Savage (Review)

Savage

Savage (2009)

Directed by Jordan Blum

Savage is my 2nd movie I've watched from Fearmaker Studios. The first being Dismal which was to say the least, dismally bad. So when they threw in a creature feature into their lineup, I couldn't resist. I had to check out this SyFy knockoff. But then I realized who was in it!

The evil sensei from Karate Kid!
Alice from Nightmare on Elm Street 5!
A hot girl!
A Bigfoot with superpowers!

How could I resist watching this doozy of a film?

Savage makes a SyFy original movie look like a Hollywood blockbuster. It's not only that the characters are boring, the plot is laughable or Bigfoot is clearly taking HGH. It's that the movie is filled with scenes of people talking about a plot and subplots I didn't care about. I believe it was something about some forest fire, shady real estate deals, an armed robbery and a pregnant woman.

All I cared about was seeing a vicious Bigfoot killing and eating campers. And even that sucked.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A blazing fire rips its way through Bear Valley National Park. As the firefighters try to contain it, the animals are being forced out of their habitat including a beast that was better left undiscovered.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

You're getting a 5 question Q&A review. Deal with it.

1.) I heard Bigfoot knows muy thai and uses a revolver in this film. Is that true?

That would have made an interesting movie but he doesn't. He does seem to kill a lot of people, from firefighters, cops, criminals, scientists and a rogue hunter. He's the serial killer of missing link creatures.

2.) So does Bigfoot fly and have X-ray vision?

I wouldn't be surprised if he did. He's got super strength, can climb trees like a goddamn squirrel, be stealthy like a goddamn ninja and can get on a roof of a house in less than 5 seconds. He also likes tossing corpses through windows (something I enjoy as well)

3.) I heard this movie is about deforestation and how man has raped the natural world by building more highways and displacing animals from their habitats. So are there boobies in this?

Boobies are like vodka. I could get drunk on em. But the movie did introduce me to Anna Enger, a stunning beauty whose performance in this was quite good. She played the most lovable murderer I've seen in a while.

4.) You described the special effects in Dismal as: "The CGI fire and explosion look so fake, it's like they put a lighter in front of the camera." Are the CGI effects as bad in Savage?

The gore effects are pretty standard. Nothing a 3rd grader couldn't do with a couple of ketchup packets. There is an explosion in the end. They have to stop putting explosions in their films.

5.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

Yuppers. It seems we haven't seen the last of this ninja, steroid abusing Bigfoot.

Savage is just another horror cash in on the Sasquatch films. The thing about SyFy original movies is they've accepted the fact their creature features are cheesy and B-movie. One has to understand what they get into when they make a "When Animals Attack" type horror flick. If only they pitted muy thai Bigfoot vs a Shark with telekinesis powers. That would have been awesome.

Nude-ipedia

Negative Zero

Gore-ipedia

Your standard bloody blood
Animal trauma

WTF moment

Bigfoot's face closeup look like a mask from a 99 cents store

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Savage is being distributed via MTI Home Video. Watch at our own risk.

The Vitals

• The official site
  

Rating:


Check out the trailer below.

Closed for the Season (Review)

Closed for the Season

Closed for the Season

Directed by Jay Woelfel

Sometimes the poster is totally misleading. This is one of those times.

Eerie skull and the tagline "Welcome to the Carnival of Fear" make it seem like this amusement park is going to be your typical slasher ala Dark Ride. But it's not. What you get with Closed for the Season is an attempt to scare you with nostalgia.

It's not a full fledged horror film but more of a sprinkled thriller where two people reminisce about their time as kids at Chippewa Lake amusement park. Seemingly trapped they encounter the memories of the park in horrific ways. Later, they encounter a carny who guides them to partake in all the rides but for a price.

Because this is a low budget flick, the limitations are front and center. From roller coaster CGI to blood and gore effects you're going to get a rubber mask getting eye poked and you're going to have to deal with it. In the place of scares is lots of talking between Kristy (Aimee Brooks) and James (Damian Maffei) trying to figure out how to escape this supernatural park and the crazed carny (Joe Unger).

The only good comes from the backdrop of Chippewa Lake amusement park which is a real 30 year old amusement park that's been abandoned. From the old roller coaster, an old boat, rusty ferris wheel and a fun house, it brings about a sense of eerie that can't be production set created.

The rest of the film is a complete snoozefest. There is a sense of mystery between Kristy and James as the two have a sense of history told through childhood flashbacks. If the movie was trying to give us a sense of nostalgia for a time when younglings had the time of their lives at amusement parks and carnivals, it doesn't do a good job of making this apparent. Instead we get scene after scene of potential jump scares and cliched horror in a box.

Closed for a Season is a 2 hour (!) pseudo horror film that potentially could have been a scary flick with an abandoned amusement park as it's backdrop but they didn't put in a ride for the audience to scare us at all. And the purpose of the awesome rides like roller coasters is to get a fright and thrill for 2 minutes. That's a helluva rush. Instead we get a ferris wheel (which is our maxed out conclusion, how appropriate) and the viewer has ridden a ride of a film that did absolutely nothing.

That's just freakin boring.

Nude-ipedia

Nada

Gore-ipedia

Some squishy moments

WTF moment

Stupid ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The movie comes out August 23rd on VOD and DVD via MTI Home Video.

The Vitals

• The official site

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

The Frankenstein Syndrome (Review)

The Frankenstein Syndrome

The Frankenstein Syndrome (2010)

Directed by Sean Tretta

[screener provided by MTI Home Video]

There are preconceived notions when your film stars Tiffany Shepis. You expect lots of screaming and blood from our beautiful scream queen beauty. However surprisingly, The Frankenstein Syndrome tones down all those things.

Don't get me wrong. Tiffany looks hot in hospital scrubs, she screams and she gets blood on her but this film which starts off with Tiffany in a mask detailing her story to two FBI agents got my interest peaked initially. However, it lost me in the middle and then got it back towards the end.

It's an up and down ride for this film by Sean Tretta. Lots of inconsistency abound in this retelling of Mary Shelly's classic novel. But what it lacks in budget and in pacing it gets back in creativity. But at the end of the day it's an average sci-fi turned slasher flick that makes its mark by reworking the classic monster run amok. If you dig that ole story, you'll probably find this film interesting to say the least.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of researchers conducting illegal stem cell research discover a cell anomaly that has the potential to regenerate dead tissue. Unable to conduct legal human trials, the researchers turn to corpses to test their serum.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Tiffany is Dr. Elizabeth who joins a group of medical doctors who try to evolve stem cell research into ludicrousness. She quickly makes breakthroughs because she's mega smart and the team is resentful but equally impressed. As this is highly illegal research, they are funded by a world re known doc who's hired gangster henchmen to make sure everybody is scared shitless.

When one of their test subjects offs herself, they test the new developed serum to bring her back to life. Later David, one of henchman is sacrificed for the greater good and is also brought back to life with a more improved serum. He quickly heals, has psychic powers and can literally turn water into fruit punch.

But as the medical staff try to poke holes into our new Jesus guinea pig, he has other ideas which lead to chaos at the underground medical center. Dr. Liz is our final girl and has to survive against the new "monster" she's created.

Got all that?

Let's start off with Shepis. She is actually solid in this role, playing the doc with the moral dilemma and struggling to survive. It's a different role for our horror veteran and she makes the most out of it. Dr. Travelle (Patti Tindall), the group leader plays mother to the new more evolved super human David. David (Scott Anthony Leet) is clearly a conflicted monster and Leet does a decent job in this over the top role even reciting Shelly like prose as he passes judgement on the hospital staff.

But as the horror goes, it starts off with some bright ideas but never really follows through. The flick has ideas of what is right and wrong but focuses on going with the wrong and showing us the consequences. There is a lot of conversations that make up a bulk of the middle of the movie. This is where I kinda got bored. Had there been some monster craziness in the middle of the flick, we'd get more conflict from the monster vs the researchers and antagonism between the doctors themselves.

The Gore-ipedia is wicked cool as the red stuff gets sprayed all over. It's precision like beheadings, face-off wickedness but also your standard blood on walls. Coolest effect? Gunshots in the head.

The Frankenstein Syndrome takes the old classic, has it reworked by indie horror and bakes up a decent horror dessert. It's not the best thing you'll see this year but it's not the worst. The ending opens up some possibilities but you'll have to ride a roller coaster to get to it.

If your goal is to see every Tiffany Shepis flick (and boy she's in a lot of flicks) then add this one to the library. It's not your typical Shepis flick and for that it's definitely watchable.


Nude-ipedia

No Shepis nudity...BOOOOOO!

WTF moment

I wish I could turn water into fruit punch

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you think watching this film is the equivalent of reading Mary Shelly's book, you'd be wrong. Very wrong.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Facebook Page

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Fatal Secrets (Review)

Fatal Secrets

Fatal Secrets aka Balancing the Books (2009)

Directed by Meir Sharony

I'll admit I've watched my share of Lifetime Movies of the week. I've even documented it on this here site. So what? Are you judging me?

OK go ahead and judge because I recently watched another clone of these movies called Fatal Secrets. I wasn't expecting it to be a hardcore I Spit on your Grave rape and revenge nasty but maybe we'd see some psychological torture involved. But in the end it's a straight to cable sort of rape and revenge film that has some name stars in it.

Fatal Secrets is clearly a carbon copy of Lifetime's steady dose of women scorn flicks. Dina Meyer stars as Julia, a divorced woman who meets Scott but things go all wrong. Scott rapes Julia and now she's haunted by this mental and physical ordeal.

She confides with her friends Rebecca (Lea Thomspon) and Sharlene (Lela Rochon) who both have had past and current trauma themselves. After some investigating Julia starts to uncover the true identity of "Scott" by breaking into his house and doing some Mission Impossible style digging. Soon she's Googling his name and finding out about his mysterious past.

This leads to a trip to Texas and a church in a small community. Seems Scott has done some messed up things here as well and stolen some money. But Julia takes her own form of justice and kidnaps the man who hurt her. The conclusion I think does a 180 in terms of Lifetime movie of the week endings and clearly lives up to it's title.

OK I've watched a few women scorn movies but I'm no expert. I tend to use logic like an alpha male and start asking pesky questions. Call the police? Why wasn't this an option? I've seen my share of Law and Order: SVU and clearly the police can arrest somebody and convict them in an hour.

The performances are all OK and besides the big three we have cameos from Ernie Hudson and Ed Begley Jr. Dina Meyer plays prey turned predator decently enough and Scott played by Vincent Spano plays evil guy well enough.

With all this logic, I decided I should have the target audience watch this film. And who do I know that's the right demographic? My mom of course. I think she'd say it was "shocking" and "suspenseful" and had "a had a crazy ending". She digs the scorn and scorn avenged is this flick in a nutshell. So if you wanna watch a flick with your mom, this be it.

The Vitals

• Official Site
  

Rating (for mom's):


Check out the trailer below.

Respire (Review)

Respire

Respire (2009)

Directed by David A. Cross

[screener via MTI Home Video]

Do you know how many indie horror movies are made every year?

Actually, I don't really know but I think it's quite alot. Some get decent distribution, while others slowly descent into dollar bin hell. I say this because I probably wouldn't have heard or seen Respire without a help of MTI's PR arm.

But I always give a fair shake for indie horror and so I loaded up the movie while I was waiting for my pizza to arrive.

Respire is clearly an indie production with full scale DIY. I would say it's a mid budget for an indie film. It's clearly ambitious with a story revolving around a mysterious box that holds secrets that unfold throughout the film. The thing about a film that tries too hard, is well it tries too hard. Respire treads on so many horror genres, it felt like like a movie montage. Mystery, thriller, slasher and infection subgenres are blended into a decent coherent film.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The Ancient Romans believed that the soul escaped one's body with the last breath. It was believed that last breath held the power to cure disease and prolong life. In 1930's, Dr. Robert Kaminsky devoted his life to finding out how to harness the power in the last breath. Susan Jordan owns a local novelty shop. One item in her shop, an antique box once owned by Doctor Kaminsky, draws the interest of two men: Raif Collins who hopes it's contents can save his dying sister, and Alex Poe whose motives are more mysterious. Susan quickly finds herself in a perilous struggle to protect the box and the secrets that it holds.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The opening montage is a credit to the film as a whole. We see our mysterious box go from our the doctor to various people before it gets to our dear Susan. From USSR, to Americans soldiers, to some hippies in the 60s, to the disco 70s and to the garage sale present day, our box had quite a journey.

The box contains the work of Dr. Kaminsky who has developed a way to catch the last breath before a person dies to cure disease and the terminally ill. It's as of the stars aligned as it ends up with Susan who is dying of a disease herself. She soon discovers its powers and becomes cured of her illness.

Later, two other parties become interested in the box. Each of them with a different agenda on their minds. Soon, the dangers of the vials of breaths are explained, the history is revealed and the twists and turns unfold.

Respire starts off in classic mysterious fashion which I felt was done well. I like a good horror mystery and the pace was nice. Characters were developed and some tension thrown in. But then it all went kablooey. Soon we get a taste of slash and dash (with some decent spatter effects), a mini twizzler twist and then some out of place infection onslaught at the end. The movie just seemed off balance from the middle to the end.

The film is shot well, the performances not over the top and the details are blended in nicely. But the movie tries to do too many things in 90 minutes instead of focusing on doing a few things well. I'm not saying it's a bad film but as I said before way to highly ambitious for what they were trying to do.

Kudos to director David Cross for making a coherent story that had some interesting plot elements and some well rounded characters. Respire brings a bit of creativity to the world of indie horror but if you're looking for something awesome, don't hold your breath.

(see what I did there)

Gore-ipedia

Head trauma
Slice and dice

Nude-ipedia

I thought I saw boobs in some sort of frenetic memory montage. Or it could have been the last movie I saw

WTF moment

How the hell did this small Maryland town get infected so damn quickly?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Respire will be available on DVD and Video on Demand (VoD) from MTI Home Video on February 15th.


The Vitals

• Respire on MTI Home Video
  

Rating:

Check out the trailer.