in a vampire apocalyptic world. I would hope they wouldn't fold this easy.
• The father-son relationship between Mister and Martin is solid, pretty much the driving force of the flick.
• The action scenes are straightforward. Gunshots, slicing and dicing, stake through the hearts, yada yada yada.
  
  
• Who dies first...the nun or the brotha?
• The final battle is sad and sadder and saddest
  
  
• The ending is clearly a nod to all zombie flick endings

Stake Land is indie horror with a precision pulse on the genre. A lot of indie films try to emulate a post apocalyptic world be it zombies or vampires but Stake Land is one of the few that does it right. It's a little slow at times, yes even boring at points, the characters aren't totally flushed out, a few hiccups with the plot and story but all are minor grievances in an otherwise fresh take on the vampire run amok genre.



I can only guess where Mickle will go next. Maybe werewolves? How about a regular slasher flick? Maybe even a killer shark. I can see Mickle headed towards some big budget remake and I'm praying that doesn't happen.



That would be a stake right through my fuckin heart.



Nude-ipedia



Nada



Gore-ipedia



Your standard stuff



WTF moment



Danielle Harris.....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis



The movie is now out on DVD via IFC Films. I'm sure you can Netflix it or whatever. It's a good solid 140 min and has a few themes running through it for the more intellectual horror fan. You'll definitely leave feeling like you've seen a solid horror flick.



The Vitals

• The official site

Rating:





Trailer

Help get Before The Mask: The Return of Leslie Vernon made!

The best horror movie of 2007 needs your help for a sequel and from the synopsis it looks pretty interesting. Leslie Vernon wants to do a Part 2 and as you can see in the video below he needs your help to get it done.



By pre-ordering the BluRay/DVD and buying other stuff, YOU THE VIEWER help the film get made and ensure a sequel can be greenlit. BTM: The Return of Leslie Vernon is one of the best slasher mockumentaries in recent years and for them to follow up with a sequel would be insanely awesome. By PRE-ORDERING the movie, you help to get it made.



It's funny because just recently I wrote up this post about filmmakers bribing us for money and now I'm considering actually donating to get this made. Just like Indie GoGo and Kickstarter, there is a donation structure with the most expensive being:

• GET KILLED IN THE MOVIE! That's right every horror fans' wet dream come true! Air trans & hotel incl. Seriously low on avail. Limit 1 per person!: $7,500
  
  
  
  
• OWN LESLIE VERNON'S OUTFIT SCYTHE & MASK! The Ultimate B4TM collector's item! VFX will make 3 that Nathan Baesel will wear during filming: $5,000

I never said these sites were a bad thing, though I questioned the ridiculous donation structures to get the fans cash. But now I can see the benefits of such a venture. I may just buy the Blu-ray to help support the film.



There has been lots of talk of supporting indie horror. This is as supportive as you can be.



Head over to the official Facebook site for more info.

HELP LESLIE VERNON RISE FOR A SEQUEL!

Exit 33 (Review)

Exit 33



Exit 33 (2011)



Directed by Tommy Brunswick



Really? $20 to fill up a tank of gas?



Clearly this film takes place in bizarro world. Exit 33 is not a good movie. To say it's a piece of crap is to insult crap. I mean that poster says it all doesn't it? Kane Hodder and his menacing stare armed with a tire iron? This is the best you got for this man?



Sigh.



What could have been a Hodder Hatchet-like performance turns to crap. Exit 33 is the equivalent of Rebecca Black's "Friday" but with dead bodies. Let me use her lyrics to illustrate this:



[Verse 1]



7am, waking up in the morning

Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs

Gotta have my jerky, gotta have it smoked

Seein’ everything, the time is goin’

Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’

Gotta get down to the gas stop

Gotta kill some babes, I see my customers



Kickin’ in the front seat

Sittin’ in the back seat

Gotta make my mind up

Which girl can I kill?



[Chorus]



It’s Hodder, Hodder

Gotta get down with Hodder

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin

Hodder, Hodder

Gettin’ down with Hodder

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin



Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)

Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)

Fun, fun, fun, fun

Lookin’ forward to the Hodder



[Verse 2]



7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway

Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly

Fun, fun, think about fun

You know what it is

I got this, you got this

My friend is by my right

I got this, you got this

Now you know it



Kickin’ in the front seat

Sittin’ in the back seat

Gotta make my mind up

Which girl can I kill?



[Chorus]



It’s Hodder, Hodder

Gotta get down with Hodder

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin

Hodder, Hodder

Gettin’ down with Hodder

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin



Gettin’ down on Hodder

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend



Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)

Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)

Fun, fun, fun, fun

Lookin’ forward to the Hodder



Yesterday was a blonde girl, Thursday was a black girl

Today i-is brunette, Hodder (killin’)

We-we-we so excited

We so excited

We gonna have a ball today



Tomorrow is some random dudes

And Sunday comes after...wards (killin a hipster)

I don’t want this weekend to end



I won't include the rap verse. Wasn't that painful? Now you know.



Boring Plot-O-Matic



A few miles off Exit 33 lies Ike’s Last Chance Gas, an old, forgotten hideaway where the reclusive Ike pumps gas and practices his taxidermy skills. Though he might come across as a simple soul, Ike has a dark secret: he’s obsessed with women who have enchanting eyes — eyes he wants to keep for himself. Now, as four friends make their way to their 5-year high school reunion, they all make the mistake of taking Exit 33, and they won’t be making it back to the highway any time soon.



Awesome Review-O-Matic



I decided to tweet out my thoughts as I watched and hit up a couple of awesome horror bloggers Fred from Full Moon Reviews, Matt from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, CTK from Planet of Terror and Geof at The Man Cave. Here our a few of their tweets surrounding the most important portions of the flick.



INITIAL THOUGHTS



fredthewolf: It's not a good flk at all. Hodder is the best part about it. I was bored watching it.



Mattsuzaka: It's not, but it's slightly entertaining in its ineptitude. I enjoyed it as a low-level B-Movie, that's about it (and) when I saw it had a 2.8 on IMDB, I had a good idea what I was in for!



realmancave: if you haven't watched Exit 33 yet, you are luckier than me.



THE CUSTOMERS



So Kane has kills because his dead wife tells him to or some such nonsense. However, nobody notices and Ike seems to get a ton of customers. This is summed up nicely by Matt and Fred in a few tweets.



Mattsuzaka: You have to wonder how this dude gets so much business when he certainly isn't getting repeat costumers!



fredthewolf:And no one ever wonders about the abandoned cars that park on the same spot of the road. Sigh...



THE DRIVING SCENES



Speaking of the road, the driving scenes are LOL bad.



fredthewolf: BTW, fave part were the driving scenes. Haven't seen backgrounds that good since Airplane!



planetofterror: that movie is so fucking terrible. Worst green screen scenes ever.



THE HODDER



But the reason we all watch this is for the Hodder. But it seemed like Kane was really giving much effort on this film. Here are mine and Geof's tweets on Kane's performance.



jadedviewer: I'm watching exit 33. Kodder is like giving it 13 percent effort in this flk.



jadedviewer: This Kane Hoddef flk is the "4 the paycheck" equivalent of Tony Todd doing those final destination flks



jadedviewer: Kane is just randomly punching women in the face. This should be a sitcom



jadedviewer:Kane's trademarked menacing stare just made a cameo! Oh wait his face is always like that



realmancave: Kane from WWE would have mailed in a better performance than Kane Hodder.





THE BATHROOM



More killin ensues via ocular trauma, slice and dice (you figure out where he the jerky comes from) and then our final girl shows up. This then gives our first look at the bathroom which has no stall doors, is covered in blood and filth and shit and doesn't have toilet paper!



Mattsuzaka: It reminded me of a time when I had to take a shit at a bar during a metal concert. The stall didn't have a door. That was scarier than Exit 33. Well, except for the crappy gas quality.



fredthewolf: Yeah, she was pretty hot. But I'm not into girls who use shitty toilets without paper on the seat 1st.



Suffice it to say, the only way you can get through a horrible film like this is to RiffTrax/MST3K it with some horror blogging friends. Exit 33 is boring, dull and a waste of the Hodder. If only they auto-tuned it, maybe it would have turned out better.



Nude-ipedia



A sex scene with clothes on is not acceptable under any circumstances for a horror movie



Gore-ipedia



Tom Savini is spinning in his grave (oh wait he's alive)



WTF moment



Kane punches women in the face...randomly



The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis



The movie is now out on DVD via Breaking Glass Pictures horror arm Vicious Circle Films. If you need to worship the Hodder, watch it. All others don't exit on Exit 33. I gave it 1/2 a spinkick because my review is awesome because of this crappy film.



The Vitals

• The official site
• Read Chuck Norris Ate My Baby Review of Exit 33
• Read Full Moon Reviews Review of Exit 33
• Follow Matt on Twitter
• Follow Fred on Twitter
• Follow Geof on Twitter
• Follow CTK on Twitter
  
  

Rating:

1/2 a



Check out the trailer.

Asylum Seekers (Review)

Asylum Seekers

Asylum Seekers (2009)

Directed by Rania Ajami

Lock me up and throw away the key.

Now this movie was tons of crazy fun. And when I say crazy, its literally crazy. Rania Ajami's Asylum Seekers is a film I haven't seen....well ever. It's like seeing a collage of crazy and making sense of it all. It's not going to be easy but your damn pesky brain tries.

Asylum Seekers is like Terry Gilliam's Brazil but in a mental institution. It's full wacky characters, surreal sets and live neuroses blended into a slushee of awesomeness. As the jaded viewer, the name exemplifies I've seen it all and nothing on screen will surprise me. But then comes along Asylum Seekers and makes some addictive dopamine that gives my brain a happy.

Asylum Seekers is a black comedy that takes you into the world of the surreal. It's the equivalent of tripping on acid, getting stoned, doing shrooms and drinking a cold glass of lemonade on a hot summer day. While totally whacked out of your mind, you may have no idea why your naked and feeding hard boiled eggs to a statue of a seal, but you know you're having fun. That's the same feeling you get watching this film.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Work, deadlines, family, terrorism, information overload... As modern life pushes the world to the brink of madness, six strangers decide there’s only one sane response: head through the door marked EXIT. It leads to a deluxe, exclusive, luxuriously-appointed mental asylum where a staff will wait on them hand and foot for the rest of their carefree lives. The problem? The asylum has only one vacancy. Now, the group of would-be patients will have to prove who among them is truly most deranged. Of course, not everything in the asylum is as it seems, and as the applicants turn themselves over for evaluation, they learn that the insanity has just begun.

Director Rania Ajami’s boldly original feature-length debut is a surreal black comedy that questions the ways we define what is normal and what is not. Asylum Seekers takes its characters – and the audience – deep into the rabbit hole to a place where sanity is not an option.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Our six insane in the membrane lunatics are all vying for a chance for that comfy bed and a place in The Asylum. They all each have unique disorders that cry out for help. We have Paul "the evangelical nihilist," Maude "the trophy mouse wife," Alan "the gender bender refuge", Alice "the cybernetic Lolita", Miranda "the introverted exhibitionist" and Raby, "the virgin nymphomaniac". Each member will be judged during their time in the asylum by Nurse Millie and her staff plus Dr. Beard, the all knowing honcho who echoes his voice through loudspeakers planted all over the building.

Now in a contest to claim the spot, each of the contestants wrestles with their neuroses with each other, with the staff and in a room of curiosity. Later, they duel out in a mock American Idol competition with stage performances and concoct their own plans to narrow down the competition. But what's a mental institution without loading up their patients full of drugs and experimenting on their subconscious by turning their heads into animals right?

It's just this amount of wacky that echoes an Alice in Wonderland style of eccentricity that makes the movie all out bonkers. What stands out are the production sets that are a saturation of vivid reds and greens and blues. Each room is unique from a mild mannered tile bathroom, to a makeshift bar to a waiting room where you well....wait. The costumes are each a delight when mixed in with the background. Alice our compu-nerd-holic (played by super hottie Stella Maeve) cosplays an awesome Sailer Moon outfit with a yellow tie. Miranda glows in green and Alan in super duper pink. It's a clash and contrast of rainbow visuals that makes for a stellar dreamlike quality. M&Ms meets Inception.

The cast does a stellar job of showing off the crazy. The movie focuses on Raby and Maude later in the flick and shows off some back story for each character. However, with such an ensemble like this, I'd like to have seen all our patients stories when they were on the outside. Being crazy in an asylum is one thing, but being nuts on the outside is like infinity times better.

And now we come down to the jokes. There are a few one liner zingers that had me cracking up "How do you have 0.4 kids?" Most of the LOLs and Hahas work but other's don't. There are moments of zzzzzzzzz and a few jokes that are clearly out of place. As much as I like completely banana characters, some of the musical numbers, dance numbers and one act numbers probably would have been funny in an off off off Broadway play.

But those are nitpicks to an otherwise insanely LEGEN wait for it DARY film. From impromptu karoake singing to oversized animal heads, Asylum Seekers might be the box office juggernaut in Wonderland. It has a hint of romanticism, a dash of wackiness, a nutmeg of linear saneness and a smidge of twisty twizzlers. I honestly have never seen anything like it and for that I'm glad. Ajami's first feature length film is a blast of creativity and fun. I'm looking forward to what she will do next.

A comedy like this needs to be seen. It has some of the most bizarre and WTF moments and like a hypnotic spell it's mesmerizing to watch just to see what would happen next. To put it another way, Asylum Seekers is exactly what I think a Lady Gaga dream looks like.

Nude-ipedia

I thought I saw side boobage. It could have just been porn I was looking at before I saw this film.

Gore-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment

Dr. Beard is revealed

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The movie comes out on August 30th via Breaking Glass Pictures. It's about 90 minutes of the most shock therapy happy you'll get this year. I didn't have big expectations going into seeing Asylum Seekers but it totally blew me away.

I'm now picking up the pieces.

It may take some time but Asylum Seekers is bound for cult classic status. Hopefully we all discover this sooner than later.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Breaking Glass Pictures
• Facebook Page
  

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Kickstarter/Indie GoGo: Are filmmakers bribing us for money?

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Closed for the Season (Review)

Closed for the Season

Closed for the Season

Directed by Jay Woelfel

Sometimes the poster is totally misleading. This is one of those times.

Eerie skull and the tagline "Welcome to the Carnival of Fear" make it seem like this amusement park is going to be your typical slasher ala Dark Ride. But it's not. What you get with Closed for the Season is an attempt to scare you with nostalgia.

It's not a full fledged horror film but more of a sprinkled thriller where two people reminisce about their time as kids at Chippewa Lake amusement park. Seemingly trapped they encounter the memories of the park in horrific ways. Later, they encounter a carny who guides them to partake in all the rides but for a price.

Because this is a low budget flick, the limitations are front and center. From roller coaster CGI to blood and gore effects you're going to get a rubber mask getting eye poked and you're going to have to deal with it. In the place of scares is lots of talking between Kristy (Aimee Brooks) and James (Damian Maffei) trying to figure out how to escape this supernatural park and the crazed carny (Joe Unger).

The only good comes from the backdrop of Chippewa Lake amusement park which is a real 30 year old amusement park that's been abandoned. From the old roller coaster, an old boat, rusty ferris wheel and a fun house, it brings about a sense of eerie that can't be production set created.

The rest of the film is a complete snoozefest. There is a sense of mystery between Kristy and James as the two have a sense of history told through childhood flashbacks. If the movie was trying to give us a sense of nostalgia for a time when younglings had the time of their lives at amusement parks and carnivals, it doesn't do a good job of making this apparent. Instead we get scene after scene of potential jump scares and cliched horror in a box.

Closed for a Season is a 2 hour (!) pseudo horror film that potentially could have been a scary flick with an abandoned amusement park as it's backdrop but they didn't put in a ride for the audience to scare us at all. And the purpose of the awesome rides like roller coasters is to get a fright and thrill for 2 minutes. That's a helluva rush. Instead we get a ferris wheel (which is our maxed out conclusion, how appropriate) and the viewer has ridden a ride of a film that did absolutely nothing.

That's just freakin boring.

Nude-ipedia

Nada

Gore-ipedia

Some squishy moments

WTF moment

Stupid ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The movie comes out August 23rd on VOD and DVD via MTI Home Video.

The Vitals

• The official site

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Press Release: Soska Sisters Dead Hooker in a Trunk released by IFC Midnight

Good news today for the Soska Sisters. After getting a UK release, Dead Hooker in a Trunk has finally hit the good ole US of A via IFC Midnight. It's long overdue for these awesome filmmakers. Check out the pres release below which has my quote in it as well (yay)

Also check out my review of the film. It's funny that I remember putting up this trailer 3 years ago (as the Soska Sisters will point out, this was one of the first amounts of hype for the film :-) ) and never thought I'd ever see it. But they sent me a screener and I was blown away. Hopefully you now all get the opportunity to see this little black humor piece of grindhousey horror film and have the same feeling as I did when I first saw it.

Check out the entire press release below.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK RELEASED BY IFC MIDNIGHT IN LIMITED THEATERS AND VOD

The Highly Anticipated Release of the Award Winning, Critically Acclaimed, Independent Hit, DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK!

WORLD PREMIERE -- AUGUST 3rd 2011 --

"You should check out DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK. They made it low budget and it's f*cking awesome. The violence is incredible and the stunts are fantastic." ~ Eli Roth, Director

After touring the film festival circuit and capturing the attention and adoration of critics and fans alike, the highly anticipated world release of the independent, cult classic in the making, grindhouse film DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK has finally arrived after making its UK and Australian release earlier in the year. DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK is being released through special midnight theatrical screenings in a limited release across the USA and Canada by IFC Midnight. Cities and theater information will be released soon. For those who can't wait to see it in theaters can see it early through VOD on August 3rd, 2011.

DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK, set in beautiful Vancouver, tells the story of four friends who set out on an everyday errand and end up in a fight for their lives when they discover the body of a dead hooker left in their trunk.

Lead by a sexy, impulsive Badass, her distant Geek twin sister, their bible thumping, Jesus loving Goody Two Shoes friend, and a chaotic, rock star Junkie pal, the group has to put aside their differences to dispose of the body before they're next. Thrown into their own personal purgatory, they face off against persistent police, a sleazy motel manager, chainsaw wielding triads, and a brutal serial killer. All the while they are followed by a mysterious Cowboy Pimp who wants to claim the corpse for his own.

Will they uncover the truth behind the body and be able to stand up to their demons? Buckle up and get ready for the ride of your life filled with gun fights, extreme violence, blood, guts, gore, and goats.

DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK is the debut feature film by Canadian Twin Filmmakers, Jen and Sylvia Soska, that has set the independent horror scene ablaze with excitement. The film and the filmmakers have captured the attention of Hostel director Eli Roth, Fangoria, Gorezone, Twitch Film, Rue Morgue, and many other profound voices in horror.

“Watching Dead Hooker in a Trunk is like having the best bare backing sex of your life while hopped up on junk with a fugly prostitute in a seedy motel room on the wrong side of town”
~ TWITCH Film

"Seriously, f*cking wow. I was totally hooked by the dialogue and the sheer where-the-f*ck-is-this-going-ness" of it all."
~ Gorezone

"A cult classic in the making and a hidden gem in indie film making."
~ The Jaded Viewer

"Wild, psychotic, funny, bloody, and strangely sexy opus."
~ Arrow In The Head

DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK has earned a substantial cult following and named onto several "Top Horror Film Of 2010" lists making it one of the most hyped and blogged about independent films of the year.

"Nearly every actor and actress who appeared on screen in DHiaT also served the film in other areas, from camera operators and stunt coordinators to editors and cinematographers. This film is a work of art, and it's a labor of love. Love from fans of horror, and of film in general, who took that love and put it to work, creating a film of their own. And the love and respect that these men and women have for the the genre, as well as for movies as a whole, is very evident throughout the entire film. This is how a movie is supposed to look, sound and feel!" ~ D'Ment'D Cinema

For more information, please check out the following sites or contact the Twisted Twins at their Official Site (http://www.twistedtwinsproductions.net/).

Twisted Twins Productions

IFC Midnight

Industry Works


Twisted Twins Productions is co-owned by film makers Jen and Sylvia Soska who bring you edgy dialogue, gore~geous effects, beautiful cinematography, and memorable characters, all for your viewing pleasure.

Their debut smash hit, DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK is only the beginning and the two are busy at work on their next project, AMERICAN MARY.

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